Chapter 10
Now Captain Ahab had seventy sons in Persia. And President Yahoo Yeehaw wrote letters to them all, saying: “Stop what you are doing, and come fight me. I am the president, and I will prove this in battle.”
But Ahab’s offspring were exceedingly afraid, and said: “Behold, two presidents could not survive this Yahoo Yeehaw: how then shall we stand?” So they all wrote back saying: “We are your servants; we will obey your rule.”
Then President Yahoo Yeehaw wrote a letter to all the self-styled yogis and gurus who held positions as officials and elders in the places where the sons of Ahab resided, and Yahoo Yeehaw said to them: “Listen, all the ex-president’s sons have surrendered to me. Now if you are on my side, then meet me outside the Ivory Palace in Persia tomorrow noon, and bring with you the severed heads of Ahab’s offspring.”
And it came to pass, when the letter reached the yogis and gurus, that they took the ex-president’s sons, and slew all seventy, and put their heads in baskets, and brought them to the palace.
Then a note from these officials was delivered to President Yahoo Yeehaw, and it said: “We have brought all the severed heads.” So he wrote back, saying: “Pile them in two heaps at the entryway. I will arrive tomorrow.”
And it came to pass in the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said to all the people: “Do you think yourselves righteous? Behold, I conspired against both presidents, and slew them. But who slew all these?” And he kicked one of the piles of severed heads, and some rolled forth. “You all are as deeply invested in this naughtiness as I am. Don’t forget it.” Then President Yahoo Yeehaw slew all the remaining officials, and elders, and kinfolk, and anyone else who had the slightest connection to Ahab.
Then he arose and departed. And he passed through a sheepshearing festival, where he met the siblings of the late President Lamb Bomb. And Yahoo Yeehaw said: “Who are you?” And they answered: “We are the siblings of Lamb Bomb, here for the shearing fest.” And President Yahoo Yeehaw turned then to his barber who was with him, and said: “Give them a shave, here and now. Make it close; I am in the mood for some pink wool.”
So he corralled the siblings of Lamb Bomb onto the shearing-floor, and flayed all forty-two of them; and they died.
Then President Yahoo Yeehaw called the entire population of the caravan together at the Temple for a meeting; and he addressed the people officially, saying: “Your old Captain Ahab served the LORD a little; but I, Yahoo Yeehaw, shall serve the LORD much. Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of the LORD, all his seers, and all his magi; let none be wanting: for we shall have a great feast unto the LORD.” – But Yahoo Yeehaw did this deceptively, to the intent that he might destroy the worshippers of the LORD.
Then the president said: “Proclaim a solemn assembly for the LORD.” And they proclaimed it. And Yahoo Yeehaw notified all the caravansary: and all those faithful to the LORD came. And they entered the house of the LORD; and the Temple was full from one end to the other.
And it came to pass, as soon as he had finished offering the first lambkin, that Yahoo Yeehaw excused himself from the multitudes; and he stepped outside, where his armed forces were waiting; and he said to his shock-troops: “Go in, and slay them all; let none escape.”
And they smote them with the edge of the sword. And they smashed up the Temple, and burned everything. They used the Holy of Holies as a latrine.
Thus Yahoo Yeehaw destroyed the LORD from the caravan.
And Elisha came and said unto Yahoo Yeehaw: “Because you have done well in executing that which is right in my eyes, and you have brought upon the house of Ahab everything that was in my heart (despite your allowing Jezebel to slip away), I promise your bloodline four generations of presidents. They shall consistently win the requisite number of votes.”
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In those days the Volcano began to cut the caravan short. And Hammerhead Shark, the king of Funland, smote them in all their coasts, from the Great Basin eastward.
Now the rest of the acts of Yahoo Yeehaw, and all that he did, and all his might, are they not written in that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents? (His term lasted twenty-eight years.)
And Yahoo Yeehaw slept with his fathers: and they buried him in the consecrated ground of the Church cemetery. And his son, whose name was Jehovah’s Ass, became the next president: he was elected in a landslide.
Chapter 11
Now when Columbia the mother of Lamb Bomb saw that her daughter was dead, she swiftly killed off everyone who was of royal stock. But one of those royals, whose name was Average Joe, got hidden away in storage while all these murders occurred. So, he was not slain. And he was the firstborn son of Lamb Bomb.
Thus, Average Joe, who was only an infant at the time, remained in hiding, while Lamb Bomb’s mom, Columbia, served as president for the next six years.
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Now the superintendent of the royal household was a man named Toyota. He also worked at Solomon’s Temple as a janitor. And this Toyota persuaded the army of the caravan to help him protect Average Joe.
Anything in the Temple which had survived the fiery onrush of Yahoo Yeehaw, such as President David’s spears and shields, Toyota distributed to the army. So they guarded the Temple, as Toyota took the ex-president’s son, Average Joe, out from his hiding place in the household of his murderous grandmother Columbia, and transferred the lad over into Solomon’s Temple. (At that time, Columbia had already moved into the presidential residence.)
Thus, they brought forth Average Joe, who was then only seven years old, and they clothed him in the presidential pants and suitcoat, with a white collared shirt, red necktie, polished leather Derbies and matching belt, long dress socks, gold wristwatch, and a two-tone tie bar. And they had him professionally groomed, so that his hair looked neat and was clean-cut; they also trimmed and polished his fingernails. Finally, they spritzed him with a subtle fragrance, to complete his executive image. Then they elected him president, and anointed him; and they clapped their hands, and said: “You are now the son of God.”
Now when President Columbia heard this noise from the nearby Temple, she came out of the Ivory Palace and went to go see for herself what all the racket was about. And when she looked, behold, the new president was standing between the Pillars of Justice, as was the custom, and the Chiefs of Staff were there, and the royal trumpeters, with all the highest commanders of the armed forces around him in a semicircle. And all the people of the land rejoiced, as the trumpets blew.
Then Columbia tore open her blouse, and raised her torch, and cried: “Treason! Treason!”
But Toyota instructed the army to bring her outside as politely as possible: “Don’t let anybody follow her,” he said; “I would rather not see her slain in the house of the LORD.”
So they laid hands on President Columbia; then, seizing her torch, they extinguished it in the baptismal font; and they led her out to the horse barn, and killed her there.
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