Some property is restored to its rightful owner; then two respective nations receive new leaders

Chapter 8

Remember that pair of women who lived in the mansion on the isle of Lesbos? Recall that one of them, whose name was Sappho, died of grief, upon receiving news that her innocent son had been sacrificed to pay off the world’s sin-debt; then the prophetess Elisha resurrected Sappho and helped replace her slain son with three daughters.

In the wake of those events, Elisha said unto Sappho and her wife: “Beware of the famine that shall ruin this land for the next seven years: run away and live someplace else until it is over.”

So, Sappho arose, and took her family, and sojourned in the land of the Sea People until the famine ended.

Then it came to pass, at the end of the seven-year famine, that Sappho returned with her wife and children out of the land of the Sea People, and came forth to ask the presidents of the caravan to restore unto them their old mansion.

It happened that the joint presidents of the caravan were meeting with some of the trainees from Elisha’s school of prophetesses. The presidents had asked these trainees to tell them about all the great things that their rabbi Elisha had done. So, one student was relaying the miraculous event mentioned above: she had just finished the point in the story where Elisha had brought the woman back from death. Now, at that very moment, Sappho herself, whom Elisha had revivified, entered the room in person, to ask the presidents about her property. And the trainee who was telling the tale gasped and exclaimed: “O presidents of the caravan, this is the woman whom Elisha restored to life; and this is her wife and their three beautiful daughters.”

The caravansary’s presidents were awestruck by this coincidence. They immediately instructed an officer, saying “Restore the house in question to this woman, and reimburse her for all the fruits of her field that we gleaned.”

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Then Elisha came to visit the Son of Thunder, king of Funland, because he was sick. Now Thunder Son had a court official whose name was Hammerhead Shark, and this man looked just like a hammerhead shark. (The fact that his appearance so clearly resembled a hammerhead shark was probably why his parents decided to christen him Hammerhead Shark.) The Son of Thunder, king of Funland, was informed that the prophetess Elisha had come to visit him, so Thunder Son said to Hammerhead Shark: “Take a present to this soothsayer and inquire of her god whether I shall recover of this illness.”

Thus Hammerhead Shark went to meet Elisha; and he gave her a gift box that contained every good thing from Funland, and said: “Thunder Son of Funland has asked me to ask you to ask your god if the king shall recover from his disease.”

Then Elisha said unto Hammerhead Shark: “Go back and tell King Thunder Son: ‘The True God has said: You will certainly recover; but, you shall surely die.’” And after Elisha relayed this riddle, she tried to keep a straight face, but she could not: instead, she broke down and started to weep.

Then Hammerhead Shark cocked his hammer-like shark-head and asked: “Why do you weep, my lady?”

And Elisha replied: “Because I can see in my prophetic vision that you shall be cruel to my people of the caravan: You will set their houses on fire, and slay their young men with the sword, and dash their infants on the rocks, and rip up their pregnant women.”

Then said Hammerhead Shark to Elisha: “You say that I myself will commit these atrocities? But I am only a court official: I’m but a dog compared to the king, who’s a glorious lion. How in the world do you expect me to acquire such mighty power in so short a time?”

Elisha answered: “You shall murder King Thunder Son and steal his crown.”

So Hammerhead Shark departed from Elisha, and he came to his master the king; who said unto him: “What did Elisha say?” And he answered: “She told me that you should surely recover.”

Then Hammerhead Shark took a thick cloth, and dipped it in water, and spread it upon the king’s face, so that he died. Thus, Hammerhead Shark became the new king of Funland.

Chapter 9

Now the northern President Gracchus joined with his wife the caravan’s southern President Lamb Bomb to go and defend the Caravanian Bahamas against an attack from Hammerhead Shark, the new king of Funland.

And the Funland shock-troops sorely wounded Lamb Bomb. So she was brought back to the Valley of Exploding Earth to be healed; and her husband President Gracchus went down to see her there, because the injuries of President Lamb Bomb were so severe that the physicians feared that she might die.

Now Elisha the prophetess girded up her skirts, and she took a box of oil in her hand, and went to the Caravanian Bahamas, and sought out the man named Yahoo Yeehaw, who was sitting in a conference with his brethren, the other commanders of the Caravan’s Defense Force. And Elisha said unto him: “I have a message for you, O skipper.” And Yahoo Yeehaw said, “For which one of us?” And she said, “For you, O skipper.” And she made him arise up, and she led him into the innermost chamber of a smoke-filled backroom. Then she took the box of oil, and poured it on his head, and said: “Thus saith the True God, in the name of Yeshua: I have anointed you president of the caravan.” Then she did not tarry but opened the door, and fled.

However, before the prophetess Elisha had left the presence of Yahoo Yeehaw in the smoky backroom, she handed him a note, which said on its front: “About Your Presidency: Additional Info.” And when the commander unfolded this note, on its inside was written:

“In the name of the Zealot, you shall smite the house of Ahab: his wife Jezebel, and his son Gracchus; to avenge the prophetess whom he has angered. The whole house of Ahab must perish: and you must cut off from his line every living soul: and the dogs shall devour Jezebel, and there shall be no one to bury her.”

After reading this, Yahoo Yeehaw came forth from the backroom, and the other commanders said to him: “Is everything well? Why did that madwoman drag you away?”

And he said unto them: “Ah, you know, that dame is crazy: Who can make heads or tails of her babbling!”

But they said: “Don’t lie; tell us what she said.”

And he answered: “She just brought me into that smoke-filled backroom and told me that God had elected me to be president.”

Then they all removed their coats and, draped them on the ground as a red carpet before him; and blew their war trumps, proclaiming: “President Yahoo Yeehaw!”

Then Yahoo Yeehaw said: “If you all truly desire me to be your president, then let everybody hush up about it until I have a chance to take care of some unfinished business in the Valley of Exploding Earth. For I have heard that President Lamb Bomb was injured defending the Caravanian Bahamas from an attack by Hammerhead Shark, the new king of Funland. And perhaps I can take a trip out there to see Ms. Lamb Bomb and her Co-Prez Gracchus, and give them some small token to remember me by: say, an arrow in the back.”

So Yahoo Yeehaw the latest president of the caravan rode in his chariot out to the medical clinic in the Valley of Exploding Earth, where Lamb Bomb lay. And President Gracchus had come there to visit President Lamb Bomb.

Now a watchman on the tower caught sight of Yahoo Yeehaw as he approached; and the watchman shouted: “I see trouble coming!” And Lamb Bomb said: “Command a horseman to meet this stranger, and ask: ‘Do you come in peace?’”

So a rider on a horse met Yahoo Yeehaw, and said: “The president asks: Is your visit peaceable?” And he answered: “What do you care? Fall in line.”

And the watchman reported to Lamb Bomb: “It looks like our horseman has been rebuffed.”

So they sent out a second rider, and he was treated the same way.

Then the watchman reported: “The second horseman has been similarly rebuffed. And now that I have a better look at the approaching trouble, I would say that it resembles nothing so much as Commander Yahoo Yeehaw, for he is driving furiously.”

Upon hearing that name, President Lamb Bomb sat bolt upright, despite the fact that she was gravely injured, and she declared unto her assistants: “Make my chariot ready.”

So this was done; and President Lamb Bomb and President Gracchus rode out in chariots to clash with their enemy, the upcoming President Yahoo Yeehaw.

Then it happened that, as Gracchus approached Yahoo Yeehaw, he asked: “Do you come in peace, commander?” And he answered: “What peace can exist, so long as the whoredoms of your mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many?”

Then President Gracchus turned his horse, and fled, and he shouted to the Joint President Lamb Bomb his wife: “There is treachery, dearest!”

And President Yahoo Yeehaw drew back his bow with his full strength, and smote President Lamb Bomb between her arms, and the arrow went out at her heart, and she sunk down in her chariot.

Meanwhile, President Gracchus fled by the way of the garden house toward Megiddo. And Yahoo Yeehaw followed after him, and he shot again from his bow, and the arrow lodged in Gracchus’ shoulder, yet he continued driving. And ascending the mount at full speed, President Gracchus fell down a precipice, and was killed on the rocks. (Later, his body would be loaded onto the death ship.)

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Now President Yahoo Yeehaw entered the Valley of Exploding Earth, and headed toward the Ivory Palace in Persia. And when Jezebel heard that he was coming, she put on makeup, and styled her hair, and looked out the window. Then as Yahoo Yeehaw burst through the gate, she cried out: “Welcome, usurper. Killed any rightful presidents lately?”

And he looked up to the window, and shouted: “Is there anyone on my side, up there in the palace? Whoever is with me, come forth.”

Then there leaned forward at the window three celibate priests.

And Yahoo Yeehaw said to them: “Throw her out.” So they seized the First Lady Jezebel, and threw her out. Yet it came to pass, while he cursed her, she was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.

And while they looked stedfastly toward the sky as she went up, behold, a bright light appeared behind the trio of celibates, just within the window; and there came forth one having the appearance of a wild man, whose abundant hair covered all but his eyes, which were like the eyes of a goat. And he said: “Why stand you gazing up into heaven? This same Jezebel, which is taken up from you, shall so come in like manner as you have seen her go.”

And then he drew his glittering sword, and forced the priests out through the window, and they fell down: and their blood splattered on the wall, and the horses trode them under foot; then the dogs ate them.