Chapter 7
A while later, Thunder Son the king of Funland gathered up all his shock-troops and besieged the caravan. This caused a great famine. To give you an idea of how bad it was, behold, an ass’s head was sold for eighty caesars, and a cab of dove’s dung went for twenty caesars. (Those are very high prices.)
Now, as the joint presidents of the caravan were on a walkway atop the Ivory Palace’s defensive wall, a woman called unto them from below, saying: “Help, O presidents, for I need you to judge my court case, right now, or I will starve to death!”
And the presidents answered, saying: “If Yahweh has not sent sky-bread to help us survive this famine, how shall our judging your court case help you find food? Is your idea that we would establish a makeshift courthouse on the barnfloor, or beside the winepress?”
And this answer made the woman weep. Then the joint presidents felt pity for her, so they said: “OK, fine, we will hear your case. What ails you?”
And she answered: “The neighbor lady where I live said to me: ‘Give up your son, so that we may eat him today; then we will eat my own son tomorrow.’ Thus we boiled my son, and did eat him. But when I said to her on the next day: ‘Now give up your son, so that we may eat him,’ lo, she hid the boy away. Please therefore, O judges, decide in my favor, so that justice may be served and righteousness prevail in the land.”
Now when the joint presidents of the caravan heard this woman’s testimony, they tore their clothes in anger. Then it could be clearly seen that both presidents were wearing sackcloth undergarments.
And President Gracchus the husband of President Lamb Bomb said to his wife: “This tragedy is the fault of the prophetess Elisha; I am sure of it. Let us behead her.”
So the joint presidents of the caravan summoned two interns to pay a visit to Elisha’s house. And the interns went on foot, pushing a mobile guillotine before them.
Now the prophetess Elisha was sitting in her house, along with some administrators from her training school; and they all saw through the front window the mobile guillotine coming near the entryway. And Elisha said to the administrators who were with her: “See how that son of Ahab, President Gracchus, has convinced his wife, Joint President Lamb Bomb, that I am a nuisance deserving of execution. Now they have sent this pair of minions to take away my head. Therefore, listen, for I have a plan: When the minions ring the bell, you all go answer the door and apprehend them; pull them inside, shut the door, and hold them fast. Then I will interrogate them.”
And before Elisha had finished talking, they all heard, just outside the entrance, the noise of footsteps and the squeaking of the mobile guillotine’s wheels. Then, behold, the doorbell rang.
So Elisha’s administrators went and stood at the entryway and opened the door. Then, from the front step, the new arrivals greeted them warmly, saying: “Since the siege and famine were caused by the god of Elisha, we have been charged to solve the problem. The head of the prophetess must not remain on her body.”
Then Elisha came forward and said: “The Son of Thunder is the one who has besieged us. But his rival, the God of the Sky, has informed me that tomorrow a measure of flour shall be sold for one caesar coin: in other words, food will drastically drop in price because we shall have an abundance of crops, and the famine will end. But this boon will not happen if you slay me with that contraption.”
Then the visiting interns replied: “Behold, even if Yahweh would open all the windows of heaven, so that rain filled the earth, there still would not be enough time to grow and harvest all the crops to end the famine. These things take time; the rhythm of plant-life is seasonal: therefore, you have spoken nonsense. And why would it matter if we slew you or not, unless you are in fact the cause of this ill?”
And Elisha said: “You don’t believe me that the famine will be over by this time tomorrow? Well, you shall see it with your own eyes. But you will not eat the abundance, when it comes, because you doubted my word.”
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Remember the time that Elisha cursed the glowing angel nurse for accepting payment for providing healthcare, and the angel’s punishment was that she became partially feline? Well, in the months since that episode concluded, this glowing half-cat angel-nurse gave birth to a litter of kittens, who were all human hybrids: The Four Cat-Men of the Apocalypse.
Now these Cat-Men were very curious, and they went roaming all around the caravan, and outside its border; they were not as fearful of death as the rest of their fellow citizens, because of their feline nature. So one day they decided to go snoop around the encampment of the shock-troops of Thunder Son who had besieged the caravansary. Thus the quartet of Cat-Men rose up in the twilight, and headed toward that part of the border. However, when they had come to the uttermost part of the camp, behold, no enemies were there: The troops besieging them were gone!
What happened is that Yahweh had caused the shock-troops of Thunder Son to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great army; so they said one to another: “Lo, the joint presidents of the caravan have surely combined forces with the pharaoh of Egypt and the kings of the Hittites, as well as the paid staffers from Cornell, and streetwalkers from Las Vegas: now all these multitudes are hastening toward us, to pounce upon us.” Wherefore they arose and escaped in the twilight, and left their tents and the camp as it was, and fled for their life.
Now when these Four Cat-Men of the Apocalypse came pawing around in the abandoned encampment, they went into one tent, and ate the sardines that they found there, and drank the warm milk; and they also began to rummage through the treasure chests that the enemy had left behind in their panicked evacuation. And the Cat-Men took silver, and gold, and they shredded all the fine clothing that was left there. Then they entered into another tent, and did the same ransacking of that place. And then they went and hid these spoils.
But as they were securing the luxuries that they had discovered, the quartet of Cat-Men suffered a twinge of remorse, and they said one to another: “We are not behaving well: this day is a day of good tidings for the caravan, for the enemy has fled; and yet we have held our peace about it and sought personal gain. If we tarry till the morning light, some mischief could come upon us. Now therefore, instead, let us go sprint over to the Ivory Palace and inform the presidential household.”
So the Cat-Men came and told the joint presidents all they had learned. And one of the chiefs of staff who was with them spoke up and said: “I fear that this is a trap. For our enemy Thunder Son and his shock-troops know that we are all starving from the famine caused by their siege, so they have probably gone a distance away from their camp, and made it look as though they have abandoned it, while they are yet hiding in the field just beyond, saying to each other: ‘When the wayfarers of the caravan come out to inspect our vacant camp, we shall catch them alive, and then we shall get into the city.”
But the hybrid heroes answered this staffer before the presidents and said: “Let our quartet go and see if the enemy is hiding in the fields, or somewhere else nearby. For we Cat-Men are fearless.”
Then the presidents of the caravan said: “Go and see.”
The semi-feline fourfold therefore went out past the enemy’s empty camp, unto the Great Basin Rainforest: and, lo, they saw that all the way was riddled with garments and vessels, which the shock-troops of Thunder Son had cast away in their haste. So they returned and gave the presidents their report.
Then the people of the caravan went out and spoiled the tents of the enemy who had besieged them. And there was such an abundance of foodstuffs gotten thereby that a measure of flour was sold for one caesar coin: just as the prophetess Elisha predicted.
Now recall those two interns that were appointed by the presidents to push the mobile guillotine to Elisha’s house, on that day when they intended to behead her. This same duo was standing by the gate of the city, when the population pillaged the enemy camp: and when the starving masses returned with all the food, there was such a frenzy that both of those interns got stampeded to death. So it was just as the prophetess Elisha predicted, when she said to that pair of interns: “The famine will be over by this time tomorrow; and you shall see it with your own eyes, but you will not eat the abundance.”
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