Chapter 6
Now the trainee prophets at the school that Elisha had established said to Elisha: “Behold, this dormitory where we all reside is far too cramped. Let us go to the Great Basin Rainforest and cut down trees, so that each one of us can build her own log cabin, just like President David did.”
And Elisha said: “Fine, go ahead.”
Then one of the trainee prophets said: “Please come with us.”
And Elisha answered: “Sure, I will go.”
So she went with her student prophets. And when they came to the jungle, they cut down wood.
But as one student was felling a beam, lo, her electric chainsaw slipped out of her hands and did something like a triple Lutz (which, in the world of figure skating, is a jump involving a rotation of three and a half times in the air); then it fell into the water. And she cried, and said, “Alas, rabbi! for that was a rental tool.”
And Elisha said: “Where did it fall?” And the trainee pointed out a place in the water where there were sparks and jags of lightning zapping madly, because the chainsaw’s battery was drowning. So Elisha snapped a branch from a nearby tree, and tossed it in thither; and the power tool calmed down, and the electrical storm subsided, and the chainsaw swam back to shore, and landed safely in the hands of the student woodcutter.
And the trainee prophet who had rented the tool thanked Elisha.
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Then the modern Israeli army waged war against the caravan, and its commander consulted with his officers, saying “Let us encamp right here, upon Onslaught Hill.” But Elisha sent word to the presidents of the caravan, saying: “Avoid the area around Onslaught Hill, for the Israeli army has set up camp there and wishes to battle.” So the presidents of the caravan took precautions, and their people avoided going near that place.
Therefore the heart of the commander of the Israeli army was sore troubled; and he called his officers, and said unto them: “Which one of you is a spy for the enemy? For I suspect that someone has informed the caravan of our whereabouts, and that is why their people keep gingerly stepping around us and circumventing war.”
Then an officer said: “None of us are spies, O commander. The problem is the prophetess Elisha, whom you cherish: She reports back to the caravan’s presidents every word that is spoken in your bedroom.”
So the Israeli commander said: “Go find out where Elisha is, right now. I would like to drag her back to me by force.”
And an officer answered: “Behold, we have tracked her to Houston County in Alabama.”
Therefore the Israeli commander sent horses, and chariots, and a mass of soldiers by night, and they compassed the county about.
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Now the trainee prophetess who was accompanying Elisha had risen early to go for a walk, and when this trainee stepped around the hill where they two had slept, behold, on the other side there was a great army semi-circling the land, both with horses and chariots.
So the trainee prophetess dashed back and said unto Elisha: “Alas, rabbi! What shall we do?”
And Elisha answered: “Have no fear; for our army is bigger than theirs.”
Then the prophetess Elisha meditated to the volcano of potential, and said: “I pray that you open the eyes of this young damsel who is my trainee.”
And then the trainee’s doors of perception were cleansed, and she saw that the hillside was full of fiery horses and chariots of fire all round about Elisha.
And when the Israeli army attacked, Elisha meditated to the Volcano, and she said: “Smite this people with blindness.”
And they were smitten with blindness according to the word of Elisha.
Then Elisha lifted her voice and said to the army of groping and confused soldiers: “This is not the right path, neither is it the county that you are looking for. Follow me, and I will guide you to the one whom you seek.”
And she then led the now-blind army straight to the presidential residence, which was the capital of the caravan: the Ivory Palace that Ahab built in Persia.
And it came to pass, once they had arrived in Persia, that Elisha said: “O volcano of potential, open the eyes of these soldiers, and return them their sight.”
And the army’s eyes were opened, and they saw; and, behold, they were in the midst of Persia, before the caravan’s Ivory Palace.
Now the joint presidents of the caravan, Gracchus and Lamb Bomb, said to Elisha, when they saw the Israeli subdivision standing on their lawn: “Shall we slay them? Shall we slay them?”
And she answered: “No! Do them no harm! I went to the trouble of bringing them here alive, and now you want to hack them up with your sword? That will make you just as barbaric as they are. Instead, give them food and drink, and let them return to their commander.”
Then they prepared a banquet for the captured subdivision: and when they had eaten and drunk, the presidents of the caravan sent the captives back to their commander. And from that day forward, the modern Israelis abstained from warring against the caravan.
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