Elisha vs. Leopard Man

Chapter 5

Now Leopard Man came into the caravansary and snatched a little maid with his claws and brought her back with him to the jungle, where he employed the maid to wait upon his wife.

Then the little maid said to her mistress, Leopard Man’s wife: “O how I wish that your husband Leopard Man could get an appointment to see our caravan’s prophetess Elisha, for she could change him back into a regular person, so that he would stop behaving as a wild beast, and his breath would no longer stink like fish.”

And Leopard Man’s wife told Leopard Man what the little maid had said. So Leopard Man wrote a letter, and sent it to the joint presidents of the caravan: Gracchus and Lamb Bomb. Then, assuming that the caravan’s presidents would respond favorably to his letter and invite him into the country to meet with the prophetess Elisha, Leopard Man packed for the journey: he opened his suitcase and tossed in ten sacks of silver, and six thousand cat-toys, plus ten changes of raiment (all of them slightly shredded because they were previously worn, and he had sharp claws).

Now when this letter that Leopard Man wrote to the dual presidents of the caravan arrived on their joined desks in the Oblong Office of the Ivory Palace in Persia, where Gracchus and Lamb Bomb did their governing, they opened it at once and read it aloud together. And the letter said:

“Dear twin presidents, I am Leopard Man. You will cure me of my condition. See you soon. (Paw print for signature.)”

Now Presidents Gracchus and Lamb Bomb were appalled by what they presumed was this letter’s presumption; and they complained simultaneously in reaction, saying: “Are we the One True God, able to kill and to make alive? Why is this Leopard Man so sure that we can relieve him of his cathood? Is he perhaps looking to start a brawl with us?”

But at that moment when the dual presidents of the caravan were reading aloud their letter from Leopard Man, it happened that the prophetess Elisha was basking in the shadows and overheard what they were saying. So she stepped forth and exclaimed: “Do not bother launching any nuclear arsenal at the mutant, but rather let him come to me; for I have an opening in my schedule: I will examine this Leopard Man and offer my advice on how he can become more humane and less beastly. Then, once he is healed, he can go back to the jungle and tell all his friends that the caravan employs at least one intelligent prophetess.”

So Leopard Man arrived pulling his own chariot like a horse (for his suitcase rode therein). And he stood before the door of the house of Elisha.

And Elisha sent a glowing angel out to him, saying: “Hello there, Leopard Man. Welcome to Elisha’s medical center. I am a registered nurse; Elisha has given me the full authority to treat patients in her name. Here is a piece of official stationery, on which Elisha herself has written her judgment about your predicament: you can keep this paper; but I will read it to you first, because her handwriting is illegible (she’s a doctor, remember, as well as a famous prophetess). Alright, here is what her letter says: Scribbled under the heading ‘DIAGNOSIS’ is the following: ‘Patient suffers from leopard-like symptoms.’ Then, printed at about the middle of the page, is the heading ‘CURE,’ and it says beneath that: ‘Go and wash in the Hanging Pond seven times; those spots on your fur should fall off, and you will be clean.’”

But Leopard Man was enraged when he heard this. He tore the paper with his claw, and he bit the stationery; then he roared and meowed; then he caterwauled, and then he purred; then he hissed. Then he said in English:

“I presumed that the prophetess herself would come out and stand before me in person, and pronounce the sacred name of Yahweh, and glide her hand over my mane, to infuse my inner kitty with voodoo. But instead she sends some dim angel out to say: ‘Go take a bath’? Don’t you think we have rivers where I am from? Lo, we have the Ganges, not to mention the Nile: they’re much holier than your insipid Hanging Pond. Plus, cats hate water – did you not know that!? What a wasted trip this was.” Then Leopard Man turned and slunk away in anger.

Yet then his wife called him on his phone-shaped cat-toy that squeaks, and she said: “Listen, Poldy. If the prophetess had instructed you to undergo some complicated treatment program, you surely would have done it. So why not at least give it a try, when she says: ‘Wash, and be clean’?”

Therefore, Leopard Man crept down and dipped in the Hanging Pond seven times, according to what the prophetess Elisha had recommended; and his spotty fur came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was cured.

Then Leopard Man, who was now Ex-Leopard Man, returned to the office of Elisha, and he entered the waiting room, and raised his voice, and proclaimed, to all the staff and the patients who were present, the following message of thanks: “Behold, now I know that there is no God in all the earth, but only in the caravan; and Elisha is his prophetess. She is also a good physician, not a quack like I first thought.”

Then Elisha, hearing that a patient was praising her, came out and stood in the waiting room with a smile. And when Ex-Leopard Man saw that the doctor had appeared in person, he went up and offered her sundry gifts from his suitcase. “Here, please accept ten sacks of silver, and take these ten shredded suits, plus all these cat toys: I have no use for them anymore, as I’m no longer feline.”

But Elisha modestly refused these treasures, despite Ex-Leopard Man’s urgings.

So Ex-Leopard Man departed from the waiting room, bowing repeatedly while slinking backward on all fours.

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Yet, once Ex-Leopard Man had left the building, Elisha’s glowing angel nurse thought to herself: “Behold, Doctor Elisha has declined to accept any of the luxuries that her patient offered. As Yeshua lives, I will run after this fellow, and take a valuable prize from his hand.”

So the glowing angel nurse chased after Ex-Leopard Man; and when he noticed her running behind him, he turned his chariot around and met her, and said: “I hope all is well?”

And the angel said: “All is well, yes. The physician has sent me to you with this message: ‘Behold, on second thought, I really could use a sack of silver, and two ventilated garments. Plus, maybe a cat toy that looks like a rotary telephone, that squeaks when you chew it.’”

And Ex-Leopard Man said: “Please, take two sacks of silver, and as many of these business suits as you like: they’re all torn in tatters, anyway, from my old razor-sharp claws, which have now transformed into human hands again, after I washed them thoroughly.”

So the glowing angel nurse happily took these parting gifts from Ex-Leopard Man; and she brought them back with her to the office. And when she stood before her mistress Elisha the physician, Elisha said unto her: “Where did you run off to?”

And the angel nurse answered: “What do you mean? I went nowhere.”

And Elisha said: “I know what you did. You ran out to hunt down my last patient, that man whom I cured from being a leopard, because he offered gifts, which I turned down. You greedy grabber. Can’t you just heal people without seeking profit? Is it fitting for us who work in healthcare to pile up money, and to accumulate fine clothing, and oliveyards, and vineyards, and sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and maidservants? Mark my curse: Because you have acted so immorally, I shall cause the disease of Leopard Man to cleave unto you, and unto your offspring forever.”

And the glowing angel nurse then became half cat.