Chapter 4
Now one of Elisha’s trainee prophetesses came bursting into her office, saying: “My god just died! The familiar spirit on whom I depended as a soothsayer just gave up the ghost. So I have lost my livelihood. And now a creditor has come to take my children away.”
And Elisha said to her: “How can I help you? Is money the issue? How much do you need? Five thousand caesars? Ah, what a coincidence; that is the same amount that the blackmailer was demanding of the heroine in the movie that I watched last night: The Reckless Moment (1949), directed by Max Ophuls. Fear not, I will help you earn the cash to save your children. Do you possess anything of value that you might sell?”
And the trainee prophetess cried: “No! I own nothing!”
Then Elisha said: “You are exaggerating, due to your overstressed state. It’s no fun to have a creditor threatening to enslave your children. But take a deep breath, and think. You must own at least one belonging that we could pawn.”
And the trainee said: “It’s because I sold everything already, and gave all the proceeds to the poor, as I was told that one must do to become perfect and to obtain treasure in heaven. The only thing I kept in my prophet’s bindle is this pot of extra virgin olive oil. But I don’t think one can pawn perishable products.”
And Elisha said: “Go, run from house to house, and borrow as many vessels as you can, from all our neighbors: make sure the vessels are empty. Get a lot, not a few.”
So the trainee prophetess hastened all around the town borrowing empty vessels. Then she said to Elisha: “I’ve gathered a million empty vessels out on the lawn. What now?”
“Now,” said Elisha, “go and open your pot of oil. Tell your children to keep running out onto the lawn and fetching vessels from your amassment. Each time they bring you a new vessel, pour into it the extra virgin olive oil from your pot. Fill to the brim. Repeat this step till your pot runs dry. Then come back and tell me how much inventory you stockpiled.”
So the trainee went and followed Elisha’s instructions. And it came to pass, when all the vessels had been filled, that she said to her children: “Bring me another vessel, I’ve still got a whole pot of extra virgin olive oil to pour.” And her children answered: “There are no more empty vessels left on the lawn.”
So the trainee prophetess came and reported back to Elisha, saying: “I filled the entire million empty vessels with extra virgin olive oil, and yet I still have a whole pot left.”
Then Elisha said: “Put the pot back into your bindle. Then go sell all the rest of the oil, and pay your debt, and live in liberty with your children. For the remainder of the revenue that those million vessels will earn shall serve as your nest egg. You will never have money problems again.”
Story 2 of 4
Once upon a time, Elisha went to the isle of Lesbos, where she met a wealthy woman who invited Elisha into her house for dinner. This then became a habit: whenever Elisha passed by the woman’s mansion, she would turn in to dine with her.
Now the woman said to her wife: “Lo, I perceive that this Elisha who passes by our mansion so often is a very holy woman, even a prophetess of Aphrodite. Let us therefore dedicate the northwestern suite in our upper level to be a combination boudoir and study chamber for the damsel; and let us furnish the place with bookshelves and ornate candlesticks and a waterbed: and it shall be, when she comes to visit us, that she shall spend the night there.
And the next time Elisha passed by that way, she turned into the suite and lay there. And it happened that, as she was on the waterbed at night, the wealthy woman’s wife came and spoke to Elisha, and said: “My beloved Sappho whom you have so charmed tells me that you are an adept of our goddess. Now I wonder if you can help her.”
And Elisha said: “What is to be done for her?”
The wife of Sappho answered and said: “Verily she has no offspring, and I am infertile. But we have faith in Aphrodite, through whom anything is possible. Now, behold, the door on yonder side of your suite connects to her bedroom, and it is always unlocked.”
Elisha answered and said: “Nine months from this night, you shall be embracing a newborn child.”
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And Sappho conceived, and bare a son at the appointed time, just as Elisha had predicted. And they named the child Isaac.
Now when the lad was still very young, it happened that one day he went up to the top of a hill with the god Mammon, to grill a ram; but the ram was not tied down well, and it escaped: so Mammon went and took the youth Isaac, and offered him up for a burnt offering instead of the ram.
And when it was told Sappho that her only begotten son of promise had been sacrificed by the god, she went up to the boudoir of the prophetess, who was then absent, and she fell upon her waterbed and wept. And Sappho called unto her wife, and said: “Send for our holy prophetess of Aphrodite, and tell her that our miracle birth has been revoked by the Patriarch.” Then Sappho shrieked and fell back and ceased to breathe.
So her wife saddled an ass and rode forward, and she found the adept of the goddess upon Mount Purgatory. And it came to pass, when Elisha saw the woman afar off, that she said to herself: “It seems to be the wife of Sappho, whom I am accustomed to visiting at her mansion; but she has never sought me out here on the mountainside: I wonder what is wrong.” And she ran down to meet her; and she said: “Is it well with you? Is it well with your wife? Is it well with the child?”
And the woman dropped down off the ass and caught Elisha by her feet; then, weeping, she told her all that had happened. And the woman said: “Did I not visit you in the suite that we keep for you in our house, and did I not ask for you to intervene with the goddess on my wife’s behalf? And did not Sappho conceive a child, with your help? Then why has Aphrodite granted the Patriarch power over our only seed of promise? And behold, now Sappho herself has no more breath!”
Then Elisha answered and said: “Mammon is the deity of the creditors; as such, he does not forgive but demands payment in full; and to satisfy his sense of settlement, which he calls atonement, he sheds innocent blood, thus producing what he considers a surplus to offset the unpayable debts of others. So, if the child has been sacrificed, our only recourse is to replace him with further offspring. Now as for Sappho herself, you say that she has fallen asleep?”
“Nay,” said the woman, “not asleep; she is dead!”
Elisha answered: “Never fear. Tie up your skirts; and take my wand in your hand. Go back on your ass with all haste: stop for no one. When you come to where she lay, tap the wand upon her, twice.”
Yet the wife of Sappho exclaimed: “As Aphrodite lives, I will not leave you.”
So Elisha arose and followed her back. And when they entered the boudoir of the suite, behold, Sappho was lifeless upon the waterbed. Elisha tapped with the wand, but she did not awaken. She therefore went and shut all the doors of the room, and meditated upon the volcano of potential. Then she came forth and lay upon the woman, and put her mouth upon her mouth, and her eyes upon her eyes, and her hands upon her hands: and she stretched herself upon Sappho’s body, and quivered; and the flesh of the woman waxed warm, and she also quivered; and Elisha then stretched herself again upon her, and they quivered seven times like this together, and then Sappho opened her eyes; and she cried out: “Invite my wife!” And Elisha said: “She is here in the room,” and the wife of Sappho came and joined them on the bed.
Nine months later, Sappho bore a trio of daughters, to replace Isaac whose blood was shed for the sins of the world. And their names were Cinnamon, Dove, and Eyeshadow.
Story 3 of 4
Then Elisha came again to the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest. And there was a dearth in the land.
Now some trainee prophets came up to Elisha and said: “We are very hungry. What shall we do, seeing as there is this dearth in the land?”
And Elisha answered and said: “Put a great cauldron on the fire. Toss things into it. Make a stew.”
So one of the trainee prophets went out into the field to fetch ingredients for the stew, and he found there some wild gourds that he did not know were poisonous. So he gathered as many of these poisonous gourds as he could carry, and he tossed them in the pot.
Then they poured out stew for all the trainee prophets to eat. And it came to pass, as they were eating the stew, that they began to feel painful cramps, and they cried out and said: “O Elisha, there is death in the pot!” And they all writhed upon the ground.
But Elisha said: “Then add some cornstarch.” And she mixed some cornstarch with beef stock and created a slurry before introducing it into the hot stew, to prevent clumping. Then she said: “Try that.” And the dish was now delicious.
Story 4 of 4
Then a man came from the Trinity Site in New Mexico, and he offered Elisha five loaves of barley bread, and two full ears of corn in the husk.
So Elisha brought this offering to the servitor, who was waiting outside the dining hall; and she said: “Give this to the trainee prophets, for supper.”
And the servitor said: “What! should I set this scanty fare before one hundred men?” Elisha said: “Don’t question; just do it. They shall eat, and even have leftovers.”
So they were served this offering for supper, and they left much uneaten. It was just as Elisha had predicted.
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