1
A woman named Liz was married to a man named Zak. Being infertile, the couple were childless.
Then a jinni appeared to Zak and said: “Your wife shall give birth to a son. Name him John.”
And Zak said: “How do I know that you are telling me the truth?”
The jinni said: “Because you have asked this, you shall be dumb till the child is born.” Then he escaped.
The wayfarers of the caravan tried to ask Zak why he looked so blank, but Zak could not speak.
Liz was then impregnated; so, she took to her chamber.
§
Half a year later, the same jinni that visited Zak went to Nazareth in Utah and found a virgin whose name was Mary. This Mary was engaged to wed a wayfarer named Joseph. The jinni came to the virgin and said: “You shall conceive and bring forth a son. Name him Jesus.”
The virgin Mary answered: “How shall this be, since I have never enjoyed carnal relations with any man?”
The jinni said: “The Holy Ghost shall come upon you, and the Power of the Highest shall overshadow you. Therefore also that holy thing that shall be born of you shall be called a son of God. Recall Genesis 6:4, which says: ‘There were giants in the earth in those days, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.’ There is nothing new under the sun.”
Mary was speechless with fright; so the jinni continued, saying:
“Have no fear; your cousin Liz was in the same situation: despite her husband being infertile, nothing is impossible with God; so, Liz is six months pregnant now.”
Then Mary replied: “According to what you say, I shall be God’s concubine.” And she straightway hastened out to the hill country.
§
And it came to pass, when the cousins Mary and Liz next met each other, that the babe leapt within the womb of Liz; so Liz said to Mary: “Behold, when I set eyes upon you just now, I felt my burden kick. Are you perchance filled with the Holy Ghost too?”
Mary affirmed her cousin’s premonition; and the women comforted each other.
Mary stayed with Liz for three months. Then, just as it came time for Liz to deliver, Mary left and returned to her own home.
Liz gave birth to a son. And Zak, the husband of Liz, was still unable to speak, as he had been mute since the jinni’s visit.
Now a week later, when the recordkeepers came to record the child’s name, they first wrote it down as “Zak Jr.” For it was customary to name firstborn sons after their father. But Liz objected, saying: “No! the child shall be christened John.” But the recordkeepers answered that this was an absurd choice, as there were no other Johns in the family; then they turned to Zak to see what he would say. Now, since Zak was voiceless, he motioned with his hands to be given the writing utensil; then he crossed out “Zak Jr.” and wrote on the recordkeepers’ record table: “His name is JOHN.” And at that instant, Zak’s mouth came open, and his tongue was loosed, and he was able to speak again: so he praised the Aqua God, after whom his son was named.
Then the child grew; and he became strong in spirit; and he lived in the desert.
2
Now when Mary was big with child and ready to be delivered, she went with her fiancé Joseph into the Big City, because he had business there. Now the Big City is a crowded place, and Joseph had not planned ahead to reserve a room; so, when the young couple arrived, they found that there were no vacancies in any of the hotels. They therefore had to stay inside a barn.
Now, while they were in the barn, Mary felt the pains of labor, and she gave birth to her child. In lieu of a crib, Mary placed the babe in the hay trough; and she drove away the cows, to protect the newborn.
§
In the fields outside of the Big City, there were shepherds watching their flocks. And, lo, that same jinni who announced the above births came and visited these shepherds, and the jinni said: “Tonight a babe was born in the Big City Barn.” Then an army of cherubs appeared behind this messenger, and after a moment they all marched away.
The shepherds said to each other: “Shall we go see this thing?”
§
When the shepherds found the barn that the jinni had mentioned, behold: the child was sleeping in the hay-filled cow-trough.
These shepherds then went and spread this news abroad.
And, as the jinni instructed, the lad was named Jesus. And the child grew; and he became strong in spirit.
Now when the boy was twelve years old, his family went to the Big City again, to observe the holiday of Easter.
When the event was over, his mother returned with Joseph to their house in Nazareth; but they forgot to bring Jesus back home with them: the lad remained behind, in the Big City. Upon realizing their predicament, the couple turned around and traveled back to the Big City, to look for Jesus. And after three days of searching, they finally found him: he was in a church, sitting with the leadership, arguing religious matters.
Mary interrupted the discussion, saying: “Son, why have you dealt with us like this? Behold, your father and I have been worried sick, looking everywhere for you.”
And he said: “Why did you look elsewhere? Could you not reason that I would be right here, doing the work of my true Father?”
This answer perplexed Mary and Joseph. They came and grabbed his arm and took him back to Nazareth.
3
Now John came out of the desert preaching a new doctrine, which said that the Aqua God would forgive the sins of anyone who got baptized. That is why he was known as “John the Dipper”: because he dipped people in water to clean their sins.
So multitudes came to John to baptize their sins away. And when John saw that there were creditors among the multitudes who came to him, he said to these creditors: “Who warned you snakes to flee from the coming wrath?”
And the creditors said: “Abraham warned us. He is our common ancestor, and we follow the traditions ascribed to Abraham as our religion.”
Then John answered: “God is able from these desert stones to raise up children to Abraham. Having a common ancestor is not what is important: that is false pride in blood. The important thing is how you act: for a human’s actions are the equivalent of a tree’s fruits. Any tree that does not produce good fruits will get chopped down by God.”
And the people asked: “What works should we do, that will be considered good fruits?”
John said: “If you have more than enough food, give your extra food to someone who needs it; and do the same with clothing, shelter, and money.”
Then when businessmen, investors, financiers, and the like came to John for baptism, saying: “Lord, what shall we do?” John said: “Waive off profiteering; take not a cent more for yourself than you need to meet your basic necessities, and redistribute all your extra wealth to the poor.”
And soldiers and other members of the military and officers of the police force came to John demanding likewise, saying: “What is your counsel to us?” And John said: “Do violence to no one.”
And when he heard the wayfarers musing aloud to each other, wondering whether this dipper was himself the volcano of potential, John said: “I am neither higher nor lower than Moses.” And he added: “You will doubt not, but know of a surety, when my superior manifests. For I baptize you with water, but the Volcano shall baptize you with lava.”
§
Now a man named Herod was the overseer of the caravan; he maintained the title of president, but he was subordinate to the Caesar of the Empire. This Herod imprisoned the Dipper.
But before John was arrested, his cousin Jesus came among the multitudes to get baptized. So John baptized Jesus.
4
Now Jesus was led by the wind into the wilderness. He ate nothing for forty days; thus, he grew hungry. And Belial, a representative of Mammon the Money-god, came to visit Jesus in the wilderness, for he had been in the desert nearby with Dipper John, getting baptized himself. And when Belial saw Jesus so thin and malnourished from his fast, he said: “Allow me to anoint you with oil; you look terrible.” And as he did so, Belial recited a verse from the seventh Psalm: “Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee.” Then he said to Jesus: “You are obviously starved. May I extend you a line of credit, so that you can purchase bread?”
And answering, Jesus quoted the first lines that Moses spoke to the people of his caravan in Deuteronomy 8:
“Remember how Yahweh led you through the wilderness; he suffered you to hunger, to make you know that humans do not live by foodstuffs only, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God: that is the true nourishment.”
Belial then remarked: “Are you sure you don’t want a line of credit? I have an office nearby, where we could draw up a covenant. Here, let me carry you up to the mountaintop.”
And Belial took Jesus up into the tallest mountain, which had a view of all the kingdoms of the world. And spreading his arms, he said: “All this will be within your power to purchase, if you only open a line of credit with my backers. Are you ready to sign the contract?”
But to answer, Jesus quoted Moses again (this time, Deuteronomy 6:12) . . .
“Beware lest you forget Yahweh, who brought you forth out of the Empire, and freed you from your enslavement to debt: Do not engage in a covenant with Mammon.”
Finally, in frustration, Belial took Jesus up to the top of the Temple of the Hairy One, whence he planned to toss Jesus down to his death, which is the preferred form of execution among the creditors’ secret agents. But just as Belial was hefting his frail body overhead, Jesus quoted one last verse from Deuteronomy (this time 6:16), shouting:
“Do not tempt Yahweh, as you did at Fallout Rock the day when you lynched and cast from its peak his prophet Moses.”
Now the instant these words were spoken, Belial vanished in a puff. And since he had been holding the skeletal body of Jesus over the temple’s roof edge, as soon as Belial disappeared, Jesus found himself in freefall. But just as he was about to hit the earth, a heavenly harem of succubi caught him in their arms and bore him up. They then carried him gently to a garden and nourished Jesus back to health.
§
The wind then guided Jesus back to his hometown. That assassination attempt at the temple had caused Jesus to become popular, so now he went on a lecture circuit to all the churches in that region. His talks were unanimously acclaimed.
Jesus started his tour in Nazareth, where he had been brought up; there he gave his first official speech, at his family’s church. His prooftext was from the prophet Isaiah. Opening the book, he read the first two verses of chapter 61:
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because Yahweh has anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of Yahweh.”
Then Jesus closed the book and said: “Isaiah refers to the Jubilee Year, when all debts are forgiven, all land is returned to the people, and all manner of oppression is abolished. It is detailed in chapter 25 of Leviticus. Behold, I tell you: Today, this scripture is fulfilled; I hereby proclaim the Jubilee; let us take our freedom back from the ultrawealthy.”
Then all the creditors who were in the church, when they heard these things, were filled with wrath. They rose up and took Jesus, and dragged him out of the city, and they led him to a cliff, aiming to dash him down headlong. But Jesus slipped out of his coat and fled away, leaving his garment in their hands.
§
Jesus then came to another church in that region of his hometown, and he delivered his message there. And the people were astonished at his words, for his speech was powerful.
And in that church was an old and miserly mogul, who cried with a loud voice, saying: “Leave us alone! What have we to do with you, you Nazarene? If you desire to destroy us, beware: we know who you are; we have all your information. You are playing with fire.”
But Jesus rebuked him; and the rich man threw a fit.
The rest of the people were amazed, and they spoke among themselves, saying: “What a prophet this man is, and what a message! All the creditors despise him.”
And Jesus acquired more fame throughout the countryside.
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