Dear scroll,
Yahweh came to me and said: “Get up and buy some malt liquor, and purchase a firearm.” So I went and did as I was instructed; then I walked about the city shouting: “The LORD warns you that all the people who dwell here will roam the streets like dogs, all juiced up and ready to shoot whoever looks too cool.”
Yahweh came to me a second time and said: “Go and get yourself plentiful drugs, and partake of them in front of the people.”
So I did as instructed, and I said to the congregation: “Behold, you will all become addicted to various substances in your old age. The pharmaceutical industry will have you by the lapels. And I say to your children: Kiss goodbye any inheritance that you expected to receive. For all your forebears’ assets shall funnel toward the drugmakers.”
Then Yahweh brought me to a nightclub. And we stood outside the building, where there was a hole in the wall; and he said: “Look in, and tell me what you see.”
So I knelt down and gazed into the nightclub, and I answered Yahweh and said: “I see females dancing.”
Then Yahweh said: “Shall you join them, mortal? If not, then why did you come?” So I arose and made ready to enter the club. However, just as I reached the front doorway, my right leg lost all feeling.
I said: “O LORD, I cannot move my leg to join the dance.”
And Yahweh made appear within my vision a tomato, and he said: “Mortal, what do you see?”
And I answered and said: “It is a fake tomato.”
Then Yahweh said: “You shall counterfeit the ability to participate. For all the people of this city shall soon lose their natural talents: If a man is a baker, he shall lose the power to bake; and if a man is a blacksmith, his hammering arm shall wither and dry up. But none shall admit this: each one shall act as though all is well.”
So I did as Yahweh instructed, and I joined the dance, lurching and limping about with feigned elation.
§
Yahweh appeared to me on the morrow, when I awoke after my night at the club, and he said: “Mortal, what do you see?”
And I said: “I see a dagger floating before me. Now I see that the dagger has become bloody.”
Then Yahweh said to me: “Look again. What do you see.”
And I answered Yahweh and said: “Ah, that is a soft rubber bodysuit with shoes that are plastered over with tree bark.”
So I did as instructed, and I slipped into something more comfortable: my dog fetched me my flippers, and I reclined on a beanbag in the middle of town, holding my dragon’s lance. And there was a banner displayed above me, with large letters proclaiming this message: “Ask.” And when the passersby tossed me their questions, I answered, saying: “I am anti human rights, pro overhand softball.” And this was to show the people what they would become if they refused to change their ways.
§
Yahweh came to me and said: “Mortal, what type of ship is this that I am piloting?”
And I said: “O Yahweh, that is a neon-pink ’68 Chrysler.”
And he said: “Get in.”
Then we drove to the Monochrome Lodge, where we parked. Soon there came a gray monk driving a Kia. (When I say gray, I do not mean skin color; skin color is never important; I mean that he was a gray monk from the Monochrome Lodge.) Now this man was on a mission to remedy the currently out-of-whack distribution of wealth: he explained this when we asked after his purpose. We thought this sounded like a good idea, so we joined his charity, because we had a lot of money to give away. We then visited all the needy and supplied everyone with enough funds to afford them adequate food and clothing. And we also taught them how to read and why.
Then we noticed that all the drug dealers in the city were baking batches of crack cocaine. So we researched all the ways that previous prophetic duos had reacted to this development; for we were not the first two seers to drive through the city helping the populace. And what we found was that most of our forerunners had chosen to chase after the drug dealers and use the legal system to bring them to justice. But what Yahweh and I concluded, after looking into the legal system briefly, is that it was not a good setup, and that there was no justice in it. Therefore, we decided to take a different stance: instead of battling the drug dealers as their adversaries, we chose to drive them out of business by concocting a better product and distributing it more efficiently. So we built ourselves a laboratory inside a mountain, and we baked up big batches of crack cocaine, which we then divvied and packed by hand into ornate sacks. These we sold on street corners. And our prices were lower than the competition; and the quality of our merchandise was superior, as was our service. So we soon provoked all the drug dealers who had previously dominated the city to become bankrupt; then we set up meetings with these defeated businessmen and offered to hire them as managers and overseers within our own company.
Now, having obtained a monopoly on the crack-cocaine trade, we were in the position of being able to help the end user kick their habit – that was our ultimate goal. So what we did was as follows. We made it a prerequisite for anyone who desired to purchase crack cocaine that they become members of our Health and Wellness Support Group at the Monochrome Lodge. This way, everyone who had a problem with crack abuse was automatically signed up to attend periodic meetings with our trained staff. We worked with each addict on a one-to-one basis, and helped them ease off the drug and rejoin society: we gave them new friends and family, love, a vocation, fresh clothing, a house, a car, charisma, and an interesting hobby.
Now fire from heaven came down and landed on your mom, and she began to speak clearly and in complete sentences.
§
Then Yahweh floated over to me at night and said: “Mortal, what do you see.”
And I said: “It’s dark, and I was sleeping. I’m not sure what you are trying to make me look at.”
And Yahweh put his hand on my head and turned it physically; then I began to make out some forms within the blackness. (It was around midnight, and we were in the part of the city where there are no street lamps, because they had all been smashed by vandals.) And Yahweh ignited a torch, and said: “Mortal, what do you see?”
And I answered and said: “I see fifty-five machineguns.”
Then he said: “Come, we have much work to do.”
First we went to all the stores that sell Vaseline, and we opened all the jars and replaced their contents with green slime.
Then we took a trip to the great outdoors, and we stood there like two old men who love nature, and we admired the scenery for a while. I think the sun was rising.
Next we went and pestered the legislative body. We called them “Pilgrims,” and caused earthquakes to occur, and parked a boat on their house.
Then we heard the sound of naked women with hiccups, and so we blindfolded ourselves and groped forth to find the source of the sound; at long last we stumbled upon the sufferers and cured them. That night, we hired skyscrapers filled with thunderbolts to come up and build themselves, to keep these ladies lit.
§
Yahweh came to me and said: “Mortal, what do you see.”
I answered and said: “I see a Mechanical Snow-Shooter burying a mansion.”
So I did as I was instructed, and I went into the avalanche begging for it to yield up any Peruvians among its contents who were half beaver; and I fed them soup, and mended them back to full beaverhood, without losing any of their Peruvianness. Then, having such a strong army at my back, I was finally able to razz up all the people in the world who dislike Freud.
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