Roses and Soap Operas

1. Roses

Do not fall asleep while handling roses, because they are covered in thorns, and they are prone to get caught in your hair.

Roses come in three colors: blue, green, and red. All are handsome. I am considering picking a dozen and then placing them in the garage. Let me go fetch a vase and fill it with water.

I will now go down to the store, and purchase a rose, and present it to my girlfriend.

What else in this world is so fine and red? What else is so beautiful?

Roses are nice to smell and lovely. They warm you up when you are frozen.

But every rose has its thorn, just like every cowboy sings a song. Life is a trap for you to avoid.

I want a bouquet of six white and six red. This I will present to my other girlfriend, and then she will agree to marry me.

Show me a woman who dislikes roses. Such a woman does not exist. She’s a mere supposition. Real women love roses.

This is the perfect symbol of amorous attachment. Did you know that all doves are albino crows?

2. Let Us Watch Soap Operas

Here is the dictionary definition for soap opera: “A drama series that concerns the daily lives of a group of characters.” I would add to this that the series must be infinite; that is, it must never end. All the soap operas that have been unleashed in the world of television or radio are still in production: to this day, new episodes are available to be enjoyed. One usually consumes them while ironing. (Ironing is a house chore that entails “flattening items such as sheets and trousers with a heated brick.”)

Set up your ironing board next to mine, and watch soaps with me. If you run out of wrinkled garments, I have a whole bunch of extra stuff that I can give you – just let me know.

We begin with Port Charles which takes place in the city of Port Charles, New York, and concerns the lives of Lucy Coe, Kevin Collins, and Karen Wexler.

Next, we watch Ryan’s Hope, which revolves around a large Irish-American family in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan.

Dark Shadows depicts the lives of the wealthy Collins family of Collinsport, Maine.

Soapnet is a U.S. cable and satellite television channel that airs soap operas, day and night. I watch it constantly.

Soap operas are super fun, never dull.

The Bold and the Beautiful is set in Los Angeles and concerns the Forrester family’s fashion house business Forrester Creations.

General Hospital is about the seventh floor of General Hospital.

When I was a child and I caught the flu and stayed home from school, my mom and I watched Another World, which opened with an announcer saying “We do not live in this world alone, but in a thousand other worlds.” When I asked my mom what this meant, she explained while ironing: “It means that clocktime is perfused by the wonders of eternity.”

That show had a lot of beautiful women: Micki, Marley, Amanda, Paulina, Ada, and Rachel. And my favorite male character was Cass, a prominent Bay City lawyer.

As the World Turns, Days of Our Lives, One Life to Live, All My Children . . .

Ah, the emotion, the passion. Hush now, here comes the scene I do not want to miss: Karl just pulled out a rope and is aiming to kill Mack.

Love in the Afternoon is a 1957 film directed by Billy Wilder.

Love in the Afternoon is a 1972 film directed by Éric Rohmer.

Invitation to Love was the show that all the people in the show Twin Peaks watched.

Things go awry like a full moon. I’m clicking my remote control, setting the VCR, to find out who is sleeping with Tamar: is it Amnon or Judah? I bet it’s Judah, because he was previously having an affair with Shua’s daughter, thus impulsivity and deception are in his nature.

Now I hear the phone ringing. Hello? Oh, hi mom; I’m just watching my stories. Yeah, I know: Judah is such a rake. What does Tamar see in him?

3. The Plot of My Very Own Soap Opera

After spending many years as a fan of soap operas, I finally got a chance to make my own show. Here it is:

What happened in Episode 1 of My Own Soap:

Don King presented me with his diamond tiara, and we went to the mall and bought jewels, and we saved people from being murdered. Then the goddess of the soils of the farmland came forth and gave birth in one of the storefronts, to ensure that everyone got the amusement they paid for. Our favorite coin-op was the spaghetti machete, an ingenious invention: when you slurp the pasta into your lips, if the strand is too lengthy, it can cut itself off so that the eater need not suffer shame from overlong-sucking. Judith who beheaded Holofernes then took us sledding down a big hill of ice, and we received our final judgment under a marvel called the Quasi-Centrifugal Prophetic Mistletoe. The thing keeps spinning away from you, because it does not desire to be the cause of your kissing; much like how a squirrel will take the opposite side of a tree trunk, and if you pace clockwise in attempt to see it better, it continues to hide. Then, when you finally do meet mouth-to-mouth (with your lover, not the rodent), the plant utters an oracle concerning the future of your relationship. It is not unuseful.

Now there was this gang known as the Pistol-Packing Mystics, and they claimed to care for everyone, but they really only wanted to date everyone’s sister. They came and said to me: “What do you see, mortal?”

And I answered and said: “I see Lord Yahweh holding an iron over the pit.”

And they said: “Wrong. That is Snow White and Seventeen Elves.”

Tune in next time for more family romances.