Gossip
Tell me everything that happened – I won’t repeat it; I’m good at keeping secrets. OK, did you know that Jenny and Danny are going steady now? What’s that all about?
Every day, I spend hours on the telephone, spreading rumors, disseminating the Breaking News: it’s all over the town, now. Chris and Pam had a son out of wedlock. John is cheating on his wife.
Do you know what I heard your woman say? She has been hooking up with Don for the past few months. And Mickey’s got a thing for Jill.
Ring, ring. That’s the phone. I bet it’s for me. Hello? Oh, hi Bernice, yes, did you hear about Tommy? He and Rachel might break up because of the Long Jump Incident. Ooh, hold on: I just heard some beeping on the line, which means that I have another call waiting – I need to click over. Hello? Oh, Tommy, hi, how’s Rachel? Oh, that’s too bad. Hold on, Tommy, I have someone on the other line. Hello, Bernice? Yeah, it’s Tommy and he’s crying. Ooh, hold on, I have a third call coming in; I’ll click back to you in a sec. Hello? Oh, Rachel, wow, hi, I was just thinking about you. Hold on, Rachel, my mom’s on the other line. Hello, Bernice? Yeah, it’s Rachel and she’s crying – she says she just broke up with Tommy.
Love and Relationships
We are the Sensitive Two-Man Entity of 2012. We know what patience is. We would marry a woman if we should father her son. Because we are Love and Relationships: that is our name. We came to give you goodness and lessen your fret level. We promise never to leave, ever. So open your heart and invite us inside. We will not defy your trust. We are caring and sharing. We are staring at what you are wearing. We go for beach-walks and do small-talk and emote, to build your trust. Right off the dock. Visit our website. If you like love, and you feel a connection to relationships, then you will rejoice to see how soothing and warm we are, when the sound of our voice comes through the speakers. Listen: it is genuine. We provide women with hymns that heal the hurt. That is our mission statement.
Spa Treatment
When you wrap yourself in a towel, then head down the sidewalk to get a massage, it feels so good that you scream and quake. Come to the spa and stay a full month. Get a manicure. Get a pedicure. Stand in the hot room. Relax. Eat some treats.
Run to the spa, this instant: forget your man – leave him working out in the desert. Come and put on a mint mud mask. Exchange your old wrinkly skin for skin that is young and beautiful. Why ever leave: just stay and live at the spa indefinitely, and keep rejuvenating your youth. Find a new spouse here at the spa. Be at the spa together, you and your new spouse, and live for once: finally, real life. Abandon evil. Turn from your previous ways, buy a ticket for a nighttime helicopter ride: come to the spa and enjoy performing the Human Claw Dance with other cheerleaders your age in Panama. Study the Received Scriptures and get a golden tan.
Put cucumber slices upon your eyeballs. Soak in the suds bubbles. Enjoy a cocktail. Hot tub air jet whirlpool. Exfoliating facial cream. Do it: paint your toenails. Eat a whole bag of potato chips. Steam in the sauna.
Wash with hot water, to open your pores. Rinse with cold water, to shut their doors.
Diamonds
Haven’t you heard? Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. So enter a mine and fetch one for her, or you will end up in trouble: your case will come before the judge. Until you go mining and return with a diamond for your woman, you will never be safe, because a diamond lasts forever. Therefore, pickax a gem for the girl. Claim that it will scratch glass. Carry this gift inside your fist. Let your love remain true. Get a ring, set a date. Wear a charm bracelet around your neck. Go to work on the farm. Now enter a mine and fetch a diamond: the bigger the better, and the more the merrier. Be careful not to lose it down the drain when you are bathing your piglets in the sink; maybe keep the ring on your hand that is holding the wine glass, so that it remains far away from all the dangers of this real-world situation.
Yes, go into a mine and fetch a diamond, Luke Havergal. And while you are there, pick up an emerald, a sapphire, and some topaz. Have them professionally studded within a mag rim tire. Find a golden calf in the mine, and some nice glass slippers, and a dark crystal. Look how each item emits an eerie green glow. Return home after delivering this boatload of treasures, and mark an X on the star chart where you made the Big Dipper constellation overflow into the Little Dipper, which now ladles these luxuries onto the Virgin.
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