Heaven

Dear diary,

One of the many things that I dislike about preachers, pastors, and priests is when they sermonize people with wretched descriptions of Hell, just to terrify the audience into submitting to The Church. “If you disobey our version of God,” these preachers say, “you will end up in Hell, where the temperature is always too hot, and everyone is thirsty, and no one is compassionate.”

Let me therefore counteract these horrible sermons about Hell with my own friendly sermon about Heaven.

A Friendly Sermon about Heaven
by Bryan Ray, Guru

Ah, Heaven. It is a place where you shall go after you die. Here is a description of what you will see there:

You will see living adults, old people, and teenagers. There will be crystal rivers sparkling over the walls, and elegantly shallow sheets of crystal water all over the floor: it will barely wet your feet. No shoes or sandals shall be necessary, because the ground is so soft. Even the roads are cushioned, and paved in gold.

Everyone will be alive. Nobody will die. The same number of people are present here every day. Nobody ever falls ill here: this is Heaven; and even if you wanted to leave, there’s not really anywhere else to go: you can flee to the neighboring place, but it’s all one country, as far as the eye can see; and it’s enjoyable everywhere. Nothing about Heaven is unpleasant.

Nobody screams or trembles here. People sing and sway.

And there is a train that you can ride. The experience of taking Heaven’s train differs in accord with your taste. For instance, if you enjoy the feelings associated with rollercoasters, then the train is like that type of transport; whereas, if you find the concept of wild rides frightening, then it’s just a regular monorail. Some people desire to travel at high speeds, to ascend great heights and then descend from them rapidly: for those people, the train acts like an amusement-park ride; its cars detach and spin around while the thing rushes through space and turns upside-down within loops and flies off the track. But for the people who, like myself, would rather travel at a moderate pace, and who prefer hills and valleys to mountains and freefalls, the train will bring you peacefully to your destination. And both versions of the train – crazy and sane – are one and the same: so the daring passengers do not need to take a separate vehicle; there is no segregation necessary; for the ride was engineered in a way that allows for any of its segments to be savage or tame at any given moment. This was accomplished by securing each of the train’s carriages with thick straps and cords to a complex framework of metal blades.

A minimum of paperwork is required upon arrival in Heaven: there is only one simple form that you need to fill out. Then you are ready to go. So, relax your mind, and get in line to ride the Loco Motion Railway Vehicle (that’s the name of the aforesaid train).

You hand your completed form to a person in a booth, and that person then pulls a switch. Now crystal water cascades from the wall, and you feel the desire to sway and sing.

Nobody ever gets chopped in two, like on Earth. Here in Heaven, cuts to the skin heal immediately, and they don’t hurt at all.

A man once showed up at Heaven’s gates with a metal shaft jabbed in the center his back, and they were able to get that out: no problem.

And there’s an incinerator that keeps everything clean.

Every citizen’s head has a nice look to it. Every torso is good-looking, as well. No one gets knifed or stabbed with any weapon. Like I explained, if you arrive from Earth with such a wound, you will receive treatment. I have never seen anything go wrong, here.

You have heard of graverobbers who steal the brains out of corpses? There are none of those in Heaven. There is no need for circumcision, either. And no man slices open his own guts, à la seppuku. That is unheard of.

Any bone problems that you may have suffered on Earth are now gone. Nobody’s spine ever cracks. All eyeballs are healthy. Vision is 20/20. No billowing flames, no burning flesh. Nobody cries.

Pain is very minimal: it only exists to compliment the great pleasures that abound here. Just a dash of discomfort to every flood of bliss. There’s this train that travels around, and you can ride it.

No one’s head is amputated. Nobody’s chest is caved in. Everyone is whole. There’s no nausea. No skeletons with their static horrible smiles.

And of course there are no graves. No prophets buried in caves, glowing and ready to come to life someday. Everyone here is already alive; we’ve all gone through Earth, and now we’re celebrating for the rest of eternity in Heaven. Job well done. Congratulations.

It is hot, but pleasantly so. Everything is brighter than the sun, but you grow accustomed to this very quickly. You can wear dark shades if you want, if you think that looks fashionable.

Should you see a father and son walking around who seem to be on fire, that is not a bad thing: the flames do not burn them; they are enjoying themselves. Don’t worry.

I haven’t encountered any rusty metal rat cages yet. There’s nothing to suck out your soul, or to clamp it down to beat it. Here, God is nice to everyone. God really does love you. There’s no filth, no blood; nothing you need to fear being exposed to. I don’t think anything is poisonous here.

On Earth, people can reach into your abdomen and grope and dig till they seize your heart. That does not happen in Heaven. In Heaven, your head stays in place, and your face does not melt off: you remain smiling.

[Here ends Part 1. To be continued . . .]