[I wrote nothing today, so I planned on reposting one of my old entries here, like I did the last couple days. But here’s the problem: I don’t like any of my old entries. When I re-read the last two, I only thought the first one was OK, and I cringed at the second. And now I just finished looking through all my other old T-day writings, and I was ashamed of each and every one. So then I thought I should re-share the multi-part Thanksgiving Essay that I wrote last year; but now I can’t stand that either. But, since I happen to have that essay still in front of me, I’ll copy selections from it; otherwise I’ll have nothing to show for this day, and only the wise are silent.]
Turkey
Imagine a turkey flying overhead. Now imagine eating this turkey for Thanksgiving.
One year, my friend Stegz invited me to celebrate the holiday with his family. His mom was preparing the meal, but her oven was not working right. She put the bird in there a whole day early. She ended up leaving it in the oven overnight. Then, when the actual day of Thanksgiving arrived, she set it on the serving platter: Its skin was whitish pink. So she melted some butter and, with a brush, painted it as a glaze all over the carcass: Now the bird looked golden brown. Then we said a prayer and began to eat. It tasted delicious, and after the meal we all felt fantastic.
Pilgrims
Now it’s time to talk about the pilgrims. They were the first mariners to bear offspring for America, which is India. A great spirit blew their ship to shore.
So they landed on the land. These folks were the ones I warned you about: They made the country great again, which caused the natives to applaud. Then an annual festival was invented by these voyagers. After befriending the former residents of India, they invited them to dine with them on their property. And, to this day, it remains a tradition to do as they did. The pilgrims all wore top hats with gold crucifixes, and black shirts with white frills.
Eating
Here I am, eating a turkey dinner. It is very satisfying. When I finish the meal, I push my chair back from the table and stand up.
By this time, I am snoring. I am dreaming of the T Day superhero Candied Yam Man. He has gigantic hands made of candied yams, and he’s chasing me all through the house.
Then I fall into a deeper sleep and dream of lambs leaping over a fence. Now one poor little lamb starts baaing in fear. Behold: Candied Yam Man is standing on the lamb.
“Candied Yam Man, stop!” I shout in my dream. “These lambs are only trying to help me sleep. Do not crush them beneath your boot.”
Then Candied Yam Man smiles and nods. He sings me a lullaby — its lyrics go:
I’m gonna dupe you hard,Oh, I’m gonna dupe you so hard, sleepy boy.
In conclusion, I totally fell for his yammish charm: Now I’M the one being stepped on.
§
MORAL: Eating turkey makes you drowsy, which causes you to let down your guard and become vulnerable to attacks by heavy machinery this holiday season.
Family
Thanksgiving centers upon family. You spend time with your grandparents, your uncles and aunts, your step-niece and her mom, your nephews and sister-in-law, your great-aunt Marie and her boyfriend Sylvester, your brother Todd and his friend Joey, your sister Gale, your cousin Charlie, your other cousin Scott, and your father who sells insurance for a living.
Love as well the sisters and brothers of your extended family. Praise God for cooking your food, and be thankful for the fact that you all are wearing clothing.
Thankfulness
Whoever you are, you should express that you are thankful.
There are many things to be thankful about. All of these things are blessings.
I presume that you’re not trapped in a building that’s on fire at the moment — that’s something to be thankful for.
Or you might be grilling burgers, etc.
The Citizens of India
Have you ever seen a man with hair on his head, who looks like he might be from some other country? If so, then you have seen a citizen of India.
When you see a citizen of India, say hello. And, if you notice any person ever attempting to drag a tree around in the desert, grab the other end and help to lift it.
One time, my old boss Ron took a trip to India. When Ron arrived, a tall man offered him a hand-rolled cigarette. Ron gave thanks and smoked the offering, which pleased him. Ron’s vision then blurred, and he began to feel an intense longing for more of whatever had been inside that cigarette.
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
QUESTION: What type of food should you prepare for the Thanksgiving Holiday? ANSWER: This combo is considered extremely festive.
Now, when you pour the gravy on the taters, you might find that it spills down the sides. It may run down upon the plate.
Dinner
Personally, I am against eating meals. Consuming food is the wrong way to seek health and happiness.
Grandpa Takes His Teeth Out
I, for one, find Grandpa’s toothless state interesting. It brings up so many questions. How does he eat beef? How does he eat pork?
How to Cook Thanksgiving Turkey
First, you must find a big bowl. Then a chef should come into the room and begin to stir the ingredients together. Now you can leave and let the chef work. Go sit on a chair in the other part of the house and watch some television programs. When the meal is done, the chef will come and serve you a plate of chili.
Now that the holiday has concluded, you might be wondering whether the event was successful.
First, examine your trousers: are you able to stand up in them? Do they seem dry? Then you’re good to go. You must have eaten some tasty substance.
Now walk down a hallway past your parents. Also be sure that your Uncle Steve is in the hall. Relationships are crucial.
Next, take a white towelette. If desired, use a baster to squirt a stream of turkey-dirt at the furniture, and then follow up afterwards. Just an idea for next year.
[Here ends “The Thanksgiving Essay.”]
An audio version of the above is available as a rap demo tape that my friend and I made when we were in high school. For the faint of heart.
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