Cooking Dinner

Are you an intelligent woman who hates cooking dinner? Well then you should just marry me, Bryan Ray, because I love cooking dinner; and I’m very good at it, too. I can cook all the staple foods, like macaroni and beef, and I even built a machine that fashions name-brand dishes such as Cheerios (pulverized oats in the shape of a torus). I can make warm, fluffy, delicious waffles that have syrup on them; or, if you prefer a dinner consisting solely of confectioneries, my specialty is Skittles, which are multicolored button-shaped candies: I make the corn syrup by hand, as well as the citric acid and hydrogenated palm kernel oil, and then I generously add artificial fruit flavors that are all derived from organic ingredients. I can basically bake anything. Just give me a griddle and some kitchen matches. 

I wear an apron over my suit. I set the table with salad forks and doilies; and I place some candles next to our plates, to create a romantic atmosphere. Then I wait for you to sit down before I gently adjust the position of your chair. What I’m doing is ensuring that you’re viewing the meal from the picture-perfect angle, so the light hits the food just right: like a photograph for an ad. You’ll feel like you’re living in a glossy magazine. 

The dinner that I made for you tasted great — you said it yourself. “What a treat!” you exclaimed. 

The secret is that I cook with pots and pans, and I always follow the proper sanitary procedures, such as carefully monitoring the temperature of meat substitutes, and compulsively washing my hands with orange soap. 

Cooking dinner takes time and talent, but I am willing to spend all my gifts on you, because your conversation is nice. When you return home in the evening from whatever it is that you do all day, I have your dinner waiting for you, hot and steaming.