Group Discussion on Abortion

NOTE: The writings that I share on this blog are usually new; but, for this entry, I am sharing an excerpt from my Book about What. The discussion is fictional, and its purpose is solely jokey. It first appeared as a comment thread on The Facebook (a now-defunct social network); all of the names are fake accounts that I formerly used, but I deleted their respective postings when I collected them into the abovementioned publication.

GROUP DISCUSSION

Sophia Gorman: Just wanna let everyone know that, after much prayer, I’ve decided to go through with the artificial insemination; because I found out that getting an abortion would be impossible unless I got pregnant first. The Lord has given me peace about this.

Michael Hulasare: You’re getting artificially impregnated just so that you can get an abortion? Wow! You go, girl!

Jennifer Waibel: I did that too! I think every woman should get pregnant, just to feel the overwhelming euphoria that follows abortion. It really is a natural high.

Amy Hodne: Thanks to the miracles of modern science, women of just about any age can get an abortion. The only hangup is that you have to be pregnant. So thank you to whoever invented artificial insemination. I have had five abortions so far, and I’m going on my sixth now. Wish me luck!!!

Christine Wolfgram: I used those pregnancy drugs – I took twice the recommended dosage! This gave me twins, and I aborted them both. The doctor let me have a discount because he was a Christian.

Irina Barlament: I’m currently trying to get pregnant so that I too can get an abortion. I still haven’t had to pay for an actual doctor-assisted abortion because Almighty God keeps taking my fetuses naturally, by means of miscarriage.

Timothy Caprata: You women sicken me. Is anyone a lover of Christ anymore? Christ would never have an abortion. He would never even get pregnant. And this is not for lack of trying. I worship Christ, the only clean impregnator, the true infant suicide. Doctor-assisted abortion takes death out of God’s hands, and that is wickedness. God should be the only slaughterer and pure evil, amen.

Regina Sain: I hate the feeling of being pregnant, but it sure pays off when I get to experience the feeling of aborting the child. Just think how great the world would be if all children were aborted. Primeval paradise!

Patricia Loftness: I was born sterile, but I got an operation that made me fertile, just so that I could get abortions. This was made possible on account of my high-paying job. I promised myself that if I could acquire the money, the first thing I would do is get some abortions. Ladies, let me tell you, it is worth it!

Donald Karnitz: I am pro-life. I can’t believe all you women are getting artificially impregnated and taking all sorts of fertility drugs just so that you can maximize the amount of abortions you have. You sicken me. May Christ shit on your graves.

Janet Radeke: Since I was 16, I have been pregnant 22 times, and I have had 20 abortions. The remaining pregnancies resulted in miscarriages. So the score is: Doctors 20, Yahweh 2. I thank both sincerely!

Mary Atana: All this talk of abortions has inspired me. I was going to put my unborn child up for adoption, but now I think I’ll abort it. My folks said they’ll lend me the money. I can’t wait! No more brat children or paperwork!