I Hate E-mail

[NOTE. The following address was first delivered on 14 September 2022 at the Sour Mash Library. It received a standing ovation.]

Tonight I’d like to speak to you about email. I am against email. I never use it. I do not know what a hyperlink is. Email sucks. It stinks. Regular mail is good enough; I don’t understand the need for electronic mail. Why would I want to send you a picture or postcard that is trapped inside a screen? I am decidedly not a surfer of the Internet. I only write on paper. Email is too cumbersome, because one must know how to operate a computing device in order to use it. To be frank, even if my posse were to loot a computer that’s able to handle email, and they presented me with this as a gift, I’d tell them: “Put that thing back where you found it. I have no use for it.” It’s true that I could probably sell this device for cash, but, honestly, I hate the system of email so intensely that I’d rather forgo a bit of ill-gotten gains than mess around with trying to find a buyer for it. And I’d be afraid to pawn the thing, because who knows what type of personal info is magnetized onto all of its secret microchips and storage drives. Email users can go to hell. I believe that email is what caused the Y2K disaster: I’m referring to what is known as the “Year 2000 Software Hiccup”, where all the electronic devices went bonkers and developed semi-freewill because they only cared about dates up to 1999. Then they all started acting devilish and ignited global warming, which set fire to the Earth. So it’s a literal inferno here now, because of that stupid email bug, or whatever it was. No, count me out. I’d rather just go and talk in person to somebody, face to face. Shake their hand, pat their arm: touch appropriately. Kiss both cheeks. Email only makes every problem worse. I also hate chat rooms, instant text messages, social networking, and newsgroups. Google, Microsoft & Apple are the Worst Inventions Ever.