In a recent essay, I revealed all the tips and tricks about shopping for groceries. I explained that visiting the food market is a fine art; then I relayed how to execute the act properly. (I even wrote a follow-up detailing what one should do after completing one’s grocery-purchasing trip.) Now, in the present essay, I will provide an official list of what every grocery shopper should place in her cart. For, just as there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about purchasing foodstuffs, there’s also just one selection of goods that should be bought. However, since most people would rather be confused by two disparate lists than reassured by a single clear list, my superior grocery recommendations shall be presented as a twofold catalog of selections labeled “Best” and “Better”.
I’ll start with the BEST grocery list. Ideally, you should purchase:
- Microwave pizza and Dijon mustard
- Whole wheat bread, peanut butter and Jell-O
- Bagels, corned beef, celery and purple mayonnaise
- Green ketchup, Vivarin caffeine powder, Gatorade sports beverage
- Milk, French fries, and honey-roasted peas
- Pork for you, and pork for your spouse
- Corn chips, diet pills, pocket bread, syrup
- Cheez Whiz, crackers, beer nuts, popcorn
- Carrot cake and sponge cake
- Coffee cake and birthday cake
- Lemon pie and apple pie
- Pumpkin pie and cherry pie
- Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in edible hard-shell tortilla bowls
- Teen People Magazine
And here’s the BETTER list of goods to toss in your grocery cart:
- A meatball, string cheese, light bulbs and sweet potato fries
- Cool Whip, pork roast, “beef tips” (the tender parts of the sirloin top; also called “stew meat”)
- Granulated saccharin, Vanilla Tea
- No More Fake Novels
- Bibb lettuce and cantaloupe
- Black plastic comb and a pocket-sized bottle of Hot Oil Hair Tonic
- Ball pen, ice cream, hot sauce, Jim Beam bourbon
- K-Y toothpaste, pork chops, lunch cake
- Turkey, Mexican jumping beans in mashed potatoes
- Chicken and collard greens
- Kitchen sink with everything else included
- Illustrated King James Bible (vegetarian alternative: pornographic magazines)
- Toilet paper rolls, yeah!
- Fabric softener for jumpsuits
- Salt & pepper spray, plus one box of Margarine-sicles
- Handcrafted McNugget filets
- Trash bag with cold cuts
- Mixed tampons, plant-based synthetic beefsteak
- Oatmeal, hot buns
- Crystal Pepsi and Zima
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