Why My Favorite R&B Singer is That One Guy Whose Name I Can’t Recall

I love the old style of music that’s called “Rhythm and Blues,” which was sold on vinyl records during the 1940s and up through the ’70s, but I hate the updated version that’s abbreviated “R&B” which started to appear on plastic Compact Discs around the ’80s and continued into the ’90s and beyond. The newer form of so-called R&B music does not appeal to me at all, and that’s why my favorite R&B singer is that one guy whose name I can’t even remember. I haven’t heard any of the songs he has made, because I try hard to avoid them; but I saw the guy’s picture in a superstar heartthrob magazine, and he had a well-trimmed mustache and tight pants made from a very shiny material. I suppose girls think this guy looks attractive. Even staunchly bigoted housewives in the suburbs might agree to tone down their racism for an evening, if this talented artist were to let them date him. I almost bought one of the guy’s albums, out of curiosity, but instead I used the money to buy some grapes. 

Now I presume you’d like to know what I did with these grapes, so I’ll tell you: I ate them with three cans of candied yams. It seems that this is what caused my mechanical body part to stop functioning properly and fall off during our game of Jell-O Twister. The event has left me feeling frail and vulnerable; plus I’m in jail. However, I lost ten pounds by drinking nothing but a type of diet soda that is the consistency of stew. Remind me to thank you for paying my bail and picking me up in your Funkmobile, by the way. I like your Dynamat Rattle Guard; I agree that it makes the bass thump five times as low. And I enjoyed spending time with you at the women’s clothing store Christopher & Banks, so it’s good that you suggested we stop there on the way home. Too bad they closed down forever, right while we were shopping. Emergencies happen, I guess. Their selection was surprising — it was bliss to browse. Now I’m going to use a white marker to blank out their competitor’s name from my yard sign and spend the rest of the day quietly seething.