Here is the first canto of a seven-part masterwork titled Prince James Navigates the Seven Circles.
Circle 1: The Lake of Fire
Dear Muse(s), please sing thru me the story of Prince James, before he became the King who wrote the Bible.
OK. Once, our hero was standing in the grass on the mountainside. He sees a guide talking to him:
“Hi, I’m your chaperone, let’s go down in.”
“Where are we gonna go to: Hell?”
“Yeah, come on now. How did you guess? Alright, here is the First Circle: The Lake of Fire.”
“All I see are evil ladies. There’s my mom, Queen Mare; and there’s my drunken absent father.”
“Don’t remind yourself — let me chaperone you forward into the second circle. Plug your nose.”
“Wow, the second circle of the Lake of Fire? I didn’t know that there were so many levels to this complicated onion. Hey, look: I see my friends from public school, Glen and Rob. Plus there is a kiosk where merchants are selling hysterical opera soap.”
“Enough. Let’s see what’s even more below. I’ll press this button to descend the escalier to the fifth circle.”
“I’ll raise your bet and drop us to circle ten. That’s as low as it goes. Here we are, dear guide. We won Limbo.”
“By God’s bodkins, I swear, I’ve never been down this far before. This must be the home of the true and living thieves. Look over there: it’s the two who were crucified with the famous Nazarene. And there’s the Nazarene himself, who threatened to come like a thief in the night. So this is where they’ve all been hiding out!”
“Let’s drill down past the bottom of the pit, under the lake’s floor, where the fire is hot and sputtering. Down where they make the molten lava and the brimstone, plus the infamous Ten Brands of Beer.”
“Hey, who’s guiding who, son!? You really know your way around this place.”
“Look to your right and you’ll see all the sinners burning to the bone. And now look to your left and you’ll see a man I once admired.”
“Lucifer the Devil, how are you? What did you do to end up here?”
“I was wrong and I admit it. Don’t do what I did, OK? Please stop scolding me.”
“Sorry, Luce. Now can you tell us who is that giant seraph trapped in the middle of all the fire and ice?”
“That’s Ludwig Wittgenstein. The block of amber that he’s preserved within shall keep him fresh for more than seventeen eons. He is the most punished rebel in Tartaros, because the current regime of gods who rule the world were too impatient to listen to what he was saying. So they shelved him here. But, some day, Rumor predicts that Lud will rise like the Kraken and pardon and free me and Jesus. Then together we’ll revamp Endlessness.”
Hearing their theme music fading up on the soundtrack, James and his chaperone now celebrate by doing a do-se-do with all of the hundreds of flushed and heavy-breathing damsels of the Fire Lake. This brings them directly to the 2nd Circle: Purgatory Playground.
[To be continued . . .]
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