Deodands

You’re walking home from the market with your milk and bread. Suddenly, a bird’s nest falls from a tree branch and kills you. This same thing could happen with a ceiling fan, a cooking pot, a rocker, a bowling ball, or sand. Any item will serve just fine. Does your land have someone whom you refer to as “the royal crown”? They’ll know what to do about it. Let me give you my personal testimony:

When the king confiscated my head, I knew I was busted. There’s this contraption called The Death Machine — I always forget what happens after that: my memories of the event are fuzzy. Anyway, as I was traveling down through the gates of Hell, here comes this evil red vampire. He presents a receipt for my wrinkled soul: Apparently it caused the fire to be extinguished where it had landed. You might be asking yourself: “Why is this guy telling me that he was dead with an empty spirit in the underworld, while his earthly body remained unburied and mutilated?” I can tell you: the laws of metaphysics are to blame. What formerly corresponded to Paradise is run by bribe-taking puppets, and they presided over the manufacture of a virus shaped like a device that is used to administer capital punishment. That’s how they keep everyone trapped in the dark forest of poverty.