A star-shaped cannon in the outer blackness is aimed at a sinister planet from whose surface an attack pod is launching. Hold the sides of your face and exclaim: “Oh my! Spacetime! Living death! Photon missile blast! Hi-tech metal probe from the Dark Side! Don’t breathe the atmosphere! Extraterrestrials are draped in subatomic raiment! Hot air! Spinning globe! Radar gun with blinking lights! I fear that we’re dashing at warp-speed past Neptune while the Milky Way is draining into a black hole!” Now a monster with blood oozing everywhere and fifty tentacles flying the cruise ship dons a Mylar jumpsuit and enters the strobe zone. Multicolored astronaut food homogenizes itself into a time machine so as to battle the alien blobs. When his spaceship is stolen by a faceless deity, our dog metamorphoses into a towering humanoid but gets tangled in the warlock trap, so the gremlin babies come and suck on his head. Look: a giant standalone brain is leaving a trail of slime — blast your guns at the wormlike parasites! All of a sudden, enemy troopers with heat-seeking prayer bulletins land on Jupiter and confiscate our wizard with an electronic mist. But we’re too late: the emperor already persuaded his invisible beast to steer the fission-powered air-train into the network’s offices, which caused Channel 5 to cancel Twin Peaks.
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