It’s Judgment Day, and you’ve been resurrected into eternal life: What’s the first thing you’d like to do? (How about taking a look at one of the many amazing homes on the market right now!)
My new job is to predict the future, so I announce: “The sun will rise tomorrow.” Then, when it doesn’t come up, I say: “I can’t do this; fortunetelling is too hard!” – I quit and become a car mechanic instead.
Now I’m a scientifically illiterate automotive engineer moonlighting as a psychiatrist. I leave your vehicle broken and claim that it’s repaired. When you angrily stomp your foot and demand a refund, I excommunicate you from the collective consciousness.
I’m a headless corpse attacking Nostradamus for spuriously claiming that I would die by fire.
Learn to prefer to spend the winter months outdoors.
I’m prevaricating to death.
Now I’m wearing colored contacts and acting tamed.
I am spilling out a box of Rice Krispies and searching thru it to find my proof of God, which I then bring to school for show-and-tell. After passing it around, I get it back, and now it smells funny.
I’m the Cobra Commander with a slit cut thru my opaque face-shield so that I can see the trick-or-treaters.
Even before immaculately conceiving Jesus, I’m giving birth to some weird thing that keeps squirming.
She’s betting that her Death Machine beats his Love Box.
I am a true punk rocker, drinking beer in my dorm room that stinks.
I used to be wild and immature and real daring and unpredictable, but now I’m thinking about grownup stuff. I quit drinking, and now I’m going to get married.
I’m like something that’s too hard and you have to cook it to soften it.
The holiday season is now permanently over.
I care about people and I like to be nice now.
Putting your God on trial before a jury of mortals; making him pay us child support.
I am good and I post good status updates.
I’ll give you something that you don’t want.
I’m toting my tote bag, zipping my knapsack, and wrapping up my raps in my blue-green backpack.
This statement is dedicated to my unborn demon.
My positive message is: Do what you’re told.
No comments:
Post a Comment