Chapter 5-b
Now the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) had staggered out like a zombie from the penteconter and onto the shoreline. He shuffled forth until he ran into the pillar from Luis Buñuel’s 1965 film Simon of the Desert. Being braindead, the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) began to climb this pillar; and he sat down at the top of it.
And there swam a newsboy out from the school of Sea People; and, in a shrill voice, this mer-lad kept repeating the word “Extra!” and waving a newspaper overhead, which had the latest report about the sanctum printed, above the fold, on its front page. And when he came to the Pillar of Douglas (Bryan’s Dad), lo, the robo-bellboy sat watching. And when the newsboy swam up closer to the top of the pillar, he waved the paper and continued advertising his wares. The mer-lad held the front page of his paper close to the face of Douglas (Bryan’s Dad), so that the dazed android could see its headline and image, which spoke of the dismemberment of Dagon’s statue while depicting its truncated remains.
Now the robo-bellboy’s circuit board had been fried, so it took him a moment to focus his ocular cameras upon the publication; but, once he did, he seemed to express surprise. Then the newsboy informed him that he had just come from the sanctum where the tragedy occurred: “And, behold,” he swore, “our Aqua-God’s idol is dead!”
Then it happened, as soon as the lad made mention of Dagon, that Douglas (Bryan’s Dad), as usual, mistook this as indicating Ichthys, and with a shout he commended his soul to his savior Jesus, then fell from off the pillar backward onto the earth, and his neck broke, and he died: for he was an old robot, and heavy.
And the android’s concubine, who was much like the mother of Brand from that play by Henrik Ibsen, was coincidentally with child, near to be delivered: and when she heard the tidings that her child’s father had experienced the second death in Hell after suffering from oceanic dementia, and moreover that he had spent his final hours on a pillar in the desert, she bowed herself and travailed; for her pains came upon her. And she expired while giving birth to a healthy newborn robo-bellboy, whose name was Nicholas. But he was christened by the midwife, because the mother had given up the ghost. And Nicholas the robo-bellboy was another of those children like Cain’s son Enoch, who was very likeable despite both of his parents being scoundrels: for all the good traits hurdled over that elder generation and landed in the younger.
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Now, in addition to fuming over the de·fish·ment of his holy effigy, the living god Dagon was still enraged by the fact that Yahweh’s image was in his Beth-el (his “deity hotel”); so, because he was not good with words, in which case he could have expressed his desires plainly to the Sea People via language, Dagon elected to influence his populace nonverbally by smiting them with emerods. His hope was that they would somehow intuit his wish, and act to solve the problem, without having to be told what to do.
(Emerods are like hemorrhoids for mer-persons.)
And when the Sea People saw that this was so, they said: “Our Oceanic Emperor is jealous: for Yahweh on his ark has been wooing the Empress Achamoth for many moments now. For this reason, what is left of Dagon’s hand is sore upon us. The idol of Yahweh therefore shall not abide here: Let us get rid of it.”
Thus, the Sea People gathered in their Maritime Infernal Council Chamber, which was in the sanctum of their penteconter, and they said: “What shall we do with the ark of the Volcano of the caravan?” And they answered: “Let the ark of the Volcano of the caravan be transferred to the Abyss.” And they carried it thither.
Once they had parked the ark on the lip of the Abyss, it happened that, instead of seeing an improvement in their condition, the affliction intensified: for thereafter Dagon smote the people of the sea, both small and great, with bonus emerods in their secret parts. (I wish I could relay to you Dagon’s reason for this ramping up of the torment, but, as I explained, the god barely speaks any words: he just goes “Om, om,” with his O-shaped minnow-mouth, and emits a bubbly grunt.)
Therefore they re-abandoned the Volcano’s ark in a Scandinavian furniture store. And it came to pass, as the ark of the Volcano with the holy image of Yahweh came through the doors, that the employees all cried out, saying: “They have brought the ark of the Volcano-god to our store, so as to burn up all our furniture with lava.”
So the management of the Scandinavian outlet called the Sea People on their aqua-phone, and said: “Come and take back this item of furniture that you have left here on consignment. We are not pawnbrokers; but even if we were, your ark would never sell at the stipulated price.” And the Sea People replied: “It is not our ark; it belongs to the caravansary. They are now a proper city in Eldorado. It’s called Eagan now, I think; it used to be Dublin. But the port is still Dublin Port: that’s where we are staying. Do not worry about the ark giving you trouble; it’s not the Volcano who is causing the deadly destruction throughout our city, but our god Dagon is a jealous husband, who believes in monogamy: and what’s left of his hand (for he got injured after an accidental run-in with the blades of Yahweh’s trolling motor), we say, what’s left of his hand is very heavy upon us right now. All of our people, both mermen and maids, have been smitten with the emerods: and the cry of our city has been going up to heaven; or, into the ocean, rather. So, if you will pardon our insistence, please either keep the ark in your store, or just try to move it yourselves. Thanks, and have a nice day.”
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