Chapter 6
Now the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance was in the Scandinavian furniture outlet seven whole months. It did not cause the deaths of any employees or flood the sales floor with magma. In fact, it brought the staff of the store good luck. Therefore, the management was considering making the ark a permanent fixture within the building; but then one day they received a call from the Sea People on their aqua-phone, and they said:
“Listen, the last time we spoke with you, we asked you to take care of the Volcano’s ark. We did not think that it mattered what you did with the item, as long as it did not remain in our possession. But, since then, our god Dagon will not relent: he is still afflicting us with this horrible condition: it’s like the bubonic plague, except exclusively in our tails. The crux is that our deity does not speak clearly enough for us to know just what he desires; so we’re conjecturing that he is still angry at our failing to return the ark to its owners. So, could we bother you to try to do that for us?”
And the management of the Scandinavian furniture outlet answered the Sea People, saying: “Well, we are sorry to hear about your medical problems, but the ark has brought well-being to us, here at the store; far from clogging our veins, it has actually helped to filter and fibre our blood. So we have grown to love this god Yahweh’s presence, and we are desirous of keeping his contraption: we’ve even been talking about making the ark a permanent fixture. I hate to drive a hard deal, but if you want us to give it up, now that we have experienced its blessing, you will have to offer us some compensation.”
And the Sea People sighed and said: “Fine. Our people are in no position to negotiate: your terms shall be accepted without question; therefore, please be fair. Now, tell us plainly, what shall be the cost of sending the Volcano’s ark back to its people? Name your price.”
The store’s management pondered for a moment, then replied: “If we send away the ark of the God of the Volcano, we should send it not empty; so, in addition to the amount that you pay to us, we would also like to include a gift to the caravan. That way, both the Volcano and our establishment shall be satisfied; and then, unless he’s an absolute psychopath, your god should heal you.”
And the Sea People said: “Yes, yes, fine. So, what is your price?”
Then the management answered: “How about we take a hint from that carol that you Ocean Folk always sing: your underwater version of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’: specifically, that line that says ‘My true love gave to me,’ on the fifth day of the festival: ‘FIVE GOLDEN EMERODS.’ And, of course, double that amount, because we’ll put five additional emerods in the ark, as a token of our appreciation.”
And the Sea People answered and said: “Ten golden emerods!? By the rood, you do drive a tough bargain. You harden your hearts like Pharaoh, from Ancient Egypt, when someone needs a favor: for you’re treating the ark in the same way that he treated the workforce who wanted to vacate. But, like we said, we are fish in a barrel, at present, and you’re the one holding the spear. We’ve no choice but to pay up. So we’ll send you ten golden emerods via sea-mail. You should have them by Friday. Now, listen closely – we must tell you the specific procedure to follow, when returning the ark; for we think that our god desires it to happen in a certain way.”
The management of the Scandinavian furniture outlet answered: “Alright, let me get a pen and pad, to take notes. . . . OK, now I’m ready: Go ahead.”
And the Sea People continued, saying: “First, you’ll need to make a new cart. Maybe dismantle one of the couches that you are currently using as a floor model, and repurpose the wood. Once the cart is finished, take two milch kine out of your breakroom, and tie the kine to the cart: then take the ark of the Volcano, and lay it upon the cart; and put the golden emerods, which you are including as a thank-you gift, inside the ark. You should see a coffer built into the side, on the ark’s interior: place them in there, so that they don’t rattle around too much. Then send it away, that it may go. Give it a kick, to start it off, but then let the kine wander whichever way they want. We believe that our aqua-god Dagon shall be invisibly guiding the milch kine, so you can trust them to know the proper course.”
Here the management of the Scandinavian furniture store interjected, saying: “You really just want us to let the cows roam where they like? Shouldn’t we steer them at all? What if they walk straight off a cliff?”
And the Sea People said: “The milch kine won’t walk off a cliff. There are only two paths that they can take: Dagon declares it. They will either go up by the way of the coast into Aton’s Sunhouse, which is before the Hairy One’s Temple; or they will head toward Pandemonium. Our sea-priests have informed us that the reason for our collective punishment, which we have been suffering, shall be determined by the route that the kine choose to take. For if they go to Aton’s Sunhouse, this will prove that it was our god Dagon who inflicted us with these emerods; whereas, if the milch kine go the other way, then it will indicate that the plague came purely by chance, and that the gods do not exist.”
Thus, the staff from the Scandinavian furniture outlet built a new coach, and they painted it gold; then they carefully positioned the ark on its bed, making sure that the idol of Yahweh would not topple; and then they took two milch kine out of their breakroom, and yoked them unto the golden coach. Lastly, they secured the bribe of emerods within the ark’s side-coffer. Then they gave the cart a kick.
And the kine took the straight road that goes to Aton’s Sunhouse: they went along the highway, lowing as they went, and they turned not aside to the right or to the left; and the Sea People had gathered and were watching from a distance, as the coach approached the driveway of Aton’s Sunhouse.
Now the parking attendants at the Sunhouse of Aton were sorting their vehicle keys in the lot: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the coach, and were puzzled, for it looked like the statue of Yahweh was piloting it.
And the coach came and stopped in the parking spot that was reserved for Aton’s High Priest. So the staff members of the Sunhouse came out and removed the Ark of Remembrance from the bed of the coach, and they lodged it in the Sunhouse. Then they went back and chopped up the golden coach, to use it as firewood; and they slaughtered the milch kine and grilled them on the altar. And they enjoyed a feast unto the Volcano.
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Then the High Priest himself drove in; and, when he saw the pile of wood blocking his reserved spot, he was angered; and he spoke to the attendant who was at his driver’s side door, as he handed him his keys, saying: “What is that, yonder? It seems that some scrap lumber is congesting the place that should be saved for my sedan. I don’t want you parking my vehicle with the others, lest it get scratched. Command somebody to remove that firewood, immediately.” But then his fury abated when he found the golden emerods within the Ark of Remembrance.
And the staff of the Sunhouse of Aton had a cookout, and they banqueted upon the kine that arrived with the coach. And the Sea People who had gathered and were watching these events from a distance noted the behavior of the milch kine, and the direction that they had carried the coach: thus they determined that it was their aqua-god Dagon who had orchestrated this catastrophe.
And the staff at the Sunhouse of Aton took the five golden emerods from the inner coffer of the Volcano’s ark, and they distributed them to be displayed at five key places in the vicinity: one is now in the Infernal Council Chamber; one is above the gates of Pandemonium; one is at the base of Mount Purgatory; one is on the lip of the Abyss; and the final emerod can be seen in the display window of the Scandinavian furniture outlet.
Also, on a side note, some disciples of the aqua-god came and buried the head and webbed hand-fins of Dagon’s broken image in the sandy part of the field under the great stone of Abel: which stone remains unto this day, just outside of the parking lot of the Sunhouse of Aton. Go check it out; it’s a tourist hotspot.
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