The Volcano’s Ark vs. Dagon’s Icon

Chapter 5-a

Now the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) had secretly followed the Ark of Remembrance, ever since it left the Temple of the Hairy One; therefore when it entered the sanctum of the Sea People’s penteconter, he snuck in after it, and hid in the gloom. There he beheld the idol of Dagon. And the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) was a big fan of Ichthys, which is a Greek word for “fish” (ΙΧΘΥΣ) that is also an acronym of the phrase “Jesus Christ God Son Savior.” And when he beheld the Sea People’s statue of Dagon, he thought immediately that this was the Holy Fish Man of his dreams. And his heart trembled for this Chosen One of God.

The robo-bellboy moreover understood that the volcano of potential had a prophecy against him, and that the Volcano had hung a voodoo curse on the air, which was intended to humiliate Douglas (Bryan’s Dad), then make the bellboy bite the dust. So he was understandably wary of the Volcano. One last detail to know about this robo-bellboy is that he thought all divine power resided in these symbols, icons, and relics: he forgot that all deities reside in the human breast.

So the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) hid himself in the sanctum of the Sea People’s penteconter, when the Ark of Remembrance with its image of Yahweh was hefted into their pantheon and positioned next to their celestial Queen Achamoth, opposite Dagon.

Now, as was mentioned, Dagon was fiercely monogamistic. So he was instantly infuriated by the proximity of Yahweh to his precious consort Achamoth. Add that to the fact that the robo-bellboy Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) mistook this Dagon for the aqua-godman Ichthys, his own personal deity, Jesus the Fish. Therefore this situation in the god room was bound to get ugly.

First, Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) the robo-bellboy prayed to Ichthys, saying “Dear Jesus, please overthrow this Old-Testament Volcano-god whose law you fulfilled and thereby abolished. Nullify his prophecy against me, so that it loses all its power.”

Then Dagon the chief deity of the Sea People arrived riding his porpoises amid a tornado of air bubbles, and saw the robo-bellboy holding his fleshhook, which reminded him of the Trident of Poseidon, so he assumed that this Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) was an ally of the aqua-folk. So he blessed him hard. Then he attempted to knock over Yahweh’s Ark of Remembrance, but, in the process, he slipped on some seaweed, and fell flat on his back, knocking his own statue down in the process. The robo-bellboy then tried to insufflate his fallen hero by placing his mouth over the god’s O-shaped buccal cavity, but Dagon’s gills filled the robo-bellboy’s lungs with frothy saltwater, which then splashed into his circuit boards, causing sparks to zap all round inside his person. This left Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) suffering from a severe form of underwater dementia: he forgot who he was, and where he had come from, and where he was going; so he left the sanctum and went wandering aimlessly onto the land outside.

Then when the Sea People arose early on the morrow, behold their Dagon relic was lying on the floor before the golden Ark of Yahweh. So they took Dagon, and set him up right again.

Then the next night passed in the same manner, with the aqua-deity visiting the sanctum and attempting to overthrow the effigy of the Volcano, but ending in a slapstick ordeal that left him decapitated and finless. Meanwhile, Douglas (Bryan’s Dad) the robo-bellboy who had become stupefied from deep-kissing Ichthys was meandering around outside, mentally deceased but still haltingly ambulant.

And when the Sea People arose early on the morrow, behold, the idol of Dagon was yet again collapsed before the golden Ark of Yahweh; and the head of Dagon and both of his webbed hands had been removed away from his shrimp-tail; so only the stump of Dagon remained, there on his pedestal, which was sculpted to resemble the standing water of a swamp.

Therefore, to this day, none of the Sea People ever depict their chief god as having a face, when they mass produce his idols; and they will never dare to shake his hand when they meet him. It is also, among the countries of that region, still considered the highest insult to be slapped with a fish by Yahweh.