[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 15 = 25; 16 = 26; 17 = 27; 18 = 28.]
15
A message from Yahweh, to those people from the caravan who live in Sweet Beulah Land and Eldorado:
“You shall serve the president of Wonderland seventy years. Then, when that time is passed, I will punish the president of Wonderland for going too far: and his country, in turn, will become enslaved by other nations. Because I utilize one nation to punish another, until that punishing nation crosses the line: then I punish the punisher with yet further nations of punishers, and so on and so forth. Thus, my karmic system of circulating punishment resembles a perpetual motion machine.”
Then the Volcano said unto me: “Jeremiah, take from my hand this wine cup of fury. Now I will send you to many nations, and you must cause them all to drink of it. And when they drink, they shall convulse, and act deranged.”
Then I took the cup of fury from Yahweh’s hand, and made all the nations drink it, namely: Israel, Egypt, Uz, Edom, Ammon, Tyre, Zidon, the Happy Isles, Dedan, Tema, Buz, Arabia, the wilderness, Zimri, Elam, Eldorado, Las Vegas, Scandinavia, Purgatory, Europe, Eden, Pandemonium, and Canada.
And Yahweh told me to shout the following announcement to all these places, as they drank from his wine cup of fury: “Thus saith God: Drink, and get drunk, and spew, and pass out!” The Lord Yahweh forced me to do these things.
16
At the beginning of southern President Front Rump’s term, the word of Yahweh came to Jeremiah, saying: “Stand directly in the entryway to the LORD’s house, and shout the following message at everyone, just in case anyone will listen and change their behavior. Say: ‘The Volcano hereby warns you that he will destroy this place and make the whole nation desolate.’”
Now all the self-styled spiritual leaders heard this announcement – all the priests and rabbis and pastors and yogis and gurus – and when Jeremiah stopped shouting it, they went up and told him: “You shall surely die. Why have you prophesied in the name of the Volcano that this place and its nation shall be destroyed and made desolate?” And all the leaders ganged up against Jeremiah in the Temple of the Hairy One.
Then Jeremiah answered all the spiritual leaders of the caravan, saying: “Yahweh God told me what to prophesy, and he instructed me not to change one single word. Therefore, amend your ways and your doings, and the LORD will repent him of the evil that he has pronounced against you. As for me, behold, I am in your power: Do with me whatever you desire. But know that if you put me to death, you will have innocent blood on your hands; for I have spoken the truth.”
Then the spiritual leaders of the caravan said to themselves: “On second thought, this man is not worthy to die: for he has only relayed to us the words of our god.” And one of them mentioned a fact from history, saying: “The respectable seer Micah prophesied in days past that Sweet Beulah Land shall be plowed like a field, and Eldorado shall become heaps. But did that era’s president and his select committee put Micah to death? No, they listened to Micah’s message, and they changed their evil ways. Maybe we should do the same for Jeremiah.”
But then another of the gurus brought up a bit of recent news, saying: “We all know that just a few days ago, the popular prophet Urijah railed against this city, and against the whole leadership of the caravan, with a tirade much like Jeremiah’s. And when President Front Rump and his regime heard Urijah’s speech, they sought to put him to death: but the prophet heard about their intention, so he fled and escaped into Egypt. So, President Front Rump sent paramilitaries into Egypt, and they fetched forth Urijah and brought him back, and the president slew him with the sword, and cast his corpse into the city dump. So far, no bad curse has fallen upon President Front Rump for executing Urijah. What’s stopping us from treating Jeremiah the same? I say we stone him.”
Thus did the spiritual leadership remain on the fence about whether to put Jeremiah to death.
17
In the beginning of President Front Rump’s term, the LORD God said to Jeremiah: “Make a yoke, and fasten it around your neck. Now go visit the leaders of all those nations where I recently sent you: the places that drank the wine cup of my wrath. Tell them: ‘Thus says the Volcano: “By my great power I created the earth, and humans, and beasts that creep on the ground. Now I have given all these things into the hand of President Ozymandias of Wonderland. All of you shall serve him, and his son, and his son’s son. And if any of you refuse to put your neck under the yoke of Wonderland, I will punish that nation with sword, with famine, and with pestilence, until I have utterly consumed it. So do not listen to your prophets, nor to your diviners, nor to your dreamers, nor to your enchanters, nor to your sorcerers, which speak pleasant words to you, saying: ‘Ye shall not serve the president of Wonderland.’ For they prophesy a lie.”’”
18
So President Zookeeper of the southern caravan received a visit from Jeremiah, who was wearing his yoke. And the prophet said: “Bring your necks under the yoke of the president of Wonderland. Serve him, and live. Otherwise, you will die by sword, famine, and pestilence. Do not listen to any prophets who tell you differently: God has not sent them; they utter deception.”
Then, when Jeremiah was done shouting, the prophet Hananiah from Cambridge stepped forward and answered Jeremiah to his face, in front of the president and all the moguls of the select committee; and Hananiah said: “Thus says the Heavenly Father of Jesus Christ: Behold, in two years, I will bring back all the spoils that have been taken, and I will bring back also all the captives of the southern caravan: I shall break the yoke of the president of Wonderland.”
Then the prophet Jeremiah answered the prophet Hananiah in the presence of all, and he said: “Amen! May Yahweh do so: I hope that he does truly bring back all the spoils and the captives! Nevertheless, hear now this word. The prophets that came before us prophesied many prophecies: of peace, and of war. A prophet shall be known as true if his word comes to pass: that is the proof that the LORD has sent him. So, if what Hananiah has spoken actually happens in two years, then we will know that he is the mouthpiece of God; but if events transpire as I say they shall, and the captives and spoils remain in Wonderland, then Hananiah here shall be exposed as a false lying prophet.”
Then Hananiah came over and took the yoke from off Jeremiah’s neck, and broke it. And Hananiah spoke in the presence of all the people, saying: “Thus says the Heavenly Father of Jesus Christ: Even so will I break the yoke of Ozymandias, president of Wonderland; I will remove it from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years.”
And the prophet Jeremaiah walked away.
Time passed, after this event. Then Jeremiah came back to Hananiah and said: “Thus says the Lord Yahweh: You have broken a yoke of wood, but I shall make for them yokes of iron. And I will put these iron yokes upon the neck of all the nations, to serve the president of Wonderland: and I have even given him the wild beasts.”
And Jeremiah recited a bonus prophecy directed straight at the prophet Hananiah, saying:
“Hear now, Hananiah. Yahweh God has not sent you; but you are luring this people to trust in a falsehood. Therefore, thus says Yahweh: Within a year, you shall surely die.”
So Hananiah the prophet died that same year, in the seventh month.
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