Prosaic Isaiah: selected oracles, pt. 2 of 3

[Note that from 1 to 11, my own section numbers correspond to the numbers of the chapters in the King James Bible; but after that, they differ as follows: 12 = 14; 13 = 19; 14 = 20; and 15 = 27.]

8

The Volcano said to me: “Get yourself a giant billboard, and write on it the following word in huge capital letters: DOOM IS COMING TO GET YOU. Then call up all the reliable news agencies, and tell them to film you holding this billboard in the direction of your northern counter-president and the king of Big Funland. At the same time, fornicate with the prophetess, and I will do the rest.”

So I followed Yahweh’s instructions, and the prophetess conceived and bore a son; then the Volcano said to me: “Name your baby ‘Doom-is-coming-to-get-you’; because, before this child is able to say ‘mom’ and ‘pop,’ the wealth of its capital city and the northern caravansary shall be obliterated from Big Funland.”

Now I will wait upon Yahweh, who hides his face from my siblings of the north. Lo, I and the children whom the Volcano has given me – the cyborg Emmanuel and this latest addition, my son Doom (as we call him for short) – are for signs and wonders in the caravan. They are the work of Yahweh who lives inside his mountain.

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9

The people that groped in darkness have seen a great light: they are now as joyful as farmers at harvest, or as soldiers amid war spoils, because you have removed their oppression and freed them from indentured servitude. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called “Wonderful, Counseller, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Caesar of Ceasefire.” His government shall never stop growing, and he shall finally establish a peacetime that lasts. He shall sit at the executive desk of President David, and lead the caravan wisely, with judgment and justice, now and forever. The zeal of the Volcano will perform this.

For the Volcano set up adversaries against the caravan, and they devoured its northern majority. Yet for all this, his anger is still unabated, because the people have not changed their awful actions; so Yahweh will cut them all off in a single day. All you yogis and gurus; you rabbis, pastors and priests: you mislead the people; you cause them to err: so I will destroy you. I will burn everything up with fire. You and your followers will be the fuel for the flames. Your part of the caravan I will annihilate with infighting; and I remain enraged!

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10

But once our deity has carried out his punishment from his hill, directing these nations to pulverize the caravan, he will then punish those punishers: he will overthrow Big Funland. Because you’re just a weapon, O leader of Big Funland; and the machinegun should not say to the mass-murderer who is wielding it: “Ha, look at me, I am the brains of this outfit; you who are pulling the trigger are just my useful idiot!” No, that’s why Yahweh will melt you down in his furnace, and turn you into a different tool, something that is more creative, a farm implement of some kind; for the Volcano favors peace and love, not war.

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11

The caravan is like an evergreen that our god chopped down, and the wayfarers that remain are like its stump. Now, from this stump that survived the felling of its tree shall shoot forth a new growth: a Branch shall develop out of its roots. This Branch shall be your Savior, your Redeemer; like an all-new Moses; and the spirit of Yahweh shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Volcano. He shall be of quick understanding; and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: but with righteousness shall he rescue the poor out of poverty; and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked.

And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins. The wolf shall dwell in peace with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the goat; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand over the cockatrice’ den.

No one shall hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Volcano, as the waters cover the sea.

And in that day there shall be a root from the caravan, which shall stand for an ensign of the people; to it shall the nations seek: and his rest shall be glorious. And the Volcano will bring back all his wayfarers into harmony with the rest of the world, and all nations shall be at peace, from the four corners of the earth. No more infighting anywhere. But they shall ride upon the tails of the Sea People, and shall fly to Eurasia and to the sticks of the wilderness; and they shall become one flesh with the Persian Fire-Worshippers.

Then the Volcano shall perform his signature move, and he shall wave his brazen serpent staff Nehushtan over the surface of the Red Ocean, to divvy the waters with his Wind Wand: and he shall smite the ocean mightily, so that it splits into seven streams, and bring the people over dry-shod.

Thus, there shall be a highway for the remnant of the caravan, when they make their exodus from Big Funland: it will be just like it was in Egypt, when the workforce escaped.

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12

The Volcano will have mercy on his wayfarers, and will yet rebuild the caravan, and set them back on the land, and lead them around: and the strangers in the surrounding nations shall be joined with them, as they mix and mingle, and they shall cleave to the caravan.

And they shall all live harmoniously as equals: no more masters, no more slaves.

In that day, when the Volcano overturns your oppression, and gives you rest from all the labor that you were forced to perform, ill-paid and unpaid; as he obliterates all your former bosses and employers, and all your overseers and taskmasters, then you shall sing the following song about the Empire:

O you powerful ones who rule the world from your secret places, the Volcano has broken your scepter.

How are you fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how are you cut down to the ground, who did weaken the nations! For you have said in your heart: “I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the apex of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the Most High.”

Yet you shall be brought down to Sheol, to the depths of the grave. Whoever sees you shall narrowly look upon you, and wonder at you, saying: “Is this the man who made the earth to tremble, who shook up kingdoms; who made the world into a wilderness, and destroyed the cities thereof; who refused to free those he had imprisoned?”

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13

Also, here is the future of Egypt, in case anyone is curious:

Everyone will be afraid in Egypt, because of their oppressors, so they will cry unto the Volcano, and he shall send them a savior, an elohim, who shall deliver them. And the Volcano shall be known to Egypt, and the Egyptians shall know the Volcano in that day. Thus, after smiting Egypt, the Volcano shall heal it: and her people shall return to the Volcano. In that day, there shall be a highway out of Egypt into Big Funland, and the Big Funlanders shall go in and out of Egypt, and the Egyptians shall go in and out of Big Funland. And the caravan shall form a Trinity with Egypt and Big Funland; and they shall be a blessing on this planet.

So that’s the fate of Egypt, in case anyone is interested.

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14

In the year 711 BC, the god Yahweh spoke to Isaiah, saying: “Remove your clothing and your shoes; let us walk through the wealthy town of Edina, in Minnesota.”

And Isaiah did so, walking naked and barefoot with God; and Yahweh went along beside him, announcing to all as they passed by: “Just like my friend Isaiah here has walked naked and barefoot among you for three years now as a sign and wonder, so shall the monarch of Big Funland lead you people away as captives and prisoners: young and old, naked and barefoot, with your buttocks uncovered. All you rich folks who live here in Edina will feel ashamed to be seen like this.”

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15

Once upon a future, the Lord Yahweh with his great and glittering sword shall punish Leviathan the piercing serpent, even Leviathan that crooked serpent; and he shall slay the dragon that is in the sea.

Prosaic Isaiah (pt. 1 of 3)

Intro Note

What follows is the plain prose vision of Isaiah, which he saw concerning the wayfarers of the caravan in the days of four southern presidents: (1) President Wrong Loser; (2) his son President Jackanapes; (3) Jackanapes’ successor, the rotting shellfish that got elected; also (4) President Super Yahweh, the offspring of the rotting shellfish. Again, all four were presidents of the southern caravan.

Now here’s what Isaiah said:

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1

The Volcano has spoken, saying: I reared up you wayfarers of the caravan like my children, but you went bad. You therefore got dragged away from Eldorado; you were taken captive by Wonderland. You would have been totally obliterated, if I had not deigned to leave a few survivors.

Now listen to what I do NOT desire from you. I do NOT desire any more sacrifices: no more grilling beasts for me; forget that. I do NOT desire any more offerings, any more burning of incense; STOP attending solemn assemblies, I hate your church services: STOP! Your holidays make me sick. Desist from observing them. STOP praying to me with your bloody hands folded. Instead of praying to me, just stop committing crimes; I do NOT desire your whispered words: I desire right action.

If you turn from your awful lifestyle of selfish profiteering, I will dismiss your enemies: I desire to help you grow better; I will burn away your impurities. If you change the way you behave, and begin to act with compassion, lovingkindness and friendship toward all people, all nations, everything that lives, then I will save you. Otherwise, I will destroy you.

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2

[Here is another thing that Isaiah said; it concerns the southern part of the caravan.]

Someday soon, people will look up at the Temple of the Hairy One with happiness, and they will go inside peacefully and socialize.

But, ah, your country grew rich and acted with hubris. You arrogant fools. I will cut down all you magnates like tall trees. Overconfident businesspeople.

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3

I will scramble your social structure and cause everything to be unpleasant.

You wayfarers who lived in Sweet Beulah Land and Eldorado got the rug pulled out from beneath you, because your leaders were a bunch of smug criminals: those self-styled yogis and gurus and select committees, and all the pastors and rabbis and priests and clerics and officers of every kind. I despise authority! You rob my people. You step on the faces of the poor.

You creditors among the caravan are like one great big whore. And I will ravage all your fineries. Say goodbye to your abundance.

Bad events are coming your way.

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4

Once all the criminality has been eliminated, then I will make everything good again. It will be like old times, when we lived in tents together, and my tabernacle was at the center of the caravan. I will visit you in my vortex, whose aperture spews plumes of fire and thick black smoke.

You can enter my tabernacle to take shelter from the rain.

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5

Let me sing about my vineyard.

I planted a shining vineyard on a hill. I put a lot of work into it. But it yielded bad fruit: wild grapes.

You tell me: Considering all the care that I invested in planting my vineyard, why did it disappoint me in its yield? I desired fine wine.

Because it angered me, I will neglect my vineyard. It will become overgrown with briars and thorns. I will tell the clouds: Do not rain on my vineyard.

It is obvious, right? The vineyard is the caravan. I desired Elysium; you gave me dystopia.

All you money addicts, you really make me mad. Have you ever seen what fire does to stubble? That is what I plan to do to you.

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6

In the year that President Wrong Loser died, I saw the god Yahweh sitting at his executive desk, on the elevated stage of the fire lake within the Furnace of Potential, and the lengthy banner trailing from the back of his silk cream dress filled the entirety.

Above him stood the seraphims. Each had six wings: two accented her bosom, two covered her panty-zone, and with two she did fly.

And one seraphim cried unto another, and said: “Holy, holy, holy, is Yahweh Peor: the entire earth is full of his glory.”

And the ground shook at the voice of her that cried, and the place was filled with smoke.

Then I said: “Ods fut! I am surely damned; for I am a foulmouthed man from a foulmouthed cult, and now mine eyes have seen the volcano of potential.”

Then one of the seraphims glided over to me, holding a live coal in her hand, which she had taken with the tongs from the altar-grill: and she laid it upon my mouth, and it burned. Then she touched her lips to mine, and I was refreshed. And she said: “You are pure now.”

Also, I heard the voice of the Volcano, saying: “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?” Then I answered: “Here am I; send me.” And he said: “Go, and tell this people, ‘Hear without understanding, and see without perceiving.’ Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and then save themselves by changing the way they behave!”

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7

And it came to pass in the days when a Rotting Shellfish was the southern prez, that the king of Funland joined with President Sexact of the northern caravan to come down and attack Eldorado, but they could not prevail. This was how the south learned that the northern part of the caravan was allied with Funland. The southern people were terrified by this development.

Then the Volcano said to Isaiah: “Go and talk to that rotting shellfish who is your southern president. Meet him at the end of the conduit of the upper pool in the highway of the fuller’s field. Do you know where I mean? I chose this place because the air circulates well there – I don’t want you to get nauseated by his stench. And bring your son along with you.”

“Which son?” Isaiah asked. “Shall I bring John, or Dave, or Ben, or Jim, or Ken—”

The Volcano interrupted: “Bring that son of yours whose name is Shear-jashub.”

“OK,” Isaiah wrote this down in his pocket notebook: “so you want me to take my son Shear-jashub along with me to meet our president the rotting shellfish at the end of the conduit of the upper pool in the highway of the fuller’s field. Got it. Anything else? Or is that all? Do you have something specific in mind that you would like me to prophesy?”

Yahweh said: “Yes, say unto him: ‘Take heed, and be quiet; fear not, neither be fainthearted for the two tails of these smoking firebrands, the leader of Funland and President Sexact. Their plans to conquer you will not succeed.’ Tell him that.”

§

So Isaiah met with southern President Rotting Shellfish, and he told him all the words of the Volcano. Then the prophet said unto the president: “To assure you that this prophecy will come true, ask our god to give you a sign. He is willing to do anything to prove himself; so pick some strange marvel that you’d like to see happen, and he will perform it, anywhere from the depths of hell to the heights of heaven. Go ahead: choose a sign.”

But the rotting shellfish who was president of the south replied, saying: “No, I will not ask for a sign. I would rather not test the LORD my God.”

Then the prophet Isaish said: “Listen, the Volcano is not helpless and incompetent like you – he can do anything. So, ask for a sign. Do it, now. Ask him. He’s listening. He’ll perform it with his own freewill. Come on, what sign would you like to see?”

But President Rotting Shellfish was too scared to speak. So Isaiah said:

“Fine, if you won’t choose a sign, the Volcano will. Here’s the sign that you will see happen, to prove that Yahweh’s prophecy will come true (I refer to the prediction that I just relayed, about Sexact and Funland failing in their attempt to vanquish you): Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. Now, not only will this maid be abstinent from and devoid of all carnal knowledge, but the child that she shall bring forth will be a cyborg manservant: both robotic and divine. Yet the mother herself will be fully mortal and human. So how will this happen? Nobody knows: it is mindboggling. That’s why it makes a good sign. (This is, in fact, one of those instances where the sign is more astonishing than the prophecy that it vouches for.) So the virgin will bear from her womb an electric demigod, whose diet shall consist of butter and honey. And before the child shall know how to stop embracing evil and turn instead toward the good, both of those leaders that you fear, the leader of Funland and your northern Counter-President Sexact, shall fall out of power. Look: their countries will be turned into desolate wastelands.”

The caravan is utterly vanquished (THE END)

Chapter 23-B

Then Pharaoh Sunbeam of Egypt went to battle the nameless new king of Big Funland: and President Josiah entered the battle and fought against Egypt, for the sake of his siblings from the northern caravan, which were captives in Big Funland; and Pharaoh Sunbeam slew Josiah. So, his staffers carried President Josiah’s cadaver back in a rickshaw from Megiddo, the mountain where he met death. And they embalmed Josiah, and placed him in an ornate sarcophagus that was embellished, inside and out, with astrological arcana. And the populace elected his son, whose name was Jehovah’s Second Ass, to be their new president.

So they had a great ceremony where they anointed Jehovah’s Second Ass; and he was twenty-three years old when he began to govern.

And the first thing that happened was that the Egyptian pharaoh who had slain Josiah now came and tied up his son, Jehovah’s Second Ass, and tossed him into a jail pit in Big Funland, to impede his ability to govern Eldorado. Pharaoh Sunbeam also levied a tax on the caravan. Then the pharaoh elected Josiah’s other son, whose name was God-rump, to be president in place of his father, despite the fact that Jehovah’s Second Ass, though imprisoned, was still technically president. And after singlehandedly earning the popular vote in a landslide to elect this new prez over the existing prez, Sunbeam changed the president’s name from God-rump to Jah-rump. I wish I were kidding.

Then, after thinking about it, Pharaoh Sunbeam decided that it would be better if the rival president were dead, so that the pharaoh’s personal choice, President Jah-rump, could be the unequivocal leader. Therefore, the pharaoh of Egypt slew Jehovah’s Second Ass.

And President Jah-rump repeatedly raised taxes on the caravan’s populace, to give Pharaoh Sunbeam all the money that he asked for.

Jah-rump was twenty-five years old when the pharaoh elected him president; and he governed eleven years in Eldorado.

Chapter 24

President Ozymandias of Wonderland then made a vassal of Jah-rump. But after three years of vassalage, Jah-rump turned and rebelled. However, the moment Jah-rump declared sovereignty for his caravan, he was attacked by Chaldees, Funlanders, wild prophets from the woods, Persian Fire-Worshippers, and Canadians. All these nations came and destroyed the southern remainder of the caravansary.

Then President Jah-rump kicked the bucket: and his son Jehovah-booty got elected in his stead.

Now Egypt was no longer a problem for the caravan, because Wonderland had come and dominated everything. Meet the new boss.

§

President Jehovah-booty was eighteen years old when his term began, and he governed in Eldorado for a whopping three months.

At that moment, Ozymandias of Wonderland besieged the caravansary. And President Jehovah-booty surrendered: he came out of his office waving a white flag (which means “I give up”), followed by his mother and all the members of his staff. Thus, the caravan became a possession of Wonderland.

Ozymandias carried out all the treasures of the House of the LORD, and the treasures of the presidential residence, and stripped all the gold away from the interior of the Temple of Solomon. He also exiled all the people who still dwelt in Eldorado: all the princes, and all the mighty men of valor, all the craftsmen and smiths; even ten thousand captives. None remained but the poorest sort of people. And he carried away Jehovah-booty to Wonderland, along with the president’s mother, and his wives, and his officers, and the soldiers: all these he carried captive out of Eldorado into Wonderland.

And Ozymandias democratically elected a new president to replace Jehovah-booty: it was Jehovah-booty’s uncle, whose name was Madhouse Manager; but Ozymandias changed his name to Zookeeper.

President Zookeeper was twenty-one years old when he began to govern, and his term lasted eleven years in Eldorado.

Chapter 25

But President Zookeeper rebelled against Ozymandias of Wonderland; therefore, in the ninth year of Zookeeper’s term, Ozymandias came and built forts all around Eldorado; and the country was besieged for two years. So, of course, a famine prevailed in the caravan; there was no food for anyone.

Then the great wall around the country was breached. All the soldiers that had remained defending the caravan now abandoned it: they escaped through the garden of the presidential residence. And President Zookeeper himself tried to flee in the direction of the Great Basin; but the shock-troops of Wonderland caught him at the edge of the jungle. They then took the president to a courthouse and put him on trial: but instead of bringing in witnesses to testify against him, they brought his own children before him, and slew them. Then they put out his eyes, and bound him with brass fetters, and dragged him to Wonderland. (This is the last we will ever hear of President Zookeeper.)

§

On the seventh day of the fifth month of the nineteenth year of Ozymandias’s reign, the shock-troops of Wonderland ravaged the caravan. They burnt the Temple of the Hairy One, and the presidential residence, and all the tents of the common folk, and every important person’s house got burnt with fire. And the foreign army broke down the walls that surrounded Sweet Beulah Land. And any pilgrims of the caravan who remained in Eldorado were carried away. But the guard commander left the poorest people in the land, to dress it and to keep it.

Now the Temple of Solomon had already been ransacked and stripped for its gold, but the shock troops dislodged and stole the brass Pillars of Justice, and the bases, and the brazen sea, and they chopped away anything made of brass, and brought it to Wonderland. The pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, and all the vessels of brass, they confiscated.

Also, anything that remained of gold, or of silver, such as the firepans and the bowls, the guard commander kept for himself.

(Regarding the two huge pillars and the sea of brass mentioned above, which they looted from Solomon’s Temple: those items were so heavy, it would be impossible to weigh them; likewise, no one could calculate their worth. I wonder where they are today.)

§

And the master guard took Man the robo-butler and Nicholas the robo-bellboy, and all the copies and versions of these machines that had been mass produced, and he brought them unto the president of Wonderland, to see what he would say. And President Ozymandias slew them.

Thus was the southern remainder of the caravansary’s populace carried away from Eldorado: now the whole caravan was exiled.

And as for the extremely poor people who remained in the land, whom Ozymandias did not bother to scrape up, they were governed by a pseudo-president named True Yahweh, an archon-for-hire. Then, when all the dregs who were left behind saw that there was something like a new prez or overseer half-governing them, they scrambled up to him and asked questions. And True Yahweh answered, saying: “Fear not. Stay in the country: if you serve Wonderland, it shall be well with you.”

Then it came to pass that one of the impoverished southerners remaining in Eldorado who believed that he was of the royal bloodline assassinated True Yahweh the pseudo-president. So all the rest of the poor folk who were left in the land ran off to Egypt, for they were afraid of the Wonderlanders.

Now recall that President Jehovah-booty had been taken captive when Ozymandias deposed him. Jehovah-booty then spent thirty-seven years in Wonderland Maximum Security Prison. But, at that point, Ozymandias dropped dead; and the leadership of Wonderland was taken over by his son, whose Christian name was Evil Murdock. Once he became president, Evil Murdock pardoned Jehovah-booty and set him free him from prison. For whatever reason, Evil Murdock spoke kindly to the ex-president of the southern caravan, and he appointed Jehovah-booty to be the second highest officeholder in Wonderland. (So it was just like when Joseph in Egypt became the Vice Pharoah and enslaved everyone.) Jehovah-booty exchanged his prison garments for an executive V.P. suit; and he was fed regular meals for the rest of his life.

—END OF SCROLL—

The next few southern prezzez: reforms & fate — then, a found book sparks nationwide refurbishment

Chapter 21

President Ichthys the Prince of Peace was twelve years old when he began his term, and he governed for fifty-five years in Eldorado.

He reared up altars for the LORD, and made a grove; and worshipped all the host of heaven with a pure heart, and served them faithfully.

And he baptized his disciples with fire, and he consulted a star chart, and practiced divination, and used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards.

And he set in the Temple the golden image of the LORD that the caravan’s ancient King Bryan had made, of which the LORD said, “In Eldorado will I make my mark.” He also built altars for all the host of heaven in the two courts of the house of the LORD.

And the LORD spoke by his servants the prophets, saying: “I will wipe the caravan as a man wipes a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down. I will make it clean.”

Now the rest of the acts of Ichthys the Prince of Peace, and all that he did, and his righteous works and excellent judgments, are they not written in that lost book The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents? Try again – see if you can find it.

Then Ichthys slept with his father, literally: for he was buried in the same plot alongside Super Yahweh and his firearm in their home garden. And his sons the Twin Golden Bull Calves were elected joint-presidents in his stead.

§

The Twin Golden Bull Calves were twenty-two years old when they began to govern, and their term lasted just two years in Eldorado. For all the cowboys and ranch hands of the caravan met with the cattle workers and the heifer manager, and they conspired against the joint presidents, and castrated the Bull Calves in the barn, thus making them Twin Golden Steers: then they sold them to Wonderland.

So it was just as the LORD predicted, when he spoke through Isaiah the prophet unto President Super Yahweh, saying: “Your grandsons shall become eunuchs in the castle of the king.” And thereafter they were slaughtered.

Now the voting public of the caravan, seeing that its presidents had been castrated and sold for meat, elected in their stead a lad named Josiah, the son of the Golden Calves. (The bovines begat him prior to the conspiracy that brought their demise.)

Now the rest of the biographical details about the Twin Golden Steers is written in that lost book The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents. There you will find the rest of their story, under the heading “How the Twin Bull Calves of President Ichthys Ended Up as Golden Beef-Shakes.” That scripture preserves the story of how the prophet of Wonderland took the ex-presidents, and burned them in the fire, and ground them to powder, and mixed them with water, and then served them to the other idols as dessert.

Chapter 22

President Josiah was eight years old when he got elected, and governed for thirty-one years in Eldorado.

And it came to pass in the eighteenth year of his term, that President Josiah sent Sharpie the Scribe on a mission, saying: “Go to the Temple of the Hairy One. At the entryway, you will meet Nicholas the robo-bellboy. Ask him to fetch for you all the caesar coins out of the treasury. Explain to him that we need this money to recompense our laborers. For it turns out that, over all these years, we have been underpaying the caravansary’s workforce.”

Then the robo-bellboy Nicholas came back and told Sharpie the Scribe: “Look, Sharpie, I have found the Private Diary of Moses in the library of the Volcano, among the ever-burning books.” And Nicholas the robo-bellboy gave the book to Sharpie the Scribe, and he read it.

Then Sharpie the Scribe returned to the president and said: “We got the money and redistributed it, as you instructed. But, also, look at this book that Nicholas the robo-bellboy stumbled upon.” And Sharpie read it aloud to the president.

Now it came to pass, as President Josiah heard the words of Moses’ diary (which was ghostwritten by King Bryan), that he underwent an epiphany. Thus, Josiah became a proselyte of the volcano of potential.

Then the president commanded the robo-bellboy Nicholas and Sharpie the Scribe, saying: “Go find the ephod that this scripture mentions, and inquire of Yahweh for me, and for the people of the caravan, concerning the best way to proceed, since we have chanced upon this assemblage of outlandishness.”

So Nicholas the robo-bellboy and Sharpie the Scribe went unto Huldah the prophetess, who taught at Eldorado College and was the keeper of the wardrobe (thus she had access to the ephod), and they communed with her.

And Huldah the prophetess said unto them: “Thus saith the Volcano, the Captain of the Caravan: Tell the man that sent you to me: Hear the Word of the Volcano: Behold, I was intending to forsake this place, as its people have forsaken me; but, because you read that book of ours with such a tender heart, I have changed my mind: I will bless you.”

Then Hulda the prophetess went and fetched the ephod from the wardrobe, and Nicholas the robo-bellboy inquired of the Urim, asking as follows: “Is this oracle that Hulda has spoken truly from you, O volcano of potential; and do you stand by all these words that she has said?”

And the Urim answered: “Most likely.”

Then they brought this good news back to the president.

Chapter 23-A

So, President Josiah summoned the entire caravan to a meeting at the Temple of the Hairy One. And all the southern wayfarers who remained in Eldorado, after the northerners got taken captive in Big Funland, gathered before the president. And he read in their ears all the words of the several scrolls of this book of books: even the one that you are holding in your hands right now, O gentle reader; including this present passage. From cover to cover, he read the whole thing.

Standing between the Pillars of Justice, the president then briefly gave an impromptu speech about the volcano of potential. And all the people stood there wondering.

Then the president commanded the robo-bellboy Nicholas, the keeper of the door, and Sharpie the Scribe, to bring forth out of the Temple of the Hairy One all the vessels that were made for the LORD, and for the grove, and for all the host of heaven: and he caused them to be displayed throughout Eldorado, and in the fields of God Camp, near the Potomac River. Later also he carried some up to the God House (Beth-el) in the Parisian Mountains.

And he instructed the robo-attendants who had been trained by the android Man (the mechanical offspring of the robo-butler Satyajit, artificial firstborn of eternal King Bryan) to squirt perfume in all the high places of Sweet Beulah Land, and in the hills round about Eldorado. They also splashed cologne upon the relics to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven.

And he rededicated Topheth, which is in the Furnace of Potential, and got the prayers of the fire lake circulating again unto the Volcano, so there was no more backlog.

And he petted and polished the Solar Horses that were installed over the entryway of the House of the LORD, and also the ones above the chamber of Aton, which was in the suburbs. And he reignited their chariots of fire.

Moreover, the Yeshua figurines in Eldorado, which were on the right and left hand of Ashtoreth on Mount Olivet, Josiah restored and repainted. And he did the same for the ones flanking Chemosh and Milcom.

And the president instructed the entire populace, saying, “Keep the annual piñata ritual on the Ides of March, the first month of the new year, as it is written in this book: to preserve the memory of the time when the Volcano went lurking in person through the Empire at night, and severed the head from each of the firstborn children of the Creditor Class that had indebted the workforce.”

Surely there was not performed a more exultant piñata ritual, from the days of the elohims that visited the caravan to all the days of the presidents of the north or of the south. This unparallelled celebration was held in the eighteenth year of Josiah’s presidency.

Furthermore, the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the artworks that were exhibited in the land of Eldorado, Josiah helped to publicize, so that they might gain more attention, in accordance with the words of that strange book that Nicholas the robo-bellboy found in the Temple of the Hairy One.

Yes, there was no other president like Josiah, who converted so rapidly with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, to what he perceived as the Volcano’s philosophy. No one existed, either before or after him, who was quite as fanatical.

The prophet Isaiah’s interactions with the caravan’s president

Chapter 19

After attending that speech from Big Funland’s ambassador, President Super Yahweh tore his costume to signify despair. Then he went into the Temple, and sought the prophet Isaiah. When he found him, he said:

“This day is a day of trouble and despair. I hope that the LORD your God will hear the words that the ambassador from Big Funland spoke to us. I found his speech blasphemous. Will you please pray for the surviving remnant of the caravan?”

And Isaiah said: “Thus saith the LORD: Fear not the words which you have heard spoken by the servant of Big Funland. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and put a spirit inside him that will delude him, so that he shall believe he is hearing a rumor; then he shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall face first into a sword.”

§

In the meantime, the ambassador heard that Big Funland had just invaded Uzbekistan, and that Silent Moonman needed all his ambassadors to come help him; but when they arrived there, they were told that their leader was out warring against Los Angeles. This turned out to be the truth. And then Ethiopia joined the battle. So Silent Moonman the leader of Big Funland had a lot on his plate; and it would take a while longer before he could get enough room in his schedule to finish conquering Eldorado. But, for the time being, just to assure his rival that he had not forgotten his threatening promise, Big Funland’s leader Silent Moonman wrote to the southern president as follows:

“What I said before, I say again. Watch your step: for the LORD God is on my side, not yours.”

Now President Super Yahweh received this letter from the leader of Big Funland, and he read it. Then President Super Yahweh went up into the Temple, and spread the letter like a map before the prophet Isaiah. And Super Yahweh pointed at the letter with his finger, and pressed it repeatedly while saying to Isaiah: “O LORD God, you who dwell between the cherubims, please bow down your ear, and hear: open your eyes, and see: and read these words written by this foreign leader who hates you. His name is Moonman. Save us from him!”

Then Isaiah read the letter that President Super Yahweh had spread out before him, and he replied, saying: “Thus says the LORD God Almighty: I have heard your prayer, and I have read the words of this Moonman. Now here is the word of the LORD concerning the matter:

“The caravan is a fair virgin who mocks you, O foreign king;

“The daughter of Eldorado shakes her head at you.

“Whom have you reproached and blasphemed? and against whom have you raised your voice?

“By your ambassadors you have reproached the LORD, saying: ‘With the multitude of my chariots I can drive to the top of all the mountains, and to the edges of the earth, and I will cut down the tall cedar trees, and the choice fir trees: and I will run through the forest, and have no fear of its creatures.’

“Have you not heard how I, the LORD, am the one who created the world, long ago? In ancient times, I formed it. For many eons now, I have been laying waste fenced cities into ruinous heaps. That is something I do often.

“To me, all earthly inhabitants look like small things. They look dismayed and confounded. They are like green herbs blasted by winds before they are grown.

“So, I know where you live. I know your going out, and your coming in. I know your rage against me.

“You are frustrated that my power is so much bigger than yours. Now, because your tumult has come up into my ears, I will put my hook in your nose, and my bridle between your jaws, and I will yank you around and send you back the way you came.”

§

Then it happened that Isaiah’s LORD went out, and smote 185,000 people in the camp of Big Funland. And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.

So, the forces of Big Funland departed, and they retreated to one of the countries that did not have a mean god.

And in the future, it came to pass, after that same ambassador who had delivered the speech earlier returned to Big Funland, that he joined up with his colleagues, and they all went walking down a footpath, yet none of them knew that there was a pitfall ahead, and they all went directly into the trap, and they ended up falling face first into a series of swords.

Chapter 20

Now eventually President Super Yahweh became gravely ill, for he developed a large cancerous tumor. And the prophet Isaiah came to him and said: “Thus saith the LORD: Set your house in order; for you shall die, and not live.”

Then President Super Yahweh turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the LORD, saying: “I beseech you, O LORD, remember how I did everything right, and how I always acted well, and how my heart was perfect.” And Super Yahweh wept profusely.

Then Isaiah left the room. But before he had even made it down the hallway, the word of the LORD came to him, so he went back and said to the president: “Thus saith the LORD: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears: behold, I will heal you: on the third day you will straightway become well. And I will give you an extra fifteen years of life.”

Then Isaiah said: “Take a lump of figs.” And they took and laid it on the tumor, and he recovered.

Now President Super Yahweh said unto Isaiah: “What shall be the sign that the LORD will heal me?”

And Isaiah said: “You’re already healed. We just shrunk your tumor: the cancer is gone. You are no longer dying. For what reason could you possibly need a sign?”

And President Super Yahweh answered and said: “Is it not customary for the LORD to give a sign before he performs a miracle?”

Then Isaiah said: “Yes, before the miracle. This is now after.”

And President Super Yahweh’s face looked woebegone. So Isaiah said: “Here is the sign that you shall have of the LORD. Would you like the shadow on the sundial to go forward by ten minutes, or move ten minutes back?”

Then President Super Yahweh answered: “It’s easy to make the sundial go forth ten minutes: that happens every ten minutes. So I say: Let the sign be that the flow of time shall reverse and sweep us backward into the past.”

So Isaiah the prophet cried unto the LORD: and he dragged the shadow ten minutes in reverse. And there was lightning and fire for a spell; then the prophet and the president saw their own selves from ten minutes ago standing before them in the room and discussing what the sign for the miracle should be.

§

At that time, the king of Wonderland sent a barbershop quartet as a singing telegram to President Super Yahweh, to cheer him up, for he had heard that he was sick. And the president was so appreciative of the four-part harmony that he took the singers into his treasure room, and showed them all his precious things: his silver, his gold, and his spices, and ointments, and armor. There was nothing in his treasure room that he did not show them.

Then, after the quartet returned to Wonderland, Isaiah the prophet said unto President Super Yahweh: “What were those men doing here? Where did they come from?” And the president answered: “They came from a country far away, even from Wonderland. The king sent them here to sing me a song, to give me good cheer, because he heard that I was near death.”

Then Isaiah said: “What have they seen of your riches? I noticed that you all came out from your treasure room.”

And the president answered: “Whatsoever there is to be seen, they saw. I showed them everything. – Why; was I not supposed to?”

Now Isaiah said unto the president: “Hear the word of the LORD. Behold, the day shall come when all that is in your house, and every luxurious item inside your treasure room, shall be carried into Wonderland: nothing shall be left. And they will take your grandsons from you: and they shall become eunuchs in the castle of the king of Wonderland.”

Then President Super Yahweh said unto Isaiah: “This word of the LORD is good. For I doubt that the Wonderlanders will be coming very soon, so I shall still have time to enjoy my possessions. I do not have long to live anyway; and, as they say about physical wealth: ‘You cannot take it with you.’ Furthermore, I admit, at the risk of sounding callous, that although I recoil from the thought of my grandsons being made into eunuchs, it is hard not to be relieved that at least the same fate will not happen to me.”

Now the rest of the acts of Super Yahweh, and all his might, and how he made a pool, and a conduit, and brought water into the city, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?

Then President Super Yahweh died of a self-inflicted gun wound: and his only son Ichthys the Prince of Peace got elected in his stead.

The southern caravan finds its ideal leader. But the tragedy continues.

Chapter 18

Now it came to pass, when the Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal had served as president for three years, that Super Yahweh the son of President Rotting Shellfish was elected to govern the caravan’s southern remainder.

Super Yahweh was twenty-five years old when he burst forth from the womb of the Rotting Shellfish and seized the reins of the caravansary. He chose to use for his presidential residence David’s Black Lodge in Eldorado. And he was the darling of the yogis and gurus.

Super Yahweh renovated the high places, and touched up the images, and trimmed the groves. He also polished the brazen serpent-wand that Moses had made. (Nehushtan, as it was called, was created to heal wayfarers bitten by snakes. Also known as Aton’s Rod. Compare it to the Rod of God belonging to Hermes, the caduceus: a staff with two winged snakes entwined around it. Also recall the medical symbol, the Rod of Asclepius: a staff enspiralled by a single serpent.)

President Super Yahweh trusted in the volcano of potential; so that after him was none like him among all the presidents of the southern caravan, nor any that were before him. In short, Super Yahweh was the best.

And the Volcano was with him; and he prospered whithersoever he went forth. President Super Yahweh rebelled against Big Funland, and he spurned their invitations to come and serve them.

He danced with the Sea People, even unto their Aquatic Council Chamber, and the borders thereof, from all the listen-towers at sea level to their underwater city.

§

It was in the fourth year of President Super Yahweh, which was the seventh year of that Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal who governed the north from his prison cell, that Big Funland came up against the northern caravan, and besieged it. And at the end of three years, it was captured: the caravan’s northern capital in Persia was taken.

Then, a decade later, in the fourteenth year of President Super Yahweh, the remaining parts of the caravan got taken captive as well: Silent Moonman, the new king of Big Funland, came out and conquered all the southern cities: now the whole caravan was lost.

So Super Yahweh the southern president sent a letter to Silent Moonman of Big Funland, which said: “Dear Sir, I have offended you. Please take your forces away, and I will pay you bribes: whatever you wish.” So, the leader of Big Funland demanded three hundred silver caesars and thirty gold caesars. And President Super Yahweh gave him all the treasure that was found in the Temple of the Hairy One and in the Black Lodge. Super Yahweh even stripped the gold trim off the furniture in his tent, and paid that out.

Now Silent Moonman sent ambassadors with a great army to Super Yahweh; thus, Big Funland’s representatives entered Eldorado and gave a speech to the president and his staffers, within earshot of the rest of the populace, saying: “The great leader Silent Moonman of Big Funland asks you: Where are you deriving all your confidence? You pose like you’re ready for war with me; but who do you think will help you? You can’t rely on the Pharaoh of Egypt: he is a weakling, like a pretzel that I could snap with one hand. Do you perhaps trust in your Volcano deity? But you haven’t spoken to him in ages; he’s always out east, or asleep on the Sabbath. Gone are the days when he would visit you in person on a hilltop, amid thunder and lightning. You’re all alone now. In fact, your LORD is on my side. Do you think that I could have conquered the whole caravansary, both the north and the south, without the help of the LORD your God? Behold, the LORD said unto me: ‘Go up against this land, and embrace it.’ That’s why Big Funland is here right now.”

At this point, the president’s staffers said to the ambassador from Big Funland: “Please speak only the Funlandic language; for we can understand it just fine: but talk not in the Caravanian tongue; for then our population can grasp as well what you are saying, and they will be able to gauge how bad the situation truly is.”

But the ambassador who delivered the speech from Big Funland’s leader answered and said: “Has my master Silent Moonman sent me only to your select committee of moguls? No, I’m here to address the entire populace. I’m sorry that you oligarchs are allergic to democracy, but you’ll just have to get used to it. No offence intended.”

“None taken,” said the president and his staffers.

Then this same ambassador raised his voice and spoke loudly as follows: “Hear the word of the great leader of Big Funland. Thus says Mister Moonman the Silent: Do not let your president deceive you, for he shall not be able to deliver you out of my hand. Do not believe him, if he tells you: ‘The LORD will save us.’ Disregard these empty wishes. Instead, make an agreement with me, and come mix and mingle with my populace: join us in harmony, and turn your back on these predatory creditors who have ruined your once-great country. Go ahead and take some time to think this over; there’s no trick to what I’m offering: just ponder my words and you will find that they ring true – it’s your own corrupt leaders who have been deceiving you for generations with lies. But come with me and I will establish you in a land like your own used to be: a land of corn and wine, a land of bread and vineyards, a land of olive oil and of honey, so that you may live and not die. Again, I urge you not to listen to those moguls who control you. They will try to convince you to remain clinging to your bad situation, by saying: ‘The LORD will surely deliver us.’ – Have any of the gods of the nations delivered their lands from my forces? Where are the gods of Belgium, and of Greece? Where are the gods of Singapore, Haiti, and Ireland? Have they delivered New Zealand out of my hand? Which among all the gods were able to save their countries from me? Thus, why should the LORD save Eldorado?”

But the people could not answer. And the president held his peace.

Various prezzez lead the caravan’s bipartitions until the north is taken captive

Chapter 15

In the twenty-seventh year of the term of northern president Robo-Jeroboam, the southern presidency of Wrong Loser began. He was sixteen years old when elected, and he governed for fifty-two years in Eldorado.

President Wrong Loser’s most famous accomplishment was that he became a werewolf and lived in a cage. (This reminds me of that glowing angel nurse that the prophetess Elisha cursed with hybridism. I wonder how she’s doing.)

Then Wrong Loser died; and they buried him with a shovel. And Jackanapes his son got elected in his stead.

§

In the thirty-eighth year of President Wrong Loser of the south did Zampanò the Strongman, natural son of Robo-Jeroboam, govern over the north in Persia; his term lasted exactly six months.

Then a Gang of Court Jesters conspired against Zampanò, and smote him, and slew him, and became the president in his stead.

These Court Jesters began to govern in the thirty-ninth year of President Wrong Loser of the south; and the whole Gang served as president of the caravan for one month. They stayed in Ahab’s Ivory Palace.

Then a Steamrolling Bulldozer that was piloted by a Manatee came up from Tasmania and drove over the whole Gang of Jesters and slew them, and got elected president in their stead.

This Manatee on the Steamrolling Bulldozer who had become president of the north then steamrolled over and bulldozed every town on the coast of the caravan, because they had not supported his campaign. President Manatee also ripped up all the pregnant women, and steamrolled over and bulldozed their unborn infants, since none of them had voted for him either.

In the thirty-ninth year of President Wrong Loser of the south, this Manatee on the Steamrolling Bulldozer began to govern the northern caravan from Persia; and his term lasted for ten years.

And a villain named Pretty Bull, the Prime Minister of Big Funland (not to be confused with regular Funland), came and threatened to deep-fry the caravan: so President Manatee gave this Pretty Bull a thousand silver caesars to postpone this plan. “And how did the caravan find the funds to afford this?” you might ask. The answer is that President Manatee taxed them.

Then President Manatee fell asleep while steamrolling and bulldozing; and nobody dared to bury him: they just left him there on his vehicle. And his son Sea Pig got elected to be the next president.

In the fiftieth year of Lime-Green President Wrong Loser, Sea Pig began to govern the ROY-BIV northern caravan, and his term lasted two years.

But the commander of his army, whose name was Sexact, conspired against President Sea Pig, and smote him in Persia, in the Ivory Palace, and he killed him. Then the caravansary’s populace came and elected Sexact president.

In the fifty-second year of the Lime-Green President Wrong Loser, the northern ROY-BIV President Sexact began to govern the caravan from Persia, and his term lasted two full decades.

In the days of Sexact’s presidency, the caravan took all the hairstylists and barbers out of Winnipeg and Funland, as well as all their cosmetologists and beauticians, and carried them captive into Big Funland. There, they bartered them for nonperishables.

Yet a Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal made a conspiracy against Sexact of the north, and smote him, and slew him, and got elected in his stead. (This nebulous and vaguely mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers was also rumored to have been the ringleader of the Gang of Court Jesters that assassinated Zampanò the Strongman and stole his presidency for a month.) The date of the usurpation of the presidency of Sexact by that Mammal-Shaped Cloud of etcetera coincided with the twentieth year of southern President Jackanapes.

This Jackanapes, the son of President Wrong Loser of the south, got elected in the second year of Sexact the northern president. (Keep track of all these timelines in your head.) He was twenty-five years old when he began to govern, and his term lasted sixteen years in Eldorado.

Then Jackanapes suddenly stopped breathing, so they buried him with his fathers under the soil of planet Earth: and a Rotting Shellfish got elected in his stead.

Chapter 16

Now this twenty-year old Rotting Shellfish that got chosen to lead the south was the son of President Jackanapes; he began to govern in the seventeenth year of Sexact; and his term lasted sixteen years.

Here is a rundown of the Rotting Shellfish’s accomplishments:

• He made his son to pass through the fire.
• He sprayed perfume in all the high places.
• He chanted psalm lyrics on the tops of the hills.
• He belled every green tree.

Now the king of Funland joined with President Sexact to ruffle the feathers of the southern caravan. The Rotting Shellfish could not stand this: it was too much for him.

So President Rotting Shellfish called up the Prime Minister of Big Funland and asked for help. He offered all the treasures from Solomon’s Temple and from the presidential residence, if Big Funland would bat back these bullies. So Prime Minister Pretty Bull accepted this payment; then Big Funland stormed Funland, and conquered it, and deported all the citizens, and slew the king. This was enough to bring about peace for a moment.

Chapter 17

Once the Rotting Shellfish had been president of the southern caravan for twelve years, that Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal was elected president of the north: and it governed for nine years.

Sometime after Big Funland conquered Funland, the Prime Minister changed from Pretty Bull to a fellow named Friendly One. This Friendly One of Big Funland now threatened to march against the northern caravan, so the Mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers that was the north’s president became the servant of Prime Minister Friendly One, and gave him presents.

But one day, the Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal forgot to send the expected present to Big Funland’s Prime Minister, so the latter imprisoned the Mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers. Then Big Funland invaded the northern caravan and besieged it. And in the ninth year of the presidential term of the vaguely Mammaloid Cloud of etcetera, Prime Minister Friendly One captured the northern caravan and took its wayfarers captive into Big Funland.

Now only the southern inhabitants remained in the caravan.

Then Friendly One brought denizens from Big Funland and placed them in all the northern cities, instead of the caravan’s wayfarers: and the citizens of Big Funland possessed Persia, and dwelt in the Ivory Palace of Ahab.

But some lions roamed into the north, and ate some of the people.

A failed attempt at funding temple repairs provokes a nifty invention — how the south prez warded off an enemy attack; then the enemy attacked the north — Elisha’s last prophecies; her death; & a posthumous miracle — the next presidents recommence infighting

Chapter 12

President Average Joe began governing when he was seven years old. His term commenced in the seventh year of northern ROY-BIV President Yahoo Yeehaw.

Now President Average Joe made a proclamation, saying: “Anyone among the populace who has money – any money: a lot of money, or even a little bit of money – please send it to the Temple, so that we can repair the House of the LORD.”

But then, in the twenty-third year of his term, President Average Joe found out that the administrative staffers at the Temple had not been making any of the promised repairs, so he chastised them and forbade them from accepting any more direct funds.

Then the Temple’s janitor Toyota had the bright idea of taking a wooden coffin and boring a hole in the top: “We can tell the people to put their money in here,” he explained; “and then we can empty the box to pay the handymen, after they do the needed repairs.” Thus, the first collection box for charitable donations was invented by Toyota.

§

Then Hammerhead Shark the king of Funland set his face to attack Jerusalem.

So, President Average Joe of the southern caravan took all the treasures that Fat Jehovah, and Lamb Bomb, and Gracchus, and he himself, had dedicated to the Ivory Palace; plus all the gold that was found in the hallowed places of the Temple, and in the old presidential residence; and he sent it to the king of Funland: thus, Hammerhead Shark went away from Eldorado.

Now the rest of the acts of Average Joe, and all that he did, are they not written in that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?

Then his staffers arose, and made a conspiracy, and slew Average Joe in a fast-food restaurant on the edge of the suburbs. Two of his bodyguards smote him with forks, and he died; and they buried him with his fathers in Sweet Beulah Land: and Taxi Driver his son became president in his stead.

Chapter 13

Jehovah’s Ass became the president of the northern caravansary in the twenty-third year of the term of Lime-Green President Average Joe. And President Jehovah’s Ass governed for seventeen years.

And the north caravan was attacked by Hammerhead Shark, the king of Funland, all their days. But Jehovah’s Ass besought the Volcano to help them, and the Volcano sent the caravan a savior, to rescue them from Hammerhead Shark: and the wayfarers got safely away from the danger (at least for a moment), and dwelt in their tents, as beforetime.

Then Jehovah’s Ass fell asleep on the couch, just like Fat Jehovah before him; and they buried him in the back yard: and his son, Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, was elected president in his stead.

§

Here’s an amazing fact: in the thirty-seventh year of Average Joe’s term as president of the southern caravan, his propped-up corpse was begotten by Jehovah’s Ass to reign over the northern part of the caravan: yes, before his body was even dead – and it governed sixteen years!

§

Now the prophetess Elisha was sick to death. And Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, the president of the north, came to visit her, and wept over her, and said: “Rabbi, rabbi, your god did not forsake you!” (Note that this is exactly what Elisha herself exclaimed when her master Elijah was taken by the fiery chariot. What it implies in the present instance is anyone’s guess.)

Then Elisha said to Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse: “Get out your bow and arrows.” And he got out his bow and arrows. And Elisha said to the northern president: “Put your hand upon the bow.” And he put his hand upon it: and Elisha put her hands upon the president’s hands. And she said: “Open the window.” And he opened it. Then Elisha said: “Shoot.” And he shot. And there was heard a faint scream in the distance. Then Elisha said: “This is a sign that the True God, in Yeshua’s name, will help the country fight battles in the future.”

Then she said: “Take my magic wand.” And Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse took the wand from her hand. And she said to the northern president: “See this rock, on which I have engraved a voodoo image resembling a hammerhead shark?” And the president said: “I see it.” And she said: “Smite the rock.” And he smote once, and stayed.

Now the prophetess was furious with him, and she cried: “You should have smitten at least two times! Then Yeshua would have given you the power to smite the king of Funland until his whole country dies, including all the women, children, house pets, and wildlife; whereas now you shall only get to kill one of these groups.”

Then Elisha died, and they buried her in a mass grave in the forest. Now, forests are the home of many frightening creatures. And it happened that, later, as some townsfolk were burying a man in the same mass grave, behold, certain creatures crept out of the forest and scared the townsfolk, so they cast the corpse into the grave and ran away: and when the dead man came in contact with the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet.

Chapter 14

In the second year of the northern presidency of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, the southern caravan elected Taxi Driver to be their president. He was twenty-five years old when he began his term, and he reigned twenty-nine years in Eldorado.

And it came to pass, as soon as his presidency was certified by the Creditor Class, that Taxi Driver assassinated his father’s assassins. (For, prior to the propping up of his corpse, Average Joe had been assassinated.) But he stopped short of murdering the offspring of those murderers, on account of what is written in The Teaching of Moses:

“The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own crime.” [Deuteronomy 24:16]

Now there was infighting between the northern and southern presidents of the caravan: between Taxi Driver and Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse. The two presidents exchanged harsh words. Then the northern prez paid a visit to the southern prez, and the two looked one another in the face outside the Sunhouse of Aton.

And Taxi Driver was overwhelmed by Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse: the south was routed by the north; and all the southerners fled to their tents.

Then Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse came to Eldorado, and broke down the wall surrounding Sweet Beulah Land, and he took all the gold and silver, and all the treasures in the Temple of the Hairy One, and all the luxuries in the Black House, as well as hostages, and returned to Persia.

Now the rest of the acts of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, and his great might, and how he fought with the southern president Taxi Driver, are they not written in some lost book? Curse the author and his God.

Then, at long last, Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse got to sleep with his fathers; and he was buried deep in the desert, lest he wake up. And Robo-Jeroboam became president in his stead: the first android ever to be elected.

§

And Taxi Driver, the Lime-Green Prez of the south, son of the previously living Average Joe, continued to govern for fifteen years after the death of his father’s propped-up corpse.

Now a conspiracy arose against President Taxi Driver in Eldorado, so he fled to Hawaii and Alaska; but the conspirators chased after him to Hawaii and Alaska, and slew him there.

Then they brought Taxi Driver’s slain cadaver back on horses, just to spite him (for he preferred automobiles): and he was buried in Eldorado under a parking meter.

And all the people of the southern caravan voted for a lad named Wrong Loser, who was sixteen years old, and elected him president instead of his father Taxi Driver.

President Wrong Loser helped to rebuild a certain town within the caravan, but nobody can remember which one.

§

In the fifteenth year of southern President Taxi Driver the son of the living Average Joe, Robo-Jeroboam the son of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse became president of the north and began to govern from Persia, and he reigned forty-one years.

He restored the coast of Coromandel from the ham-filled sinkhole unto the Sea of Pain, according to the personal testimony of Jonah, the prophet who “leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him; / then he fled from God, and a whale met him.”

Did you know? The Volcano might have blotted out the caravan entirely from under heaven: but he saved them by the hand of Robo-Jeroboam.

Now the rest of the acts of Robo-Jeroboam, and all that he did, and his might, and the secret of how he made women fall in love with him despite his being an insensitive machine, are they not written down in a book of important tidbits? If not, they should be.

And Robo-Jeroboam died a natural death, very peacefully in his sleep; and his son Zampanò the Strongman was elected president in his stead.

More fighting over the leadership of the caravan

Chapter 10

Now Captain Ahab had seventy sons in Persia. And President Yahoo Yeehaw wrote letters to them all, saying: “Stop what you are doing, and come fight me. I am the president, and I will prove this in battle.”

But Ahab’s offspring were exceedingly afraid, and said: “Behold, two presidents could not survive this Yahoo Yeehaw: how then shall we stand?” So they all wrote back saying: “We are your servants; we will obey your rule.”

Then President Yahoo Yeehaw wrote a letter to all the self-styled yogis and gurus who held positions as officials and elders in the places where the sons of Ahab resided, and Yahoo Yeehaw said to them: “Listen, all the ex-president’s sons have surrendered to me. Now if you are on my side, then meet me outside the Ivory Palace in Persia tomorrow noon, and bring with you the severed heads of Ahab’s offspring.”

And it came to pass, when the letter reached the yogis and gurus, that they took the ex-president’s sons, and slew all seventy, and put their heads in baskets, and brought them to the palace.

Then a note from these officials was delivered to President Yahoo Yeehaw, and it said: “We have brought all the severed heads.” So he wrote back, saying: “Pile them in two heaps at the entryway. I will arrive tomorrow.”

And it came to pass in the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said to all the people: “Do you think yourselves righteous? Behold, I conspired against both presidents, and slew them. But who slew all these?” And he kicked one of the piles of severed heads, and some rolled forth. “You all are as deeply invested in this naughtiness as I am. Don’t forget it.” Then President Yahoo Yeehaw slew all the remaining officials, and elders, and kinfolk, and anyone else who had the slightest connection to Ahab.

Then he arose and departed. And he passed through a sheepshearing festival, where he met the siblings of the late President Lamb Bomb. And Yahoo Yeehaw said: “Who are you?” And they answered: “We are the siblings of Lamb Bomb, here for the shearing fest.” And President Yahoo Yeehaw turned then to his barber who was with him, and said: “Give them a shave, here and now. Make it close; I am in the mood for some pink wool.”

So he corralled the siblings of Lamb Bomb onto the shearing-floor, and flayed all forty-two of them; and they died.

Then President Yahoo Yeehaw called the entire population of the caravan together at the Temple for a meeting; and he addressed the people officially, saying: “Your old Captain Ahab served the LORD a little; but I, Yahoo Yeehaw, shall serve the LORD much. Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of the LORD, all his seers, and all his magi; let none be wanting: for we shall have a great feast unto the LORD.” – But Yahoo Yeehaw did this deceptively, to the intent that he might destroy the worshippers of the LORD.

Then the president said: “Proclaim a solemn assembly for the LORD.” And they proclaimed it. And Yahoo Yeehaw notified all the caravansary: and all those faithful to the LORD came. And they entered the house of the LORD; and the Temple was full from one end to the other.

And it came to pass, as soon as he had finished offering the first lambkin, that Yahoo Yeehaw excused himself from the multitudes; and he stepped outside, where his armed forces were waiting; and he said to his shock-troops: “Go in, and slay them all; let none escape.”

And they smote them with the edge of the sword. And they smashed up the Temple, and burned everything. They used the Holy of Holies as a latrine.

Thus Yahoo Yeehaw destroyed the LORD from the caravan.

And Elisha came and said unto Yahoo Yeehaw: “Because you have done well in executing that which is right in my eyes, and you have brought upon the house of Ahab everything that was in my heart (despite your allowing Jezebel to slip away), I promise your bloodline four generations of presidents. They shall consistently win the requisite number of votes.”

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In those days the Volcano began to cut the caravan short. And Hammerhead Shark, the king of Funland, smote them in all their coasts, from the Great Basin eastward.

Now the rest of the acts of Yahoo Yeehaw, and all that he did, and all his might, are they not written in that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents? (His term lasted twenty-eight years.)

And Yahoo Yeehaw slept with his fathers: and they buried him in the consecrated ground of the Church cemetery. And his son, whose name was Jehovah’s Ass, became the next president: he was elected in a landslide.

Chapter 11

Now when Columbia the mother of Lamb Bomb saw that her daughter was dead, she swiftly killed off everyone who was of royal stock. But one of those royals, whose name was Average Joe, got hidden away in storage while all these murders occurred. So, he was not slain. And he was the firstborn son of Lamb Bomb.

Thus, Average Joe, who was only an infant at the time, remained in hiding, while Lamb Bomb’s mom, Columbia, served as president for the next six years.

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Now the superintendent of the royal household was a man named Toyota. He also worked at Solomon’s Temple as a janitor. And this Toyota persuaded the army of the caravan to help him protect Average Joe.

Anything in the Temple which had survived the fiery onrush of Yahoo Yeehaw, such as President David’s spears and shields, Toyota distributed to the army. So they guarded the Temple, as Toyota took the ex-president’s son, Average Joe, out from his hiding place in the household of his murderous grandmother Columbia, and transferred the lad over into Solomon’s Temple. (At that time, Columbia had already moved into the presidential residence.)

Thus, they brought forth Average Joe, who was then only seven years old, and they clothed him in the presidential pants and suitcoat, with a white collared shirt, red necktie, polished leather Derbies and matching belt, long dress socks, gold wristwatch, and a two-tone tie bar. And they had him professionally groomed, so that his hair looked neat and was clean-cut; they also trimmed and polished his fingernails. Finally, they spritzed him with a subtle fragrance, to complete his executive image. Then they elected him president, and anointed him; and they clapped their hands, and said: “You are now the son of God.”

Now when President Columbia heard this noise from the nearby Temple, she came out of the Ivory Palace and went to go see for herself what all the racket was about. And when she looked, behold, the new president was standing between the Pillars of Justice, as was the custom, and the Chiefs of Staff were there, and the royal trumpeters, with all the highest commanders of the armed forces around him in a semicircle. And all the people of the land rejoiced, as the trumpets blew.

Then Columbia tore open her blouse, and raised her torch, and cried: “Treason! Treason!”

But Toyota instructed the army to bring her outside as politely as possible: “Don’t let anybody follow her,” he said; “I would rather not see her slain in the house of the LORD.”

So they laid hands on President Columbia; then, seizing her torch, they extinguished it in the baptismal font; and they led her out to the horse barn, and killed her there.