The words of Amos the herdsman

[The following sections correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible like so: 1 = 1–2; 2 = 3; 3 = 4; 4 = 5; 5 = 7; 6 = 7; 7 = 8; 8–9 = same.]

1

Yahweh roars from Eldorado, 

Now the valleys shrivel up, and the mountaintops wither.

The Volcano says: 

For an overload of abominations from EMERALD CITY,  

I can no longer hold back, I now break forth: 

Because they have threshed the immigrants of Oz with instruments of iron,  

I will send a fire on the wall of Emerald City, which shall devour the palaces thereof.

The Volcano says: 

For an overload of abominations from WONDERLAND,  

I can no longer hold back, I now break forth: 

Because they enslaved an entire population,  

I will send a fire on the wall of Wonderland, which shall devour the palaces thereof, and their king shall go into captivity.

The Volcano says: 

For an overload of abominations from EDEN,  

I can no longer hold back, I now break forth: 

Because he pursued his neighbors with the sword, repressing all pity, and his anger tore every which way, and he kept his wrath forever, 

I will send a fire on the hedge about Eden, which shall devour the garden thereof.

The Volcano says: 

For an overload of abominations from THE CARAVAN,  

I can no longer hold back, I now break forth: 

Because they ignored the only law that I gave them, and instead of allowing everyone to be prophets, they prioritized financial profits over people: 

I will send a fire upon the caravan, and it shall devour all the palaces of Eldorado.

The Volcano says: 

For an overload of abominations from YOU FORMER WAYFARERS WHO HAVE BECOME CREDITORS, 

I can no longer hold back, I now break forth: 

Because you sold the righteous for silver, and the poor for a pair of shoes. 

You trample the needy into the dust 

and force the meek to travel a corrupt path. 

Why did I bring you up from the land of Egypt, and lead you forty years through the wilderness, to possess Eldorado? 

You now enact the very cruelty from which I saved you! 

I raised up from among your offspring prophets and Nazarites, 

But you make the Nazarites drunkards, and you commanded the prophets: “Do not prophesy.” 

Behold, I am pressed under you, as a cart full of sheaves is pressed. 

Therefore, everything shall go wrong for you; you will lose all your wars; and whoever is courageous among the mighty shall flee away naked in that day, says the Volcano.

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2

Hear this, O wayfarers of the caravan, that the Volcano has spoken concerning you:

Can two set a plan in motion without conspiring?

Does a lion roar in the jungle when he has no prey? Will a wild beast cry out from his den without first making a kill?

Shall a bird get yanked out of the air without a snare having taken her? Does a trap spring shut for nothing, on its own, without being triggered?

Can a war-trump sound in a city and its people not feel terror? Shall there be evil anywhere, and God has not done it?

Surely the Lord Yahweh will do nothing without revealing the secret unto his prophets.

The lion has roared, who will not fear? the Lord Yahweh has spoken, who can but prophesy?

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3

Hear this word, you fat cows that oppress the poor and crush the needy.

The Volcano has sworn that he shall take you up with baited hooks, and haul you away in fish baskets.

Come to the House of God and transgress; enter the Temple and multiply your iniquity; then bring your prayers and your tithes, as you love to do, and grill your offerings on the altar. For my part, says Yahweh, I will ignore you, and turn my face away from you, because you have not eliminated poverty from among you.

If I save any part of you, O caravan, it will be like a branch plucked out of the fire.

Lo, he that forms the mountains 

and creates the wind 

and reads the mind of mankind, 

and makes darkness into morning, 

and treads upon the high places of the earth, 

The Lord Yahweh God is his name.

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4

Hear this lamentation that I wrote for you, O caravan.

O fallen is the little virgin caravan, 

no more shall she rise!

There is no one to help her up.

Yahweh says: “I see that your city had thousands, but now it has only hundreds. And now, look again: each of those hundreds has become only ten.

Ye who turn judgment to wormwood, and stomp righteousness into the earth, 

seek him that makes the seven stars and Orion, 

and turns the shadow of death into the morning, 

and makes the day dark with night; 

that summons the waters, and pours them out upon the face of the earth: 

His name is Yahweh.

He strengthens those who were defeated, and brings them to overthrow the fortress of their vanquishers.

Your justice system is corrupt: you hate fair judgment; you abhor whoever speaks uprightly. You tread on the needy, and tax the poor. Because of this, although you have built houses of stone, you shall not dwell in them; and though you have planted pleasant vineyards, you shall not drink their wine.

For I know your manifold transgressions and your mighty sins: you afflict the just, you take a bribe and warp the rights of those in need.

O you who desire the day of the LORD, 

Why! Why do you wish this!? You must not understand: 

The day of the LORD is darkness, and not light; 

as if a man fled from a lion and met a bear; 

or leaned to rest on a wall, and a serpent bit him.

The day of the LORD shall be darkness, and not light: even very dark, and no brightness in it.

I hate, I despise your holidays! I will not attend your solemn church services.

Though you burn incense, I will not smell it, I will not accept your prayers, neither will I regard your offerings. Take away the noise of your “praise and worship,” for I will not let you affront me with what you call music. I will not listen.

Instead, let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

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5

Lord Yahweh showed me how he had formed an enormous swarm of grasshoppers, which he was planning on letting loose to destroy the caravan’s crops. But I said: “O Yahweh, I beseech you to forgive them, for the caravan is small.”

So, Yahweh repented of this mischief: “It shall not be,” he said.

Then Lord Yahweh showed me how he had created a flaming fire that destroyed the whole ocean and was going to ruin the caravan’s fields. But I said; “O Yahweh, stop! Please, restrain yourself, for the caravan is small.”

Yahweh repented of this mischief as well. “This also shall not be,” he said.

Then he climbed up on a wall, holding a pickax in his arms as though he would destroy the wall with the pickax. And he said to me: “Amos, what do you see?” And I answered: “A pickax.” Then he said: “I am going to apply a pickax to the caravan; I will ignore their cruelty no longer: I will destroy everything, lay it waste, and ruin it all; especially their places of worship; then feed their leaders to my glittering sword.”

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6

Now the priest of the House of God sent to the president of the northern caravan, saying: “Amos has conspired against you, saying hateful words against our country. For he said that you shall die by the sword, and that our people will be led away captive.”

Also this same priest then said to Amos: “O you seer, go, flee away into the southern caravan, and prophesy there, but stay away from our House of God: for it is the president’s chapel and his court.”

Then Amos answered the priest and said: “I am no prophet, neither am I a prophet’s son; but I am a herdsman, and a tender of sycamore fruit. And Yahweh took me as I followed my flock, and he said unto me: ‘Go, prophesy unto my wayfarers in the caravan.’ Is that clear? Now hear the word of Yahweh, O priest. You tell me: ‘Stop prophesying against the caravan; do not say anything untoward about our nation.’ Therefore, O priest, here is what Yahweh says to you: ‘Your wife shall be a prostitute in the city, and your children shall fall by the sword, and your land shall be divided and stripped away from you, and you shall die in a polluted domain: and the caravan shall surely be taken captive.’”

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7

The Lord Yahweh came to visit me, and he held up a basket of summer fruit. And he said: “Amos, what do you see here?” And I answered: “A basket of summer fruit.” Then Yahweh said unto me: “The end is come for my wayfarers in the caravan; I cannot continue to pardon them.”

“And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day,” says the Lord Yahweh: “there shall be many dead bodies in all places, lying everywhere in silence.”

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8

Hear this, all you who devour the needy; who devastate the poor and cheat them out of their land; who cannot wait to sell your merchandise with deceptive scales, inflating the weight of your produce while shrinking the weight of the payment, falsifying the balances by deceit, so that you may buy the poor for silver, and the needy for a pair of shoes; who sell refuse as wheat:

Yahweh has sworn that he shall never forget this arrogant behavior of the caravan. “I will turn your feasts into mourning, and all your songs into lamentation,” says Lord Yahweh.

“Behold, the days come,” says Lord Yahweh, “that I will send a famine to the land; not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of God. So they shall wander from sea to sea, in all directions, running to and fro to seek the word of God, and shall not find it.”

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9

“No one shall escape,” says Yahweh God:

“Though they dig down into the land of the dead, my hand shall snatch them from there and bring them back. Though they climb up to heaven, thence will I drag them down. And though they scramble behind a mountain range, I will knock it away and take them forth from there. And though they hide where I cannot see them, in the bottom of the sea, I will command the serpent, and he shall bite them. They will remain in my crosshairs for evil, and not for good.”

Prosaic Hosea

1

When the Volcano first spoke to Hosea, he said: “Go marry a whore, and beget children of whoredom: for the caravan has gone a‑whoring after Mammon the Money-god: they have financialized everything, and everything is corrupt. No longer do they follow the volcano of potential.”

So the prophet Hosea married a whore, and she conceived the Seed of Promise and brought forth a son. And the Volcano said to Hosea: “Name your son Scattershot, because soon I will scatter the northern caravan and shoot them into other nearby nations. And when I say shoot, I mean plant: for they will mix and mingle wherever they land, and take root in new soil.”

And Hosea’s whore conceived again, and bore a daughter. And the Volcano said: “Name her Unaccepted, for I will no longer accept the contracts of your creditors: I will utterly reject them, and humble their hubris.”

Now when Unaccepted was weaned, Hosea’s whore conceived and bore another son. Then the Volcano said: “Name him Nofolk, for you are not my people: we no longer see each other. I am not your god; your god is Mammon.”

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2

But when you change your abusive behavior, once you clean up your corruption, I will cause your offspring to be as the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted: for you shall mingle and meld with the all the nations. And just as I once said: “You are not my people,” I will then say: “You are the offspring of the Volcano.” And great shall be the day of Scattershot.

Call your brother: Myfolk. And call your sister: Accepted.

Tell that whore your mother to abandon Mammon: stop the monetization of your mixing and mingling.

If she turns away from her pay-to-play behavior, I her true husband will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her. And I will give her her vineyards, and the Valley of Exploding Earth for a door of hope; and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, when she came up out of Egypt. (Do not forget that I saved you from that Empire.)

In that day, says the Volcano, you shall call me “Husband, Lord, Baal!” and never again call me “Client” or “Customer.”

In that day, I will make a contract for them with the beasts of the field, and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the weapons of warfare out of the earth, and will allow them to lie down safely.

And I will marry you forever. We will marry in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even marry you in faithfulness: and you shall know that I am the Volcano.

Thus shall you be sown in the soil, and thus shall you prosper. I will say: “You are my people,” and you will say: “God is my friend.”

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3

Then the Volcano said to me: “Go and pay court to an adulteress who has many friends; just like how Yahweh wooed the caravan, but they loved money.”

So, I was affianced to such a woman, and I told her: “For the duration of our engagement, you shall not play the harlot; you shall abstain from sleeping around: and I will do the same for you.”

This symbolizes how the wayfarers of the caravan shall abide many days without a president, and without a grilling-altar, and without an ephod, and without oracles, and without idols, and without a select committee of moguls who work behind the scenes to pull strings for Mammon. After this period of abstinence, the caravan shall return to love the volcano of potential and his goodness in the future.

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4

Hear the word of the Volcano, ye wayfarers of the caravansary. For Yahweh has a controversy with the inhabitants of Eldorado, because there is no truth, nor mercy, nor divine wisdom in the land. All of you bear false witness, lie, murder, steal; you make love a game of profiteering, heaping crimes on crimes. Therefore, the land shall mourn, and everyone who dwells there shall decline, along with the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven; even the fishes of the sea shall be taken away.

You authorities, you spiritual leaders: you are a disservice and an affront. Therefore, I shall make you fall in a night. You destroy my people for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I will also reject you. You shall be no priest to me. You have forgotten the volcano of potential: God now forgets you.

You priests sinned against me: therefore I will change your glory into shame. You eat up the people’s corruption: you set their heart on iniquity.

God says: You priests offend me. Do not enter my house. Do not address me. I reject all spiritual leaders.

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5

O my wayfarers, what shall I do with you? For your goodness is like a morning cloud, and like the early dew it goes away.

That’s why I chopped down your spiritual leadership. I have slain them by the words of my mouth.

For I desired mercy, not sacrifice! and divine knowledge more than burnt offerings.

But just as troops of robbers wait for a man, so the company of priests murder those who walk my way: for they defile the innocent.

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6

Churchgoers cry unto me: “O God, we are devoted to you!” But they have not cried unto me with their heart. Their devotion is feigned; they are insincere. They assemble themselves not for good, but for “goods and services”: business, profit; and they rebel against me. The Church rejects the divine: they pursue delusion.

They have sown the wind; they shall reap the whirlwind.

These so-called believers have established countless altars, thinking to please me: These altars are an offense! You love to grill; but I have written so many scriptures: why do you not read any of my books?

When you sacrifice on the grilling altar, it is only to eat flesh. You are mere gluttons. Send this congregation back to Egypt.

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7

I found the caravan as refreshing as grapes in the wilderness.

I saw your ancestors as the freshest fruit in the fig tree at their first ripeness. They married Yahweh.

But then they went to Mammon, and indulged in shamefulness of buying and selling; and they became as abhorred as they initially were loved.

As for the moguls, their glory shall fly away like a bird, from their birth, and from the womb, and from conception.

Their select committee, mimicking Tyrus, is planted in a pleasant place: but the merchant shall bring forth his children to the murderer.

All their wickedness stems from the Hanging Pond, in its dry time, back in the Great Basin, in the days of its desert-hood, when they first left the wilderness, and when they began to enter Reno and El Cortez: for there I hated them. Because of the greed of their doings I will drive them out, I will love them no more: all their leaders revolt me.

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8

When the caravan was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of the Empire. Thus were they called, but they went their own way: they sacrificed unto Mammon, and loved acquisition above harmony.

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9

Yahweh has also a controversy with Israel, and will punish Jacob according to his ways; according to his doings will he recompense him: He took his brother by the heel in the womb, and by his strength he had power over God: yea, he had power over the batlike visitor, and prevailed. He wept, and made supplication unto him. He found him in the House of Gods, and there he spoke with us; even with Yahweh Peor, in his place in the pantheon.

Every god was there but Mammon, who is a merchant; the balances of deceit are in his hand: he loves to oppress.

And his creditors said: “Yet I am become rich, I have heaped up great possessions. None shall discover my iniquity.”

But I, who am the Volcano from outside of Egypt, will yet make you to dwell in tabernacles, like in the time of our wilderness banquet. Remember the days when I spoke by dark sayings and parables: I have multiplied visions, and used similitudes, by the oracles of the prophets.

Did the caravan go wrong in Oz? Surely they became vain. They sacrificed bullocks in the Hanging Pond; indeed, their grilling-altars are so many stones blocking all the good fields.

But by a prophet the volcano of potential brought the workforce out of the Empire, and by a prophet was the caravan preserved.

When you act in earnest, and for the sake of social harmony, and with love for all that lives, then the Volcano shall return to you. But if you offend, fawning after Mammon’s creditors, then you die.

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10

I will ransom you from the power of the grave; I will redeem you from death. O death, I will be your undoing; O grave, I will be your destruction.

I will not take revenge on my wayfarers. O caravan, return to the Volcano who loves you. Take words with you, and turn to Yahweh, say to him: “Forgive all arrogance, and receive us graciously; for, instead of sacrificing burnt calves, we render to you the offering of righteous actions.”

I will heal their relapsing, their fumbling into error, their bad decisions; I will love them freely: for my anger is turned away from them. I will be as the dew to my caravan: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as the poplar. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his aroma as fine wine.

My people shall say, “What have I to do any more with finance? I have heard and observed the volcano of potential: I am like a green fir tree.

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Endnote

This scroll collected all the oracles of the Volcano that came unto the prophet Hosea in the days of President Wrong Loser, President Jackanapes, President Rotting Shellfish, and President Super Yahweh, from the Lime-Green southern caravansary, and in the days of the northern ROY-BIV majority’s President Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse.

[The foregoing sections correspond as follows to the numbers of the chapters in the King James Bible: 1–4 = same; 5 = 6; 6 = 8; 7 = 9; 8 = 11; 9 = 12; 10 = 13–14.]

The End of the Book of Ezekiel

[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 19 = 34; 20 = 37; 21 = 40–48.]

19

And Yahweh came and said to me: “Mortal, prophesy against the pastors of the caravansary. Thus says the Volcano: Woe unto all pastors! You pastors feed yourselves, when you should feed your flocks. Instead, you take from your flocks. You eat their fat, you clothe yourself with their wool. You do not strengthen those who are weak, neither have you healed those who are sick, neither have you made firm that which was broken, neither have you brought back those who were driven astray, neither have you sought for those who are lost; but with force and with cruelty you have ruled them. And they were scattered, because there is no true pastor: they became prey to all the wild beasts of the field. My goatlings wandered through all the mountains, and upon every high hill: yes, my flock was scattered upon all the face of the earth, and none of you so-called pastors searched or sought after them. Therefore, you pastors, hear the word of the Volcano:

“Thus says Yahweh God: I am against all pastors. I will require my flock at their hand, and cause them to cease from feeding the flock; neither shall the pastors feed themselves anymore; for I will deliver my flock from their mouth, that they may not be meat for them.

“For thus says Yahweh God: Behold, I myself will search for my goatlings, and seek them out. Wherever they are scattered, I will rescue them from all treacherous places, and shelter them on a dark and cloudy day. I will bring them to feed on the mountains, and by the rivers, and in all the inhabited places of the country. I will graze them in good pastures, and upon the high mountains: there shall they lie in a good fold, and in a fat pasture they shall feed upon the heights. I will nurture my flock, and I will cause them to lie down, says the Volcano.

“I will seek whoever was lost, and bring back whoever was driven astray, and will mend whoever was broken, and will heal whoever was sick. But I will destroy the corpulent and the powerful; I will stuff them with judgment.

“And as for you, O my flock, thus says Yahweh God: Behold, I will judge between goatling and goatling, between one animal and another.

“To all you thick, strong ones among the multitude: Do you think that you can eat up all the good pasture, and then tread down with your feet the residue, and muddy the water after you yourselves have gotten a chance to drink; so that the others must settle for grazing on what you have left behind, and drink the water that you have fouled? Thus says the Volcano: I will judge between the corpulent goats and the lean goats. Because you have thrust aside with your shoulder and pushed all the smaller ones with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad, I will save my flock, and they shall no more be a prey; and I will judge between every individual.

“Thus shall they know that I the Volcano am their protector, and they, the wayfarers, are my caravan. And you my flock, the goats of my pasture, are human beings, and I am your God, says the volcano of potential.”

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20

I felt Yahweh’s hand fall upon me: he grabbed me by my hair and carried me on the wind of God; then set me down in the middle of a valley full of bones. Everywhere I looked, there were bones: they were strewn throughout the valley, and these bones were very dry.

Now the Volcano said unto me: “Mortal, can these bones live?”

And I answered: “Dear God, how should I know?”

Then he said unto me: “Prophesy over these bones, and say unto them: ‘O ye dry bones, hear the word of the Volcano. I will make you come together, and stand up, and I will lay sinews upon you, and put breath in you, and you shall live.’”

So I did as I was instructed: Then, while prophesying, there came a noise of rattling and shaking from the bones, and they started joining together, bone to bone. And when I looked, there were sinews forming upon them, and flesh came up onto the bones, and skin covered them: but there was no breath in them.

Then Yahweh said unto me: “Prophesy to the breath of life! Prophesy, mortal, and say to my Spirit: Thus says the Volcano: Come from the four winds, O life-breath, and breathe your Whirlwind Spirit into these cadavers, to make them spring alive.”

So I prophesied as he instructed me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up on their feet: a nude multitude.

Then Yahweh God said unto me: “Mortal, those bones you saw were the wayfarers of the caravan. Behold, they say: ‘Our bones are dried, we are dead, our hope is lost.’ Therefore, prophesy and say unto them: ‘The Volcano will excavate your graves and cause you to live, so that you may mix and mingle with the nations of the world. And you will know that I am Yahweh, when I dig you up out of the underworld of Sheol, and clothe your bones with the moist clay of flesh, and breathe my Spirit into your nostrils, so that you can move about and go to and fro in the earth, and your eyes shall be opened, and you shall understand good and evil.’”

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21

In the twenty-fifth year of our captivity, the hand of Yahweh fell upon me: he clutched me and brought me to Eldorado. He set me down upon a high hill, where I could see our whole southern capital. Then he went inside his vortex, and the aperture closed behind him. Soon the vortex reopened, and when he came back out, all his abundant hair had been gathered up into seven braids, so that his body could be seen, and his flesh was no longer brown like rusty iron, but it shone like copper, and he held in his hand the Rod of God, Nehushtan: the magic wand with the brazen serpent twining around it. And he said to me: “Mortal, behold with your eyes, and listen with your ears, and set your heart upon all that I shall show you. For I brought you here to reveal some of the structures that I plan to build.”

And the Volcano used the Rod of God to make visions appear; also he employed it as a measuring device, and to point out features of the architecture that he showed me.

First he unveiled the future Temple of the Hairy One. He noted all its gates and recesses and openings. He showed me the vestibule. He took me to the outer court, and showed me all the chambers and the pavements. He then showed me how all the windows on the temple were made of gemstones, and he showed me the spiral staircases. He took me to the inner forecourt, and showed me all the palm trees, and all the bookshelves, and all the grilling altars. And he showed me the portico. Then he let me look inside the Holy of Holies, and I beheld all the seductions that it contains. He showed me the side chambers and the great hall; the double doors, the shrine, the lattices, and so on.

Afterward he led me through a gate, and there was a noise of many waters, and the place shined brightly: this was where he kept his executive desk. Then thick black smoke began to fill the room, so we went back into the hallway and shut the door. Directly outside, there were cataracts cascading down the walls, and jets of spray gushing about from someplace under the floor, and the water was frothy.

He showed me many other things, as well: too numerous to fit into the last ten chapters of a scroll.

Lastly, he measured the whole country, and it was countless God Rods across; and its center was vaster than its circumference. And he told me the secret name of this place: for it is officially known as Eldorado, but the Volcano also refers to it sometimes as Lava Land.

Ezekiel, pt. 3 of 4

[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible like so: 14 = 24; 15 = 28; 16 = 29; 17 = 31; 18 = 33.]

14

One day, Yahweh came and said to me: “Mortal, listen. I am going to kill your wife. But don’t mourn over her: don’t even shed a single tear.”

So, early the next day, I told this prophecy to the people. Then, when evening came, my wife died. And I did as I was instructed: I abstained from weeping.

The people said to me: “Please tell us what this portends.”

So I answered them, saying: “Yahweh God came to me and said: ‘Tell the caravan that I will profane my sanctuary, even the Temple, which, in the sight of the caravan, is like a beautiful wife that you love. She’ll be gone in a night, because invaders will come and destroy her. And you will not be able to show how sad this makes you, because the invaders will threaten you, saying: “Anyone who cries for the temple will be chopped into pieces.” At that point, you will recall that Lord Yahweh predicted all this.’”

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15

Two prophecies against Tyre.

Yahweh came to me and said: “Mortal, deliver the following speech unto the president of Tyre. Thus says the Volcano:

“Your heart was lifted up, and you said, ‘I am the One True God, I sit on the divine throne in the midst of the seas.’ But you are only a man, and not God, though you have tried to make your heart look as big as the heart of God. Lo, you are indeed wiser than Daniel; no secret is hidden from you; your wisdom and understanding has gained you riches, and you have heaped gold and silver into your treasures: By your expertise in overseas trade, you have increased your wealth; and your heart is all puffed up because of your success. Therefore, the volcano of potential says to you: ‘Watch out, O President of Tyre, for I will cause strange monsters to come out of the deep, and they shall show you their fangs, which are larger than sabers, and they will eat up your wisdom, and dim your brightness. They shall bring you with them down into the pit, and you shall die a terrible sea-death.’ Will you yet argue with the beasts that are slaying you, and will you say to them: ‘Stop; I am God!’ Ha, no: you are a man, and not God. But keep trying to plead with the claw that is slaughtering you.”

§

Then Yahweh taught me a second prophecy against Tyre – he said:

“Mortal, take up a lamentation upon the president of Tyre, and tell him the following. Thus says the Volcano:

“You were the image of perfection, full of wisdom, and flawless in beauty. You were stationed in Eden, the garden of God. Every precious stone was your covering: the sardius, topaz, the diamond, the beryl, onyx, jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, carbuncle, and gold: the workmanship of your tabrets and of your pipes was pristine from the day of their making. You are the anointed cherub that covers with outstretched wings. You stood on the holy mountain of God. You walked up and down within the midst of the stones of fire. You were perfect in your ways from the day that you were created, until hubris was found in you. By the multitude of your merchandise and your international commerce, you have grown lawless: now your inwards are filled with violence. Therefore, I will cast you as profane out of the mountain of God: and I will destroy you, O covering cherub, from amid the stones of fire. Your heart was lifted up because of your beauty; you have corrupted your wisdom by reason of your brightness: I will cast you to the ground, and let the other nations stare at you. You have defiled yourself by way of dishonest trading; therefore, I will bring forth a fire from the midst of you, and it shall devour you, and I will bring you to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all the rest of the world. They who knew you will be shocked and appalled at your downfall. Look: you will become a horror. You will never again exist.”

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16

The Lord Yahweh says: “Behold, I am against you, you great dragon: you who hover in the midst of the rivers, who have said: ‘All this water belongs to me, and I have made it for myself.’

“Ah, is that so, you great big dragon? But I will put hooks in your jaws, and I will bring you up out of the midst of your rivers. And I will toss you into the wilderness, and I will leave you wherever you fall. After hoisting you up, I will throw you there. And you will remain there, writhing in the open fields, not knowing what to do, since you have been hefted there by me, the Lord of Heaven. You shall not be gathered by fishermen nor tossed back into the water: I have given you for meat to the beasts of the field. You will be a sight of pity and terror. Anyone who happens to pass by and see you writhing there shall lose control of their loins.”

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17

Yahweh gave me this prophecy as well:

“Behold, there was a cedar with fair branches that was of high stature, which cast a huge shadow: his top was among the thick boughs. Who was like him for greatness! The waters gave him strength, the deep set him up on high with her rivers running round about his roots. His height was exalted above all the trees of the field, and his boughs were multiplied, and his branches became long because of the sources of water that fed him. All the fowls of heaven made their nests in his boughs. The beasts of the field brought forth their young beneath the protection of his branches. And under his shadow were established the greatest nations.

“Thus, he was the fairest tree in the forest, because of the length of his limbs; and his roots drank up great waters. None of the plants growing nearby could hide him: the firs were envious of his boughs; the chestnuts desired his branches: no other tree possessed his beauty. The entire garden of Eden envied him.

“Nonetheless, this fair cedar shall be brought down, with all the trees of Eden, unto the nether parts of the earth. Thus, Yahweh judges every Empire.”

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18

Yahweh also said: “Mortal, tell the children of your people: The righteousness of a good man shall not deliver him on the day he turns bad. And the wickedness of a bad man shall not cause him to fall if he turns toward the good.

“If I say to a good man: ‘You shall surely live,’ but then he turns bad and commits atrocities, all his goodness shall not be remembered; but for his harmful acts he shall reap misfortune.

“Again, if I say to a bad man: ‘You shall surely die,’ but then he turns good and acts harmoniously with compassion, and he stops following Mammon; instead he begins performing what is beautiful and humane, and he restores what he has robbed through the collecting of interest, and he returns what he has deceitfully gained by way of other financial fees; then, for his righteous behavior, he shall be happified. None of his offenses shall be remembered.

“Now the children of your people will say: ‘The way of God is not fair!’ But I say to them: ‘Your way is not fair.’ When the good turns bad and does harm, he shall meet his demise. But if the bad turns good and helps others, he shall live thereby.

“If, at this point, there is anyone left questioning the fairness of my judgment, I will come forth and judge you personally by slapping your face.”

§

Also the Lord Yahweh said to me: “Listen, mortal. The people of your country are still talking about you with suspicion, whispering about you behind closed doors and around the corners of their houses: They speak one to another, saying: ‘Come and hear what this mad prophet claims the Volcano has said.’ And they come in groups to observe what you shall speak, and they sit before you and hear your words, but they will never do them: They will never change their harmful ways and act harmoniously, because they are addicted to money, and the opportunists care only about advancing their careers. So, you are to them like a lovely song sung by a pleasant voice: for they enjoy the mere sound of your words, but they will never consider your meaning and perform lovingkindness. But when the present age passes (and, lo, it will pass), then shall they know that a prophet has been among them.”

Ezekiel, 2nd quarter

[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 9 = 12; 10 = 16; 11 = 17; 12 = 22; 13 = 23.]

9

Yahweh said to me: “Mortal, pack all your belongings into your prophet’s bindle, as if you were being evicted from your house. Then go bursting through your side wall instead of taking the front door. Do this in the sight of all your countryfolk.”

So, I did as I was instructed by the Lord. Holding my bindle over my shoulder, I left home by breaking through the fourth wall, in the people’s sight.

Then the word of Yahweh came unto me, saying: “Mortal, has the population of Eldorado asked you: ‘What are you doing?’ Well, then tell them: ‘I am a portent unto you. Just as you see me being kicked out of my house, with no time to use the door, so shall all the dwellers in this city be forced to leave their houses in haste. For everyone shall be taken into captivity.’”

§

Moreover Yahweh said to me: “Mortal, eat your food while quaking and trembling. Then say to your audience: ‘Thus says the Volcano unto the inhabitants of Eldorado: You shall eat your meals in fear, because this land will be made desolate.’”

§

God also said: “Mortal, what is this proverb that I have heard everyone saying, when they say: ‘Yahweh’s doomsday warnings concern events so far in the future that they might never happen.’ Tell these people: ‘You should stop spreading this saying, and instead you should say: “Doom is just around the corner, it will surely happen any minute now.”’”

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10

Again Yahweh came and told me: “Mortal, cause the caravan to know her history. Thus says the Volcano unto the caravan:

“You were born in Cambridge; your father was a Columbian, and your mother went to Cornel. These parents of yours abandoned you: they did not cut your navel cord or wash you off or swaddle you: they just dropped you in an open field.

“Then I passed by and saw you there, polluted in your own blood. When I saw you all bloody, I said to you: ‘Live!’ – for I did not want you to die; and when I say something, it happens.

“Then you grew up, and became a young woman: you developed breasts, and your hair grew long; but you were still naked and bare.

“Now I passed by you again, and looked, and behold, you were ripe for marriage, so I made a proposal: and we entered into a covenant of love,” says the Volcano, “and you became mine. Then I bathed you, and washed off all the blood; and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you with fine garments, and decked you with ornaments. I put a crown upon your head. You were extremely beautiful. The whole world admired you.

“Then, seeing how our neighbors all found you attractive, you started to engage in love affairs with them, and you revealed your nakedness to them. Soon you began to hop into bed with every stranger who passed by. And you became pregnant, time and again: Some of the children were mine; others were sired by our neighbors; and a few we never could figure out who had fathered.

“Then you began to wait on the corner of every street, and go to every high place in the land, and stand wearing almost no clothing, and offer passersby gifts to lie with you. Your appetite was insatiable.

“Now, because you are so rarely at home, I desire to re-establish our marriage vows, so that I can enjoy your company again. Do you remember me, your first husband?” says the Lord Yahweh. “Ah, how I long to spend some quality time with you.”

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11

And Yahweh came to me and said: “Mortal, put forth a riddle; speak a parable unto the caravan, and say as follows.

“A great eagle flew toward the highest Christmas tree in the world, and when it came near, it plucked off the angel figurine from the treetop. Then this eagle dropped the angel into a bottomless pit of burning fire.

“The same eagle also planted some seed in a field. The seed grew into a vine. And the eagle longed to feel the embrace of this vine’s branches.

“Then there came flying into the world a second great eagle, and the vine of the first eagle shot forth her branches toward this newcomer.

“Now tell me which is the correct answer to this dilemma:

“Choice A. The first great eagle who did the planting should pull the adulterous vine up by its roots, and peck all its fruit to pieces, and choke it to death, and make it wither.

“Choice B. The brokenhearted bird should fly down into the pit and marry the angel figurine that it discarded.”

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12

Yahweh came and told me the reason that the caravan shall be taken captive:

“Behold, your leaders are all knee-deep in bloodshed. They have humiliated parents. They have oppressed the stranger and foreigner in your midst. They have cheated and wronged the fatherless and the widow. They have refused to allow the workforce any time off to rest. Deceivers among you acquire wealth by killing competitors. Bribery is rampant. Businessmen murder for profit. They charge interest: a thing which I am dead-set against. The higher-ups achieve power by extortion; every neighbor is compromised. All gains are ill-gotten. The main source of income is weaponry.

“Because of all this, your leadership has become dross. Therefore, this is what I Yahweh say unto you: As silver is gathered into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it, so will I gather you in my fury, and I will leave you there in the fire. Thereby will I remove all your dross, and purify your metal.”

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13

Then Yahweh told this story:

“Listen, mortal. Once upon a time, there were two women, who were sisters. They were whores in Egypt. They had been prostitutes since their youth. The elder sister’s name was Angela, and the younger was Christa. I married them both. (For these two sisters represent the caravan: Angela is the north, and Christa is the south.)

“Now Angela continued working as a prostitute after we wed. She doted upon her lovers, on the horsemen from Big Funland: captains and rulers. Angela whored around with them. Her promiscuous ways did not stop when I brought her out of Egypt.

“I allowed Angela to have pleasure with her lovers, the horsemen from Big Funland, on whom she doted; for I am not a jealous husband. And she bore sons and daughters to them.

“Then when her sister Christa saw this, she was encouraged in her own promiscuity, and she became even more inordinate in her love life: she out-whored the whoredoms of her sister.

“She doted upon the horsemen of Big Funland likewise; both sisters followed the same path, but Christa whored more.

“Then one day Christa saw an advertisement for the horsemen of Wonderland, which depicted their sturdy loins; and she lusted after these lovers, and she sent messages unto Wonderland asking their horsemen to come and visit her. And the Wonderlanders galloped full-speed into her bed of love, and they caused her cup of whoredoms to overspill.

“So both these sisters whom I had married kept unveiling to strangers their nakedness and indulging in endless lovemaking. They multiplied their whoredoms, thus causing their early life as harlots in Egypt to look chaste in comparison.

“They lusted after concubinage with their paramours, whose members surpassed the size of donkeys’, and whose seminal discharge exceeded that of stallions.

“Ah, my wives Angela and Christa, you sure have come a long way since your youth. I remember the first time I saw you: with all those Egyptians clutching your paps and squeezing your teats.”

Here Yahweh sighed. And then he said to me:

“Mortal, how should I judge my wives? What appraisal can one make of Angela and Christa? Here is what I did: When I saw how excited they were to receive a visit from the Wonderlanders, I said to them: ‘Go, paint your eyes, deck yourself with ornaments, prepare a table for the horsemen, sprawl yourselves upon our stately bed, perfume yourselves, oil up your flesh, don your finest jewels, put on your bracelets and your crowns.’

“We heard a multitude of hooves coming from afar. Then I said unto this pair who was so experienced in adulteries: ‘It sounds like they are approaching. Are you ready for whoredoms?’

“The Wonderlanders burst through the bedroom door, and they went in unto Angela and Christa. Then, when they were finished, they took my wives with them back into Wonderland. – Now, mortal, what do you say: Should I have tried to stop them? They seemed so happy, riding off into the sunset.”

The Book of Ezekiel, pt. 1 of 4

[This entry's sections correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible like so: 1–4 = same; 5 = 7; 6 = 8; 7 = 9; 8 = 11.]

1

In the thirtieth year (of what, I know not; I am only sure that it was indeed the thirtieth year), on day five of month four, I saw God.

He came to me in a vortex that was on fire and smoking. Its aperture opened, revealing the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron: his hair hung over his face down past his feet; so all that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were like the eyes of a goat.

2

“Mortal,” he said, “stand up. Let us talk.”

So I stood at attention.

“Open up,” he said. “Eat this.” And he held in his hand a scroll that had curses written all over it, front and back; and he put this into my mouth.

3

The scroll tasted as sweet as honey to me.

God said: “Speak the words of this scroll to the other wayfarers.”

Then a wind picked me up and put me down by the river where the wayfarers were encamped. And for a whole week I sat among the captives of the caravan wholly dumbstruck.

Then at the end of my week of speechless astonishment, the word of God came to me, saying: “Mortal, I am appointing you to be a watchman over these wayfarers. I will tell you if any man behaves badly, and you must then alert that man to change his ways: I will hold you responsible for notifying each man of his unrighteous actions; but it will be his own fault whether or not he responds to your warning.”

Then God said to me: “Go out to the rolling plains. I’ll speak to you there.”

So I went out to the rolling plains: and, behold, God was standing, looking just as he had earlier. And he said to me: “Go to your house, and shut yourself inside. You shall remain bound there, and your tongue shall freeze up, so you will not be able to speak. Only when I speak with you, I will open your mouth, and you shall say to the people ‘Thus says Lord Yahweh’.”

4

“Also, mortal, construct a miniature model of Eldorado, and lay siege against it. This shall be a sign to the caravansary. Lie upon your left side, to signify the wrongdoing of the northern wayfarers: lie like this for three hundred and ninety days. Then flip over and lie on your right side, for the wrongs of the south: do this for forty days. I have appointed you each day for a year. Thus shall you set your face toward the siege of Eldorado, and you shall prophesy against it. And, behold, I will bind you, so you shall not be able to budge until you have ended the days of the siege. Also take the type of food that the wayfarers should expect to eat during this time: wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and fitches – combine all these to make bread; and this is what you shall eat for all those days when you are lying on your side. Ration yourself out very small portions; drink water by measure as well. And bake the bread with human dung, in the sight of all, so that the population can know how bad things will get.”

Then I cried: “O my god, Yahweh, please consider that I have never polluted my soul the way that you suggest I should do now. I beg you to lighten this burden.”

Then he said to me: “Lo, I will allow you to substitute cow dung, just for your prophetic example; but let the people know that when the actual tragedy happens, they will be cooking with human dung.”

Then Yahweh God said: “Now listen, mortal. Take a barber’s razor, and use it to shave off all your hair. Then divide the hair that you removed into three equal heaps: burn one of the thirds amid the model city that you built; take another third and chop it up with a knife; and scatter the final third to the wind – I will go chase this third third with my sword. But save a few of the hairs and tuck them into your skirt, for safekeeping. Then, after you’re finished with all this, if you happen to find any loose hairs that did not get dealt with, sweep them up and toss them into the fire; because a fire shall soon come chasing after the caravan.”

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5

Moreover, the word of Yahweh came to me, saying: “Also, mortal, tell the caravan this message from the Volcano:

“Doom! Doom! This is the end! It’s all over now! An evil, an exclusive evil is coming! Time’s up, The day of trouble is here at last! Let not the buyer strategize, nor the seller calculate: for wrath is upon all. They shall dump their silver in the streets, and flee from their gold: their silver and their gold shall not be able to save them in the day of the wrath of the Volcano: they shall not satisfy their desires, neither fill their guts: because their wealth is the stumblingblock of their iniquity.”

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6

One day, I was at my house, and the moguls of the select committee of the southern caravan were there with me.

Then the Volcano manifested, and behold: there was the appearance of a wild man with abundant hair, and the eyes of a goat, according to the vision that I saw before. And he put forth his hand and gripped my neck, and brought me with him into Eldorado.

7

Then he cried with a loud voice, saying, “Draw near, all you men in charge of the city.” And, behold, six men came up, and each one had a slaughter weapon in his hand, except one who was clothed with linen, who had a writer’s inkhorn by his side. Yahweh said to this last man: “Go through the city, and set a mark on the foreheads of any souls you can find who have taken no part in the corruption that has overrun Eldorado.” And to the others he said: “Follow him, and smite without pity anyone who lacks the mark.”

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8

Then God’s wind lifted me up, and brought me unto the east gate of the Temple of the Hairy One: and behold at the front door there were twenty-five moguls; among whom I saw Monsieur Chevrolet and Mister Ford.

Then Yahweh said to me: “Mortal, these are the men that devise mischief, and give wicked counsel in this city. Therefore, prophesy against them! Prophesy, O mortal!”

And the Spirit of the Volcano blew through me, and said from my mouth: “O moguls of the caravan, I know the things that come into your mind, every one of them! You have multiplied your murders in this city, and you have filled the streets with the slain. Therefore, thus says the volcano of potential: I will break forth upon you. Burning lava will engulf you.”

And it happened that, when I prophesied, Monsieur Chevrolet dropped dead. Then I turned to Yahweh and cried with a loud voice, saying: “Ah, Lord Yahweh! Will you make a full end of all the caravansary’s merchandisers?”

And Yahweh God said: “I will gather any of the people who are willing to let their hardheartedness soften. I will put a new spirit within them; and I will take the stony heart out of their bosom, and will give them an heart of flesh. But as for those whose heart yearns after their detestable things, I will recompense their way upon their own heads.”

Then did the cherubims lift up their wings and make water upon the automobile beside them, as a warning unto Chevrolet’s compeer Ford.

And the vortex of the LORD went up from the midst of the city, and landed atop the mountain which is on the east side of Eldorado.

Afterwards the wind of God took me up, and brought me back to the captives by the river. And I told them all the things that Yahweh had showed me.

The end of the scroll of Jeremiah

[This entry's sections correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible like so: 19 = 29; 20 = 30; 21 = 31; 22 = 33; 23 = 34; 24 = 36.]

19

The following is the content of the letter that the prophet Jeremiah sent from Eldorado unto the residue of the caravan that was carried away captive by President Ozymandias into Wonderland.

Thus says the Lord Yahweh, our god, unto all you who have been taken captive out of Eldorado by the president of Wonderland. Build houses, and dwell in them. Plant gardens, and eat the fruit of them. Take wives, and beget sons and daughters. Also take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, to bear children and to increase your numbers. Behave peaceably within Wonderland, and pray to Yahweh for its wellbeing. For thus says Yahweh:

“After seventy years have passed with you living in Wonderland, I will visit you, and perform my good news toward you. For the thoughts that I think toward you are thoughts of prosperity, and not of terror. Then shall you and I live together again, in harmony: we will listen to each other, and our hearts shall beat as one. Your leaders were the problem: Know that I, the Lord Yahweh, will send upon them the sword, and famine, and the pestilence; I will cause them to resemble vile figs, which cannot be eaten, they are so evil. I hate your leaders; so I will remove them, and make them to be a curse, and an astonishment, and a hissing, and a reproach, among all nations.”

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20

Yahweh God said to Jeremiah: “Write down on a scroll all the words that I have spoken unto you.”

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21

Thus says Lord Yahweh: “Behold, in the coming days, I will make a New Deal with the united caravan. It will not be like the contract that I signed with their ancestors in the day when I led the entire workforce out of Egypt: for that was a marriage covenant, and I was a good husband, but they did not desire me, so we got divorced. But here are the details of this New Deal that I will agree to: I will put my wisdom inside of all, and write my oracles on your inward parts, and pump divinity into your heart: then together we shall become one People: one God. So no one will need to teach his neighbor, or act as a leader to his sibling, or wield authority in any way: for each soul shall have me within her interior heaven, alive and ready to speak and act through intuition. And we shall live in perpetual forgiveness: no debts shall ever be remembered.”

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22

One day, Jeremiah said: “Thus says the Lord Yahweh: If you can break my contract with the day, and break my contract with the night, so that there should not be day and night in their succession, then also you might break my covenant in which I guaranteed to dwell within each heart.”

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23

Now President Zookeeper made a covenant with all the people who were at Eldorado, to proclaim liberty unto any servants that they kept among them, and to let all their slaves go free. The entire populace agreed to this covenant, and they obeyed its terms: thus, all the servants and slaves were freed and given liberty.

However, afterward, the populace reneged on their agreement, and breached the contract: the people whom they had freed were thus caused to return to subjection; and the previous owners among the populace re-established the servitude and enslavement of their former servants and slaves.

Therefore the word of the volcano of potential came to Jeremiah from Yahweh God, saying: “Thus says the Volcano, the savior of the caravan: I made a deal with your ancestors in the day that I rescued them from the Empire of Egypt, where they were forced to labor as servants and slaves; I told them: ‘I am utterly against all forms of indentured servitude and coerced employment: anything inharmonious is anathema. Debt is my adversary; I abhor slavery.’ Your ancestors heard this, and they took it to heart, for a time; but eventually they fell into the same evil habits as the Empire that I originally saved them from. So, on account of your ancestors’ backsliding, you all grew up with slaves and servants and underpaid employees. Now recently you had done well, in proclaiming liberty for all: I was elated with you for that. But then you polluted this goodness by turning around and re-enslaving all whom you had freed. Therefore the Volcano says: ‘Since you have failed to release your slaves from servitude, I shall release you from freedom into captivity. And your leaders who encouraged you to engage in such vile practices, I will release unto the sword, and famine, and pestilence. And their dead bodies shall serve as meat for the beasts of the earth.’”

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24

Now President Jah-rump issued an executive order about the prophet Jeremiah; so, all over Eldorado, there were posters displayed, having Jeremiah’s likeness upon them, with the words “Wanted: Dead or Alive” emblazoned across the top, and the phrase “or Alive” was crossed out.

So Jeremiah went into hiding. Then he summoned his secretary, and said to him: “Dear Baruch, my trustworthy secretary, thank you for coming. The reason I called you here is that I would like to send a prophecy to the people of the caravan, but I cannot go to the Temple of the Hairy One in person, because of the president’s executive order. So, here is what I propose. I shall recite my prophecy here to you, and you shall write my words down on a scroll, as I speak them.”

So Baruch the secretary of Jeremiah wrote as the prophet prophesied, until the scroll was filled. Then Baruch took the scroll to the temple, and he read the words of Jeremaiah in front of the populace.

After this reading, Baruch was confronted by the spiritual leadership of the caravan – all those self-styled yogis and gurus, the rabbis, and all the priests and pastors – they said to Baruch: “Give us this scroll from Jeremiah; we must inform the president of its contents.”

Then the caravan’s spiritual leadership took the scroll and handed it over to President Jah-rump. And Jah-rump told everyone to gather around and sit down in front of the fireplace, and the president then read aloud the scroll of Jeremiah; and, as he finished each prophecy, he tore off that section and let it drop into the fire. In this way did President Jah-rump ridicule Jeremiah, and he burnt up the entire scroll that contained all his prophecies. Then the president issued another executive order to assassinate Baruch; but the Volcano hid him.

Then the secretary Baruch went and told Jeremiah what had happened: how the scroll had been taken by the caravan’s spiritual leadership, and how the president had burnt it. So the prophet Jeremiah then had his secretary Baruch sit before him and take dictation again; and Jeremiah recited all his prophecies a second time, while Baruch wrote them down on a fresh scroll. And there were many works added to this new collection that had not been published in the first one.

The third quarter of the scroll of Jeremiah

[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 15 = 25; 16 = 26; 17 = 27; 18 = 28.]

15

A message from Yahweh, to those people from the caravan who live in Sweet Beulah Land and Eldorado:

“You shall serve the president of Wonderland seventy years. Then, when that time is passed, I will punish the president of Wonderland for going too far: and his country, in turn, will become enslaved by other nations. Because I utilize one nation to punish another, until that punishing nation crosses the line: then I punish the punisher with yet further nations of punishers, and so on and so forth. Thus, my karmic system of circulating punishment resembles a perpetual motion machine.”

Then the Volcano said unto me: “Jeremiah, take from my hand this wine cup of fury. Now I will send you to many nations, and you must cause them all to drink of it. And when they drink, they shall convulse, and act deranged.”

Then I took the cup of fury from Yahweh’s hand, and made all the nations drink it, namely: Israel, Egypt, Uz, Edom, Ammon, Tyre, Zidon, the Happy Isles, Dedan, Tema, Buz, Arabia, the wilderness, Zimri, Elam, Eldorado, Las Vegas, Scandinavia, Purgatory, Europe, Eden, Pandemonium, and Canada.

And Yahweh told me to shout the following announcement to all these places, as they drank from his wine cup of fury: “Thus saith God: Drink, and get drunk, and spew, and pass out!” The Lord Yahweh forced me to do these things.

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16

At the beginning of southern President Jah-rump’s term, the word of Yahweh came to Jeremiah, saying: “Stand directly in the entryway to the LORD’s house, and shout the following message at everyone, just in case anyone will listen and change their behavior. Say: ‘The Volcano hereby warns you that he will destroy this place and make the whole nation desolate.’”

Now all the self-styled spiritual leaders heard this announcement – all the priests and rabbis and pastors and yogis and gurus – and when Jeremiah stopped shouting it, they went up and told him: “You shall surely die. Why have you prophesied in the name of the Volcano that this place and its nation shall be destroyed and made desolate?” And all the leaders ganged up against Jeremiah in the Temple of the Hairy One.

Then Jeremiah answered all the spiritual leaders of the caravan, saying: “Yahweh God told me what to prophesy, and he instructed me not to change one single word. Therefore, amend your ways and your doings, and the LORD will repent him of the evil that he has pronounced against you. As for me, behold, I am in your power: Do with me whatever you desire. But know that if you put me to death, you will have innocent blood on your hands; for I have spoken the truth.”

Then the spiritual leaders of the caravan said to themselves: “On second thought, this man is not worthy to die: for he has only relayed to us the words of our god.” And one of them mentioned a fact from history, saying: “The respectable seer Micah prophesied in days past that Sweet Beulah Land shall be plowed like a field, and Eldorado shall become heaps. But did that era’s president and his select committee put Micah to death? No, they listened to Micah’s message, and they changed their evil ways. Maybe we should do the same for Jeremiah.”

But then another of the gurus brought up a bit of recent news, saying: “We all know that just a few days ago, the popular prophet Urijah railed against this city, and against the whole leadership of the caravan, with a tirade much like Jeremiah’s. And when President Jah-rump and his regime heard Urijah’s speech, they sought to put him to death: but the prophet heard about their intention, so he fled and escaped into Egypt. So, President Jah-rump sent paramilitaries into Egypt, and they fetched forth Urijah and brought him back, and the president slew him with the sword, and cast his corpse into the city dump. So far, no bad curse has fallen upon President Jah-rump for executing Urijah. What’s stopping us from treating Jeremiah the same? I say we stone him.”

Thus did the spiritual leadership remain on the fence about whether to put Jeremiah to death.

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17

In the beginning of President Jah-rump’s term, the LORD God said to Jeremiah: “Make a yoke, and fasten it around your neck. Now go visit the leaders of all those nations where I recently sent you: the places that drank the wine cup of my wrath. Tell them: ‘Thus says the Volcano: “By my great power I created the earth, and humans, and beasts that creep on the ground. Now I have given all these things into the hand of President Ozymandias of Wonderland. All of you shall serve him, and his son, and his son’s son. And if any of you refuse to put your neck under the yoke of Wonderland, I will punish that nation with sword, with famine, and with pestilence, until I have utterly consumed it. So do not listen to your prophets, nor to your diviners, nor to your dreamers, nor to your enchanters, nor to your sorcerers, which speak pleasant words to you, saying: ‘Ye shall not serve the president of Wonderland.’ For they prophesy a lie.”’”

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18

So President Zookeeper of the southern caravan received a visit from Jeremiah, who was wearing his yoke. And the prophet said: “Bring your necks under the yoke of the president of Wonderland. Serve him, and live. Otherwise, you will die by sword, famine, and pestilence. Do not listen to any prophets who tell you differently: God has not sent them; they utter deception.”

Then, when Jeremiah was done shouting, the prophet Hananiah from Cambridge stepped forward and answered Jeremiah to his face, in front of the president and all the moguls of the select committee; and Hananiah said: “Thus says the Heavenly Father of Jesus Christ: Behold, in two years, I will bring back all the spoils that have been taken, and I will bring back also all the captives of the southern caravan: I shall break the yoke of the president of Wonderland.”

Then the prophet Jeremiah answered the prophet Hananiah in the presence of all, and he said: “Amen! May Yahweh do so: I hope that he does truly bring back all the spoils and the captives! Nevertheless, hear now this word. The prophets that came before us prophesied many prophecies: of peace, and of war. A prophet shall be known as true if his word comes to pass: that is the proof that the LORD has sent him. So, if what Hananiah has spoken actually happens in two years, then we will know that he is the mouthpiece of God; but if events transpire as I say they shall, and the captives and spoils remain in Wonderland, then Hananiah here shall be exposed as a false lying prophet.”

Then Hananiah came over and took the yoke from off Jeremiah’s neck, and broke it. And Hananiah spoke in the presence of all the people, saying: “Thus says the Heavenly Father of Jesus Christ: Even so will I break the yoke of Ozymandias, president of Wonderland; I will remove it from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years.”

And the prophet Jeremaiah walked away.

Time passed, after this event. Then Jeremiah came back to Hananiah and said: “Thus says the Lord Yahweh: You have broken a yoke of wood, but I shall make for them yokes of iron. And I will put these iron yokes upon the neck of all the nations, to serve the president of Wonderland: and I have even given him the wild beasts.”

And Jeremiah recited a bonus prophecy directed straight at the prophet Hananiah, saying:

“Hear now, Hananiah. Yahweh God has not sent you; but you are luring this people to trust in a falsehood. Therefore, thus says Yahweh: Within a year, you shall surely die.”

So Hananiah the prophet died that same year, in the seventh month.