The first steps in fulfilling an ancient agreement

(Cont.)

Now Moses announced to the people of his workforce that they should continue to indulge in the ongoing celebration, and to keep the merrymakings alive; for these worshippers of the LORD, the people of Baal-Peor, possessed a secret to happiness, and they were a key aspect of the Volcano’s blessing.

Then, behold, one of the laborers from the caravan came and offered unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the workforce, who were tangoing before the door of the LORD, in the canopied ballroom (which was one of the many varieties of the Tabernacle of Potential that the locals had established in that realm of the sticks).

And when Man, the mechanical offspring of Satyajit, the robot son of Old King Bryan, discerned that the damsel mentioned above was liable, at that moment, to receive the seed of promise, right there on the dance floor (for her partner was Yeshua the Zealot), he radioed Yahweh in his vortex, who then punched in some figures on his computer, which confirmed that the instant was ripe, as the stars were aligned; therefore the Almighty commanded his phantom generator to print out a Blessing of Conception in the form of a spiritual javelin, which he took in his mighty hand, and launched it forth with his mighty arm, and it traveled across the woods and rivers of the landscape, until it skewered both dancers through the belly: Thus did he keep his promise to the workers of the world, and their happiness was secure. Also it was rumored that this babe would become the “Star that holds a Scepter,” which was prophesied in Balaam’s poem to Balak.

But, hold on to your wig; for much more than One Promised Star was kindled that eventide: Lo, it turned out that, as a result of these festivities, more than twenty and four thousand children were procreated. And most of these conceptions occurred during the same magic window of opportunity that opened in spacetime, on the dance floor, during that number. For it is just as easy for a true god to make many miracles as it is to make one: he simply generates more javelins; and his throwing arm never tires.

And, when they next met, the wild man spoke unto Moses, saying: “I wish to reward Emmanuel, the mechanical grandson of Old King Bryan, whom everyone calls Man, the offspring of Bryan’s firstborn robot Satyajit. For this ‘Man’ really came in handy: he helped me fulfill my contract with Abram, the original patriarch, by devoutly alerting me when the conditions of fertility became optimal among the female populaces – that of the workforce, and that of Midian. He just used old-fashioned radio waves to transmit his message; he didn’t even send an angel. But his information proved accurate, and it included graphs charting everything from body temperature to changes in the consistency of cervical mucus. That was decisive in commencing the whole ‘increase and multiply’ phase of my masterplan. Without Emmanuel’s intercession, we might have ended up needing to cycle out yet another full generation of unhappy campers, before being able to get the ball rolling. Wherefore, as I said, I’d like to honor him with an award: so I drew up this contract, which I call my Covenant of Peace; and he shall have it, and his seed after him – it is a commitment to provide him with an everlasting priesthood. It’s basically a renewal of the same deal that I made with Bryan, which automatically transferred to his dynasty anyway; but since the boy is a bot, I wanted to emphasize that he is altogether as important as a real human child, in the eyes of his fathers.”

And the name of the Midianitish woman that tangoed on the tiles of the ballroom that night with Yeshua was Lilith. She is that same one that you have heard so much about. And all the good gossip is true.

A conclusion and a turning

(Cont.)

After an interval, Balaam faced King Balak and said: “Before I return to my home, let me advertise for you what the fate of all workers shall be in the latter days – for it might console you . . .”

Then Balaam drew forth from his prophet’s mantle a copy of the following dark saying:

Balaam, the son of Peor 

Who hears the words of God, 

Who knows the knowledge of the Most High, 

Now perceives the vision of the Almighty, 

Falling into a trance, but having his eyes open – 

What I see is not immediate and near 

But far later and distant:

The workforce that left the Empire shall bring forth a Star that holds a Scepter. Not one nation alone but all nations together shall benefit: for the result will be peace and harmony.

The workers of the world shall be at peace with Eurasia, and Russia shall be a friend to all nations.

I now look toward Africa. I pound my gut and shout: ‘Africa!’ You are the first of the nations, and in the end shall be the heart of the earth. Peacetime forever, and the workers’ best friend.

The workers in Asia will do valiantly. They shall be friends with all the world. Their cities shall flourish.

North America: strong is your dwellingplace. Wisely and firmly, you have established your nest in a rock. All the nations within you: Saint Kitts and Nevis; Trinidad and Tobago; Antigua and Barbuda; Belize, the Bahamas, and Barbados – these shall be workers’ paradises.

O how lucky for those people who are alive when the LORD accomplishes this future!

And ships shall come from the coast of Antarctica bearing warmth and love to all. It shall be a time of peace, and there shall be friendship forever:

Peacetime and friendship for South America. The same for Europe. Also for Oceania, peacetime and friendship.

Thus sang the uncouth swain. Then Balaam rose up, twitched his mantle, and returned to his hut with the dream-angels that Balak had gifted him. King Balak also went his way.

§

Now, as Balak and Balaam departed from Mount Peor, the armies of Moses continued their slaughter below.

And this rogue band of raiders that Moses was attempting to chaperone spilled over into the sticks, east of the river where Balaam’s hut was located, and into the plains and the woodsy areas of the wild where King Balak’s people lived. (As was mentioned earlier, the Midianites abode there too.)

So the ex-workforce, which had escaped the Empire, was now a butchering army in the wilderness. And this multitude of murderers showed up on the doorstep of the daughters of the mountain-folk.

It was tense at first. Fear was in the air, when the ex-workers appeared in the area; because the locals assumed, with good cause, that the armies of Moses would break forth upon them. They imagined that these thugs would go berserk, and that there would be a great clash, with much bloodshed and mass death.

But then, graciously, all the dwellers in the sticks came out and welcomed these hardened killers. For they believed in treating every stranger as an incognito god.

Now, since these hill dwellers dared to make themselves vulnerable; and they offered the intruders hospitality, instead of resisting with force – they opened their arms and embraced them as siblings – the potential disaster turned into an orgy of delights. And it lasted a long time.

The wandering workforce was invited to attend picnics with the rustics. Just as the Volcano had originally instructed them to do, the multitudes of Moses mixed and mingled with these foresters. And some of the Midianites joined in as well, and they brought the warriors into contact with more of the deities from their pantheon; for they saw that these people only knew about Yahweh, whereas Peor had other children. And the labor force finally, in an official and civilized setting, got to meet Baal-Peor, the giant jinn whom the Volcano had summoned to solve his scientific dispute against the Church in that earlier episode.

Thus, they introduced their guests to their gods, with whom they made merry.

Then the LORD appeared in his vortex atop Mount Peor. And Moses saw the fire and the smoke, so he turned to his companions and said: “I will be right back.”

And when Moses ascended the mountain, he saw that the wild man with the goat eyes was standing just within the portal of the gyre. Before approaching, Moses removed his bloody boots (all his garments were bloodstained from the recent conquests); then he said: “It has been a long time, O friend. Pardon the state of my attire; we have run into some trouble – I’m not sure if you know . . .”

And the LORD said to Moses: “I am aware. I have been keeping an eye on matters, from a distance. Your group had me worried for a spell, I will not lie. But I am heartened by the recent developments. This is very refreshing, what you are accomplishing here. Good job.”

Moses bowed and said: “I thank you.” Then, after an awkward silence, he added: “Is that all?”

And the wild man replied: “That is all, yes. I only wanted to pay a quick visit; to give you a little reassurance, so that you could in turn reassure your people. Also, if you see your son Balak, whom, as you probably know, these folks who live in my homeland have elected as their leader, give him a friendly ribbing, and rub it in a bit that he should have trusted me instead of doubting me. For he called my brother Balaam and got him involved in trying to filibuster your filibuster – I mean, your lad tried to halt by supernatural means what he anticipated would be your string of deadly conquests. But I wagered all along that your division would soften, if only they could be given a favorable reception. So, tease Balak about this, for me.”

Moses bowed and answered: “I will do so.”

Then, as he was preparing to descend the mount, Moses turned and added: “How are things going with your part of the workforce, by the way?”

And, while the portal of the vortex was closing upon its interior’s brazen distances, the Volcano replied: “Ah, the rest of the multitudes are doing very well, continuing to mix and mingle throughout East Asia.” Then the aperture snapped shut, and the gyre flamed off into the troposphere.

One last try to appeal to an unresponsive judge

(Cont.)

And Balak brought Balaam to the top of Mount Peor, where the LORD himself resides, from which place one can see the whole of the Middle of Nowhere, known as Jeshimon, where the freebooters were wilding. And Balaam gazed upon the horrors. Soon, he said: “Enough. Bring seven grills, and prepare seven bullocks and rams.”

So Balak did as Balaam instructed, and they commenced to barbecue.

§

When Balaam returned from the fiery vortex atop Mount Peor, he proceeded not, as at the other times, to chant a spell at his companions on behalf of Yahweh, but instead he turned resolutely and faced the frenzied, blood-spattered gang of despoilers below, as they were pillaging in the wild land. Balaam fixed his attention upon this remainder of the workforce from the Empire; and the spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he addressed the mob directly, saying:

Balaam, the son of Peor 

Whose eyes are open, knowing wisdom 

Is hearing now the passion of his brother:  

Yahweh Peor is casting a trance, 

The vision of truth is before us: 

How wonderful are your tabernacles, 

Your habitations, O you workers of the world, 

You who outmaneuvered the Empire! 

You shall be as the valley of paradise, 

As the garden by the river’s side, 

As the twin trees that Yahweh planted: 

Which give pure life and open the eyes! 

Higher than Lucifer, 

Higher than David, 

Higher than Adam 

Shall your kingdom be exalted! 

The Almighty saved you from the Empire, 

He who is stronger than a unicorn: 

Now shall you enhance the nations; 

Enrich while receiving enrichment 

From the peoples, each from each: 

Becoming one flesh, all shall increase. 

God damns who damns,  

Praises who praises: 

Each is judged as each has judged, 

And all debts canceled.

Now Balak stood wondering at the content of this utterance. He agreed completely with its sentiment, but he did not understand how the picture it painted of a peaceful world increasing in love and harmony could ever connect with the scene below, where the plundering troops were drunk off murder and rapine. So, after an interval, he said to Balaam the seer:

“I don’t know what else to do. I called you to put a stop to this genocidal group, but three times now you’ve repeated the same idea: ‘Let them continue their brutal rampage,’ you say, ‘because someday they will change and begin to act otherwise.’ It seems that we are in agreement, you and I – or Yahweh the god, or whoever’s view you’ve been channeling – it seems that we are eager to see the same outcome, so our disagreement concerns the speed at which the desired change should occur, and whether or not to interfere. I still don’t understand what the LORD finds so distasteful about disciplining these maniacs – if he were a human parent and they were simply his children, we would say that he is spoiling them – but, for some reason, which I guess shall forever remain a mystery, this one subsection of humankind needs to be allowed to plumb the depths of barbarity while the rest of us remain passive. It makes me wonder why we even have an international law. Should it ever be enforced; and, if not now, when? Ah, before this day, I believed that the LORD was upright and compassionate. I will still worship him (because he is powerful: what can one do?) – but, now that I have seen him in action, I shudder with sorrow for mortal clay.”

And Balaam replied to Balak: “I said that I’m sorry: I even apologized in advance. Remember, I explained to you, through your angels, when they came to me in your prayer-visions: I sent them back to you with a message, saying: ‘Even if Balak would offer me comelier concubines, plus mansions filled with silver and with gold, it would be of no avail, for I will only act in accordance with the volcano of potential.’ You see? I shall never go beyond the word of the LORD, my brother Yahweh, to do less or more.”

Balak and Balaam remained standing there together on Mount Peor, watching the armies of Moses continue their slaughter below.

Another try

(Cont.)

[Balaam has just replied: “I cannot protect your people from the out-of-control troops that are nearby, for I will do nothing but what Yahweh tells me to do.”]

Then Balak said to him: “Look, follow me over to this other peak of the mountain range, where you can see clearly the vanguard of the plunderers: this isn’t even the whole army – it’s just a fragment; the tip of the iceberg – but the bloodshed and despoilation that they are wreaking will turn your stomach. There’s no way that you can behold this and not intervene.”

So Balaam was led up to the Lookout Point atop Pisgah.

After a few moments of gazing upon the scene, Balaam exhaled long and hung his head. “Prepare seven grills, with a bullock and a ram for each,” he said.

“Again?” asked Balak the King.

“Again,” said Balaam.

Then, when the meat was cooking, he addressed Balak and said: “Wait here; keep an eye on the grills, while I meet the LORD yonder.” And he gestured to the mountaintop, where the familiar fire of the vortex had reappeared.

And the wild man with the hirsute carapace was waiting in the smoke beside the portal. His goat eyes were narrowed, and he growled and then spoke as Balaam drew near: “Go tell Balak that I said this . . .”

§

Then, when Balaam came back down and approached the grill-site, lo, there was Balak standing before the steaks, and the angels were with him. And they broke off their conversation when they saw Balaam coming, and Balak said to him: “Well? What did he say?”

And Balaam repeated the dark saying that the Volcano had given him:

Listen, Balak. Focus your attention. 

Digest these words, you son of Zipporah: 

The volcano of potential is not a human, limited in perception, who minces words and prevaricates.  

He is not the son of man, making errors, 
blundering about, fumbling and learning, then changing his mind. 

No: what the Volcano says, goes: 

What he proclaims, he performs. 

Now Balaam has been instructed to bless, 

therefore, he blessed.  

Yet you wish to reverse this blessing with a cursing? 

You desire that I find wrongdoing in my laborers? 

I only see in them the possibility of excellence. 

For this reason, I personally led them out of the Empire.  

(I am stronger than a unicorn.)  

Surely my workforce defies augury, 

Neither is there any divination, nor enchantment,  

which is able to influence my multitudes. 

Otherwise, they might be told what I planned to do. 

But my preference is to coast free-form;  

my preference is even to surprise myself. 

Though I had urged them to mix and mingle, 

as you know, they slid sideways instead. 

Now you see this young pride of lions 

raging, rampaging, ravaging, roaring, 

guzzling up the blood of their prey. 

Do not ask me to soften,  

to smooth, to allay, 

to tone down and lull 

an unstoppable nuclear chain reaction.

And when Balaam was finished reciting this, there was silence. Then, to King Balak, he added: “Again, I’m sorry, but that’s what he said. I really hope that you understand.”

And Balak replied: “No, I get it. That’s how some gods are; it seems madness from my perspective, but, like Blake says, ‘The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man.’ However, as much as I respect the conviction and tenacity of the LORD when it comes to this gang that he has rescued, I still believe that we both – he and I – ultimately desire the same outcome; therefore, I hope that he can forgive me for continuing to pursue my hope for a peaceful resolution.”

Balaam shrugged and said: “I’m right with you, when it comes to that.”

So Balak said: “Well then, since it was never my plea that you outright curse them, would it be disloyal for you at least to abstain from blessing these violent men? For, whenever you speak words favorable to them, reality tends to imitate what you have said; and what we need is for these killers to be dissuaded from any further ransacking, not encouraged to do more.”

But Balaam answered and said to Balak: “I just told you, did I not? Whatever the LORD instructs me, I will do.”

So Balak said to Balaam: “Yes – yes, I see how things are,” and he nodded slowly. Then, after a pause, Balak added: “Come, I pray, let me bring you to one last viewpoint, just in case you might be allowed to make peace from there.”

Seeking protection from a force that’s protected

(Cont.)

Now when Balak heard that Balaam was on his way, he ran out to meet him at an open place in the woodland near the border of the Distant Shores, which is in the utmost coast.

And Balak said to Balaam: “Finally, you have arrived! Did I not tell you that our case is urgent? Why did you stall? I asked you before, and you refused to come! What’s the deal? Are you afraid that I won’t be able to pay your price? Behold, I’m the King here, I have plenty of honors to offer.”

And Balaam answered Balak: “It is not as you think. Look, I am here; but I have no options. I wish I could help, but I am powerless. Here’s the crux: I made a promise to my brother Yahweh that I would not interfere in his endeavor – for, you see, he’s taken a strong interest in the Empire’s workforce. So, these thugs that are threatening you happen to be his thugs; and he’s put too much effort into reforming them to let them face justice. Do you grasp the situation? My heart is with you, but my hands are tied: I can only do as Yahweh says.”

§

Then Balaam accompanied Balak to the center of worship in the sticks, called the Meeting of the Courtyards, which was like their version of the Tabernacle of Potential. There, Balak grilled up some oxen and sheep, and served them to Balaam and to the pair of angels who had come with him.

After this feast, they all retired and had a good night’s rest.

Then, on the morrow, Balak took Balaam up to the Mountain of the LORD. From there, he could see the utmost part of the population. Balaam looked around and said to Balak: “I like it. Nice atmosphere. Listen, why don’t you order seven grills to be hauled up here, so that we can have a barbecue. Bring seven oxen and seven rams; and tell all the people. Perhaps my brother Yahweh will then show up – he loves picnics and celebrations. If he deigns to attend, I’ll talk with him, and see if he’s changed his mind about his stray army.”

So Balak implemented Balaam’s suggestion. And they had a cookout. On every grill, they barbecued a bullock and a ram.

Once the feast was in full swing, Balaam said to Balak: “Stay here and keep an eye on all these grills. I am going to head up to the top of the mount, just in case Yahweh happens to smell our barbecue and is willing to eat. Then, whatever he shows me, I’ll relay it to you, when I return.

So Balaam ascended to the highest point on the mountain, where he could see a fiery vortex waiting with thick black smoke billowing from it. And the wild man with the goat eyes stepped out of the aperture and said: “What’s the occasion for this banquet?”

And Balaam answered: “I had them prepare seven grilling-altars, and we barbecued upon every one of them a bullock and a ram. No special reason, although admittedly I was hoping that you might show up. You’re welcome to join us. Shall I fetch you a plate; or would you like to come down with me and meet the multitudes?”

The wild man replied: “I would normally attend, but this is an awkward interval. I know that King who has summoned you: he’s the son of the prophet I’ve been working with. But he and I are currently in the middle of a dispute. So, do this: bring me up some ram’s meat, and I’ll leave you with a dark saying that you can deliver to the people.”

§

When Balaam returned from dining with the Volcano, as he walked back down the mountaintop, he saw King Balak, son of Moses and Zipporah, standing by his grill, and the pair of angels were with him, as well as other people and angels. When they noticed the prophet Balaam approaching, they all hushed and waited to see what he would say.

Then Balaam lifted his voice and delivered the dark saying from the goat-eyed wild man:

“The word of Yahweh,” Balaam began, “to the people who live in the wilderness. Balak, your Messiah, has called my associate Balaam out of the Highlands – down from the mountains of the east, he summoned him, saying: ‘Utter a malediction against our guests, and bring to ruin these visitants.’ But I, the LORD, am their possessor; for I delivered them among the multitudes, with my own strong arm, and with dazzling miracles. Now I ask you: How shall I allow a magus to curse the very thing that I wish to bless? As I stand here atop this rock, and when I look from the highest hills, I can see the troops that have made you fret: they are lurking through the cities, causing the footpaths to flow with blood. For they are alone: they lack a friend among the nations; and they have no land of their own. But my desire, saith the LORD, is that these travelers meld with the occupants of the dominions hereabout, until their number learns to surpass the number of all the stars of the heavens. Now they have taken a hard-wrong turn: They were tempted beyond their limit. Nevertheless, they remain a concern of the volcano of potential. Therefore, nothing shall be permitted to stop them.”

And when the people of the sticks heard this message, they were perplexed. “We always believed that the LORD was benevolent, and that he would act on behalf of justice.”

Then Balaam replied: “If you are aiming to martyr me because I delivered the mountain god’s words without sugarcoating them, then amen: so be it. I will take pride in such a demise. It pleases me to stay true to my compeer Yahweh; as our friend Blake says: ‘The most sublime act is to set another before you.’ Let me therefore prepare to die the death of the righteous.”

Then King Balak said unto Balaam: “Relax, my friend: no one here wants to kill you. We do not even believe in capital punishment. It is only the international legislation that prescribes such an end for war criminals, if convicted. But you are a poet: no law shall ever restrict your speech. I think that we are all simply questioning the ethics of Yahweh’s decision. It seems uncomplicated that a loose army of thugs who are out of control should be brought to justice. Is that so radical? What is wrong with that idea? Yet when I asked you to use your enchantment just to neutralize the assailants momentarily, so that we can get our bearings on this situation and learn what step to take next; in other words, when I requested that you prevent the slaughter of innocents, you framed this notion as a ‘predilection to curse’; then flipped the script and gave the brigands a blessing!”

But Balaam replied: “I’m sorry, but, as I explained to you already, I will not use my personal influence in this dilemma: I must honor the sacred promise that I made to my colleague, to speak nothing more than what Yahweh puts into my mouth.”

What these ongoing negotiations effectuated

(Cont.)

On the morrow, Balaam rose up and said to the angel of Balak’s dream vision: “Did you sleep well? Ah, that’s good. Yes, my response is ready – I’m afraid I’ll need you to return with a message of refusal: Tell Balak that the Volcano cannot permit me to use my powers for such a purpose at this time.”

So the angel rose up and breakfasted and then flew back to the King and said: “Balak, Balak! I was just with Balaam: we spoke; I delivered your prayer, yet he refused to comply.”

Therefore, Balak spent a heavy amount of karma to send out to the prophet Balaam, by way of dream, a pair of subtler angels, who were even more pleasant to the eyes.

These fresh angels arrived at the hut and said: “Balaam, Balaam! Be not afraid of our bodies. Thus saith Balak the son of Zipporah: Yet once more, I pray that you let nothing hinder you from coming to my aid. Remember that I am the King of this wild land, and I have the power to give you anything that you ask for, whether it be notoriety among the distinguished herdsmen of these parts (for you know that there are many strong voices crying at present herewithin), or simply more succubi: I wish to appease you on behalf of my people. Come, therefore, I prithee, and cast a spell to protect the innocent against these invaders.”

Then Balaam answered the attractive angels and said: “O my dears, I beg your pardon, but, even if the King would offer me several such concubines as yourselves, plus whole mansions filled with silver and with gold; yea, even if he could promise to place my prophecies next to those of Isaiah and Amos in the Eternal Scroll Collection, it would be of no avail, for the choice is not mine to make: I cannot alter the weirdness of the trajectory preëstablished by the Volcano. Therein is my dwelling-place: possibility. (What god, pray tell, can act beyond that?)”

The pair of angels stood in their splendor, looking nonplussed.

Then Balaam added: “Let us do as follows: Both of you tarry here tonight. I’ll consult with the volcano of potential, and see if he has anything more to say about this. Who knows what might happen; this world is full of surprises, and each new moment brims with unforeseen opportunity.”

§

Then the wild man came to Balaam again at night, and he stood in the hut, and the two of them whispered tensely with each other. (They were careful to avoid raising their voices, lest they awaken the sleeping angels.) Finally, the Volcano said to Balaam: “OK, here is how far I am willing to stretch. If the messengers, once they rise, ask you to accompany them, then go ahead and follow; but do not act on your own in this matter: only say what I myself tell you to say.”

So Balaam rose up in the morning, and, after breakfasting with the angels, they all saddled their beasts and set off in the direction of the sticks.

And the wild man, watching them from a discreet distance, narrowed his goat eyes and shook his head slowly: he was upset that the story was taking this shameful turn. For his heart had been set on reforming his workforce, and he still could not believe that events had reached this pass, with the rogue division’s behavior having grown so unruly that it triggered a fellow seer’s intervention.

§

Now there was a type of shrub-like tree that grew in the vicinity, which was a smaller version of a weeping willow, whose long, dense foliage, which was slightly dry in this season, resembled, in a superficial way, the wild man’s lengthy locks. So he went and stood, thus camouflaged, among these bushes, which lined the road that the angels were traveling. There he waited: up ahead, at the bend.

And when the two angels from the vision approached on their palfreys, he let them pass, and they saw him not. Then, when Balaam came following, Yahweh drew his glittering sword, and he posed like the Satan of the Church, boasting a threatening aspect.

And the ass that Balaam was riding noticed the flash of the sword reflecting among the shrubs. Then the beast found its gaze locked in the fanatical stare of the wild man’s goat eyes. Stunned by this, the ass stopped cold and would not move: so Balaam kicked at her sides and repeated: “Gyah! LIGHTSPEED, my little Asherah!”

But Yahweh stood in the way, at the place where the path is flanked by side rails of cacti.

So, instead of moving forward, the ass veered left, which caused Balaam’s foot to be pricked by a cactus. And he cried out “Ow!” and kicked the ass again.

Then Yahweh drew nearer and stood in a narrow place, from which there was no escape.

And when the ass perceived the hopelessness of their situation, she buckled her legs and collapsed beneath her rider: and Balaam, in startled frustration, spanked the ass with his wand.

Then Yahweh opened the mouth of the ass, and she spoke in plain English to Balaam: “What have I ever done to you, to justify your smiting me with your rod?”

And Balaam answered the ass: “I only resorted to using physical force because you keep mocking me, my dear Asherah!”

And the ass answered Balaam: “Am I not the same ass that you have ridden ever since you first found me, grazing the field on the side of Mount Pisgah? Was I ever known to displease you in any way? Did I not treat your every wish as my command?”

And Balaam said: “You are right; you have never acted like this before.” Then, after a moment of thought, he added: “There must be some evil wizard in the vicinity who has cast a spell of enchantment upon you. Yes, now I wish that I had brought along my glittering sword, for then I would cut off your head, to break the curse, so that you could appear before me in your true form, as a beautiful princess! Hmm, I wonder what magician made you metamorphose into a beast like this, and what the terms of your contract are.”

Then the large bush standing before him blinked its goat eyes, and Balaam suddenly grasped that it was his brother Yahweh, obstructing the path with his blade at the ready. Balaam quickly raised his hands and fell flat on his face.

And the wild man said to Balaam: “Why have you struck poor Asherah with your scepter? Look, I came out here to block your path as an adversary, because I feared that you would follow those angels back to the wilderness and then drag my army to court on account of its war crimes. And Asherah spied me here with my sword drawn, withstanding you: that’s why she halted and flinched aside and knelt down, even though you kept kicking her like a madman. If she had not acted so wisely, by now you certainly would have been sliced to pieces – there is no way that I would have been able to avoid breaking forth upon you – for this quandary has really got my goat.”

And Balaam rose to his knees and answered: “I’m sorry, I had no idea that this meant so much to you. Now that I think of it, you were indeed acting a bit more uptight than usual last night; but I never suspected that the situation was this sensitive. And I’m ashamed that I didn’t see you at first, on the pathway – it’s these shrubs, or whatever they are: you sort of blend in.”

A tense moment of silence followed this speech. Then Balaam added: “So, shall I return to my hut?”

And Yahweh answered: “No, you may go ahead with the angels. However, remember: only do what I tell you to do – you may not act on your own, in this matter. And don’t you dare even think about involving the international court.”

So Balaam got back on his ass and went to follow the angels of King Balak into the sticks.

Hashing out the fate of disorderly beloveds

(Cont.)

So Balaam received this prayer from Balak’s dream. And he replied to the angel: “I hear the message of your master. You can lodge here tonight in my hut – I need time to think of what to answer back. Watch your step around the portal, there, in case it opens. You can sleep on that cot. I’ll use the rug – I insist: I need to meditate a communique to the Volcano, anyway; and it’s better if I’m not too comfortable, otherwise I might fall asleep.”

So the angel of the dream-vision from Balak abode with Balaam overnight, while Balaam contacted the wild man with the goat eyes.

And the wild man stepped out of the vortex, taking care not to disturb the sleeping angel; and, removing his shoes, he approached the place where Balaam was reclining. Gesturing with his thumb, the wild man then whispered: “Who’s in the cot?”

Balaam answered the Volcano and said: “You know Balak, the son of Zipporah, who represents the people who live in the sticks? He sent me this messenger by way of a dream, and I told her she could sleep there.”

“Ah,” the wild man nodded. “So, what was the message?”

Balaam said: “Some companies of bandits recently came into the land hereabouts and have been butchering and pillaging. They’re out of control, and Balak’s prayer was for me to cast a spell to calm them down; he’s afraid that otherwise they’ll commit atrocities within the sticks. For there’s a significant number of people who live in that part of the wilderness now.”

Upon hearing this, the wild man slumped and said: “This is just what I was afraid would happen. Those desperados are a division that strayed away from the multitudes of workers that I recently rescued. For I went in and defied the current Empire; then led its entire labor force out of the country. They came to my hill, and we feasted together; and next I was planning on taking them for an excursion and showing them around, so that they could mix and mingle with all the surrounding nations. But they shied away from facing the collegiate sector of the first major city we arrived at; and, before I could boost their spirits and persuade them to try, they split into factions and sped off in several directions pursuing schemes. In truth, ever since the beginning, it’s been one setback after another. None of them have gone fully savage, however, until this latest group of mutineers. When they initially broke away, I sent my man Moses to influence them, but they were apparently too much for him.” Then, after a moment of thought, the wild man added: “I feel sad about the whole project. The people are not uncompassionate, at their core; they just weren’t ready for the bliss that I had planned.” Then he looked up and asked, “Incidentally, what were you aiming to do to them?”

Balaam said, “Well, I was thinking of maybe dissuading them with a lice plague. Or siccing a jinni on them, to step on them.”

But the wild man said: “No, please! not lice. And don’t blot them entirely. I feel responsible for them still, and I think I can steer them toward humanity. They’re the descendants of a couple representative men whom I blessed. I signed a contract, you see.”

Then Balaam nodded and said, “I understand. I’ll hold off. But how long? And what should I tell Balak, and the people in the sticks? Their concern is not unreasonable.”

The wild man encased in long hair exhaled deeply; then replied: “Ay, there’s the rub. To be honest, the more I think about it, the more I lean toward granting the people’s prayer. Those from the badlands, I mean. They’re usually right. That’s why I chose to move out here. The problem is my soft spot for the workforce – after all, it was an initial neglect of the laborers in the Empire that led to this confusion. It’s easy to say, ‘Just give me a generation.’ But I hate to gamble with people’s full lives. I guess I cannot specify exactly how long I’ll require. Why don’t you wait at least forty days. I’ll provide what you need, to stall till then. – And, listen: I’m sorry about this; I owe you one.”

A brief review, some introductory information, and a distress signal

(Cont.)

Now, do you remember Jethro, the Midianite priest? I said that I would never mention him again, but I cannot help myself. Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab, of the people of Midian. – You have no idea what I’m talking about? Alright, I’ll try to bring you up to speed:

When Moses had to escape from the Empire after preventing a would-be slave-killer from killing a slave, he fled to the sticks, in the wilderness, where the Midianites lived; and Moses took refuge at their high priest Jethro’s house. Thus it was from Jethro’s religion that Moses first learned of the god named Yahweh, who was one among the Midian pantheon of deities. Also it was while watching Jethro’s goats that Moses first met the wild man in the vortex, on the side of the hill near Jethro’s abode. Moreover, Moses married Jethro’s daughter, Zipporah, and had two children with her – both boys: one was named Strange Foreign Alien, after the people of the workforce that Moses joined when he renounced his royalty and abandoned the Empire’s intelligentsia. This first son was called Xeno for short. And his other son was named Eloi, which by interpretation means “O God Please Do Not Forsake Me,” on account of his being born during the time when the multitudes were wandering in the wilderness.

Now, returning to our present place in the story, Moses’ wife Zipporah, the daughter of this priest Jethro of the Midianites, gave birth to yet another son, their third, and his name was Balak, which means “Ruler of the Children of the Wasteland,” for this lad was elected King by the people who lived in the sticks.

I should explain that the phrase “the sticks” refers to a certain realm within this wild land where Moses’ caravan has been meandering for all these years: The wilderness is, as you would expect, uninhabited; but there was a region within these wild lands that, albeit lacking a precise boundary or an official state title, was the dwelling place of a variety of peoples. These “wights from the wilderness” were often referred to derogatorily as hillbillies, “hicks from the sticks,” mountaineers (because of the proximity of many mounts: Sinai, Zion, Blanc, etc.), yokels, rustics, peasants, or rubes. These folks were held in contempt by the city-dwellers, perhaps out of a repressed jealousy of their freedom, but their ranks contained many wise and formidable individuals.

Balak got to know well the people of the sticks, because he grew up among them, trekking through the wild alongside his mother Zipporah, among the masses led by his father Moses.

Now, the Midianites, of whom Balak’s grandfather Jethro was the high priest, lived hereabouts as well, but the reason that Balak became known as King of the Wild in general, rather than the President of Midian specifically, is that there are more than just Midianites residing in the sticks. I hope that makes sense.

What can be deduced from Balak’s kingship is that while Moses was lost with his caravan spiraling in the wilderness, his wife Zipporah was at work winning over the locals to her son’s cause and popularizing the young upstart among passersby.

Now this Balak rejected his father Moses’ cause – perhaps his mother prejudiced him against it (for Zipporah found it distasteful since the day her firstborn was almost slain for being uncircumcised); or perhaps it is simply natural for sons of iconoclasts to become iconoclasts themselves. In any event, just as Moses turned against the Empire, Balak turned against his father Moses. For Balak saw all the horrible slaughter that Moses’ throng had recently wrought upon the Infraborians, and against Fat Ug at El Cortez. Regarding Moses’ pivot toward violent conquest, Balak would quip: “During his six weeks in Reno, father obtained his divorce from humanity.”

§

Now the mountain folks in the sticks were sore afraid of the caravansary of Moses, since, even after splitting from the Volcano’s majority, and despite so many of the original workforce having settled the lands that they ravaged, there were still a great multitude of ex-laborers affiliated with this mad mob. So the mountaineers met with their Midianite neighbors in the wilderness, and they said:

“Look at these gangs of mindless, brutal thugs that have wandered into the nearby lands. These barbarians will surely lick up everything around us, as an ox licks up the grass of the field.”

Now, as I said, these voices crying in the wilderness had chosen Balak to be their messiah; so it was his responsibility to find a way to protect the people. He knew that he could not simply talk sense to his father Moses; for he had seen his mother Zipporah try and fail at that endeavor, time and again. Therefore, he opted to send an angel in a vision unto a respected dream-interpreter who lived in the sticks, down by the river. (Balak’s uncle Bryan, the King of America, before he returned to Jupiter, had taught his nephew how to message gods via dreams.) This prophet’s name was Balaam. And Balak’s angel spoke to Balaam in the vision as follows:

“Balaam, give ear! Look yonder at the El Cortez Hotel, how it is the scene of a bloody crime; and consider what has happened unto Saint Nick, the President of the Infraborians, and his students and staff. Behold, these horrors are the handiwork of a league of ex-laborers who, some years ago, escaped from the Empire. Look how they swarm over the face of the earth: see, they are fast approaching the sticks, where we reside. Come now, in the name of peace and harmony, I pray to you, please cast a spell upon these invaders, so that they stumble and reap defeat in a natural fashion; and let a humane state of mind return to them. For they are drunk on war, and my hill-dwellers and I are a peace-loving people: we cannot expect to battle these psychopaths. Only the volcano of potential can help us now. Thus, my plea is to you, O Balaam, because you are one of the last true proponents of the Volcano. In these days, when so many have fallen away, you remain steadfast, and you continue to act in accordance with the workers of the world. It is clear to me that whomever you bless is blessed, while whomever you curse is cursed. Therefore, send aid!”

A bit more bad news

(Cont.)

So the workforce that Moses was guiding (or not so much guiding as being swept along with) took all these cities: and the division then bled subdivisions, for portions of the laborers broke away from the outfit and took residence in the district of the Infraboreans, and others chose to settle down in Heckland and the villages thereof. For Heckland was the hometown of Santa Claus, the President of the Infraboreans; but a portion of the Empire’s ex-workforce fought against this former kingpin of the sticks, and took all the badlands out of his hand, even unto the Distant Shores. That’s why they that speak in hymn-slang say:

Come into Heckland, 

Let the city of Old Saint Nick be reconstructed; 

For there is a fire gone out of Heckland, 

A flame from the city of Santa: 

It hath consumed Woop Woop of Tohu Bohu, 

In the sticks of the badlands, 

And the lords of Podunk and Bumhump, 

Over against the high places of the Distant Shores. 

Woe to thee, dwellers in the sticks! 

Thou art undone, O people of the No-Go Zone, 

Whose earth is charcoal: 

Your offspring are taken into captivity. 

For President Santa of the Infraboreans catapulted gifts: 

But we batted them back! 

Heckland is perished, all the way to Blandvale, 

And we have laid them waste 

Even from Antiregion to Cyphersuck.

Thus a fraction of the workforce that had wandered astray took root in the land of the Infraboreans. Eventually Moses also sent a covert military unit to spy out the dust bowl of Jetlag, and they took the hovels thereof, and drove out the Infraboreans that were there.

§

Then, what was left of the caravansary went offroad and somehow ended up in Reno, Nevada: and Fat Ug, the biggest businessman on the planet, came out against them, with all his lawyers, to have a meeting at the El Cortez Hotel.

And Moses said to the portion of the workforce that was still with him in the wild lands: “Fear not Fat Ug; for, the way that our luck is going, he shall be delivered into our hand, along with all his retinue, as well as his city here, which is known as the ‘Divorce Capital of the World’ on account of its relaxed laws concerning that procedure. We shall conquer his hirelings and commandeer the hotel, just as we vanquished President Santa who dwelt in Heckland, by initiating a surprise shootout. Certainly, El Cortez shall be ours.”

So they smote Fat Ug, and his entourage of attorneys, and all the clerks and interns who served him, until there was nobody left alive anywhere in the city. Even the people who had just come to visit Reno for the six-week period that was required to obtain a divorce were caught in the crossfire. There was blood smeared everywhere, and mangled corpses riddled the landscape. It looked like exactly what it was: the aftermath of a massacre. Fat Ug and his fraternity were now exterminated, and Moses’ troops took over the land.

Then the remainder of the caravan set forward, and pitched an encampment in the sticks, near the Midianites and other dwellers of the wilderness, out on the edge of the desert plains.

A turn for the worser

(Cont.)

Now there was a man named Santa Claus, and he was the President of the Infraboreans. Now, this was not the “Old Saint Nick” from the Bible, who is held to be the opponent of the Good God; no, this was just a regular man whose parents happened to name him Santa Claus.

Then, when the caravan approached the Middling Pole, Moses sent a message to the President, which said:

Dear Santa, please allow us pilgrims to pass through your wonderland. We will not attempt to loot your sweatshop for toys, nor joyride the reindeer from your vineyards. All your property and assets, we shall treat with respect, and leave your elves unmolested. We will not even dare to sip from your sugar-water fountains – not even the dog fount – no matter how thirsty we feel: but we will pace in a straight line directly forward, in single-file; with our heads lowered meekly beneath our cowls, and our eyes downcast. We will not steal your sleigh. None of your students or faculty will see us; they will not even smell us, for we will stay strictly hugging the shoulder of the six-lane highway that bisects your kingdom, until we reach your terminal border, where the trash is burned.

After reading this aloud to his staff amid roaring laughter, the Infraborean Santa smiled and said: “I now have a bright idea, ho-ho-ho!” Then he commanded all his servicepeople to coalesce, and they headed out to meet the division of Moses in the wasteland: and when they reached Jibaro in Jeshimon, they bombarded the caravan:

And as the gifts and presents were landing all around them, Moses raised his voice and addressed his group of fellow-travelers, saying, “O pilgrims, we abandoned our brethren in the workforce: we left them with the Volcano, and we decided to set out on our own. Since then, we have suffered endless affliction. (I, for one, have not felt like myself since Fallout Rock.) Yes, in that brief time, we have weathered every hardship imaginable, and now we are being pelted with projectiles. Let us recall our original goal: the volcano of potential desired for us to mix and mingle with all nations, so that we could help him fulfill his contract, which he signed with my forerunner Joseph, whose bones still glow: for we are to increase and multiply until the planet has been refilled. But these Infraboreans do not seem willing to cooperate. So, I suggest we retreat and reunite with the multitudes who stuck with the Volcano. It’s a long way back, but I think we can take a shortcut through Scylla and Charybdis, in the bad part of Burnsville where Bryan’s mother lives.”

Then the loudest voices among the division argued that as long as our mass of the workforce has chosen to part ways with the Volcano, we might as well forget mixing and mingling, and instead simply fight and conquer these attackers.

Enough of the group was enthused by this contention to sway the rest with their cheers; and Moses got swept along by their current.

Thus the division rioted back against those Infraboreans who were bombarding them, and the workers resisted the jolly forces of Santa. The militia of Moses gained the upper hand, and took into possession all the land from Distant Shores unto Jabbok, which is where the patriarch Israel battled the bat-god, who tried to suck his blood. They conquered all the land, and won the effects and resources up to the kingdom of the Persian Fire-Worshippers: for the border of the Persian Fire-Worshippers was strong.

A brief passage where nothing happens, they just wander in circles and end up at the same place again, this is a recurring nightmare

(Cont.)

Then the division being led by Moses went wandering from one forlorn location to the next. They were spiraling into the wasteland like something spinning down the drain. First, they set forward, and pitched in Dullsville, just outside of Munchkin Country. Then they journeyed from Dullsville, and pitched at No-Go Zone, in the sticks, out past the badlands, toward the sunsetting.

From there, they removed, and pitched in the channel of Wazoo, which is a dried-up riverbed.

From there they removed, and pitched on the other side of the gulf, known as Distant Shores, which is in the desolate land that comes out of the coasts of the Columbians: for Distant Shores borders the sticks of the badlands, where the markets of finance abandoned Libertas; wherefore it is said in The Book of the Crimes of the Gods:

O! what Mammon did within the Red Ocean, that gave it that name, and in the brooks of the Distant Shores, and at the flow of the River of Ravage that gushes down to Woop Woop, in the first abyss of Tohu Bohu, and ends within a stone’s throw of the sticks.

And from there they went to Lynch Peak yet again: that is one of the many places where Moses almost got lynched. (How often have I repeated this bit of scandal?) It’s also known as Fallout Rock, because of the fallout that Moses experienced with the multitudes there, and it is rumored that this is the very place where they killed him. It is the well about which the Volcano said, “Gather the people together, and I will give them water.” For the people were almost dead from thirst, for the umpteenth time, due to habitual neglect; and they blamed this on Moses, while encoding the following riddle:

Spring up, O blood from the rock; and sing ye unto it: 

The Prince of Deception digged a well,  

The nobles of the Empire bunged it,  

By the direction of the lawgiver Mammon. 

Yahweh and Moses took their staves, freed the flow; 

Yahweh atop and Moses below. 

Two struck once, and all struck back.

It’s a very old song, from a scroll that is no longer in print.

And from the Ever-Returning Twin Peaks of Bloodstone, they went to Timbuktu:

And from Timbuktu to Kalamazoo: and from Kalamazoo to Peru: and from Peru up the Wazoo to Bumhump: then from Bumhump to Podunk:

And from Podunk in the valley, that is in the badlands, out in the sticks, to the Peak of Pisgah, the Place of Postponed Promises, which looks toward the wasteland of Jeshimon, in the Middle of Nowhere.

(FUN FACT: Pisgah is that same hill where the Volcano lives.)

Correcting a misconception, then withstanding an onslaught

(Cont.)

So, when the working people saw that Bryan had left, they enjoyed a thirty-day orgy in his honor: it was very loving and pleasant.

Now there remained the Volcano, Moses, and the multitudes. Their aim was to reenter Emerald City by the same route that the spies took, in the beginning of this scripture.

Then, when Theodore Roosevelt, a Harvardite, heard that an escaped workforce from the Empire was storming the southern border of his college, he rearranged the syllables of his first name so that he became a young girl named Dorothy, and she then rounded up a party of her unschooled friends and went to meet the infiltrators. She brought her little dog Toto too.

(Mr. Graeber requests that I insert here his quick breakdown of Dorothy’s little band: The scarecrow was a farmer who had no brain and thus got foreclosed on by the banks; the tin woodsman represented the industrial proletariat, which lacked the heart required to act in solidarity; and the cowardly lion was the political class that recoiled from doing anything to solve the economic depression that was upon them.)

And the laborers vowed a vow unto the Volcano, and said, “If you will truly deliver our enemies into our hands, then we will utterly destroy them and their city, and we will ruin their institutions.”

But the volcano of potential halted the voice of the masses, and muted its vow, and said: “You have got the wrong idea. I do not wish to deliver up the Harvardites to you; please turn your minds away from this proposal of ‘utterly destroying’ everything. Whatever is desirable and harmonious about their institution and their city, let us embrace and bolster: graft yourselves onto it. And whatever is ugly or harmful, let us revise it.”

So the workforce of the Volcano met with Dorothy and her friends, and they mixed and mingled. Everything went swimmingly.

§

But now let me back up and tell you about another subsection of the working class which did not cooperate. While the above group was succeeding, a separate small sector of arrogant knaves decided to go their own way. These fellows pooh-poohed the Volcano’s advice and instead began to journey away from Mont Blanc in the direction of the Red Ocean (you’ll remember that another band of fools tried a similar thing in an earlier chapter), thinking to compass the Celestial City. And Moses went with them. Now, Moses did not join their group because he believed in their stubborn plan; on the contrary, he wished to go along with the majority on the spy-route with the Volcano; but the wild man with the goat eyes took Moses aside and said “There is a pack of strays that I’m concerned about: please accompany them; help them out when they run into trouble. We’ll meet again later, when your group rejoins ours. You’ll be taking a long-cut, a diversion; call it a scenic route. I will stop somewhere in India, waiting for you.”

So Moses went with this offshoot troupe, and they were much discouraged because of the way.

Immediately these pilgrims began to lament their predicament, and they said to Moses: “Why can’t your One True God simply overthrow Lord Bunyan and take the Celestial City for himself? There’s juicy fruit, all along the boulevard, and I heard that they have the tree of life there, too. Then we could go straight through and settle Eldorado by Thursday. But, as it is, everywhere that we wander, there’s always a meat shortage, neither is there any water; and our soul is beginning to tire of this light bread, bleached white and prone to mold, which your god keeps sending us. Why can’t he cause it to rain potato cakes, deep fried? Or seasoned rice? We don’t wish to seem ungrateful, but this is the World Creator we’re talking about: you’d think that nothing would be too difficult for him; it seems odd that his blessings are so severely limited.”

At this point, Vice Chancellor Bunyan from the Celestial City sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and many people of the workforce died.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, “We are sorry! We did not mean anything that we said above! We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Volcano, and against you, O Moses, dear friend; please write a formal apology for us, and send it by a messenger to the volcano of potential, and add a postscript asking him to take away the fiery serpents from us.”

And Moses calmed the people and said: “This serpent plague is not the work of our god Yahweh. Yahweh and the serpents work as a team, whenever they do whatever they do. The serpent is like the jester of Yahweh’s court: a divine fool, who is secretly the cleverest among his attorneys; he’s rather the deity’s double-goer than his nemesis. No, these snakes are not from our Volcano. As it is written, ‘if Antichrist cast out Antichrist, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand? Every kingdom thus divided is brought to desolation.’ [Mattew 12:25-26.] But the volcano of potential desires harmonization and prosperity, not death and destruction. To use fiery serpents as weapons is the signature move of Vice Chancellor Bunyan; so I assume this attack was launched from the Celestial City. He probably glimpsed us on his security monitor. Either that, or his gang of flying monkeys – that is to say, his host of cherubims – caught sight of us and tattled back to their master. Anyway, it’s no hindrance: although these creatures that he set upon us have indeed been genetically modified to breathe sparks, it’s not enough even to cause a burn; and it is our good luck that Aesculapian serpents are naturally nonvenomous. So all our people who appear to have perished are simply sleeping – it is called the placebo effect. Now, behold these snakes entwining my caduceus: they’re the same type, albeit slightly more brazen. So I can just touch everyone with this wand, and it shall heal them. In fact, all you need is to look at it and you will live. Those who have died shall resurrect, and those who are yet alive shall become born again.”

Thus Moses lifted up his caduceus, with the brazen serpents helixing its staff, and it happened that, if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld Moses holding the rod of god, he was cleansed holistically and became immaculate in body and mind. Any existing ailments were restored, and all sins were forgiven.

An attempted shortcut, and an early retirement

(Cont.)

Then Moses ordered a troop of ambassadors to be sent to the Celestial City, on the border of Munchkin Country, to Vice Chancellor Bunyan, with the following message:

“You know that your fellow tinkers in the workforce, after escaping from the Empire, have been traveling around in the wild lands for several years now. We were working at various chores, doing hard labor in the Empire, for a long time, and the economic system there was extremely unfair to us and our ancestors; so we cried out to the volcano of potential, and he heard our voice, and sent to us an angel who had the face of an eagle, and she has now carried us outside of the Empire and set us down in Munchkin Country, a domain near the extremities of your border, by the Enchanted Ground. Here is our prayer to you, O Dearest Vice Chancellor: Please let us pass through your domain. For we are near to the River of Death, which we believe we can cross, and then we would like to ascend Mount Zion; however, instead of heading directly into the Celestial City, and settling there, we aim to go straight through and into the adjacent realm of Emerald City. We have faith that your yellow brick roads connect to that place. We promise not to cause any trouble: we will not drink from your living waters nor eat any of your forbidden fruits. We will stay strictly on the high way that bears your name, turning neither to the right nor to the left, until we have traversed your rear border into the draught.”

But Vice Chancellor Bunyan berated the ambassadors that Moses had sent, and he sprinkled pink paint upon them, to humiliate them, and sent them back with this reply:

“You shall not use Celestial City as a shortcut to any other place in the world. This is man’s final home: Not a means to an end, but THE END ITSELF. There is no free lunch, no fast and easy route to bliss. Nothing shall be got for nothing. To obtain entry into the Celestial City, you must follow the straight and narrow way, like every other soul, out through the City of Destruction, and endure all its pitfalls; either that or suffer martyrdom. I repeat, I will in no wise honor your request. And I warn you: Do not try to sneak in without my knowledge, for I have placed cherubims and a flaming sword at every gate, to prevent all subterfuges.”

So Moses washed off his troop of ambassadors, and sent them back with the following plea:

“A message from Moses in the wilderness to Vice Chancellor Bunyan of the Celestial City: please consider that we of the escaped workforce of the Empire will adhere devoutly to the high way: and if I and my cattle drink of your living waters, then we will pay for it. All we are asking is for permission to tiptoe through on our bare feet: out to the neighboring dimension. We will not make much noise.”

But Vice Chancellor Bunyan drizzled more pink paint upon the ambassadors of Moses; and he smeared it around with his hands, to increase the insult; and he said: “You shall not go through.” And all of his armed forces came out against them; and there were millions of Christian soldiers, all holding bayonets.

Thus the Celestial City refused to allow the people of the working class to use it as a shortcut to the Promised Land.

§

So all the laborers of the workforce, even every soul from those multitudes that evacuated the Empire, turned and journeyed away from Mount Zion, until they arrived at its shadow-double: Shelley’s Mont Blanc. There the caravansary stopped and set up an encampment in the Vale of Chamouni.

And the volcano of potential met with Moses and Bryan, off the coast of the Celestial City, and said: “I must have missed something while I was resting – why is everyone here? I thought that we were all in agreement, and that the next step the people would take is to head into Emerald City, to mix and mingle with its citizens; and from there we would proceed to the other suburbs of India and into the rest of Eldorado. What happened that we find ourselves near Zion, and so close to the River of Death?”

So Moses answered, saying: “This move was my idea. Seeing that you and Bryan had both retired for the weekend and were yet again asleep, I thought I might make some progress; I hoped to surprise you pleasantly, but alas it turned out the opposite. My thought was that we might use the Celestial City as a shortcut into the better parts of Oz. I did not count on its Vice Chancellor being so unmerciful.”

The wild man blinked his goat eyes and said: “Yes, you have already witnessed me dealing with the people from the Church; this is nothing new. But what’s done is done. — Why, however, are you looking for a shortcut? We had already gained admittance to Emerald City easily with our espionage squads, by using the front main entrance: Why come all the way round like this, and risk the River of Death and Zion?”

Moses answered: “I was attempting to sidestep the ivy leaguers. To take this route, we circumvent all the zones that they are known to haunt. Plus I thought that our wand would work to lift the River of Death overhead, like we accomplished with the Red Ocean. I’m sorry – I realize how simpleminded my plan was, now that I look back.”

The wild man touched the shoulder of Moses and replied: “That’s OK, don’t worry about it; I forgive you. We’ll get out of this mess, it’s no problem. But I have some news for you. Bryan has informed me, by way of a dream, that he is ready to depart; he desires to return to Jupiter with Myala. So I have ordered a chariot for him. This actually works out well, that we’re here at Mont Blanc, which is the perfect place for his plaque. So here’s what we’ll do. Everyone will accompany Bryan up to the mountaintop; and we’ll have a ceremonial stripping: the royal robes shall be removed from Bryan and transferred to his robotic son Satyajit. (The kingship in essence will remain the personal property of Bryan, but we who abide here on Earth will keep the pomp and the costume.) Then a fiery chariot shall land on the peak of Mont Blanc, and Bryan shall be launched into the outer spaces to spend the next epoch or more with his beloved.”

So they did as the Volcano instructed: the armies of the workforce ascended far above, to the place where Mont Blanc pierces the infinite sky, and a jovial chariot appeared and used its hydraulic grabber-arm to scoop up Bryan, the Eternal King of America. Then it sped away, through Chaos, in the direction of Jove, on the path of a frozen rainbow, and disappeared into the blackness.

A rerun, and the option to split

(Cont.)

Then, exactly on the anniversary of their earlier arrival at the place, the wandering multitudes came to Fallout Rock again. Also known as Lynch Peak. Remember, it was here that Moses suffered a fallout with the entire populace, and its angry mobs almost lynched him, because they were dying of thirst; but then Bryan teamed up with the Volcano, and they caused a cascade of fresh drinking water to descend from the cliff. Now, however, this many years later, all those waters had dried up; or their source was re-corked or stoppered, for the stream was gone.

So the multitudes were dying of thirst again. This was the moment when Myala the black panther called it quits: she summoned a fiery chariot from heaven and went back to Jupiter, her native planet. “I’ll meet you at home, whenever you finish with these guys,” she said to her husband, Bryan the King. So the wild man with the goat eyes instructed the skilled seamstresses among the population to create a stuffed effigy of Myala; which he then buried beneath a plaque, to commemorate the location of her liftoff.

Now the attentive reader might ask: Why had the people arrived at the border of Rosemount, near the woods of Sin, again? Weren’t they intending to go into Emerald City, and then on to India, where Eldorado expands? Is the volcano of potential leading his population in circles; or did they at some point begin ambulating in reverse without realizing it? Could it be that the wilderness through which the multitudes are traveling is but a repeating loop of film projected behind them so as to create the illusion of motion, like what is known to the animators of cartoons as a “wraparound background”?

While the reader has been asking the above questions, the armies of wandering multitudes have begun railing against the Volcano at Fallout Rock: “It would have been better for us to remain wage-slaves in the Empire, for at least then we would have had enough water to drink.” The standard complaints of a perishing multitude. “All our livestock are dying; and there is no good land to plant crops.”

So Moses and Bryan said to the wild man whose hair completely encased his form: “What shall we do; tap the rock with our wand, like last time?”

And the wild man answered: “Here is my plan. Take the wand, Moses. You and your brother Bryan will gather the assembly together, and make a speech to the cliff before their eyes. It shall then release its water: a fresh cascade will come gushing down from the rock. In this way, you can offer refreshments to the congregation and their beasts.”

So Moses took the wand, as the wild man instructed, and he and Bryan herded the masses together before the cliffside. And Bryan went up and stood on the precipice. Then Moses tapped its base two times and waved his wand while announcing as follows:

“Let there be no longer any firmament in the midst of the waters, dividing the waters that are above from those that should be below. Let abundant geysers break out in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. And let the parched ground become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water. In the habitation of dragons, where each lay, let there be grass with reeds and rushes. Let the firmament no longer alone be called Heaven, but let the dry land that is newly watered become the Paradise of Earth.”

And while Moses was thus chanting at the cliff, Bryan rolled away the stone that had been blocking the upper wellspring, at which point a cascade of freshwater came gushing down for the people and their livestock to enjoy.

After this, the Volcano spoke to Moses and Bryan in private, saying: “Do as you like, but I am ready to lead the multitudes myself. Just me and the armies, alone in the wild together, touring the globe. What I’m trying to say is: Come along or not; it’s your call – if you have something you’d rather be doing, go ahead and pursue it. Any side-project or whatever. I don’t mean to push you away; but I just now realized, while watching you two at Lynch Peak, that it’s probably not necessary to have all three of us trying to pilot this caravansary. The triune nature of our headship might even be confusing the people, if only slightly – perhaps they would be better off with just one clear-cut captain. As it is written, ‘A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.’ How much worse, then, if the man is triple minded! But, like I said, it is completely up to you.”