Chapter 15
Sometime later, Absalom organized a parade with ornate coaches and horses, and fifty dancers to twirl before him. Then he rode all around the caravansary, popularizing his name and ingratiating himself to everyone. And all the floats and chariots in his procession carried vast banners that said: “Absalom for President,” because he was determined to win the country away from his father.
Absalom’s daily routine was to ride up early and stand beside the way to the presidential residence, where all the people would come to have their legal problems resolved by David. Absalom would call to every plaintiff who passed by, and ask them: “Hey, friend, where are you going?” And when the man would answer: “I am here to sue so-and-so for such-and-such,” Absalom would then say: “Ah, too bad the current Prez, David, my father, is so busy that he cannot sit to judge any new cases; so you will just have to suffer injustice and say goodbye to your rights. Yes, it’s unfortunate that I, Absalom, am not the president of the caravan, because I would give you a swift hearing, and judge your case fairly, and decide in your favor.”
Also, if any wayfarer ever came near to do him obeisance, Absalom would put forth his hand, and kiss that person.
So, in this manner did Absalom charm the hearts and minds of the populace. Keep in mind that he was a very good-looking man.
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Now it happened that, after four years, Absalom said unto the president: “Father, I pray you, let me go and pay my vow. For I vowed a vow unto Yahweh, in the buffer zone of Chaos. Lo, during those years when I was in exile, as I was living in the Kingdom of the Big People, with my grandfather Tall Man King of the Giants, I vowed a vow saying: ‘O Yahweh, if you shall bring me again to the presidential residence, to see my father in Eldorado, then I will serve the volcano of potential in that old log cabin in the forest, the Black Lodge, which my father built back in the day, and where he contested the presidency of Saul.’ For you, O father, have been governing so long from this new residence here in Sweet Beulah Land, and I am eager to trek out and take a look around at your older, original headquarters: I’m curious to know what it feels like to stand in the same place where you used to stand, back when you were a young rebel with your gang of filibusters attempting to overthrow Saul’s regime.”
And David said to his son: “Go in peace.”
So Absalom arose and went to the Black Lodge.
But Absalom dispatched secret agents throughout all the caravansary, instructing them like so: “As soon as I transmit to you the signal, then you shall shout: ‘Absalom is now President in the Black Lodge!’”
And two hundred wayfarers followed Absalom out of Eldorado. They were just honest admirers who did not expect foul play; who had no intention of attending an insurrection, but were simply caught in the middle of larger forces.
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Now President David had a counselor in his cabinet who was a televangelist named Billy Graham. Absalom hired this man away from the president, and Mr. Graham came to serve at the Black Lodge. Thus did Absalom’s conspiracy gain strength, and the number of its supporters continued to grow.
Then one of President David’s agents came and told him: “Beware, the hearts of the pilgrims of the caravan are beating for Absalom.”
So David said unto all his staff members that were there with him in Eldorado: “We need to vacate this place. I’m afraid that President Absalom might attack. Let us depart, lest he come with filibusters and pillage the city, and ambush us to overthrow our government.”
And David’s staff members all answered: “As you wish. You’re the boss.”
So David and his cabinet abandoned the presidential residence, and all his staff and interns followed after him. The only people David left behind were ten of his concubines to do the housekeeping.
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Thus, President David snuck away from his own official headquarters; and he hid in a place that was far away. And all his filibusters and mercenaries from the Abyss, the six hundred and sixty-six paramilitaries who at once protected David and kept him tied to the Creditor Class, accompanied him during this move.
Now, among the above, President David noticed a thug who had only recently joined his mob: Ittai the Gittite; he was a great fat hitman and exceptionally slow-witted. David called out to him, saying: “Why are you coming along with us? You just escaped from jail in your native country – what reason is there for you to share our fate as we’re ousted from power? Look, now I must scramble from place to place, like a terrified mouse. Don’t waste your new freedom; it’s only your first week living here: go join the other president and live prosperously. No hard feelings.”
But Ittai the Gittite answered the president, and said: “I hear you talk of war-god Jah: that’s my god too. Where Jah goes, I go.”
Then David maintained his composure and said: “Fine, continue.”
Thus Ittai the Gittite remained David’s gangster.
§
And as David’s regime deserted the presidential residence in Sweet Beulah Land, and made their exodus from that part of Eldorado, all the people who lived thereabouts wept with a loud voice. And they watched the administration and militia of David pass over the Potomac River, and all the thugs of the disgraced president’s filibusters wandered along with the Black House staff toward the way of the wilderness.
Also, among the outcasts were Nicholas the robo-bellboy and his assistants, helping to bear the Ark of Remembrance: they set down that mobile museum so that everyone could gaze upon it as they passed. And the robo-butler Man was there as well.
Then, when everyone had made it out of the city, the president said unto the android Nicholas: “Carry back the ark into the city. We don’t need to bring Yahweh with us into the wilderness again. If the volcano of potential favors me, then I will return someday and see the ark’s habitation; but if I am destined to be destroyed, then, so be it: why drag God down with us?”
Then President David said to the android Man, artificial grandchild of King Bryan: “Are you robo-butlers not all seers? Return with your bellboy Nicholas into the city. Go peacefully: don’t start any brawls. And take your grandkid-substitutes with you, the two adopted sons of Nicholas, who have been such a comfort to the bot in his infertility.”
Ghostwriter’s Note:
On the fake sons of Nicholas
That last sentence above is the scripture’s first mention, after Geppetto’s demise, of the robo-bellboy Nicholas having acquired artificial heirs of his own. For, what the president said about the droid being barren was true; this was mentioned before, during the so-called face-smashing affair: the episode where the image of Yahweh, which stands atop the lid of the ark, fell directly onto the robot’s adopted son, and killed Geppetto by punching his nose through his brain. Following that tragedy, to make up for the mishap, the Volcano hired Doctor Frankenstein to reconstruct the corpse’s damaged face; for this, he performed wooden surgery (plastic surgery with wood); and since the rest of the body had been half cremated by accident, the doctor reanimated Geppetto by swapping out all his organs with wires and electricity, thus resulting in a cyborg with a long wooden implant for a nose. Nicholas christened this refurbished firstborn Darth Geppetto, which means “Lava burnt me up, but my soul survived.”
And the second fake son of Nicholas was Racecar Rob, another cyborg whose nonhuman half was a hot-rodded prewar British Rover 10.
[End of Ghostwriter’s Note.]
So, to repeat, David told the mechanical ark-bearers and their adopted offspring: “Return to Eldorado, while I and my staff wander off into the wilderness, to hide from President Absalom.” And he added: “I will tarry there, until one of you sends word to inform me.”
Nicholas the robo-bellboy therefore and Man the android carried the ark of God back to Eldorado: and they parked it there and waited.
Then David ascended Mount Olivet, and he wept as he went up. Beforehand he had changed into his Outfit of Lamentation, which is purposely shoeless, therefore he was barefoot. And all his staff and the members of his cabinet followed suit and went up likewise, weeping ostentatiously.
And an intern came and told David, saying: “Your counselor Billy Graham is a double agent: he lurks among the conspirators with Absalom.”
So David prayed, saying: “O Yahweh, turn the counsel of Billy Graham into foolishness.”
Then it came to pass, that when David reached the top of the mount, where he worshipped God, behold, Fred Rogers, the host of the TV show Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood came to meet him with his iconic cardigan zipper sweater torn, and earth on his head. (These acts of rending one’s attire and shampooing with dirt, in the culture of television personalities, are physical expressions of profound sorrow.)
And David said to Mister Rogers: “Dear Fred, if you continue with me into the wilderness, then you will be a burden; but if you return to the city, and say unto Absalom: ‘I will be your advisor, O president; as I have been your father’s advisor hitherto,’ then you might be able to defeat the counsel of Billy Graham. Also, the robo-butler Man and his son Nicholas the robo-bellboy shall be there with you; thus it shall be, that what thing soever you hear in the president’s secret meetings, you can tell it to Nicholas and Man, my android spies. Behold, they have there with them as well the bellboy’s two adopted sons: Darth Geppetto and Racecar Rob; by them, you shall send me all the intel that you can gather.”
So Fred Rogers, David’s friend, went back to the city, as Absalom advanced into Eldorado.