Chapter 1
Here is a story about the wayfarers from the caravansary who remained in Wonderland.
Long after Ozymandias ended his term as the president of Wonderland, a man named Tyrannosaurus became the rex.
Now after Tyrannosaurus had governed for three years, he threw a feast, to celebrate the beauties of life. He invited all the princes and servants in Wonderland. His great treasures were brought out of storage and displayed, with the riches of his glorious kingdom and his excellent majesty. The feast lasted seven days, and it continued round the clock; everyone attended, great and small. The banquet took place in the court of the garden of the palace. There were white, green, and blue hangings, fastened to silver rings and pillars of alabaster with cords of fine linen and purple wool; the beds were of gold and silver, upon a pavement of red, and blue, and white, and black marble. Everyone drank out of golden grails, and royal wine was in abundance: the rex ordered that all cups be continually refilled, and a law was passed that said: Each person must drink a good deal more than enough. And all the banqueters were encouraged to do according to every soul’s pleasure.
Also the queen’s name was Vashti. While her husband Rex Tyrannosaur was having his great feast, Vashti was having a counter-feast for ladies only. She lived in the palazzo next-door to the mansion of the rex; so that’s where she was, with all her female friends.
Now, on the seventh day, when the heart of the rex was merry with wine, he instructed his robotic chamberlains to fetch Queen Vashti: “Lift her up with your hands,” said Tyrannosaur, “and bring her away from that all-girl counter-feast; then set her down over here at my banquet: right on top of this very table, where everyone can see her. For she is so beautiful, I wish to show her off, so that all of Wonderland can perceive how fair she is to look at. I will command her to disrobe.”
So the rex’s robo-chamberlains, whose names were Mehuman, Bigtha, Harbona, and Carcas, went to confiscate the queen.
But when the robo-chamberlains came near, Vashti the queen slapped them all away. And when they explained what their mission was, relaying the instructions that the rex had given them, Queen Vashti told them to return emptyhanded with the answer: “She refuses.”
So the robo-chamberlains obeyed the queen. This made Tyrannosaurus irate, and his anger burned within him. So he asked his team of lawyers, who were with him at the table, and said: “What are my legal options, here? I’m the highest ruler of the nation: Don’t I have the right to force my wife to pose unclothed before the populace?”
And the lawyers answered: “Vashti the queen has not only wronged Your Majesty, O rex, but she has committed a crime against every husband in Wonderland: for now all wives will hear of the queen’s misdeed, and they shall emulate its evil. This shall stir up much contempt and wrath.”
Then Tyrannosaurus said: “So, what can be done?”
The lawyers answered: “Our constitution addresses this issue specifically – it says: ‘If the queen refuses to strip and cavort in public, she shall be jettisoned and replaced.’ Therefore, as soon as you wish, you can begin your nationwide search for a swankier wife.”
This news pleased the rex, so Tyrannosaur acted according to his lawyers’ advice. He placed huge billboards in every province of Wonderland, and he caused his Royal Airforce to drop pamphlets on the populace, all bearing the following message:
WANTED!
New Beauty Queen
(must be generous)
Chapter 2
Rex Tyrannosaur appointed officers to go throughout all the provinces of Wonderland, gathering up all the fair young virgins for the New Queen Search. And all these contestants were brought to the Royal Palace, and lodged in the Boudoir of the Damsels, under the custody of the robo-chamberlains.
Now there was a staffer at the palace who was an adherent of the volcano of potential. His name was Mordecai. And he was the guardian of an orphan named Esther. This damsel was fair and beautiful. So it came to pass, when the New Queen Search began to be advertised, and many maidens were gathered into the palace where he worked, that Mordecai decided to enter his foster daughter Esther into the contest: therefore, he handed her over to the robo-chamberlain Carcas.
Carcas the robo-chamberlain took Esther to the Boudoir of Damsels, and he treated her with kindness, and helped her to look as pretty as possible, so that she might impress the rex.
Esther did not reveal that she was a prophetess of the Volcano, for her guardian Mordecai had charged her to keep that fact a secret.
Now the staffer Mordecai strolled every day before the court of the Boudoir of Damsels, to look in and see how Esther was doing. He was hoping that she would win the pageant and become the new beauty queen.
Now when every maid’s turn came to go in and meet with Rex Tyrannosaur, who was the sole judge of the pageant (for it was his own wife he was selecting), each respective contestant would be anointed with sweet odors, and sprinkled with glitter. Then, after the meeting, the damsel would be brought to a second harem, different from the place where she stayed with the robo-chamberlains; and whoever the rex desired to see again, he would call her back by name.
Now when Esther’s turn came to go in unto the rex, she heeded the advice of the robo-chamberlain Carcas, who stressed the importance of being earnest. Thus did Esther obtain favor in the sight of everyone who looked upon her.
So Esther was taken unto Rex Tyrannosaur in his Royal Room. And Tyrannosaurus loved Esther above all the women, and she impressed the rex as more graceful and favorable than all the virgins; so he set the diamond crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti.
Then the rex made a great feast for all his princes and servants, and he called it “Esther’s Banquet.” And he declared a general tax amnesty to all the provinces, and gave gifts, as befits a monarch.
During all this, Esther still had not revealed to anyone that she was a prophetess of the volcano of potential, because her guardian Mordecai had instructed her to keep it secret.
Now, at Esther’s Banquet, her guardian Mordecai sat at the royal table; and, over the course of the meal, Mordecai overheard two of the creditors from the inner circle of counselors, Jude and Brute, conspiring to assassinate the rex. So, after the feast, Mordecai revealed this treasonous plot unto his foster child Esther; and Queen Esther briefed her husband Tyrannosaurus on this intel, in her guardian Mordecai’s name. Then, when inquisition was made of the matter, it was found to be true: therefore, the culprits Jude and Brute were given the “Et tu” Punishment: that is, they were both hanged on a tree and stabbed in the back until they burst asunder and all their bowels gushed out.
Chapter 3
After this, Rex Tyrannosaur promoted a man named Ham Face to one of the highest positions of power. So this fellow named Ham Face now outranked all the princes of Wonderland. Therefore, the princes were forced to bow down before Ham Face: such was the lex of the rex.
Now, Mordecai was reckoned among the princes of Wonderland (since his foster daughter Esther was the new queen); but, being an adherent of the Volcano, he was scornful of authority, thus Mordecai refused to bow to Ham Face.
Then the royal servants of Wonderland said to Mordecai: “How dare you transgress Tyrannosaur’s commandment?”
And, reluctantly (for he feared that their misunderstanding would lead to trouble) Mordecai explained to these servants what it meant to host the volcano of potential.
Unfortunately, Mordecai’s doubts about the servants proved all too warranted. For they failed to grasp why he would not simply go along with the group when they all bowed to Ham Face. So, the servants kept importuning Mordecai to elaborate on his stance. But Mordecai held his peace and would not deign to answer further: he simply smiled at the servants who asked, and patted their backs in commiseration. Therefore, the royal servants decided to go tell Ham Face about this odd hangup, to test Mordecai’s antiauthoritarianism.
And when Ham Face saw that this man Mordecai did indeed refrain from bowing, as the servants had said, then Ham Face was filled with wrath. But Ham Face considered it unseemly to confront this insubordinate on his own; wherefore Ham Face said in his heart: “I will blot the man by genociding his people.”
But this plan proved problematic, since Mordecai, being an adherent of the Volcano, held as false such tribal concepts as race and blood; and it was impossible to differentiate the descendants of the caravansary’s wayfarers, since their modus operandi was to mix and mingle and meld: in other words, the true believers in the volcano of potential, wherever they went, assimilated themselves, so the caravan’s onetime captives were now inseparably knit with the Wonderlanders. Therefore, to effectuate his genocidal aim, Mister Ham Face was forced to abstract what seemed to him the quality that set apart his enemy Mordecai; thus he was left asking himself: Precisely what type, if removed as a class, would extinguish this individual? The answer that Ham Face arrived at, however wrongly, was to annihilate all intellectuals.
The question remained: On what day should the mass murder occur? To determine this, Ham Face used a random date generator – that is to say: he cast lots. (The ancient word for “lots” is purim, hence the festival of that name, which exists to commemorate this present story.) Casting lots is like rolling dice; or, rather, like tossing darts. Here’s how to do it: Go and purchase a calendar; tear out all the months and tape them up on the wall; now step back, put on a blindfold, spin yourself around (to facilitate disorientation); then throw a sharp knife: wherever it strikes is the day that you shall perform your catastrophe – for Ham Face, this was the Ides of Adar.
Incidentally, the reason it’s called Purim (plural) and not Pur (singular) is that it took Ham Face many attempts to hit the calendar. For he performed his casting in a public park, thus passersby and their pets kept getting in the way.
Now, with the date of his intended slaughter fixed, Ham Face approached Rex Tyrannosaur and said: “There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the populace of Wonderland; and their ways of thinking diverge from the herd; these people are terrorists: it is thus unprofitable for us to tolerate their existence. If you will permit me to cleanse them, I would allocate a percentage of Wonderland’s tax revenue to this purpose.
Tyrannosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut, so he said: “Terrorists in Wonderland? I approve your proposal: liquidate them.” And he handed over his rex ring to Ham Face, and left him in charge of this matter.
Then the royal lawyers were called forth, and they drew up an executive order on behalf of Ham Face, and sealed it with the ring of Rex Tyrannosaur, stating that all the armed bureaucrats of Wonderland must abolish, kill, and cause to perish, all intellectuals, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the Ides of Adar, and to take spoil of them for a reward.
Copies of this commandment were posted in all the provinces of Wonderland, so that everyone would be ready for this big day.
In the palace, Ham Face and Tyrannosaur then sat down to drink. Meanwhile the populace was perplexed.
Chapter 4
When Mordecai perceived these developments, he put on mourning attire, went out into the middle of the country, and cried with a loud and bitter cry. He then came to the royal palace, but he stopped at the gates, because his mourning attire prohibited him from entry. And in every province where the awful commandment was posted, there was a great mourning within the intellectual classes, among which were many adherents of the Volcano.
So Queen Esther’s maids and robo-chamberlains came and told her all that was happening. This grieved her exceedingly. When she heard that her guardian Mordecai had been turned away from the palace, due to his mourning attire, she sent him a change of raiment; but he would not take it.
Then Esther summoned Mehuman the robo-chamberlain, and she sent him on a mission to Mordecai, to exchange information and learn more about what was going on.
So Mehuman the robo-chamberlain went forth and met with Mordecai in the street of the city, before the palace gates. And Mordecai told him all that was afoot, concerning Ham Face’s plan to eradicate all the intellectuals. He also gave Mehuman a copy of the decree that was stamped with the ring of the rex, so that the robo-chamberlain could show it to Queen Esther, and urge her to go in unto her husband Tyrannosaur, to supplicate him to spare these intelligent innocents.
When Mehuman came and relayed Mordecai’s message to Esther, the queen gave the following reply for the robo-chamberlain to deliver back to her guardian: “Dearest Mordecai, you ask that I make an intervention with Rex Tyrannosaur; but alas there is an executive order that says ‘Anyone who comes into the Royal Room of the rex without being summoned shall be put to death’; and I have not been called in for a whole month now.”
So this communication from Queen Esther was given to Mordecai. Then Mordecai wrote back: “O please consider that you yourself, dear Esther, as a prophetess of the Volcano, are among the people scheduled to be slaughtered. Or do you aim to keep your identity a secret, and hide your true self from your husband for all of eternity?”
After reading this, Queen Esther wrote back one last time, saying: “Touché. I will go in unto the rex, which is in defiance of the lex: and if I perish, I perish.”
Chapter 5
So, on the next day, Esther put off her royal apparel, and entered unclothed into the Royal Room of the rex, fully expecting to be put to death for having done this without being summoned.
Rex Tyrannosaur was sitting on his throne, looking exceptionally reptilian. And it was so, when he saw Queen Esther standing before him, that he held up his scepter in his hand.
Eshter recoiled, fearing that the rex was intending to strike her with the implement. So, Tyrannosaur explained: “Fear not, my love; for the raising of the scepter means that pardon has been granted; your sins are forgiven.”
Therefore Esther drew near, and bowed, and said: “My Lord, I dared to approach you without being summoned, because I must make a desperate request.”
Then said the rex unto her: “What do you wish, Queen Esther? I am willing to give you up to half of the treasures of Wonderland.”
And Esther answered: “If you will, I would like for you and Ham Face to come to my feast. For I am preparing a banquet this evening, and you and Ham Face are the only guests I’m inviting.”
Then the rex said: “It will be our pleasure to attend.”
So Tyrannosaurus ordered Ham Face to make haste, and they both went to Esther’s private feast.
And at the banquet, after they had drunk many cases of wine, Rex Tyrannosaur said to Queen Esther: “So, is this all? You simply wanted to drink with us tonight? Did you have no further petition or request?”
Then Esther answered, and said: “Yes, here is my petition and my request: I would like for both of Your Excellencies to join me for another banquet that I shall prepare tomorrow evening. Same time, same place.”
The gentlemen happily agreed. Then the rex retired to his Royal Room, and Ham Face went forth joyful and with a glad heart.
But when Ham Face was walking through the palace hallway, he passed by Mordecai who was standing near the exit, and Mordecai again refused to bow: This filled Ham Face with indignation. Nevertheless, Ham Face restrained himself; and when he came home, he summoned his friends and his wife, and he boasted to them of the glory of his riches, and he told them about his private feast with the queen. “Yes, it is true,” he said, “Queen Esther prepared a banquet, and none were invited but the rex himself and I. And she asked us to attend another such feast tomorrow. But, I hate to admit, all this avails me nothing, so long as I see that rebel snake Mordecai standing in the palace.”
Then, after his friends had all gone home, his wife instructed Ham Face her husband, saying: “Here’s my advice concerning Mordecai. Let a gallows be constructed, and tomorrow suggest unto Rex Tyrannosaur that Mordecai may be hanged thereon. Then go with a merry heart unto the banquet.”
This idea pleased Ham Face, so he caused the gallows to be made.
Chapter 6
That night, the rex could not sleep; so he commanded the head scribe from his recordkeeping division to bring The Scroll of the Ongoing History of Wonderland into the Royal Room. And the scribe read aloud some of the events from recent times. He read about the Inaugural Feast for Esther: the chronicle stated that the new queen’s guardian Mordecai sat at the royal table, where he overheard Jude and Brute conspiring to assassinate the rex. And the scroll told how Mordecai revealed this treasonous plot unto Queen Esther, who then briefed the rex: and this saved Tyrannosaur’s life.
Having been reminded of Mordecai’s heroic deed, Rex Tyrannosaurus asked: “What honor and dignity has been done to Mordecai for this?”
And the scribe answered: “Nothing.”
Rex Tyrannosaur found this surprising, and he desired to remedy the oversight; so, he began to ponder what should be the man’s reward. Then, upon hearing a noise, the rex inquired of his robo-bellboy: “Is someone in the outer court?” For it was customary for anyone who desired an audience with the rex to wait in the outer court, in hopes of being summoned.
Now, Ham Face had come to the outer court that night, with the intention of speaking to the rex about his idea to hang Mordecai on the gallows that he had prepared. So the robo-bellboy informed the rex: “Behold, Ham Face is standing in the outer court.” So the rex said: “Summon him.”
Then he came in; and Rex Tyrannosaur, still having Mordecai on his mind, said unto Ham Face: “Tell me your opinion. What should be done for a man whom the rex delights to honor?”
Ham Face thought within his heart: “Ah, he is planning to bless me: for who would the rex delight to honor more than myself?” Thus, Ham Face answered Rex Tyrannosaur, saying: “For the man whom the rex delights to honor, let the royal crown be put upon his head, and then let one of the most noble princes of Wonderland array the man with the royal apparel, and let that prince also lead the man on horseback, and let the man ride the royal stallion through the streets of the city, while the prince proclaims over and again: ‘Behold the man whom the rex delights to honor.’”
Then Rex Tyrannosaur said to Ham Face: “Make haste, and take the apparel and the horse, as you have said, and do all these things for my servant Mordecai, who is positioned at the palace entryway: let nothing fail of all that you have spoken.”
So Ham Face fetched the apparel and the horse, and he arrayed Mordecai; then, with Mordecai crowned and mounted on the royal stallion, Ham Face led him through the city, proclaiming before him: ‘‘Behold the man whom the rex delights to honor.”
When this was done, Ham Face hastened back to his house in the foulest mood, with his head covered in shame. Then Ham Face told his wife and all his friends everything that had befallen him; and teardrops came as he spoke.
Now while Ham Face was yet talking, the robo-chamberlains appeared at his house, and hastened to bring him to the banquet that Esther had prepared.
Chapter 7
So, Rex Tyrannosaur and Ham Face attended Queen Esther’s feast. And the rex said again unto his wife at the banquet of wine: “What is your petition, dear Esther? Anything shall be granted you. What is your request? It shall be performed. No limitations.”
Then Esther the queen answered, and said: “If I have found favor in your sight, O Rex Tyrannosaur, and if it please you, let me exchange my own life for the life of the doomed. For your executive order demands the execution of all intellectuals; and I am a prophetess, therefore my death should substitute for the deaths of all these people. That is my petition and my request.”
Then Rex Tyrannosaur exclaimed: “The annihilation of all intellectuals? Is that truly my order? It does not sound like a command that I would make.”
And Esther answered: “The event is scheduled for the Ides of Adar; but Your Majesty is correct in doubting its origin in yourself, for although your rex ring has officially stamped it, that was rather like an auto-pen signature, and the author of the decree is an enemy not worth your trouble.”
“What!?” roared the rex: “Who is this adversary? Name names!”
Queen Esther gestured toward the third member of their three-person banquet, and said: “It is all the fault of Ham Face.”
Then she handed to the rex a dossier of inside info that her guardian Mordecai had gathered, as proof of this claim.
The rex paged through the paperwork, carefully reading it while gulping wine from his grail. Suddenly, Tyrannosaur looked up and said to his wife: “You are a prophetess of the Volcano? How come you never told me this?”
Esther answered: “I feared the consequence, in light of the anti-intellectual atmosphere in Wonderland, not to mention your executive order.”
The rex then said, in a voice of love: “There is no need to be afraid.”
Meanwhile, Ham Face sat trembling beside the rex.
When Tyrannosaurus had seen enough proof, he slammed shut the dossier and arose from the banquet of wine and said: “This revelation has inflamed my wrath. I shall go into the palace garden to stroll for a spell; there I will collect my thoughts and decide what to do.”
And once the rex had left the banqueting hall, Ham Face immediately threw himself at the feet of Queen Esther, and he wept and begged for mercy, since he saw that evil was determined against him by the rex.
Now when Rex Tyrannosaur returned from the garden, he saw Ham Face on the floor clutching the feet of the queen; and the rex said in a loud voice: “Is your villainy not yet complete, Ham Face, that you attempt to seduce my wife right here in my house?”
And Ham Face blanched when this was spoken.
Then one of the robo-chamberlains appeared from the outer court and announced that the gallows were now made ready. And, aiming his royal scepter at Ham Face, the rex replied: “Hang him thereon.”
So they hanged Ham Face on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai.
Chapter 8
On that day, Rex Tyrannosaur gave the house of Ham Face, enemy of intellectuals, unto Esther the queen. And her guardian Mordecai was awarded his own suite within the palace.
And the rex removed his ring from the corpse of Ham Face, and transferred it onto the hand of Mordecai.
Then Esther spoke to the rex again, requesting that the executive order from Ham Face, which scheduled the elimination of all intellectuals, be annulled and reversed.
Rex Tyrannosaurus answered Esther, saying: “Behold, I have given my royal ring to your beloved guardian Mordecai. Write whatever you like, in the name of the rex, and seal it. It shall then be the lex of the land.”
So Esther and Mordecai met with the royal lawyers, and they drew up an executive order to override the offensive one. And they made copies of this countermand, and translated them into every tongue, and sent these all throughout the rexdom of Wonderland, by posts on horseback, and riders on mules, and young dromedaries.
And the decree now stated that the intellectuals of every city should collectively defend themselves against their would-be exterminators: to stand for their life, to destroy, to slay, and to cause to perish, any powers that assault them on the Ides of Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a reward.
Now Mordecai went out from the presence of the rex in royal apparel of blue and white, and with a great crown of gold, and with a garment of fine linen and purple: and the country of Wonderland rejoiced and was glad.
After the lex change, the intellectuals were slightly less pessimistic than they usually are. Believe it or not, intellectualism itself became fashionable for a while: thus, people whose tendencies had never previously inclined that way now embarked upon becoming intellectual, and they slowly but surely began to think their first thoughts.
THE END
