A father-son ousting

Chapter 15

Sometime later, Absalom organized a parade with ornate coaches and horses, and fifty dancers to twirl before him. Then he rode all around the caravansary, popularizing his name and ingratiating himself to everyone. And all the floats and chariots in his procession carried vast banners that said: “Absalom for President,” because he was determined to win the country away from his father.

Absalom’s daily routine was to ride up early and stand beside the way to the presidential residence, where all the people would come to have their legal problems resolved by David. Absalom would call to every plaintiff who passed by, and ask them: “Hey, friend, where are you going?” And when the man would answer: “I am here to sue so-and-so for such-and-such,” Absalom would then say: “Ah, too bad the current Prez, David, my father, is so busy that he cannot sit to judge any new cases; so you will just have to suffer injustice and say goodbye to your rights. Yes, it’s unfortunate that I, Absalom, am not the president of the caravan, because I would give you a swift hearing, and judge your case fairly, and decide in your favor.”

Also, if any wayfarer ever came near to do him obeisance, Absalom would put forth his hand, and kiss that person.

So, in this manner did Absalom charm the hearts and minds of the populace. Keep in mind that he was a very good-looking man.

§

Now it happened that, after four years, Absalom said unto the president: “Father, I pray you, let me go and pay my vow. For I vowed a vow unto Yahweh, in the buffer zone of Chaos. Lo, during those years when I was in exile, as I was living in the Kingdom of the Big People, with my grandfather Tall Man King of the Giants, I vowed a vow saying: ‘O Yahweh, if you shall bring me again to the presidential residence, to see my father in Eldorado, then I will serve the volcano of potential in that old log cabin in the forest, the Black Lodge, which my father built back in the day, and where he contested the presidency of Saul.’ For you, O father, have been governing so long from this new residence here in Sweet Beulah Land, and I am eager to trek out and take a look around at your older, original headquarters: I’m curious to know what it feels like to stand in the same place where you used to stand, back when you were a young rebel with your gang of filibusters attempting to overthrow Saul’s regime.”

And David said to his son: “Go in peace.”

So Absalom arose and went to the Black Lodge.

But Absalom dispatched secret agents throughout all the caravansary, instructing them like so: “As soon as I transmit to you the signal, then you shall shout: ‘Absalom is now President in the Black Lodge!’”

And two hundred wayfarers followed Absalom out of Eldorado. They were just honest admirers who did not expect foul play; who had no intention of attending an insurrection, but were simply caught in the middle of larger forces.

§

Now President David had a counselor in his cabinet who was a televangelist named Billy Graham. Absalom hired this man away from the president, and Mr. Graham came to serve at the Black Lodge. Thus did Absalom’s conspiracy gain strength, and the number of its supporters continued to grow.

Then one of President David’s agents came and told him: “Beware, the hearts of the pilgrims of the caravan are beating for Absalom.”

So David said unto all his staff members that were there with him in Eldorado: “We need to vacate this place. I’m afraid that President Absalom might attack. Let us depart, lest he come with filibusters and pillage the city, and ambush us to overthrow our government.”

And David’s staff members all answered: “As you wish. You’re the boss.”

So David and his cabinet abandoned the presidential residence, and all his staff and interns followed after him. The only people David left behind were ten of his concubines to do the housekeeping.

§

Thus, President David snuck away from his own official headquarters; and he hid in a place that was far away. And all his filibusters and mercenaries from the Abyss, the six hundred and sixty-six paramilitaries who at once protected David and kept him tied to the Creditor Class, accompanied him during this move.

Now, among the above, President David noticed a thug who had only recently joined his mob: Ittai the Gittite; he was a great fat hitman and exceptionally slow-witted. David called out to him, saying: “Why are you coming along with us? You just escaped from jail in your native country – what reason is there for you to share our fate as we’re ousted from power? Look, now I must scramble from place to place, like a terrified mouse. Don’t waste your new freedom; it’s only your first week living here: go join the other president and live prosperously. No hard feelings.”

But Ittai the Gittite answered the president, and said: “I hear you talk of war-god Jah: that’s my god too. Where Jah goes, I go.”

Then David maintained his composure and said: “Fine, continue.”

Thus Ittai the Gittite remained David’s gangster.

§

And as David’s regime deserted the presidential residence in Sweet Beulah Land, and made their exodus from that part of Eldorado, all the people who lived thereabouts wept with a loud voice. And they watched the administration and militia of David pass over the Potomac River, and all the thugs of the disgraced president’s filibusters wandered along with the Black House staff toward the way of the wilderness.

Also, among the outcasts were Nicholas the robo-bellboy and his assistants, helping to bear the Ark of Remembrance: they set down that mobile museum so that everyone could gaze upon it as they passed. And the robo-butler Man was there as well.

Then, when everyone had made it out of the city, the president said unto the android Nicholas: “Carry back the ark into the city. We don’t need to bring Yahweh with us into the wilderness again. If the volcano of potential favors me, then I will return someday and see the ark’s habitation; but if I am destined to be destroyed, then, so be it: why drag God down with us?”

Then President David said to the android Man, artificial grandchild of King Bryan: “Are you robo-butlers not all seers? Return with your bellboy Nicholas into the city. Go peacefully: don’t start any brawls. And take your grandkid-substitutes with you, the two adopted sons of Nicholas, who have been such a comfort to the bot in his infertility.”

Ghostwriter’s Note:
On the fake sons of Nicholas

That last sentence above is the scripture’s first mention, after Geppetto’s demise, of the robo-bellboy Nicholas having acquired artificial heirs of his own. For, what the president said about the droid being barren was true; this was mentioned before, during the so-called face-smashing affair: the episode where the image of Yahweh, which stands atop the lid of the ark, fell directly onto the robot’s adopted son, and killed Geppetto by punching his nose through his brain. Following that tragedy, to make up for the mishap, the Volcano hired Doctor Frankenstein to reconstruct the corpse’s damaged face; for this, he performed wooden surgery (plastic surgery with wood); and since the rest of the body had been half cremated by accident, the doctor reanimated Geppetto by swapping out all his organs with wires and electricity, thus resulting in a cyborg with a long wooden implant for a nose. Nicholas christened this refurbished firstborn Darth Geppetto, which means “Lava burnt me up, but my soul survived.”

And the second fake son of Nicholas was Racecar Rob, another cyborg whose nonhuman half was a hot-rodded prewar British Rover 10.

[End of Ghostwriter’s Note.]

So, to repeat, David told the mechanical ark-bearers and their adopted offspring: “Return to Eldorado, while I and my staff wander off into the wilderness, to hide from President Absalom.” And he added: “I will tarry there, until one of you sends word to inform me.”

Nicholas the robo-bellboy therefore and Man the android carried the ark of God back to Eldorado: and they parked it there and waited.

Then David ascended Mount Olivet, and he wept as he went up. Beforehand he had changed into his Outfit of Lamentation, which is purposely shoeless, therefore he was barefoot. And all his staff and the members of his cabinet followed suit and went up likewise, weeping ostentatiously.

And an intern came and told David, saying: “Your counselor Billy Graham is a double agent: he lurks among the conspirators with Absalom.”

So David prayed, saying: “O Yahweh, turn the counsel of Billy Graham into foolishness.”

Then it came to pass, that when David reached the top of the mount, where he worshipped God, behold, Fred Rogers, the host of the TV show Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood came to meet him with his iconic cardigan zipper sweater torn, and earth on his head. (These acts of rending one’s attire and shampooing with dirt, in the culture of television personalities, are physical expressions of profound sorrow.)

And David said to Mister Rogers: “Dear Fred, if you continue with me into the wilderness, then you will be a burden; but if you return to the city, and say unto Absalom: ‘I will be your advisor, O president; as I have been your father’s advisor hitherto,’ then you might be able to defeat the counsel of Billy Graham. Also, the robo-butler Man and his son Nicholas the robo-bellboy shall be there with you; thus it shall be, that what thing soever you hear in the president’s secret meetings, you can tell it to Nicholas and Man, my android spies. Behold, they have there with them as well the bellboy’s two adopted sons: Darth Geppetto and Racecar Rob; by them, you shall send me all the intel that you can gather.”

So Fred Rogers, David’s friend, went back to the city, as Absalom advanced into Eldorado.

Attempting to mend a rift in the family

Chapter 14

Now Joab the Godfather, President David’s Top Thug, perceived that David’s heart was toward Absalom.

So Joab went to the School of Prophets on Whitney Drive in Apple Valley, near Bryan’s old apartment; and he found a wise woman who was working as a prophetess there, and Joab said unto her: “I would like to trick the president into inviting his self-banished son to come home. Will you help me? I will pay you handsomely.”

And the prophetess said: “Keep your money; we all hate finance here. But I will help you, because I enjoy doing this type of thing.”

So this wise woman devised a plan where she would pretend to be in mourning. Thus she designed new mourning apparel, which was tailored to show off her figure; for she was a voluptuous and attractive prophetess. She donned this raiment and scheduled a meeting with the president, whereat she said: “Mister President—”

And President David interjected: “Please, call me Dave.”

So the woman said: “Dave, I am a damsel in distress.”

And the president answered: “O tell me what is ailing you; for I will do anything to win your favor.”

Then the prophetess said to the president: “As you can see, I am in mourning,” and she smoothed her hands over her outfit; then she continued: “for I am a widow; but listen – it’s not only my husband Shaddai who is dead: I have two sons, named Christ and Satan (they’re my only family left in the world), and lo: they two strove together in the field, and nobody dared to part them, so Christ ended up smiting Satan, his brother, so that Satan died. Now, behold, the whole congregation of heaven rose up against me, and they said: ‘Deliver Christ to justice for slaying his brother, that we may administer capital punishment: Christ must die on the cross for this sin, as that is the law; and our God is a perfect God: he does not forgive without blood sacrifice; just ask Saint Paul the Apostle, who authored our tradition. So you see, Mister President, that these heavenly accusers, these sticklers for divine justice, so as to avenge the loss of Satan, desire to eliminate my Christ, who is the only heir I have left! This shall erase my husband Shaddai’s tetragrammaton and remainder from the world.”

[Ghostwriter’s note: a tetragrammaton is an unspeakable four-letter word signifying the hypostasis of an alien dignitary.]

Then the president said to the prophetess: “Wait just a moment while I draw up an executive order for you.”

And the wise woman said: “Don’t forget to restrain these blood avengers bent on punishment: Do not let them crucify my Christ. In the name of the Volcano, as God only acts and is in existing beings, do not forsake my son!”

And President David answered: “As Yahweh lives, not one hair of your son shall fall to the earth.”

Then, when he had finished drawing up the executive order, the president signed it, and he stood and came out from behind his desk to hand the document to the prophetess. And they played the rest of the scene very close together.

The wise woman now said: “Let me speak just one word more to you, Dave.” And her red lips were almost touching the president’s ear when she whispered this.

And he said: “Say on.”

Then she said: “You protected me against the evil judgment of my accusers; but why do you take the side of the accusers in the case of the caravan? For just as I would save the Lord by redeeming my Christ; so you, dear Dave, must welcome back your son Absalom. For we all must die: we are like water that is spilt upon the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. Therefore waste no more time: the volcano of potential will reward you, if you reverse the exile of Absalom.”

And after whispering all these words, the lips of the prophetess met the lips of the president, and she punctuated her speech with a long, deep kiss.

Then, once President David caught his breath, he said to the woman: “Did Joab put you up to this?”

And the wise woman smiled and said: “I won’t lie; Joab approached me with the proposal. But the rest was entirely my idea. I only follow the whim of my heart.” Then she kissed him again, and pushed him back upon the desk; and they began in haste to disrobe.

§

Later, President David said unto Joab: “OK, ‘Godfather,’ I have done this thing. Go, therefore, and bring my boy Absalom back home again.”

Joab smiled slightly and bowed, and he thanked the president; then he added: “I hope that you can forgive my tactic.”

David answered and said: “Forgive! By God’s hooks, Joab, you make me wish that all the rest of my sons were banished, so that I could suffer similar suasions.” And they both laughed heartily.

So Joab arose and went to the Land of the Giants, and conducted Absalom to Eldorado.

And President David instructed Joab in private, saying: “Bring my son Absalom to his own house; but let him not come into my presence, just yet.”

So Absalom returned straight to his own house, without seeing his father the president.

Now in all the caravansary, there was no man as beautiful as Absalom: from head to foot, he was a dreamboat: perfect from the day that he was created. And he had such thick, abundant hair that he was forced to trim it annually, lest it grow too heavy upon him.

Also, Absalom had four children, of which one was a daughter whom he named Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.

§

Now in addition to the three years that he spent in the Land of the Giants, after returning to the caravansary, Absalom dwelt another two full years in Eldorado; but during none of this time did he ever see his father, President David. Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, the Top Thug of David’s filibusters, to request that he set up a meeting for him with the president; but Joab did not answer Absalom: and when he tried to contact Joab a second time, he would not come. So, Absalom said to his household’s servants: “Look over there at our neighbor Joab’s property. See his barley field? Go set it on fire.” Then Absalom’s servants went and set the field on fire.

At this point, Joab the Godfather arose, and paid Absalom a visit at his house, and said unto him: “Why have you set my barley field on fire?”

And Absalom answered Joab, saying: “Behold, I tried to contact you, to request that you set up a meeting between me and the president, but you kept ignoring me. How else was I to get your attention? But now that I have it, tell me: Why did I come back from the Kingdom of the Big People? It would have been better for me to remain there, because here I’m a pariah: my father the president will not even talk to me. I don’t understand the problem – I thought I was forgiven, since he wanted me to return: if there remains any iniquity in me, then let him kill me.”

So Joab the Godfather met with President David, and relayed this message. Then the president summoned Absalom, and he came to his father, and bowed himself on his face to the ground: and the president kissed Absalom.

A family affair

Chapter 13

Later, David’s son Amnot fell in love with his own sister Tamar. He was so vexed, that he became sick; for she was a virgin; and he thought it hard for him to do anything to her.

Now Amnot had a friend who was a serpent, and he was very subtle; and he said unto Amnot: “Why are you always so lean and dour? Behold, you’re the son of the president; shouldn’t you be well-fed and happy? Tell me, what’s wrong?”

And Amnot said to the serpent: “I am in love with Tamar, my biological sister. Isn’t that taboo? Doesn’t that render me insane or something?”

And the serpent said unto Amnot: “You’re no more insane than your ancestors Abram and Sarah, for they were exactly like you and Tamar, insofar as they had the same father but different mothers (see Genesis 20:12). But if you’re lovesick, then I say: Let that work to your advantage. Climb into bed, and sprawl there moaning; then, when your father David comes to see you, say to him: ‘I pray you, let my sister Tamar come and prepare soup for me, and convey it to my lips, and feed me, in order that I might regain strength; for I am weak, and only Tamar can nurse me to health.’”

So Amnot did this. Then President David sent for Tamar, saying: “Go to your brother Amnot and serve him soup, for he is ill and needs your care.”

Tamar therefore went to Amnot, and brought him soup; and she set up a tray at his bedside, and spooned the soup to his lips; but he would not eat. Then Tamar said: “Are you near death’s door, so that you have no appetite?”

And Amnot whispered: “The room is overcrowded. Tell all the servants to leave.” And Tamar dismissed all the servants from the room.

Then, once the room was empty, Tamar returned to the soup tray at the bedside, but Amnot sprang forth and clutched her, and said: “Come lie with me, my sister.”

Yet she begged him to desist, saying: “Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Eldorado. Turn back from this folly. For where will I go, if you bring shame upon me? And, in your case, you’ll be despised within the caravan, and branded for life as a loathsome predator. Therefore, please, just speak to our father the president: he will certainly give me unto you.”

Howbeit Amnot refused to listen; but, being stronger than Tamar, he forced her, and lay with her.

And after that, Amnot found his sister repulsive: the hatred that he felt for her now was greater than the love that he felt before. So Amnot said to his sister: “Get out of my sight.”

And Tamar said to her brother: “O, God, please, no! To send me away, at this point, would be more evil than the crime of your assault.”

But, again, he would not listen to her. Instead, Amnot called his servant and said: “Remove this woman from my presence, and bolt the door after her.”

Now Tamar was wearing a garment of diverse colors: for, in those days, this was how maidens indicated their virginity. And her brother’s attendant escorted her from the room. Then, when the door closed and she heard the bolt lock, she tore her garment of diverse colors, and she went away weeping.

§

Tamar sought out her other brother, Absalom, and told him what happened. He answered: “You say it was Amnot, our brother, who did this to you? Hmm. For the time being, I advise you to keep quiet about it, because he is family. Try not to dwell on it.”

So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.

And when President David heard about the matter, he was enraged. Yet, since Amnot was his firstborn, David favored him: therefore he did nothing to reprimand Amnot.

Now Absalom spoke neither pleasantly nor hostilely to his brother Amnot; although Absalom hated Amnot for forcing his sister Tamar.

§

Two years later, Absalom set a plan in motion: he decided to throw a lavish party where there would be sheepshearing and winebibbing. And he invited all the presidential offspring.

President David himself could not make it to Absalom’s party, but all David’s sons agreed to go. And Amnot was among the brothers of Absalom who planned on attending.

Now Absalom gave orders to his servants, saying: “You shall help me host this party. There shall be sheepshearing and winebibbing. All my brethren, the sons of the president, are going to be there. Here is what I want you servants to do. Keep your eyes on my brother Amnot: while you shear his sheep, keep refilling his cup; and when his heart is merry with wine, await my command. As soon as I tell you: “Smite Amnot!” then stab your shears into his back.

So the servants did exactly as Absalom instructed, and Amnot was executed. At that moment, all his brethren, the president’s sons, arose at once and fled, fearing that their lives too were in danger.

Thus, they left all their sheep behind, half shorn.

§

And it came to pass, before any of the partygoers could fully grasp what had happened, that a false report came to President David, saying: “Absalom has murdered all your sons; there is not one left.”

Then the president arose and tore his outfit, and all his staff and cabinet members donned mourning attire.

Remember the serpent who advised Amnot to feign sickness in order to gain access to his sister? Well, this same serpent now came to President David and said: “Let not the president suppose that all his sons have been assassinated; for only Amnot is slain. His death was preordained by Absalom from the day that Amnot forced his sister Tamar.”

Then the watchman at the presidential residence cried out that he saw many people approaching. So everyone went to the window and looked out. And the serpent said to President David: “Behold, your sons are coming to see you. They are all alive, except Amnot, just like I said.”

And it happened, once the serpent had spoken, that reality bore out the tenor of his words: All the president’s sons then entered into the residence, and David embraced them, and they all lifted up their voices and wept.

§

But Absalom had fled and gone into hiding: he was now living with Tall Man King of the Giants, his maternal grandfather. Absalom spent the next three years there, in the Land of the Big People. And David mourned for his estranged son every day: for his grief over the death of Amnot had subsided, and now the soul of President David longed for Absalom.

The fate of David’s adulterously conceived child

Chapter 12

Then Yahweh God paid President David a visit. And he said: “Greetings. I’m back for a short while – I’ve been in the far east, I’m still working with those nations; I really like them, and I shall return before long, but I desired to talk to you about something I witnessed over there: I would like to get your opinion on it.”

President David said to Yahweh: “Speak on. I’m all ears.”

Then Yahweh said: “OK, listen. There were two men in the city; one was rich, and the other poor. The rich man had everything: numberless possessions, all the latest comforts – he was lazing in luxury. But the poor man had nothing, except for one little goat, which he had raised and nourished from its birth: and this goat grew up with the poor man, and they lived in a tiny dwelling together, and they shared the same food and drink, each day; and, every night, the little goat went to sleep in the man’s bosom; and he loved this goat as if it were his own child. Now, behold: one day, a relative of the rich man came to visit him, and the rich man wanted to prepare a meal for his guest, but instead of taking a beast from his own flocks or herds (which were abundant), this rich man snatched the little goat from the poor man’s bosom, and slaughtered it, and cooked it for a feast for him and his guest.”

Now David’s anger was so greatly kindled that he interrupted the parable and said: “I swear to God, that man who did this shall surely die!”

Lord Yahweh gazed upon David in silence after this outburst. At last, he said: “You are that man.”

President David was dumbstruck.

Then Yahweh continued, saying: “I anointed you to be the caravan’s president, and I protected you from Saul’s hitmen and assassins. I gave you your master’s office, and I let you possess his wives; and, in addition, if you had asked, I would have given you ten times more. So why did you set a murder trap for Uriah? You stole his wife and stabbed him in the back. And you acted in secret, privately conniving, under the cloak of darkness. I truly thought you were better than that.”

Then David cried: “I have sinned against the Volcano.” And he fell on his face and wept so sore that the whole house could hear.

And Yahweh said: “Do not wallow in your iniquity. All sins are forgiven. You will not die for this. I will extenuate the karmic doom that was prompted. Howbeit, I urge you to abandon hubris: bad luck may yet come of this; for you have caused a great disturbance in the volcano of potential.”

Then Yahweh departed from the house.

§

Now Uriah’s wife brought forth unto David a child: and it was born very sick. President David therefore besought the volcano of potential on behalf of the child; and David put on coarse garments and fasted all day and night. And his chiefs of staff came and tried to persuade him to come to the table, but he would not join them to dine, neither would he touch the meals that they brought him.

Then, on the seventh day, the child died. And the staff at the presidential residence feared to tell David this news; for they said: “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we tried to speak to David, but he was too grieved to listen: so, he may descend altogether into madness, if he hears that the child is dead.”

But when David saw his staff members whispering together, he deduced that the child must have died: therefore, he asked his staffers directly: “Is the child dead?” And they answered: “He is dead.”

Then David arose, and washed, and anointed himself, and put off his coarse clothes, and changed back into his presidential outfit; then he visited the Volcano’s Tabernacle, and meditated before the Furnace of Potential. Finally, David returned to his own residence; and when the meal was served, he joined the rest of his administration at the table and dined.

Then one of his chiefs of staff said unto the president: “I’m afraid to offend you, but may I ask about your perplexing behavior? For you did fast and weep, while the child was alive; but now that he’s gone, you rise and eat. Is not mourning normally performed after a death?”

And David answered: “While the child had life, I fasted and wept; for I said within my heart: ‘who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, and heal the lad’s illness?’ But now that he’s dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? No: I shall go to him, on my own last day (for we all must die); but he shall not return to me. For resurrection is impossible.”

Now, just when David finished speaking, the Lord Yahweh entered the room together with Bath-sheba, who held the infant in her arms: and, behold, the child was no longer sick and distressed, but he had revived, and was now healthy and serene.

Seeing this, the president wept with joy, and leapt up from his place at the table, and in happy tears he kissed the babe and his wife. Then he cried unto Yahweh: “Dear friend, what is this that I see?”

And the Lord Yahweh answered and said: “In the morning, I came to visit Bath-sheba your wife; she had lamented all night long, and was now nearly unresponsive, since the child had passed away. So I went to look in the crib. And when I examined the child, lo, there was neither voice, nor hearing.”

Now Bath-sheba herself, impatient with elation, interrupted Yahweh and said: “The LORD then leaned forward, and put his mouth over the child’s mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and he aligned their hands, palm to palm: and he held this pose until the child became warm again; but he was not breathing yet. Seeing this, I knew not whether to laugh or cry; I just kept repeating: “Voodoo, be true! Voodoo, be true!” The LORD had stepped back and was pacing to and fro within the room; then he returned and tried again. He positioned himself as before, and after a few moments, the child began to stretch: then he sneezed seven times and began to breathe, and the child opened his eyes!”

Thus did Yahweh comfort President David and his wife: and he gave them back their son. And the Volcano named him Solomon, which means “For the sake of peace, we break the sword” (an allusion to his favorite passage from Nietzsche): and Lord Yahweh loved the lad.

And President David christened the child Jedidiah, which means “He is risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.” But Yahweh insisted that the lad be called Solomon.

§

Meanwhile, President David’s filibusters, under the leadership of his Top Thug Joab, continued to fight against the Canadians.

David & Bath-sheba

Chapter 11

Now let us back up a little and look at a story that happened while the caravan was still at war with Canada. David had sent his Top Thug Joab the Godfather out, along with his brother Moe, to battle the Canadians; and President David remained in Eldorado.

Then it happened that, one evening, David went for a stroll upon the roof of his presidential residence. And while he was walking up there, he saw a woman bathing nude in a swimming pool nearby, and she was very beautiful to look upon.

So David wrote a letter to the woman, which said: “To the bathing beauty whom I am just now beholding from my rooftop: I am David the President of the Caravan; are you not Bath-sheba, the wife of my soldier Uriah who is currently fighting in the Canadian War? Please write back as soon as you can, I’m longing to meet you.” Then he sealed the paper in an envelope, and put a stamp on it, and he wrote a postscript on the exterior: “Destroy this immediately after you have read it!” And he dropped it into the mailbox.

The caravan’s postal service was speedy. The woman received David’s letter while she was still in the pool; then, in lieu of writing back, she simply wrapped herself in a towel and ambled over to the presidential residence.

Now the robo-butler appeared in David’s office to inform him that there was a beautiful woman at the door wearing nothing but a towel. Yet, before the bot could even finish speaking its message, the woman herself came in unto David: and she lay with him. Then she returned unto her house.

And the woman conceived, and sent and told the president, saying: “I am with child.”

So President David summoned his Top Thug Joab the Godfather, saying: “You know that beautiful woman Bath-sheba? Go fetch her husband; the man named Uriah. He is among our filibusters, battling Canada.” And Joab sent Uriah to David.

Now when Bath-sheba’s husband Uriah showed up in David’s office, the president asked him how the fighting was coming along, and how the war prospered. “War is hell,” answered Uriah. “Why do you ask?”

Then President David said to Uriah: “How would you like a little vacation from the horrors of warfare? Why don’t you go down to your house, and take a dip in the pool with that wife of yours. You’ve been a good soldier, and you deserve a break: exchange one type of action for another type of action, if you can catch my double meaning. I’m just trying to make sure that my finest fighters feel appreciated.” And the president ushered Uriah out of his office; then David ordered his chefs to prepare a great platter of foods that were known to be aphrodisiacs, and this he sent to the house of Uriah, along with a bar cart containing bottles of wine and spirits.

But instead of returning to his house that night, Uriah slept in a tent of the barracks, in the solders’ quarters outside the presidential residence, with the other servicemen who were there.

Now when David found out that Uriah had not gone home, he hastened in and asked him directly: “Uriah, my friend, haven’t you had a long journey, and wouldn’t you like to get some good rest at your own house?”

Then Uriah answered President David and said: “The ark of God, and the rest of the caravan, and all my fellow soldiers abide here in tents; so does Joab our captain; meanwhile, all the other officers and service members are camped out in the open battlefield. Shall I then go enjoy the comfort of my house, to wine and dine, and to lie with my wife? As Yahweh lives, I will not do this thing.”

So President David said to Uriah: “Tarry here two more days; then I’ll let you depart.”

So Uriah remained in Eldorado that day and the morrow, during which time the president invited him to a banquet. And over the course of the meal, David made Uriah drunk. Yet, at even, instead of stumbling home to sleep with his wife, Uriah went out to lie on his cot in the barracks again with the other servicemen.

So, in the morning, David wrote an official order to his Top Thug Joab, and he sealed it in an envelope; then he sent this by the hand of the soldier Uriah. And what the order said was as follows:

“Position Uriah so that he is at the forefront of the hottest battle. Then fall back away from him, so that he gets struck down dead.”

And it came to pass, when Captain Joab led his forces into the city, that he assigned Uriah to stand in a place where he knew that there would be the most chaotic violence.

Then the enemy warriors charged out and rampaged savagely. Quickly Joab caused the rest of his forces to retreat, though a few of his troops were slaughtered in the attack: and Uriah died also.

Then Joab sent an errand boy to tell David the results of the battle, and he instructed the lad, saying: “When you have finished reporting the bad news of our loss, if the president asks in anger: ‘Why did you fight so stupidly, so that all these soldiers got wiped out?’ Then say very clearly: ‘Your pal Uriah is also among the dead.’”

So the errand boy went and told President David the full report, saying: “Ah, how awful! The enemy prevailed against us. They came out into the field and slaughtered many soldiers from our front line. And, O! worst of all is that Bath-sheba’s husband Uriah is deceased.”

Then President David said to the errand boy: “Here is my return message unto Captain Joab: ‘Dear Sir, weep not; for the sword devours one as well as another, and battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won.’”

And when Bath-sheba heard the news of her husband’s death, she mourned for the required amount of time; after which David sent a procession of security personnel to transfer her to his presidential residence; and she became his wife, and bare him a son.

David vs. Canada

Chapter 10

For those of you who don’t know your geography, Canada is the country directly north of the Volcano’s caravan. Being neighbors, the caravan and Canada had always treated each other with politeness, and they had maintained good relations for many centuries.

Now it came to pass that the King of Canada died. And the Creditor Class had been waiting for this to happen, so they replaced the King with a select committee of moguls, which of course they called a democracy.

Then said President David: “I will show kindness unto our caravan’s northern neighbors, by sending them a choir of angels to sing a psalm of condolence regarding the recent death of their King, who was a shining god on earth. For they are nice people who live up there, and they were loyal to me when Eshbaal the Fire Lord contended my presidency.”

Thus David sent a choir of angels to the select committee of moguls that now ruled Canada, and the angels sung them the president’s dirge.

And, while the angels were singing, the Canadian oligarchy’s moguls whispered one to another, saying: “Is this a joke? Does the president of the caravan truly care about our dead monarch? Lo, we hated the King and were impatient for his demise. And now David sends us comforters? This must be an instance of ironic humor; but I find it cringeworthy.” And another oligarch answered and said: “David is spitting in our faces. He has offered us this choir neither in earnest nor as a goof, but the angels are espionage agents sent here to spy out our country. I do not believe I am evincing what psychologists call projection when I say that David intends to overthrow us and usurp our government.”

For these reasons, when the choir of angels had finished their song, the select committee seized them and used shears to cut holes in the angels’ white robes, so that the angels’ private parts were exposed; thus their costumes became like reverse bikinis: they covered everything except for their bosoms and their womanhood (all these angels happened to be female). The oligarchs furthermore shaved the hair of the angels’ pudenda so that it was in the shape of a downward arrow, to draw attention to their state of undress. Then they sent the angels away.

Now when this angelic choir returned unto President David, at first he was aroused, but this quickly turned to pity, when he noticed that the angels were greatly ashamed.

So the president said: “Tarry at Las Vegas until the fashion catches up with you.” And David comforted them, explaining that fads in clothing change at about the same rate that it should take for their hair to grow back.

§

Now when the Canadian oligarchs saw that they stank before David, the select committee sent and hired thirty thousand psychopaths to defend them.

And when President David heard this, he told his Top Thug Joab to round up all his filibusters.

Then the Canadian psychopaths came out onto the battlefield and attacked Joab the Godfather’s filibusters on the front side and on the back side. And when Joab saw this, he yelled to his brother Moe for help. This caused the psychopaths of Canada to back off and flee. So it looked like Joab and Moe had won the war.

And when President David was told that his Top Thug Joab was victorious, he came out of the Black Lodge with his cabinet members and began to taunt the Canadians. But then the psychopaths, while they were retreating, heard David’s taunts, so they came and attacked him and his staff. And David singlehandedly slaughtered seven hundred psychopaths in chariots, and forty thousand psychopaths on horseback, and he even slew the captain of the psychopaths whose name was Sherbet. (In case you’re wondering, Captain Sherbet’s flavor was rainbow: a blend of raspberry, orange, and lime.)

So when the moguls of the select committee of Canada saw that they were smitten before the caravan, they made peace with President David, and became his slaves. And the psychopaths that were hired to help the Canadians were then asked to leave, so they all tendered their resignations and went and found leadership positions within the United States.

David upholds his vow to Jonathan’s line

[The obligatory image is an ad with its words removed.]

Chapter 9

Now Jonathan, the son of ex-President Saul, had a son who was a peerless tap-dancer. His name was Meribaal. Now, Meribaal’s phenomenal skill in tap-dancing was acquired in the following way. The lad was five moments old when the news was reported that his father and grandfather died on the battlefield (recall that Jonathan and Saul both lost their lives fighting against the creditors, in the Valley of Exploding Earth); at that instant, his wetnurse picked up the babe Meribaal and attempted to breastfeed him while running, and they ended up tumbling down a lacquered expanse: So that’s where Meribaal learned all his fancy footwork.

The above backstory was worth mentioning here because this is the point in President David’s career when he turned to the members of his staff and asked: “Is there yet any person remaining in the family tree of Jonathan? For I promised his father Saul, the ex-president, that I would care for his descendants; plus Jonathan and I are bound by a contract that fuses our lineages.”

But the president’s research department was unaware of the tap-dancer Meribaal; so they phoned up the Black House (which is where the staff of Saul’s presidency still resided, as his late son the ex-Prez Eshbaal had not replaced them); and they ended up speaking to the chief manservant there, whose name was Ziba. And Ziba said: “Come, let the president visit our hearth, and we shall have a fireside chat.”

So David showed up at the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land. The great iron doors creaked open of their own accord, revealing a manservant stiffly standing there in a tailcoat. President David said: “Are you Ziba?” And the man said: “At your service.”

Then, when they had taken their seats before the fireplace, and brandy had been served, the president said unto Ziba: “Tell me now: Is there yet any person remaining in the lineage of Jonathan? For I am oathbound to show his survivors the kindness of God.”

And Ziba answered: “Jonathan has only a single remaining heir, who is a matchless tap-dancer.”

And the president said unto Ziba: “Where is the man?”

And Ziba answered President David, saying: “Behold, he is shackled to the wall of a dungeon in Golden-Age Hollywood.”

So President David sent filibusters to Hollywood, and they broke the man’s shackles and fetched him out of the awful dungeon. Then when Meribaal, the sole heir of Jonathan, was brought before the president, the man fell on his face, and did reverence. And President David said: “Are you Jonathan’s son Meribaal?”

And Meribaal answered: “Behold your servant!”

Then David said unto him: “Fear not; I will surely show you lovingkindness, for the sake of your father: because Jonathan and I have a contract together, like the one that you signed with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, from which our lawyers helped to release you; but my covenant with Jonathan is the opposite of repressive, moreover it is everlasting, binding us even beyond the grave – for traditional vows declare ‘till death do us part,’ but Jonathan’s friendship to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women: therefore I will restore to you the full legacy of Saul your grandfather; and you shall dine at my table with me forever.”

Upon hearing this, Meribaal bowed himself, and said: “This seems too good to be true, that you are mindful of me. For, what am I but a dead dog, in comparison to you, who are a living lion!”

Then the president called to Ziba, the chief manservant of the Black House, and said unto him: “I have given your master’s grandson everything pertaining to the ousted president: the entire patrimony is Meribaal’s. You, therefore, Monsieur Ziba, and your fellow servants, shall till the land for him, bring in the fruits, operate the harvesting machinery, and perform all the backbreaking labor on the demesne, so that your master’s grandson shall always recline in the lap of luxury. And he shall eat at my table: not at the Black House but in my Black Lodge. I don’t want anybody using the Black House anymore for official dinners; my aim is to make the cabin that I built in the Chaos Buffer Zone the new capital of our caravan.”

Then said Ziba unto the president: “I will do as you have commanded.”

“And, as for Meribaal,” David added, “in case I forgot to mention it, he should dine with me at my own table, every day, as one of the members of my presidential cabinet.”

And Meribaal had a young son, whose name was Michael Jackson. And all that dwelt in the Black House were servants to Meribaal.

So Meribaal dwelt in Eldorado with David, and he dined continually at the president’s table. And he was an exquisite tap-dancer.

What President David did, once peace was established

Chapter 7

So now President David had eliminated all his enemies, and the factions of the populace that were against him had been successfully suppressed, thus the caravan was at peace.

Now Yahweh God returned to visit his wayfarers. He had been spending his time in the far east, interacting with his nations over there; and he had not come to check on the caravan personally since the days of Samuel the Seer.

President David greeted Yahweh when he appeared; David recognized him immediately, not only from the idol atop the ark but because the men had met at David’s initial anointing.

The god Yahweh entered the Black Lodge and spoke to David, saying: “It has been a long time. What have I missed?”

David acquainted the LORD with all the recent developments. He thanked Yahweh for giving him good luck as of late, for blessing his translocation of the ark, and for granting his administration a much-needed rest from civil turmoil. David’s only sin of omission, during this briefing, was his failure to disclose the pact that he had made with the creditors.

Then President David clapped his hands and exclaimed to Yahweh: “Ah! how could I be so thoughtless and inconsiderate: Look, I dwell in this lodge of cedar, but your abode is still a curtained room in a tent!” For he was referring to the Tabernacle of Potential.

But the Volcano said to the President: “Go on, keep busy with your pet projects or whatever it is that preoccupies you: I will bless your endeavors. Why should you build me a more permanent dwelling when I’m barely ever here? The tent is fine: a traveling house for a traveling man. I have not had a fixed abode since the days when I led the workforce out of the Ancient Egyptian Empire. I have always simply used the tabernacle. It has a furnace: that’s all I need. Plus, remember: I own a vortex.”

And when the Volcano voiced that final word, the marvel itself appeared within the room, flaming and billowing out black smoke. Its aperture opened, and Yahweh stepped in; then, before he left, the god made one last remark to the president, as if it were an afterthought, and he said:

“I will bless you with a son. He can build me a temple.”

Then the vortex blazed away.

Chapter 8

Since, after meeting with the president on the above occasion, Yahweh God did not come straight back to the caravan (apparently, he had returned to the far east), President David decided to start warring against the surrounding nations.

So it came to pass that David’s stormtroopers slaughtered the Sea People, in a campaign of genocide. Then he invaded and massacred the inhabitants of the wilderness.

David also destroyed all the Hamburger Restaurant Chains, and his thugs killed Ronald McDonald, the clown mascot of the United States, and they hacked to pieces Mayor McCheese.

David also purposely polluted the Mississippi Waterworks. And he signed the order to slay Huck Trismegistus.

And David crashed a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen: and David sliced the legs off all the horses in the area, and his filibusters broke four hundred wooden chairs.

And when the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men.

Then David put garrisons in every swimming pool; so, if you desired to swim, you had to swim around the garrisons.

And David took the shields of gold from the bedroom of Athena and brought them to Jerusalem.

Also from Duluth of Minnesota, where my mother’s mother lived, as well as from Poplar of Wisconsin, where my father’s father lived, David took exceeding much brass.

When a gigantic toy became king of the store that was selling it, David used his slingshot to launch vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, and vessels of copper right at the huge thing’s face. So this was reminiscent of his fight with Goliath; therefore President David dedicated all the blood that was shed in the store that day unto Yahweh; but he gave all the metals to Medusa.

And he had his army pour cauldrons of syrup over the Harvardites, and the Floridians, and the Antarcticans, and they poured syrup over all the buns of the Hamburger Restaurants, and on the wig of the clown Ronald, and on the king of Zobah. Also they poured it on the Mexican Restaurant Zanteego’s.

And David smote the valley of salt, so that it ejected eighteen thousand salt-men. And they flew through the air.

And he brought girls to Edom; throughout all Edom he let girls loose, and they ran all over Edom screaming and giggling. But the Sound God shielded David’s ears wherever he went.

And David attacked Israel; and David executed all its people.

Transporting the Ark

Chapter 6

Again, President David gathered together the base of his supporters within the caravan, which was now thirty thousand strong, and he took the people, with the permission of the select committee, and led them up from his Black Lodge in the forest, on the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles, into the House of Gods (Beth-Elohim, A.K.A. Bethlehem) to bring up from thence the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance, which has upon its lid the Liberty Statue: a golden image of Yahweh posing between two cherubims.

Now the ark was stored in the summer house of King Bryan. (After Bryan translocated to Jupiter, he bequeathed possession of this place to his manmade children, the robo-butlers and their mechanical offspring.) At the time of our tale, the house was occupied by Nicholas the robo-bellboy, who had also been caring for the ark. Nicholas was the son of the android named Man, who was himself the son of the robo-butler Satyajit, King Bryan’s artificial firstborn. Now, since Nicholas the robo-bellboy was infertile, he could not follow the tradition of employing his own offspring to serve as his assistant, so he adopted a human ephebe named Geppetto.

Now they brought the Ark of Remembrance out of its summer house, and set it upon a newly made cart; for they feared that if they employed any carriage that had been previously used, it would insult God, who would bring a curse down upon them. A pair of bulls were yoked unto the cart, which was driven by the robo-bellboy Nicholas, who remained in the back, while Geppetto his assistant stood at the front of the ark by the beasts.

And as they transported the ark, President David and the multitudes of the caravan played before Yahweh all manner of instruments made of fir wood, namely: harps, and psalteries, and timbrels, and lyres, and sistrums, and cornets, and cymbals.

Now they were heading to the presidential residence, the Black Lodge, on David’s estate; and before they reached the forest where that was located, they came to David’s fields, for he also owned a large farm. And when the cart with the ark on it drew near to the cattle barn, behold, two cows came out to listen to the music. And when these cows saw the bulls that were pulling the cart, they bolted towards them, for they happened to be in heat, and they spraggled and waggled before the bulls, to seduce the bulls. So the bulls mounted up on the cows, and they did mate.

Now recall that the robo-bellboy Nicolas was at the back of the cart, driving it, while his assistant Geppetto was up in front, next to the bulls. Thus, during the above affair, when the bulls mounted the cows, the ark of God tipped over and fell upon Geppetto, so that the statue of Yahweh landed with its mouth smashing down on the fellow’s nostrils, as if he were breathing the breath of life into Geppetto’s body; except the opposite was occurring: for Geppetto had been knocked unconscious and his respiration was obstructed by the golden god. And before anyone dared touch the image of Yahweh, to remove it from its fallen position (for they feared that they would be cursed if they mishandled the LORD), Geppetto suffocated to death.

Thankfully, a replica of the robo-butler Man happened to be there in the crowd (for his model was mass produced briefly as a franchise during his peak popularity, in the days following the wilderness wanderings; one or two of which copies still circulated among the caravan), and he safely righted the ark while ensuring that the cows both conceived Seeds of Promise. Unfortunately, however, he could do nothing to save Geppetto, whose nose was crushed flat.

Now this freak fatality displeased President David, and he was angry with Yahweh for face-bashing Geppetto: so he nicknamed the locale “Death Kiss.”

And David was afraid to allow them to move the ark any further, for he said: “If they bring the ark to my lodge, it will cause bad luck.” So the president would not remove the Ark of Remembrance from the cattle barn where the mishap had occurred.

So the ark of Yahweh remained parked there in the cattle barn for the next three months. And during that time, the Volcano blessed the barn and caused it to prosper: all its livestock enjoyed a charmed existence.

Then this was made known to President David, when his farmhands told him: “Yahweh has blessed the barn and all that is in it; we have never seen the cattle so delighted.”

Thus David went and pulled the Ark of Remembrance out from the barn and into his presidential residence, with a happy heart. And the way he did this was to travel very slowly: the bulls were yoked unto the ark’s cart again; howbeit, every six paces David would pause their progress, to prepare a feast of grilled oxen and fatlings. And President David danced before Yahweh with all his might; and David was wearing nothing but his ephod: so, when he whirled, everyone could plainly see beneath it. Thus the president and all his staff members brought up the Ark of Remembrance with shouting, and singing, and playing of instruments.

Now when the ark of Yahweh came near to David’s Black Lodge, his wife Melanie espied the proceedings from a window of the presidential residence, where she stood richly attired behind the blinds: and she looked and saw her husband David the president leaping and whirling before the ark; and his wife desired him with all her soul.

And they brought in the ark of Yahweh, and situated it within the pantheon of the caravan, amid the celestial assemblage. And President David continued the banquet, and he blessed the multitudes in the name of the Volcano. Then he distributed to every individual who was in attendance that day: a cake of bread, and a good piece of flesh, and a flagon of wine.

So the feast continued. Then, around midafternoon, Melanie the wife of David broke forth from the Black Lodge where she had been observing the festivities, for she could no longer restrain her passion. And the president blessed her, and she came over to embrace David; and she said: “How glorious was the caravansary’s president this day, who danced before the ark with such abandon!”

Then First Lady Melanie joined President David in the dance, and they whirled and exposed themselves that day in full view of the public, and they were not ashamed.

And Melanie said unto David: “Praise the Volcano for choosing my father to lead the caravan, and for selecting you, O David my heart, to succeed in the presidency.” And the populace applauded.

It was additionally reported, by the farmhands of the president’s estate, that on the evening of that very festive occasion, there was seen in the fields a woman who was thinly disguised as a bovine, lowing and frisking with a shaman wearing a long-horned voodoo-helm. This was thought to be the First Couple re-enacting what befell at the cattle barn. Rumors also attest that this has since become their annual ritual.

An unauthorized assassination; David secures popular acceptance; donors’ demands

Chapter 4

When President Eshbaal the Fire Lord, son of Saul, heard that Captain Subnerd was dead in the Chaos Buffer Zone, he trembled in fear, and the pro-Saul faction of the caravan was distressed.

Now, in President Eshbaal’s Defense Forces, there were two lieutenants who secretly disliked the Fire Lord and were strong partisans of the late Captain Subnerd: their names were Bambi and Rambo; the latter being a veteran of Vietnam’s Resistance War against the U.S.; and the former being a white-tailed fawn born in a thicket in late spring.

These lieutenants Bambi and Rambo traveled on foot to the presidential residence in Sweet Beulah Land. They arrived, in the heat of the day, on the front lawn of the Black House. Now President Eshbaal the Fire Lord was napping at his desk, in the Oblong Office. And when Bambi and Rambo approached the entryway, behold, the officers who were supposed to be guarding the front door were both wholly preoccupied, staring at their handheld personal-messaging devices, so they did not notice the pair of camouflaged visitors sneaking past them. Lieutenants Bambi and Rambo tiptoed into the midst of the house, until they came to the Oblong Office, where President Eshbaal lay dozing at his desk. Then Bambi and Rambo smote the Fire Lord: their spears entered his back and came out his belly, and he was pinned to the desk. And Eshbaal died. Then they decapitated him, and took his head, and ran off.

Bambi and Rambo brought the head of President Eshbaal unto David in his Black Lodge, and they said: “Behold the head of Eshbaal the son of Saul your enemy. The Volcano has avenged you this day, Mister President.”

Then David answered the lieutenants Bambi and Rambo, and said unto them: “As Yahweh lives, I will tell you what happened the last time someone brought me news of a similar nature. When I was stationed at the Seven Churches of Ziklag, a messenger came and announced: ‘Behold, Saul is dead.’ He thought that he was bringing me good tidings. Would you like to know how I responded? I took hold of him, and slew him. The scoundrel thought that I would give him a reward! OK, so, now, knowing that: What should I do when I hear that a couple of barbarians have slain and beheaded a righteous man in the Volcano’s Holy House? Shall I not therefore require you to balance his blood, and take your life away from the face of the planet?”

Then President David commanded his thugs, and they slew the two lieutenants, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool at the Black Lodge. But they took the head of Saul’s son Eshbaal the Fire Lord, and buried it in the same place with Captain Subnerd.

Chapter 5

Then came all the multitudes of the caravan to David at the Black Lodge, and they spoke to him with one voice, saying: “Behold, we believe that you and your gang belong to our family of humankind, despite the violence of your regime. Lo, in days past, when Saul was our president, you were the one who turned the caravan into a killing machine, with all your military campaigns; hence our song about you: ‘Saul governed hundreds / David conquered millions.’ And then, when you joined the creditors and formed your mob of filibusters, you even warred against us, your countryfolk, and you provoked the death of our leaders. Now Saul is dead, and his son Eshbaal is dead, and even our Defense Force’s Captain Subnerd is dead. We have no choice therefore but to accept you as our leader; and the select committee of the caravan advises us to anoint you officially and to make a league with you. For this reason we have come.”

Thus did all the wayfarers cast one unanimous vote with their voice to allow David to serve as the caravansary’s next president.

Then when the Creditor Class learned that they had made David the President of the Caravan, they all came to lobby David. And when David heard that they were coming, he took refuge in his stronghold. But the creditors went down into the network of channels that were created by the jinn who live underneath the earth, and they sought diligently for David.

Now President David enquired of the Volcano by way of his ephod’s Urim, saying: “Shall I go up and meet with the creditors? And, if I do so, will you help me to know what to say?” And the Urim displayed the answer: “As I see it, yes.”

So President David surfaced from his bunker and went to the place that was later renamed “Deal-Seal,” and David spoke with various moguls and heads of cartels. And they told him that he should extinguish the rest of the pro-Saul factions that remained within the caravan. And when David argued that he had just received a unanimous voice-vote from the plurality of the electorate, the creditors claimed that most of these “voters” were in their employ, and the event had been stage-managed by their own special agents, thus there was still much work to be done. And they presented David with images that they had captured of him in embarrassing positions: they had obtained these images by way of secret spying. The creditors said: “Either appease us, or we will ruin you with this kompromat.” So David agreed to seal their deal. That’s why he named the place “Deal-Seal.”

So the creditors relinquished possession of the shameful images to David’s team, who burned them up. And the creditors swore on Yahweh’s life that they held no copies of these images in safekeeping for future extortion.

Then President David prepared to go on a military mission, with his filibusters, through the list of towns that the creditors had provided him, which were the places where the pro-Saul factions were known to dwell. Yet before he set out on his warpath, David inquired of the Volcano via the ephod’s Urim again, and he said: “Shall I do as my creditor overlords have commanded, and slay every man, woman, and child in these towns where my political opponents dwell?” And the Urim answered: “My sources say no.” So David asked again, saying: “What if I abstain from slaying the pro-Saul remainder within the caravan, and instead simply encircle them with my filibusters, until those who are against me agree to support my regime: is that a good idea?” Yet the Urim turned up a neutral indication: “Cannot predict now.” So David tried one last question – he asked: “How about my gangs fetch a compass behind the opposers, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees; then, when we hear the sound of a squadron of succubae rustling in the leaves, we dash for cover and allow these spirits from the Volcano to convince the naysayers of their error, using a ‘carrot or stick’ technique?” And the Urim answered: “Yes.”

So President David implemented this plan, as the Volcano had instructed him; and those pro-Saul factions, which remained unsupportive of David’s leadership, were made to sign confessions of approval, in all the places where their adherents existed, from Beulah Land to Eldorado.

David’s wives & kids — continued competition for the presidency — a revenge is accomplished

Chapter 3

Now there was long war between the two major factions within the caravan: the pro-Saul partisans versus the pro-David partisans. The former desired the ex-president’s son, Eshbaal the Fire Lord, to be the new president, whereas the David Clan was obviously in favor of having a President David. And the pro-David faction waxed stronger and stronger, while partisans of the son of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.

And David himself begat offspring in the Black Lodge of the Buffer Zone. His firstborn was called Amnot, which name means “No incestuous rapist am I.” His mother was Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth. Then Abigail from Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife, bore his second son Daniel Chileab, which means “My father is David, not Good Christian.”

And David’s third son was christened the same name twice, written in all capitals with a comma between and an exclamation point at the end: ABSALOM, ABSALOM! But, for short, he was usually called Absalom, just once, in lowercase, without punctuation. This name means “At peace with my father.” Absalom was born to David’s wife Medusa, the daughter of Tall Man King of the Giants.

[Ghostwriter’s note. This is the first time David’s wife Medusa has been mentioned in the present scripture. David met Medusa during his trip to the Land of the Giants, where he asked their Tall Man King for her hand in marriage; then they commingled (David and Medusa, not the Tall Man King) and produced the child ABSALOM, ABSALOM! And Medusa’s hair is made of snakes.]

David also had a few other wives that this scripture has not yet mentioned. Let me get them out of the way here. The three wives we know already are Melanie the daughter of Saul, Phalti’s wife; Abigail from Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife; and Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth. Then David acquired a fourth wife in Medusa. After that, he married Hera, the wife of Zeus; he did this when he visited Mount Olympus, during one of his massacres on behalf of the Creditor Class. So that was Wife Number Five, for David. Wife Six was Madonna the American singer-songwriter, known as the Queen of Pop Music, whom David met at the Grammy Awards Show. And his seventh wife, to date, was Melanie’s heifer: Milchy the Cow. He met Milchy down on the farm.

These latter concubines mothered David’s next few children:

David’s fourth child, by Hera, was Lord Jah (meaning “Jah is Lord,”) named after the same Lord Jah, a frenemy of Zeus. This Lord Jah, the fourthborn’s namesake, was himself his own son: he was actually three persons in one. (Nobody knew how he pulled this off.)

And David’s fifth child was Bebop Shepherd Shooby Dooby by Madonna. That name means “Bouncy musical phrase that keepeth sheep.” She conceived and brought forth this son when she was a virgin. And she still is, to this day.

The sixth and last of the sons of David to enter the world at this time was brought forth by Milchy the Cow. The babe was a golden calf, whom they named Complacent Population, which means “God is here among us now, born this day in a manger.” Now, it might occur to the keen reader that the only wife of David not to produce a child yet was Melanie, to whom the heifer Milchy belonged. According to rabbinic tradition, this is because Milchy the Cow was not, in fact, David’s seventh wife, but rather David’s first wife Melanie sporting a bovine outfit: thus she was doubling as her own rival. Ancient commentaries argue that Melanie did this to entice David to conjoin with her, so that she could conceive and bear multitudes. If this is true, then her plan was successful, for Melanie-as-Milchy ended up calving a Complacent Population, which fire proved to be unalloyed.

§

Again, the situation within the caravansary, now that its President Saul had died, was that there were two major factions vying for power: the pro-David camp had anointed David as the new prez, while its rivals had anointed the ex-president’s son Eshbaal the Fire Lord. There was no election: both these guys were simply acting as president at the same time. Thus, there was a war between them.

And Captain Subnerd of the caravansary’s defense forces was a proponent of the Saul faction, so he fought on the side of President Eshbaal. However, Subnerd himself harbored aspirations to the presidency as well; so he thought the best way to legitimize his standing, in the eyes of the caravan, would be to reinforce his place in the family tree of ex-President Saul. For this reason, Captain Subnerd hopped into the sack with one of the late Saul’s wives, whose name was Sizzling Hot Stone Rizpah.

So, getting wind of this, President Eshbaal the Fire Lord said to Captain Subnerd: “Why did you bed my father’s concubine?” (Note: Eshbaal was Saul’s son, but apparently of another mother than Sizzling Hot Stone Rizpah. Eshbaal the Fire Lord’s mother is left unnamed in this scripture, because women are not important.)

At this accusation, Captain Subnerd was furious with Eshbaal the Fire Lord; and Subnerd answered him and said: “Am I a dog’s head, that you insult me thus, after I’ve done so much work to help your presidency? I’ve saved you time and again from being slain by David’s filibusters, and you repay me by charging me with this fault? Forget you: I’m done captaining your army. I’m changing my allegiance; I’m switching over to support President David now. Let your father Saul’s legacy be inherited by David instead of you, Eshbaal – or I should rather call you Eshbosheth, for you are no ‘Fire Lord’ but a ‘Flame of Shame.’ Yes, henceforth, let me work to establish the presidency of David over the entire caravansary: from the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles to the base of Mount Purgatory; and from the Empire State building in Las Vegas all the way to Roman Fountain Seven, which is our Area 51.”

President Eshbaal the Fire Lord was speechless, after hearing these words from Captain Subnerd: he felt fear in his heart.

Then Subnerd sent angels to David on his behalf, saying: “May the land belong to you, exclusively, Mister President. If you will now make a league with me, I will use my powers as Captain of the Caravan’s Defense Forces to corral the entire populace so that they ditch your opponent and support only you.”

Then President David sent back these angels of Subnerd with the following message: “What you say pleases me. I will make a league with you, but on one condition. Here is the thing that I require: When you come to meet me, to make our alliance official, bring along with you Saul’s daughter Melanie, my wife. For you know that Saul, in his anger at me, gave my wife Melanie to be the wife of Phalti, and now I want her back. Behold, I slew two hundred robotic stormtroopers and arranged their foreskins in a basket to pay for this bride. Yet now, among my seven wives, all that has been keeping our bed warm in place of Melanie is her bovine Milchy, on whom I have begotten a Complacent Population, which needs a loving human mother.”

So President Eshbaal the Fire Lord, still terrified of Captain Subnerd, permitted the latter to take his sister Melanie from her husband Phalti and return her to President David. So Subnerd led Melanie forth from her home, and her husband went along weeping behind her, until they reached the balcony of Mount Olivet. At this point, Captain Subnerd stopped and spun around and said to the blubbering Phalti: “Go back home.” And Phalti returned.

Then Subnerd had communication with the select committee of the caravan, saying: “Lords, you have invested a lot of time and money on forcing the population to accept David as president: Now is the time to spring into action! Move and shake; do what you do with your untold powers, and make this happen. For I’m on your side now, since Eshbaal angered me.” Then the captain went to speak in the ears of the Fundamentalists, as well; and he wheeled and dealed with them. And finally Subnerd approached the Black Lodge in the buffer zone of Chaos, to discuss with David himself everything that he had gleaned from the select committee’s oligarchs, as well as the concerns of the Fundamentalists.

So Captain Subnerd entered that log cabin in the forest, which David built to serve as his presidential headquarters, with twenty soldiers accompanying him. And President David made a feast for Captain Subnerd and his men. And Subnerd said to David: “Like I explained to you earlier, I will use all my sway as Captain of the Defense Forces to gather the caravansary in support of you, so that you may rule over all that your heart desires.”

President David could have deceived Subnerd and executed him there on the spot; for, until now, Subnerd was one of David’s prime adversaries, being the commander of the enemy army; but David trusted what Subnerd said, so he sent him away in peace.

§

Now, behold, around the time of Subnerd’s visit, the filibusters of David were coming back after ransacking towns, being led by their Top Thug Joab the Godfather, and they brought in with them a great spoil. They had heard rumors that Captain Subnerd was meeting with the president, and they expected that there would be some sort of ambush: for this visit seemed to them like a perfect opportunity for a hit. But when they arrived at the Black Lodge in the buffer zone, lo, Subnerd was not there with David, nor was his corpse on the floor: for David had sent him away in peace.

Seeing this, the filibusters who were the first to enter the lodge turned back and ran to tell Joab the Godfather, saying: “Subnerd the son of Nerd met with the president, but David just let him walk free.”

Then Joab the Godfather, Top Thug of the filibusters, came to the president and said: “What’s the idea? They tell me that Subnerd was here, and you met with him, but you simply let him leave, and now he’s gotten away? You know that Subnerd is the son of Nerd, Saul’s uncle, and he’s a spy: he came to trick you: it’s a trap! You just let him accomplish his mission of espionage. Real smart, Dave. Now I have cleanup work to do.”

Then Joab stormed out of the president’s office and sent a gang of angels after Subnerd, which caught up to him and delivered an urgent message, saying that the president desires the captain to meet with his Top Thug Joab at the Fountain of Rome. (Although the actual President David knew nothing of this.) So Captain Subnerd complied, and stood waiting for Joab the Godfather at Fountain Seven.

And when Joab arrived, he stopped at the entry gate, and saluted Captain Subnerd from afar, and dissembled as if his intentions were friendly; then he beckoned to the captain to come and join him in a secluded place nearby. And when Subnerd came following Joab, Joab lifted his spear and thrust it at Subnerd, so that the spear went into his belly and came out his back; and Captain Subnerd fell down and died. Thus did Joab avenge the death of his brother Larry.

Afterward, when President David heard about this, he declared: “I and my cabinet are guiltless before the Volcano forever, concerning the blood of Captain Subnerd: let his blood rest on the head of my Top Thug Joab; let there not fail every manner of bad luck to plague him and his house.”

So that is how Joab the Godfather and his brother Moe got revenge on Captain Subnerd, because the latter had slain their brother Larry outside the swimming pool at the Hasty Pudding Clubhouse.

But President David said to his Top Thug Joab, and to all the filibusters that were with him: “Dress yourselves in mourning attire, and be on your best behavior at the funeral service for Subnerd.” And the president himself followed the bier, as they buried Captain Subnerd on the lawn of the Black Lodge in the Chaos Buffer Zone. And President David lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave; and all his filibusters mourned.

Thus David lamented publicly over Subnerd, and he wrote a dirge for the captain, which he recited at the service outside the Black Lodge – here are its lyrics:

Why was Captain Subnerd disrespected? 

He was slain by hoodlums: 

He fell at the hands of ruffians, 

Street gangsters iced him.

And President David kept weeping and weeping.

And when all the members of his staff came to urge David to eat meat while it was yet day, David swore, saying: “Let the Volcano murder me as well, if I break my fast before the sun goes down.”

This display of grief helped the caravan’s people understand that President David did not assassinate Captain Subnerd. Additionally, the president addressed the multitudes, saying: “A prince and a great man was lost this day to the caravansary. Because of this, I am now made weak, even though I am the anointed leader of all wayfarers. And I tell you, those mobsters Joab and his brethren are too brutish for me. May the Volcano pay back evildoers with evil.”