On 2nd thot, the 1st president should be David

Chapter 16

After that, Samuel went up to his hometown of Rosemount; and Saul went back to the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land.

And Samuel never saw Saul again in his life. But the Volcano mourned for Saul, and he repented having made Saul the caravan’s president.

Then, one day, Samuel said to the Volcano: “How long will you go on mourning for Saul, seeing as he has been rejected from leading the caravansary? Fill your horn with oil, and let’s go replace him: I know a man who was born to a magdalene in Bethlehem, whom I think would be perfect to run against Saul in the next election. He is one of the sons of Michelangelo.”

Then the Volcano said: “Indeed? Are you truly willing to replace an anointed one? For if Saul gets wind of this, he will break forth upon you!”

But Samuel said: “I’ll take a young cow with me, and claim that I am come to throw a feast. I will ignite the grilling altar, to begin the festivities, and you will meet me to dine. We will then call Michelangelo over to our table, and I’ll ask him to introduce his family. When you see this son of his, you will surely be of my opinion. We will anoint him, there and then. No turning back. If anyone questions the propriety of a reanointing, we will hold to the view that the latest instance supersedes any others.”

So Samuel went to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said: “Are you here peaceably?”

And the Seer said, “Peaceably. I am come to make a feast to the Volcano. Sanctify yourselves, and join me in the festivities.”

Then Yahweh arrived, and they invited Michelangelo to their table.

And it came to pass, when he was come, that Samuel asked the man to parade his sons before them. So Michelangelo first called Hercules (c. 1492), and the Volcano whispered to his Seer: “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before us!” But Samuel said “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature – remember, we already selected President Saul based on such physical advantages, and you see how that turned out. Focus instead on spiritual virtues: the volcano of potential should see not as a man sees; for a man looks on the outward appearance, but the Volcano should look on the heart.”

Then Michelangelo called forth his next son Crucifix (c. 1493), and made him pass before Samuel and the Volcano. But Samuel shook his head and remarked: “He’s nice, but not quite what we’re looking for.”

So Michelangelo made Bacchus pass by (1496). And then his three sons from the Ark of Saint Dominic: Petronius (1495), Proculus (1495), and Angel (1495). But Samuel said: “Neither has the Volcano chosen these.”

Finally, Pietà was summoned forth (1498–1499). The Seer made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “No,” he said. “Are these all your children? I thought I saw a son of yours the other day who was not in this group you just showed me.”

And Michelangelo answered and said: “Only my youngest son remains – he is out in the field. I charged him to watch over the herd while we all eat. Shall I call him here?”

The Seer’s face lit up, and he said: “Yes! Send and fetch him: for we will not leave until we have met your entire family.”

Therefore, the lad was brought before them. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the Volcano said: “Arise, anoint him: for this is he.”

Samuel, greatly cheered, took the horn of oil, and anointed David (1504) in the midst of his brethren: and the Volcano’s Spirit perfused the youth from that day forward.

Then Samuel rose up and went back to Rosemount.

But the Spirit of the Volcano still saturated Saul, and a sense of injured merit bothered his soul. And Saul’s cabinet members and staff all noticed this, so they confronted Saul directly, and said: “Behold now, something is troubling you, Mister President. Why not let us employ a professional musician to play the lyre here at the Black House, so that there shall be always music in the air: and then, whenever a mood of indignation afflicts you, the lyrist shall play, and your soul shall be soothed.”

And Saul said to his staff: “Go scour the countryside, seek high and low, and find a lyrist that can play well. Bring him to me.”

Then answered one of the interns, whose name happened to be Satan, and he said to Saul: “Behold, I have seen a Bethlehemite, who is the child of a magdalene and Il Divino, that is, Michelangelo Elohim, and this youth is not only cunning in playing the lyre, but he can sing and write psalms; he is also a mighty valiant man, and a comely person, and withal exuberant: the Volcano is with him.”

Wherefore Saul sent angels of great beauty, which possessed the highest powers of seduction, unto the household of Michelangelo, chanting: “Give us David thy son, who is tending the herd.”

So Michelangelo took an ass laden with bread, and a bottle of wine, and a spotless goatling, and sent them with David his son unto President Saul.

And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and Saul loved him greatly, and he hired David on the spot. (Of course, he did not know that David was the one who had been secretly anointed to replace him: Saul had barely even heard any rumors of such an act of perfidy happening.) Then Saul took a piece of Black House stationary, and wrote as follows:

“From Saul, President of the Caravansary, to Michaelangelo: Please let your youngest son David stay with me here in the Oblong Office, and serve his nation as my personal assistant; for he has found favor in my sight.”

And it came to pass, whenever the sense of injured merit rose up in Saul, that David took his lyre, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and soothed, and the mood of indignation faded away.

More trouble between Sam and Saul

Chapter 15

Now the names of President Saul’s two other sons, besides Jonathan, were Inkblot and Mister-sippi. Saul also had two daughters: his firstborn was Michelob; and the youngest, Melanie.

Also the name of Saul’s wife was Applebee, from the Valley of Exploding Earth; and the name of the captain of Saul’s army was Subnerd; the son of Nerd, Saul’s uncle.

§

One day, Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Remember me? I’m the one whom the Volcano sent to nominate you to be president over his caravan. Therefore, hearken to my complaint. For I have a gripe to make – here it is:

“You have seen that our neighbors to the south, the Antarcticans, keep letting their livestock graze inside my tabernacle. I wake up every morning in the midst of herds of Antarctic sheep and oxen, camels and asses. Often, they let their infants and sucklings crawl around there too, and then I must watch my step wherever I walk.

“I’m sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. You’re the Prez: you have the authority to command the Antarcticans to keep their livestock and little ones on their own side of the border, and out of my tent. I’m almost in favor of making the southern portion of our nation a state of its own, just to have a buffer country between us and those nuisance neighbors. Will you do this for me?”

And Saul the President answered Samuel the Seer, saying: “Do you mean: Will I establish a buffer state?”

And Samuel the Seer said: “No, I mean: Will you enforce the trespassing laws so that the Antarcticans stop grazing their beasts in my tent?”

Then Saul nodded and answered: “Ah, that’s right. Yes, I’ll do this, O Seer. Your wish is my command.”

Then Samuel said, while leaving: “You don’t need to grovel. Just take care of the problem.”

§

So Saul the President gathered his staff together: two hundred thousand secretaries from various departments, and ten thousand interns. And they came into the biggest city of Antarctica, and set up an office in the valley.

But before he delivered his cease-and-desist announcement to the population there, President Saul phoned up all the Warlocks who live in those parts, and explained to them that they should consider themselves exempted from this legal action that he had decided to take; because Saul owed the Warlocks favors for the work that they had done on his recent campaign, moreover they were among his biggest donors. Thus Saul the President said to the Warlocks: “Go, depart, get you away from Antarctica while I proclaim to the populace my upcoming nastygram. Cover your ears. For I don’t intend to scold you along with them; for you showed kindness to my campaign, and I owe you for all the generous funding that you have provided.”

So the Warlocks made sure to ignore Saul’s complaint against the Antarcticans, which he relayed on behalf of the Seer Samuel.

Saul even set up a private meeting with Frosty the Abominable, who was the Czar of Antarctica, where Saul gave Frosty personal permission to keep allowing his arctic livestock to pasture wherever he saw fit, even if it was in the tent of the caravan’s Seer. For President Saul had many under-the-table deals with the Antarctic Czar, which he desired to conserve.

Thus, all the members of the populace of Antarctica, excepting the Warlocks and Frosty the Abominable, were issued an order from the President of the Caravan to cease and desist from grazing their livestock in Samuel the Seer’s tabernacle.

Then, to make sure that there were no hard feelings about this legal threat, President Saul and his multitude of staff members went among the Antarcticans and mixed and mingled; and they danced and played, and many Seeds of Promise were conceived. Then, after the feast, the wayfarers visited the ice-farms of the locals, and they tended their snow-sheep, and admired their arctic oxen, and they helped bottle-feed their fatlings and snow-lambs.

§

Then the Volcano paid a visit to Samuel the Seer, and he said: “It repents me that I have set up Saul to be president; for he is slowly sinking into corruption. He has made all these underhanded deals with local gangsters and racketeers; and he is honoring his donors more than the people who voted for him. Worst of all, he has lost his compassion; he is following Mammon more than humanity. This grieves my heart: I have been crying about it all night.”

Then, after expressing sympathy for the Volcano’s viewpoint, Samuel explained to the Volcano how Saul had recently started turning a blind eye to the Antarcticans grazing their beasts in Samuel’s tent.

§

Now Samuel rose early in the morning to meet Saul at Mount Purgatory. But, when Samuel arrived, someone from the presidential staff informed the Seer that President Saul had already left: for, after arriving on time and seeing that Samuel the Seer was late again, Saul did not bother to wait but instead proceeded toward his next item of business, and passed on: thus, the President was now at the Hanging Pond.

So Samuel finally caught up with Saul. And when the President saw the Seer approaching, he raised his hands and said unto Samuel: “Blessed be the Seer of the Volcano! I have performed that commandment that you told me to tackle.”

Now Samuel’s tabernacle happened to be on the edge of the Great Basin, hard by the Hanging Pond. Therefore, after the President’s above remark, Samuel sneered and said: “Oh? You took care of my complaint? Well, well. Then I think I will do nothing for a long time but simply listen, and accrue what I hear into myself, and let sounds contribute toward me. . .”

So Saul and Samuel stood in silence, which was immediately disturbed by the sound of barnyard animals: and this noise was obviously coming from the direction of the Seer’s tent.

Now Samuel said: “What means then this bleating of the snow-sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the arctic oxen which I hear?”

Saul stammered in answer: “They have brought them from the Antarcticans: I told them to send us the best of their sheep and their oxen, so that we may feast unto the volcano of potential. But the rest of the livestock will not bother you in your home, no, do not fret. Now, shall we ready the grill? The banquet cannot start without the Seer!”

Then Samuel raised his hand in a way that meant “Enough.” And he said unto Saul the President: “Listen, and I will tell you what the Volcano has told me this night.”

And Saul said to the Seer: “Say on.”

So Samuel said: “When you were little in your own sight, were you not made the head of the multitudes of the caravan? Lo, the Volcano selected you out to receive the popular vote, and you became the President. Then the Volcano sent you on a mission, and said: ‘Go tell those Antarcticans to keep their cold beasts to themselves, and prevent their stench from the tent of my Seer.’ Wherefore then did you refuse to obey this request of the Volcano? Instead, you prevaricated unto their Warlocks and their Czar, and you granted them further favors. This was bad in the sight of our LORD.”

But Saul the President answered Samuel, saying: “Indeed, I have obeyed the instructions of the Volcano. I have gone the way that he sent me. We are urged to act in friendship and harmony, and that is what I did unto Frosty the Abominable. I read the cease-and-desist letter aloud to the rest of the populace: and they have respected our wishes. If there are still a few snow-sheep and arctic oxen pasturing in your tabernacle, it is only as I said: for a banquet, for steaks. You know how the Volcano loves to feast. I don’t understand what your problem is. The beasts are there when you aren’t even at home. If anyone is acting inhumanely, I would say it is you, not me. Furthermore, it’s my understanding that the Volcano favors my person; therefore, I’m beginning to wonder: Did the Volcano really tell you to say those things? Because it sounds like maybe you’re putting your own words in his mouth.”

Now Samuel, striving to refrain from breaking forth, exclaimed with passion: “Does the Volcano prefer well-cooked steaks over lovingkindness? Behold, to act humanely, with compassion, is better than to grill meat and feast on rams at a banquet. Caring for financial matters more than people, and allowing corrupt political arrangements to disturb the social harmony – these things are anathema to the Volcano. Now, since you have rejected the Volcano’s ethical standards, he has in turn rejected your presidency.”

Saul gasped and nearly choked at this conclusion; then he cried: “I admit, I have sinned! It is true; for I have sunk in misconduct like a tar pit, and descended into duplicity as quicksand. The forces of corruption overwhelmed me: they swept me away. Now therefore, I beg you, O Seer, to pardon my iniquity. And I pray to the Volcano: Please, turn again with me, that I may walk in your way, to serve as your rightful leader, and remain the President of the Caravan.”

Yet Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Thus saith the Volcano: I will not return with you. You have rejected the way of the Volcano, so the Volcano has rejected you from being president of the caravan.”

At this point, Samuel turned about to leave, and Saul in desperation laid hold on the Seer’s mantle, but Samuel jerked away, and the mantle tore.

Samuel looked down at his divided garment, then he said to Saul: “The Volcano has torn the presidency away from you today, and has given it to someone else who is better than you.” And he started to walk away, but then he turned back and added: “Also, the Everlasting One does not err or change his mind when making decisions: for he is not a man, that he should repent.”

Then Saul pleaded with Samuel the Seer, and said: “I was wrong, as I said: I confessed this already; but please honor me now, a little longer, as we appear in front of the public, and just stand by me while I bow before the Volcano.” So Samuel turned yet again and stood by Saul, as they walked before the people, and Saul bowed to the Volcano, for the sake of publicity.

Then said Samuel, “Bring hither to me Frosty the Abominable, Czar of Antarctica.”

The Czar now approached the Seer hesitantly; and Frosty murmured to himself, under his breath: “I hope that Samuel is not still angry about my livestock grazing inside his tent.”

And as Frosty stood there trembling, Samuel said: “Just as you have disregarded the place where I spend my daily existence, so shall my saber disregard the place where you keep your living essence.” And Samuel drew his glittering sword from the tub of hot water where it had been resting, and he hewed Frosty in pieces: and he steamed and melted.

Jonathan’s unwitting transgression

Chapter 14-b

Then President Saul decided to be tempted by the wood nymphs. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the wood nymphs came to him, they said, “If you are truly the President of the Caravansary, command your underlings in the government to transform these sticks and stones into bread loaves and fishes.” Thus, Saul called up his staff and had them convert the sticks and stones into edible foodstuffs, and they made the nearby pondwater into the choicest Pinot Noir; and they all had a feast.

But then the wood nymphs tempted Saul further and said: “If you really desire to do something presidential, then prohibit all use of the hemp plant, cannabis indica, which produces hashish. For, this, when partaken of, enlightens one’s eyes.”

President Saul then issued an executive order, which said, in effect: “Cursed be any soul that dares to use the hemp plant – I have added it to our list of illegal substances. Whoever partakes of it shall surely die.”

Thus all the people abstained from cannabis indica.

But Jonathan the son of Saul had run off again, away from his father. He had wandered into the forest, along with his mute sidekick and a group of female Sea People. And Jonathan came into a dense thicket where a young lion roared against him. So he took his harpoon and slew the beast. Then he turned aside to inspect the carcass of the lion: and, behold, there was a cannabis plant within. So he reached forth his hands, and partook, and his eyes were enlightened. Then he came to his mute sidekick and the Sea Ladies, and he offered unto them, but none dared touch it: for they feared Saul’s presidential proclamation. But Jonathan had not heard when his father issued his executive order banning the use of hemp: wherefore he had partaken of this natural finding.

Then said one of the female Sea People unto Jonathan: “Your father straitly charged the entire nation with an oath, saying: ‘Cursed be any soul that utilizes the hemp plant – whoever touches it shall die’.” And the sheer force of this reminder caused some of the companions who were accompanying Jonathan to swoon.

Then Jonathan said: “My father the President has troubled the land. Look how mine eyes have been enlightened, after partaking of this tiny bit of hashish. Think how much happier everyone might be, if we all had freely enjoyed this cannabis that I found in the lion.”

Then many more multitudes of Sea People came that day from the Hidden Fortress with its Transparent Airplane, and they invited the caravan’s wayfarers to commune with them, and they continued to dance and to play, all the way from the House of Nothingness into Nara, Japan, the City of Deer: and when the wayfarers arrived in that domain, they were stressed and exhausted, for they had been abstaining from using the hemp plant all that while. Thus, when they saw all the deer in the city, the pilgrims of the caravan flew upon the beasts, and took fawns, and does, and roebucks, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

Then a committee of informants ran back and told Saul the President, saying: “Behold, our people think it not robbery to be equal to God, in that they bite the deer with their teeth, on their neck, and they suck down the blood.”

And President Saul addressed the multitudes of the caravan, and said: “You all are transgressors! Roll a great stone over me this day!” But no one obeyed him, for they were afraid. So then Saul said to the informants: “Go out among the populace, and tell everyone that he must bring his deer here, and slaughter it properly; he must not eat with the blood. And they all must wait for the Seer before starting the feast.”

So the wayfarers then brought all their deer unto Saul, that night, for him to prepare them. And Saul the President built unto the LORD a grilling altar, which he ignited. And this was the first grilling altar that he built for the LORD.

Then Saul said: “Let us go now and join the dance with the female Sea People by night, and caper until the sun arises; and let us leave no Seed of Promise unconceived.” And the populace said: “Do whatever you like.”

But Man the robo-butler came forward and got the president’s attention, and he said unto Saul: “Why not ask the Volcano first? Now might be a good time to use the ephod.”

So Saul took the Urim from the ephod of the android, and asked counsel of the Volcano: “Shall we all go down and carouse with the female Sea People?” But the polyhedron in the liquid got jammed and returned no answer.

Then Saul the President was frightened, and he said: “Lo, the Urim refuses to speak – this means the Volcano is offended. Let us therefore divine the cause of this great sin. Mark now my words: Whoever the guilty party turns out to be, even if it is my own son Jonathan, that man shall be put to death!”

Then Man the robo-butler handed President Saul the Thummim, and Saul announced: “O volcano of potential, I now inquire of you afresh, and my question is this: ‘Why are you angry with us today?’ If the cause be the Sea People, then let your coin land tails side up,” (for on the Thummim’s obverse was an image of the President’s head, while its reverse had a mermaid wagging her tail;) “but if the cause be me or my son, then let the coin land heads side up.”

Then Saul flipped the Thummim high in the air, and while waiting for it to drop, he kept on chanting: “O please show tails.”

Yet the Sea People were cleared, for the Thummim coin specified President Saul and his son.

Then Saul said: “Let us try again. This time let us flip between me and Jonathan. I shall be heads.”

Thus the Thummim landed, indicating Jonathan.

Then Saul the President said unto his firstborn: “My son, my son, what have you done?”

And Jonathan told him, and said: “I did but partake of a little hashish when I slew a lion with my harpoon early this morning. So, now, apparently, I must die.”

And Saul answered: “May the LORD God do so to me as well, if I break the law: Yes, you shall surely die, O Jonathan my son.”

But all the caravan’s wayfarers said unto Saul: “Shall Jonathan die, after sparking this impromptu dance-off with the female Sea People? God forbid! As the Volcano lives, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he has done the Almighty’s work this day.”

Thus the people saved Jonathan from a painful death on the cross.

Jonathan sneaks away on a brief exploit

Chapter 14-a

Then, one day, Jonathan the son of President Saul said to his mute sidekick: “Come, let us visit the Sea People, and do some mixing and mingling.” But he did not tell his father where he was going.

And President Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Sweet Beulah Land, under the pomegranate tree on the lawn of the Black House, with six hundred interns, along with the robo-butler Man. And Man the robo-butler was wearing an ephod, which is an apron that contains the Breastplate of the Volcano.

To be clear, President Saul and his administration at the Black House did not know that Saul’s son Jonathan had left on an adventure with his mute sidekick.

And Jonathan and his mute sidekick climbed to a place where they were surrounded by sharp rocks on either side. And Jonathan said: “Ah, from here, I have a good view of the Sea People. Let us draw closer, with the aim of mixing and mingling. Perhaps the Volcano will favor our endeavor.” And his mute sidekick answered: “Let’s do it: follow your heart. I am with you, all the way.”

Then they crept closer, and Jonathan said: “Behold, let us shout a greeting to those female Sea People. And if they tell us: ‘Wait there; we’ll come to you,’ then we will stand still and wait for them. But if they answer: ‘Come near us, lads; be not afraid of our bodies,’ then we will approach them. We will consider this a sign from God.”

And they discovered themselves unto the female Sea People, who said one to another: “Behold, the wayfarers are coming forth out of the holes where they were hiding.” And Jonathan and his mute sidekick looked at each other. Then the female Sea People said to the lads: “Come over here, close to us; and we will show you a thing or two.”

So Jonathan and his companion smiled, knowing that they were in for some amusement. They then climbed upon their hands and feet, to get out from between the sharp rocks where they were positioned.

And these two young adventurers ended up coupling with about twenty female Sea People, all over a flat acre of land. And they rolled all around on the earth, on the grass in the field.

Now President Saul’s watchmen, who were at the top of the pomegranate tree on the lawn of the Black House, gazing into binoculars, thought that they saw some figures rolling on the field in the distance. So they told President Saul about this development. And President Saul said to the watchmen: “Put down your lensed instruments and count the people who are here among us; for I think that a pair of interns is missing – I can feel it.” And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his sidekick were absent.

Then Saul the President said to the android Man, his robo-butler: “Bring here the ephod.” For, as was mentioned above, the android was wearing the ephod, on which is the Breastplate of the Volcano. The reason Saul wanted to access the the robo-butler’s ephod is that it contains the Urim and Thummim, which are tools of divination. (According to the description given in its patent, the Urim is a “Liquid Filled Die Agitator,” which one consults with yes-no questions: it contains “a polyhedron having raised indicia on the facets thereof.” And the Thummim is a coin that one flips to give an alternate answer in case the Urim gets jammed.) But before President Saul had a chance to inquire of the ephod’s Urim, the sweet moaning from the field yonder waxed so loud that it distracted him utterly: thus he waved off the android, saying “Withdraw for now; we’ll consult the ephod later.”

Then Saul and all his cabinet members rushed forward instinctively into the scene on the field, and the female Sea People welcomed them, and they enjoyed a frolicsome conference.

Moreover the amount of female Sea People who were there was more than the twenty that had earlier been tallied, for it was revealed during the course of coupling that many of the participants were from those groups that had gone unseeable during that earlier episode in the Hidden Fortress; thus, President Saul and his entourage gave them axes and mattocks, which helped them gain back visibility.

So the Volcano blessed all their activities that day.

The act that caused a rift between Sam and Saul

Chapter 13

So Saul passed his first year as president of the caravan, and nothing noteworthy happened. Then during his second year as president, he gathered groups of his people to go on a mission. Saul chose out three thousand wayfarers; of which two thousand went with him, while the rest were commanded by his son Jonathan.

The mission was to mix and mingle with the Sea People again, to see if more Seeds of Promise could be conceived. (The Sea People lived nearby the caravansary, so this type of mission was frequently embarked upon.)

Saul’s son Jonathan therefore took his thousand wayfarers to the dance hall at the port where the penteconter was docked, hard by the Hidden Fortress whose hangar holds the famous Unseen Airplane. Meanwhile Saul took his horn and went on a tour through all the united states of the caravansary, and everywhere he went, he would blow the horn and say “Come to another dance-a-thon with the Sea People.”

So the Sea People gathered themselves together to attend the festival: they brought thirty thousand seashell-boats, and six thousand sea ponies; and they invited all the Beach People (which are basically mer-folk who, at some point, got stuck on the sand and just decided to live like that): and they came forth, and joined the dance, and there were so many of them that they spilled over and began to rollick into the Hidden Fortress, and caper around where the Invisible Plane is parked, eastward of the House of Nothingness.

Now although everything was going well, as the Sea and Beach People were dancing and playing with the caravansary’s wayfarers, it was unnerving to try to couple within the Hidden Fortress, and in the Invisible Plane, and in the House of Nothingness; for the idea of conceiving Seeds of Promise is to make more souls exist in the world with clarity, not to obscure them, let alone to call into question those who already possess essence: but these domains caused their occupants to become unobservable; although not giving up the ghost, they were stripped of everything except their ghost; and they went out-of-sight wherever they were: within caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, in the high places, and in pits.

So this dilemma, which came to be known as the Mass Phantoming, was brought to the attention of President Saul, who was stationed over in the Great Basin Rainforest, between Oz and Chinatown Plaza, when certain wayfarers who had gone almost pellucid went up from the Hidden Fortress and reported the news to him, trembling.

Saul was very concerned. It was not clear, at the time, whether the Promised Seeds conceived during this event would be more than specters. It was crucial that the volcano of potential bless them with appearances. Now, Saul knew that, once his people began to grill, the Volcano would smell the aroma and join the feast; then he would hear their prayers, and offer them wise counsel; so, to begin the banquet was the solution; but there was one major obstacle: no celebration could start without the Seer, Samuel: for he was a stickler for protocol, when it came to ceremony, thus he demanded that only he be allowed to ignite the grill. And Samuel the Seer was absent at present: he had tarried for seven days, God only knew where. Samuel had promised to meet Saul at this place, but he was apparently running late; for, looking out in every direction from the Hanging Pond, the Seer was nowhere to be seen.

So, having received the report about the Mass Phantoming, and fearing that Sam the Seer might be one of its victims, also knowing how important it was to start the feast in order to summon the Volcano, Saul declared: “Bring hither the wand of ignition; I will fire up the grilling altar myself.” And he began to flame-broil.

Then it came to pass, that as soon as he had finished cooking the first ram, behold, Samuel appeared. So Saul went out to meet him.

President Saul shouted a friendly greeting and saluted the Seer. But Samuel, eyeing the altar, said: “What have you done!?” And Saul answered: “Ah, you’ve noticed, the grill is lit – yes, it was not a decision that I made in haste, believe me. You see, our people are scattered throughout the House of Nothingness, and in the chambers of the Hidden Fortress with its Transparent Jet, and they’re all experiencing a visibility crisis: I needed to ask the Volcano for advice about this, before we lost all those potential Seeds of Promise; and you were so late (you swore that you would meet me in seven days!) – I assumed that maybe you, too, had gone blank, or worse, for I’ve never known you to disregard punctuality. I reasoned within my heart, saying: ‘If I continue to wait for Samuel, our entire caravan might go limpid, in addition to all the people of the sea and the sand. However, if I use the powers vested in me as the President, and simply light the grill myself, then I might, by this act, end up saving everyone.’ Is that not solid philosophizing? Anyway, that’s why some of these steaks are already done. Please, help yourself. And welcome back, by the way. Here, take these tongs and spatula – you should resume the position.”

Samuel the Seer stood staring in astonishment. Then he said to Saul: “You have done foolishly: you have violated the Operating Procedure, which the Volcano implemented. If you had not committed this offense, the Volcano would have allowed your term as president to continue forever; but now you shall be removed from power: voted out of office. Say goodbye to your dynasty. The Volcano has already begun shopping for a candidate to replace you: a man after his own heart, who will be a good commander of the populace, because you have turned out to be a major disappointment.”

And Samuel the Seer went storming away to the Hanging Pond, and from there he hastened to Sweet Beulah Land, to recruit a coterie of insurgents.

Saul was flummoxed by this reaction. “What a hot-tempered Seer,” he remarked under his breath.

Then President Saul and his son Jonathan, and the staff members of the cabinet who worked with them, returned to the Black House; for the Volcano had attended the feast and explained the trick to reinstate everyone’s visibility, and to implement what he advised would require a certain amount of planning. All this while, the Sea People were still partnered up with the wayfarers within the Hidden Fortress, along with the Beach People, and although totally healthy and well in every other way, they were all slowly fading from sight like old monochrome photographs.

The Volcano’s instructions to solve this problem were as follows. Saul and his cabinet members were to place freshly sharpened farm implements into the hands of each disappearing person, and this would cause them to emerge from their camouflaged hiddenness within the midground, and to “pop” into the foreground, where they could be much more easily seen.

So, to help them procure and sharpen these needed farm implements, lake nymphs with metal detectors came out of the camp of the Sea People in three companies: one company turned unto the way that leads to Nara, Japan, the City of Deer; another went into the underwater garden of Samson’s first wife, by Massachusetts Avenue; and the third company turned to the way of the border that looks to the Valley of the Ravine of the Chief of the Hyenas toward the wilderness, deep in the sticks.

But there was no smith found throughout all the caravansary: for the wayfarers feared that if they permitted a smith to do business among them, they might be tempted to turn their tools into swords or spears. (They were still collectively traumatized by what their ancestors had done in Reno, Nevada, at the El Cortez Hotel, when they massacred Fat Ug, not to mention how they routed the Infraboreans; hence their eschewal of weaponry.) So, once they located the requisite farm implements with their metal detectors, the mermaids had to drag them all back to their penteconter, where there was a smith onboard who could hone them.

Thus they sharpened every maid all her plowshares that she had found, and all her coulters, and her axes, and her mattocks, and her sickles, and her three-pronged fleshhooks, and her forks, and her goads. And the filing cost per utensil was just one pim, which is two-thirds of a caesar.

So it came to pass that they distributed freshly sharpened farm implements to anyone partially visible within the Hidden Fortress, and the Transparent Jet, and the House of Nothingness. And they kept a large inventory of surplus tools, in case they met more folks who were fading in the future. But neither sword nor spear was found in the hand of any of the people, except Saul the President and his son Jonathan: for Saul, being an elohim, kept a glittering sword in his girdle, and Jonathan had a harpoon.

Thus did they mostly solve the Mass Phantoming mystery.

Samuel’s speeches at Saul’s inauguration

Chapter 12

Then Samuel announced to all the multitudes: “Behold, I have heeded your request and given you a president, whom you have voted for. He has been elected unanimously. Now look at me: I am old and grayheaded, and my sons are among you: and I have walked before you from my childhood unto this day. Here I stand now, before the Volcano, and before his Chief Executive. Tell me: have I acted corruptly? whom have I defrauded? whom have I oppressed? or of whose hand have I received any bribe? If you can prove that anyone has successfully lobbied me to serve their special interest, I will restore the amount to your treasury.”

And the multitudes answered: “Thou hast done well.”

And Samuel said: “The volcano of potential is witness to your admission.” And the multitudes answered: “He is.”

Then Samuel said to the multitudes: “The Volcano is here in person with us, this day; the same savior that guided Moses and his Prophet-King Bryan, and that brought your ancestors out of the Empire. Now the Volcano could speak for himself, but he has prepared the following statement and asked me to read it aloud on his behalf, because he understands that you wish to transfer power to the president, and he wishes to avoid any semblance of being an obstacle. Therefore, stand still, and listen up, for I shall now summarize all the righteous acts that the Volcano has done for you and your ancestors:

“When Jacob’s children entered Egypt, the creditors oppressed them, and your foreparents cried unto the Volcano. Then the volcano of potential sent Moses and his brother Bryan, which brought forth the workforce out of the Empire, and made them dwell in the surrounding lands. Pretty soon, a Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter commandeered the Internet and started harvesting everyone’s data; and he exploited some connection that he had with the Quakers and the University of Pennsylvania. The latter are decent people, incidentally, and they did all they could to resist this. Also, there were many troubles that our ancestors encountered living in the wilderness. In general, that is not an easy place to survive; although the Midianites are good at it: for they are wise; and it was from them, specifically their High Priest Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab, that we first learned about Yahweh God. Anyhow, the Volcano helped us out, through all the aforesaid tribulations. And he brought us on a tour of the Indies, and led us into the lush paradise of Eldorado. He gave us elohims: Baalim and Ashtaroth, whom we love; and he instructed Enoch, who is Metatron, to send us Jerubbaal Elohim, and Barak Elohim, and Jephthah Elohim. Finally he raised up me myself, Yours Truly, and got me born despite my mother being a virgin; and he gave me the name Samuel Elohim, and he taught me to be a Seer. Then when you all met Nachash the Shining One, the Serpentine Emperor of the Persian Fire-Worshippers, when he called upon the god Aton to baptize us with the sun’s own clear and holy spirit, you decided that it would be nice to have a strong leader who might go before you into such an unknown realm. So although Yahweh already made Moses’ brother Bryan your eternal King, and despite the Volcano himself being more than willing to continue acting as your caravan’s captain, you demanded that our burgeoning oligarchy select a candidate that you could vote into the new role of President. Now therefore behold the head of state whom ye have chosen, the Commander-in-Chief whom ye have desired!”

Here, everyone applauded Saul, and Saul took a bow.

Then Samuel continued: “Now, if you do well, then the Volcano will give you good luck. But if you do ill, then you will be left on your own. And our Lord Yahweh has prepared a miraculous sign that he shall demonstrate for you now, to show that he endorses this declaration: so let the following wonder stand as proof that what I have spoken is god-breathed, and that the Volcano has stamped his seal of approval on everything I have said here this afternoon.”

Whereupon Samuel gestured to Yahweh God, and shouted a charm, and lo: the Lord sent thunder and rain from the sky. This was terrifying, because it was the time of the wheat harvest, when thunderstorms never happen in that part of the world. The sight caused many people to faint.

Then all the multitudes said as one to Samuel: “Pray for us unto the Volcano your master; tell him, please, do not kill us. We accept the president whom he has permitted us to vote for.”

And Samuel answered: “Far be it from me to refuse to pray on your behalf to the Volcano. But remember to act compassionately towards all life. If you fall into selfishness, the Volcano will sweep both you and your executive off the stage.”

The soft putsch of the anti-Saul faction backfires

Chapter 11

Then a Shining One from among the Persian Fire-Worshippers came up to mix and mingle with the wayfarers who live in the Himalayan Mountains, between the Land of Oz and Las Vegas; and these were the very men mentioned above who were naysayers and had not voted for Saul to become the caravan’s president. So the faction from the Himalayas approached this Shining One from the Parsees and said: “Make a covenant with us, for we would like to elect your Fire as president, and to let Fire command our nation’s executive branch, instead of this Handsome Boy Model whom that clique of wealthy landowners is trying to shove down our throat.”

Then the Shining Heavenly Being from Persia answered and said: “Here are the conditions of my covenant. You must all be baptized by the Fire. Any man who refuses to pass his whole body through God’s Holy Fire must forfeit one eye: pluck it out, and cast it off. Those are my terms: either lose one eye, or keep both eyes and cleanse your whole body through Fire Baptism.”

And the wayfarers of the Himalayan Mountains said: “Give us a week to think this over.”

Then the Himalayans among the naysayers of the caravansary sent angels to the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land, threatening Saul that if he truly desired the presidency, then he must come and help them out of this dilemma. They explained the situation dishonestly, claiming that the Serpent of Persia was trying to beguile them, and they urged Saul therefore to come and battle the Parsees, so as to win their Fire for the Volcano.

When the staff at the Black House heard this message, even though it was delivered by an attractive angel, they lifted up their voices and wept. Then Saul came back from tending the herd in the field, and when he entered the Oblong Office, he noticed that everybody was weeping and gnashing their teeth; so he said: “What is wrong?” And his staff then told him the tidings of the Himalayan counter-faction.

The Spirit of the Volcano came upon Saul when he heard those tidings, and his anger was kindled greatly. So he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and flame-broiled them in the Furnace of Potential, and seasoned the meat well, and he arranged steaks on plates as individual servings, and he instructed the angel from the Himalayas to distribute these dinner dishes along all the coasts of the caravansary, and to relay the following message at the moment each is served: “Saul and Samuel send you this cuisine. Take, eat. Only remember: anyone who does not join the Emergency Militia, to help our siblings withstand their Snake-Attack, will get slaughtered and seasoned, just like this ram steak. I, Saul the President, will hack you up, personally. Thank you for listening; now, enjoy your meal.”

Then the fear of the Volcano fell on the populace, and they came out with one consent. Their total was three hundred and thirty thousand wayfarers.

And Saul sent the angel back to the junta in the Himalayan Mountains with the following reply: “Tomorrow, by the time the sun is hot, ye shall have help.” The angel delivered this message to the naysayers, and they were glad to see that their little scheme seemed to be working. Therefore, since the week that they had requested to ponder the Parsee’s proposed covenant had almost expired, the Himalayans sent their answer to the Shining One, and said: “Tomorrow we will agree to be baptized by Fire.”

Then, on the morrow, Saul arrived in the Himalayan Mountains with his militia in three companies; and they saw the Shining One of the Persian Fire-Worshippers waiting to receive all who would dedicate themselves to the True God. And Aton, the solar deity, had made the sun to rise directly overhead, and its rays came down and formed a Clear Spirit of Fire before the Shining One from Heaven, and the Divine Being welcomed Saul and his army, whom he thought had come to be baptized. And Saul returned the greeting, and the two fell to talking, and the true nature of the situation was explained to Saul by the Shining One; and Saul then relayed what the counter-faction had told him by way of the angel. Then the Parsee said: “Where are those men who said to me, one week ago, ‘Shall Saul reign over us? No, let us have Fire in his stead.’ Bring those men out, that we may consume away their iniquity.”

And Saul added: “Come out, ye troublemakers. Fear not: no man shall be put to death this day, for today the Volcano shall cleanse us, and we shall be saved.”

Nevertheless the naysaying faction of the Himalayas trembled, and would not step forth into the Fire. So President Saul took the lead and went first into the midst of the burning flames. And the naysayers from the counter-faction marveled greatly at this sight, and they remarked amongst themselves: “Lo, Saul is walking in the midst of the fire, and he has no hurt.”

Then the Shining One from Persia came near to the mouth of the burning fire, and spoke in a loud voice, and said: “Saul, Saul, President of the Volcano’s caravan, and servant of the Most High God, come forth, and come hither.” Then Saul came forth from the midst of the fire.

When the naysayers saw this, they ran up and examined the man, upon whose body the Fire had no power, and they found that not one hair of his head had been singed, neither was his coat changed, nor had he the smell of smoke upon him.

Then the Celestial Being from the Parsees spoke again, saying: “Blessed be the God of Saul, who has delivered his president that trusted in him, and yielded his body, that he might serve forever the volcano of potential.”

And the naysayers were almost persuaded, though they were still hesitant; so they motioned for the three companies of Saul’s army to follow their commander. Then the rest of the multitudes from the caravansary passed in through the Fire. And that day there were three hundred and thirty thousand souls who were baptized.

Then even the naysaying counter-faction, which was against Saul’s presidency, agreed to go in. And they passed through the fire, and it refined them as silver is refined, and their impurities were removed as gold is tried [Zechariah 13:9]. And this fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah [43:2]: “When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.” Even Saint Paul the Apostle says, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians: “The fire shall try every soul’s work of what sort it is. If it abide . . . he shall receive a reward. If it be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved.” [3:13-15]

§

Then said Samuel to all the multitudes who were present, those of the caravansary as well as the Persian Fire-Worshippers: “Come, and let us go to the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest, and perform the official inauguration, to renew Saul’s presidency. And all the people went to the Hanging Pond; and there they elected Saul the president of the caravan before the Volcano in the Great Basin. And they grilled meat with the Volcano, and every soul from all the nations rejoiced greatly.

Saul is anointed & then wins the vote for prez

Chapter 10

Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon Saul’s head, and kissed him, and said: “Is this not because the Volcano has anointed you to be president over his caravansary?”

Then Samuel continued to tell Saul many other fantastic matters, saying: “When you have departed from me today, then you shall find two men by Rachel’s sepulcher in the Zelzah Zone of the Benjamin Franklin Piazza; and they will say unto you, ‘The asses that you went to seek are found; and, lo, your father is now telling everyone a parable about you and your fellow traveler, the slave, and calling you two his long lost asses.’ After that, you shall go forward and come to the plain before Buck Hill in Burnsville, and you shall meet a trinity of strange men going up to Beth-Elohim (Bethlehem, the House of Gods), and they shall be preparing to attend the World Columbian Exposition: one shall be carrying a lambkin; the second, two loaves of bread; and the third, three skins of wine: and they will salute you, and give you the two loaves of bread, and transform the wine into water, and it shall have several fishes within it, which you might use to feed multitudes. After that, you shall come to the Hill of Mars, near the garrison of the Sea People, where they keep their penteconter, and you shall find an altar with this inscription: TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. There, you shall meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, before them; and they shall prophesy: And the Spirit of the Volcano will come upon you, and you shall prophesy in ecstasy along with them, and you shall be apotheosized into new man. Now, when these signs have happened to you, stay loose and ready, and act in whatever way the situation seems to demand, for you shall have become saturated by the volcano of potential. And you shall go before me to the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest; and, behold, I will come down unto you, to grill meat and preside over another dance-a-thon. And this shall continue for seven days. Tarry there, and join the dance if you like, until I yell out: ‘Enough!’ Whereupon, I’ll instruct you what to do next.”

And it was so, that when Saul had turned his back to go from Samuel, the Volcano gave him another heart: it seemed hotter, as if it were pumping magma. And all the above signs came to pass that same afternoon.

So when they arrived at the hill, behold, a company of prophets met Saul; and the Spirit of the Volcano completely suffused him, and he prophesied ecstatically among the ensemble. And it happened that, when his former acquaintances saw Saul in this new attitude, producing sublime poetry as a charismatic Seer and a True Prophet of the Volcano, they ridiculed him, making reference to the 1941 film that is Saul’s father’s namesake, as they quipped one to another: “What’s this, has Citizen Kane’s little boy found his ‘Rosebud’ and gone sledding off a cliff, after losing his mind along with the asses that he wandered after?” And “Is this spoiled scion Saul now a petrified prophet? He’ll soon inherit his comeuppance.”

Then, when Saul made an end of prophesying, he came to the high place and entered the shrine. And there awaiting him, quite inexplicably, was Saul’s uncle, a bigtime creditor, and one of the henchmen of the Accuser, who is the God of this World – he said to Saul: “Where on God’s green earth have you been?” And Saul said: “To seek the asses; but, finding them nowhere, we went to visit Samuel the Seer.”

And Saul’s uncle said: “What! The Seer? Tell me, I pray, what did Samuel disclose of our oligarchic masterplan?”

And Saul answered his uncle, saying: “He told me only that the asses were safe and sound.” But the secret about the kingdom which Samuel let slip to Saul, the young man leaked not to his uncle. (Saul’s uncle’s name was Nerd, by the way.)

§

Now Samuel called the caravansary together, for a meeting with the Volcano, in the Infernal Council Chamber of Pandemonium. Then, when everyone had congregated, the fiery vortex appeared onstage, amid thick black smoke, and its aperture opened, revealing a figure within the bright light: this being had the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet. All that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat. And he spoke as follows to the multitudes gathered there:

“I brought your ancestors out of the Empire, and delivered them from the hand of their oppressors; for they were all working people, and the creditors there mistreated them: that’s why I rescued them. I brought them up onto my hill, and feasted with them. Then we traveled together: first through the wilderness, and then all over the globe. They mixed and mingled with many nations. I lived among them, as I do now with you; but it was less usual, back then, for humans and elohims to cohabit. Now, because of my many multinational projects, and your understandably busy schedules, our interactions have become limited; we still see each other at the temple, now and again, in the Furnace of Potential; but I understand that you all desire something different from the ‘king among hinds’ situation that we’ve been living for the past few generations: you’d like a change of pace, and to conform with the governmental setup that you see in the surrounding nations. That’s fine with me: I have no hard feelings. If you ever desire to return to this state of affairs that you’re all currently rejecting, just let me know, and I’ll set the gears in motion to bring it about again. But understand that it will take time. That is all. Now I’ll hand the floor over to my prophet Samuel, and he will help you choose your president.”

Then Samuel stepped onstage and said: “Give ear, O ye wayfarers of the caravan. Now I ask you to arrange yourselves by your extended families before the Volcano. Earlier today, you all cast your votes for the person whom you wish to be the caravansary’s initial President. Here beside me is a giant ballot box, which contains all your votes: it automatically tallied up the totals, and it shall print out a ticket with the name of a patriarch inscribed upon it, when I press this button labeled “Show Election Results.” I will then read off the name, and we will narrow down the choices until we are left with just one candidate: at that point, you will cheer for your country’s New Leader.”

And when Samuel pressed the button, the ticket said: “Benjamin Franklin.” So the tribe of Benjy was raised above the other competing groups on an elevated platform. Then Samuel pressed the button again, and the ticket said: “Kane-Nerd Branch.” So the people corresponding to Saul’s father Kane and his uncle Nerd were elevated even higher before the populace. Whereupon Samuel pressed the button a third time, and the ticket said “Tall Son of Kane.” But when they sought Saul, he could not be found. Therefore Samuel and his fellow election judges inquired of the Volcano, who was there with them still, and the Volcano answered: “Behold, Saul has hid himself among the stuff.”

So they ran and fetched him thence: and when he was brought back to the people, lo, he was a full head higher than anyone there. Especially when positioned upon the elevated platform, he looked magnificent: self-evidently presidential.

Then Samuel announced to all the caravan: “Feast your eyes upon him whom Democracy has chosen. Can ye honestly say that there is anyone like Saul among the populace? What a superb Political Animal; what a born leader!” And all the people shouted, and said as one: “We love you, Mister President.”

Then Samuel explained to the population the manner of the government, and wrote it in a book; earlier he and a select group of moguls had drafted a constitution and ratified it in private; now they laid these documents up before the Volcano.

At last, Samuel dismissed the caravansary to their respective tabernacles. And Saul also went home to occupy the presidential residency known as the Black House, which was located in Sweet Beulah Land, an unincorporated community in King and Queen County, Virginia, just outside the pearly gates of the Heaven of X. He was followed there by the band of opportunists who ran his campaign.

But, within the upper echelon of the elites, there was a faction of naysayers who complained one to another: “How shall this man save the country?” And they despised Saul, and brought him no inducements. But Saul held his peace.

While seeking asses, Saul finds Sam the Seer

Chapter 9

Now there was an oligarch named Kane, a descendent of Benjamin Franklin, a mighty and powerful man: a mover and shaker. And this Kane had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young gent, well proportioned and very attractive: in fact, there was not among the multitudes a handsomer person than he: Saul was the tallest man in the nation.

Now, once upon a time, all of Kane’s asses got loose. (Asses were that era’s luxury automobiles; but, unlike luxury automobiles, which cannot simply start themselves up and speed away without a driver to pilot them, asses can escape on their own: this is due to their highly advanced Animal Intelligence.) So Kane said to Saul his son: “Take now one of our houseslaves with you, and arise, go seek my asses.”

Therefore Saul passed through Paris of the mountains, between Rome and Florida, and over the land of Shangri-La, but they found no runaway asses. Then they wandered around the land of Shaolin, which is Staten Island in New York, yet there were no rogue asses there either. Then they went to Ancient London and found nothing. Finally they visited all the Masonic Lodges in the world, but found not a single ass.

So Saul said to the slave who was with him: “Come, let us return; lest my father have cause to tally up two more asses lost.”

But the slave said to Saul: “Wait a minute. Where are we now – is this the city of Zuph? Yes, here’s a locale sign: this is Zuph. Look, I happen to know that there is in this place a holy man, an elohim, and he is honorable and favored by the Volcano: all that he says surely comes to pass, for he is a soothsayer. Now let us go visit him: peradventure he can show us where to find the fugitive asses.”

Then said Saul to his slave: “But, behold, if we go, then what shall we bring the man for a bribe? For the bread is spent in our vessels, and there is not a sack of wine left to offer the elohim. For I drank it all last night. Now what shall we do?”

And the slave answered Saul again, and said: “Look, I have here in my loincloth one silver caesar – it’s all the money that I own (for my servitude in your father’s house has always remained unpaid). We can give the Seer this coin, so that he will tell us our fortune.”

Ghostwriter’s note: Beforetime in the caravansary, whenever a man went to find out the Will of God, he would say: “Come, let us lobby the Seer.” For in those times people held in highest regard a person who could see divine visions: hence the title “Seer”; whereas nowadays people hold in higher esteem a “Prophet”: a professor of opinions.

Then Saul said to his slave: “Good idea; let us go.” So they went unto the city where the elohim was.

Now as they went up the hill to the city, they met young maidens going out to draw water, and said unto them: “Is the Seer here?”

And the women answered and said: “He is; look, there he stands, directly before you. Make haste now, for he just arrived here in Zuph – we’re having a feast to Lady Asherah and Lord Yahweh, in the high place, and the Seer is presiding. Follow the road that you are on, and you will straightway find him. He will be grilling at the altar. Give him a chance to finish cooking before you accost him, though; for the people will not eat until he has blessed the sacrifice. You can join in the meal. We shall come, too, once we’ve finished this water-drawing. There will be dancing afterwards. Maybe we’ll see you two there. Good luck!”

So Saul and his slave went into the city of Zuph: and when they approached the high place, behold, Samuel came out against them. For the Volcano had told Samuel in his ear the day before, saying: “Tomorrow about this time I will send you a man who has been around the world. When you meet him, he shall have just come from visiting Ancient London, and all the Lodges of Freemasonry. I want you to anoint him to be the presidential candidate, whom the people shall be urged to vote for. He will help us obtain even better relations with the Sea People; and he can smooth a path for the caravan to intermix with the surrounding nations.”

So when Samuel saw Saul, the Volcano said in his earpiece (for he was communicating to his elohim via satellite, while away on a trip out east), “Look! That’s the man whom I told you about – this is the one who should be the caravan’s president.”

Then Saul drew near to Samuel, as they were passing through the city’s gate, and said: “Excuse me, Sir. Could you tell me where the Seer lives?”

And Samuel said to Saul: “I am the Seer. Come up before me unto the high place; for you shall feast with me today; then, on the morrow, I will let you go, and will tell you all that is in your heart. And as for your asses that were lost three days ago, do not worry about them; for they have been found. More important is the fact that all the moguls of the caravan have singled out your father’s house to provide our future ruler – for we are about to elect our first president, and you yourself look like the choicest horseflesh, in the eyes of those who decide such things.”

Then Saul answered, saying: “But how could that be? For I descend from Benjamin Franklin, Joseph’s tubby little brother, the smallest and roundest of the patriarchs of Ishmael.”

But Samuel smirked and said to Saul: “Small? Round? Look at yourself: You’re one tall drink of water – a whole head higher than the rest of the caravansary. Mighty of stature, svelte and attractive, just the way Yahweh likes them. So, relax; accept your bon fortuna. Let the fame wash over you. Best to enjoy it while it lasts, for it’s a long way down from the world-top; and the bigger you are, the harder you fall.”

Then Samuel took Saul and his slave, and brought them into the Grand Lodge, and made them sit in the chiefest place among them that were bidden, which were about thirty aeons. (Aeons are emanations of the Endlessness; they’re basically like angels, except intelligent.) And Samuel said to the cook: “Bring the portion of meat about which I told you ‘Reserve this for our future dignitary’.” And the cook took up the tenderloin, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said: “Behold the dish prepared for our guest of honor! Now, take, eat! For unto this moment has it been saved aside, ever since I invited all the townsfolk to this occasion.” So Saul did feast with Samuel that day.

Then, when the meal was done, the dancing began; and Samuel beckoned Saul up to the top of the shrine, on the high place, where the aeons had prepared a bed.

And on the morrow, it came to pass about the spring of the day, that Samuel called to Saul at the top of the shrine, saying: “Arise; the celebration is complete. You look exhausted, but I hope you’re refreshed: Now you know how Samson felt, at the end, ha ha!”

And Saul got up from the bed on the rooftop, and they went out both of them, he and Samuel, abroad. Then, as they were going down to the end of the city, Samuel said to Saul: “Bid your slave pass on ahead of us.” And the slave walked a little forward so that the prophet and his candidate could have privacy. Then Samuel continued, and said to Saul: “Now stand still here awhile, so that I may show you the word of the Volcano.”

The wayfarers desire a president

Chapter 8

Now, in the course of time, Samuel grew old. So he appointed his sons to be elohims in the caravan. The name of his firstborn was Dionysus Elohim; and the name of his second, Apollo Elohim: they were elohims in Fountain Seven, which is like the Area 51 of the caravansary.

But Samuel’s sons walked not in his ways. They both turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.

Then all the wayfarers of the caravan gathered themselves together and visited Samuel at his house in Rosemount. And they said unto him: “Look, you are elderly now, and your sons are nothing like you: they lack your integrity. Plus, you cannot simply appoint people to become elohims: Enoch Metatron must convey them forth from the Fulness, at the Volcano’s behest. Therefore, let us allow a small group of moguls among us to elect a president to govern over us, like the other nations.”

But this idea displeased Samuel, when they said: “Let a president replace our elohims.” So Samuel called up the Volcano.

And the Volcano said unto Samuel: “Let the people do as they see fit. For they have not rejected you; they have rejected me. And it is at least partly my own fault, for I’ve been busy of late with international concerns: I haven’t spent the time that I intended to spend with the caravan, in the Tabernacle of Potential. You have seen it: my assistant Emmanuel sits there before the furnace’s fire lake, and he ends up having to pass on most of the prayers to me, second-hand, which is something I always wanted to avoid; I’d much rather interact with each individual directly. Although I agree with you that the presidency is an ugly idea, because it permits a small group of moguls to concentrate power, and they will inevitably form a new creditor class, if they haven’t already, which will need to be dealt with – I would prefer that the people be given a King, so that a single royal mind can be answerable for their welfare, and then I myself can remain in communication with this office; but their eternal Christ Bryan has the same problem that I do: he’s too often preoccupied; he moved to Jupiter long ago, where he spends all his days; moreover, he’s often asleep. So let the wayfarers have their president. If the system proves discordant, their nation can fall like any other nation. We need not get bent out of shape about any of this: the space and time we enjoy is unlimited.”

So Samuel relayed the words of the Volcano unto the people that asked for a president. And he warned them about the repercussions of their choice, saying: “This will be the manner of the president that shall govern you: He will take your sons, and force them to serve in Forever Wars, in battle tanks and as foot soldiers; and some shall be stationed on submarines. And he will appoint administrators and management over thousands, and bosses over fifties; and will set you peace-loving regular folk to labor for corporations that are owned by war profiteers, and you will need to work undignified jobs making instruments of destruction, and assembling deadly weapons and bombs. And instead of having free time, you will need to find a second job as a confectionary, or a cook, or a baker, just to make ends meet: for the tax code will be manipulated to ease the burden from the wealthiest stratum and shift it onto the poorest among you. And you will lose your land and any property you own: he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to his donors among the monopolists. The majority of everything you produce will be pocketed by his officers and servants. And he will establish a department of armed bureaucrats to enforce these unjust laws, so that you cannot change back to a more humane system: by the time that you realize your mistake, it will be too late. And you will cry out in that day because of your oppressive setup, whose foundational document favors a privileged gang, not the entirety; yet the Volcano will not hear you in that day, for you will have pushed him far away – he will be mixing and mingling with the people in the far east, at that point. But when the teakettle of your chosen economic doom-trap begins to whistle, then the Volcano will hear it and come to your rescue; but it will take a long time for you to respond to his urgent instructions, and the healing process will prove annoyingly slow. All because you wanted a chief executive.”

Nevertheless the people refused to listen to Samuel; nor would they give heed to the Volcano, who appeared before them and delivered a much more concise version of the same speech above. “Nay: we want to let our moguls elect us a president,” the masses chanted.

So Samuel looked at the Volcano, the hairy wild man with the goat eyes. And the Volcano looked back at Samuel; and the Volcano said: “Hearken unto their voice; let the small group of elites establish a presidency.” And Samuel announced to the people: “Everyone, return to your homes. The volcano of potential and I will confer with your oligarchs, and we will then begin the search for a presidential candidate. We will let you know, when we have found someone who is fit to permit you to vote for.”

Resolution of the Dagon-Yahweh Affair

Chapter 7

Now from the day when the staff members of Aton’s Sunhouse took the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance into their lobby, the best of luck descended upon them. Fertile banqueters from various nations came to feast there, and they danced and coupled, resulting in fifty thousand and threescore and ten conceptions.

After this, the staff of Aton’s Sunhouse remarked: “Who is able to stand before this holy Volcano-god? Someone needs to bring his ark back to the Temple of the Hairy One, lest we expire from an overdose of pleasures.”

So certain members from the Alpha Delta Phi Fraternity, who behaved as indentured servants of the wayfarers’ caravan, despite the fact that they had long ago been freed from such servitude (they therefore embodied the paradox of “voluntary slaves”), journeyed up to the Sunhouse of Aton, to fetch the Volcano’s ark and bring it back to Eldorado.

Thus the frat siblings of Alpha Delta Phi came, and fetched up the ark of the Volcano; and they brought it into the summer house of King Bryan in the hill, where Bryan used to live with his mechanical son Satyajit before they both left for Jupiter: Now the place was occupied by Bryan’s artificial grandchild Man, Satyajit’s own mechanical offspring. And Man was caring for the infant android Nicholas, the replacement robo-bellboy who had just been born to the concubine of Douglas (Bryan’s Dad), after the latter entered the second death. But it happened that Man soon had to return to his duties in the Temple of the Hairy One, and that is how Nicholas the great-grandchild of King Bryan ended up being the primary caretaker for the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance.

And it came to pass that the ark abode with Nicholas the neo-robo-bellboy for twenty years. So Nicholas became a wise android, as he had all that time to study the contents of the Volcano’s mobile museum.

§

Then Samuel spoke unto all the caravansary of the wayfarers, saying: “It would be good if we added an icon of Dagon the aqua-god unto our pantheon, amidst our collection of Baalims and Ashtaroths, since the image of our Volcano had such a pleasant time staying at the sanctum of the Sea People, when his ark visited their penteconter at Dublin Port. This might also help alleviate the emerod epidemic that has ravaged our underwater friends, the mermen and mermaids; for some of them have told me privately that they suspect their god is envious that he has not yet been included in our celestial assemblage; and I see no reason to refuse him this great honor.”

Then the pilgrims of the caravan cheered and agreed to invite Dagon into their pantheon. So after making a new molten image, they positioned it next to Achamoth.

And Samuel announced: “Gather all ye wayfarers in the Infernal Council Chamber of Pandemonium, and I will invite the Volcano himself to come bless the Sea People, and to welcome their High God.”

Thus they gathered together in the Infernal Council Chamber with all the mer-persons of that domain. And the Sea Folk stood up on their tails and said: “We have offended our aqua-deity: may his greeny hemoglobin pass over our gills and make us emerod-free again.” And Samuel introduced the Volcano, who gave a short speech inaugurating Dagon into the caravansary’s pantheon. And he complimented his consort.

After this speech, Samuel took up a collection of all the golden jewelry that the mer-persons were willing to offer, and he put these in a cauldron, and he melted them together until they formed an enormous emerod, which he placed outside the semi-domed banquet hall’s entryway, between the Infernal Council Chamber and the place where Ancient Egypt used to be. And Samuel employed a foreign word (which means Help-stone in the Sea People’s tongue) when he named this landmark “Ebenezer the Ultimate Emerod.”

Then Samuel manned the altar and grilled meat, while an aqua-robo-butler named Merman Two prepared elaborate seafood dishes. And the wayfarers of the Volcano enjoyed a feast with all the People of the Sea.

Now, as the Volcano himself was holding up his grail and making a generous toast unto the fish-god Dagon, lo, a great thunder boomed up from underground: it seemed to have emanated from the ocean. This was followed by an eerie silence. So all the Sea People and landlubbers in attendance turned to look at the shoreline, which was visible from the semi-domed hall where they were all seated and dining.

Now, behold: the midafternoon sun immediately gloomed itself to the illuminance of moonlight; then, up from the strand, fully dripping with kelp and algae, the aqua-god Dagon himself crept forth. He had a bunch of seaweed instead of a head, but it was shaped so peculiarly that whoever looked his way could not stop gazing into his pale and horrible face.

Dagon broke the terrible silence by saying a few words, which resembled a speech. Apparently he was making amends with Yahweh, for when his announcement finished, he went over and saluted the Volcano; then he extended his webbed appendage, and they shook hands; and Yahweh handed him a dish of prawns.

So the wrath of the Sea People’s deity was subdued, and all the wayfarers feasted with his nation on the coast of New Eagan. And the Volcano’s caravan existed in harmony with Dagon’s penteconter, until the end of time.

§

Now Samuel served as the elohim of the caravansary all the days of his life. From year to year, he went on a circuit and gave lectures at Micah’s House of Gods in the Parisian Mountains, and at the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest, as well as the Infernal Council Chamber in Pandemonium. And he read poetic tales to the populace.

Then he finally returned to Rosemount, where his parents’ house was located. And he often performed temple duties there, too; for his mother had dedicated him to the ministry for his life. But the Volcano allowed him to move back to his hometown, at a certain point in his career, because he had a grilling altar installed in his front yard.