Ahab is tasked

Chapter 20

Now let us remember that, back in the olden days, Candied Yam Man 2, the southern 15% Lime-Green Prez, offered all his riches to the king of Syria, whose name was Thunder Son, saying: “Dearest Thunder Son, here are all the precious gemstones and silver and gold of my country; let us make a pact, you and me; and I wish you to break any league that you made with my rival President Baa-Baa the Sheep of the caravan’s northern 85 percent. Do we have a deal?” And Thunder Son accepted this bribe, thus agreeing to be friends with Candied Yam Man 2.

So, over the years, the king of Syria had remained in league with the caravan’s southern Lime-Green Prez.

Now Thunder Son gathered all his Syrian shock-troops together and besieged the headquarters of the ROY-BIV caravan, which was on that hill in Persia which President O-ring had purchased as his sole noteworthy deed. And Thunder Son sent evil angels to Ahab, captain of the caravan’s northern 85%, with the following message:

“Thunder Son to Captain Ahab. All your silver and gold are mine. All your wives and children are mine.”

The caravan’s Captain Ahab answered and said: “O Son of Thunder, my lord, you are correct: I am yours, as well as all that I have.”

Then the evil angels arrived in front of Ahab again, with a follow-up message from the Syrian king, saying: “Thunder Son to Captain Ahab. I have said that I own all your treasures. Since we agree, I will send my troops tomorrow, and they shall enter into your house, and take your silver and your gold, and lift up and carry off all your wives and your children. So it shall be, that whatsoever is pleasant in your eyes, they shall put it in their hand, and take it away.”

Then the captain of the caravan called a conference with his executive officers, and showed them the words of Thunder Son king of Syria, and said: “Mark, I pray you, how this man seeks mischief. For he tells me that he owns all my wives and children, and all my silver and gold – and I did not deny him.”

Then all the executive officers said to their captain: “Here is our advice, with regard to this proposed contract from the Son of Thunder: Do not consent.”

Wherefore Ahab answered the evil angels of the king of Syria, saying: “Tell my lord the following. From Captain Ahab of the caravan, to my dear friend Thunder Son: All that you said in your first message, I will do; but this thing that you said in your second message, I will not do.” And the evil angels curtsied, then turned and began their trek back to Syria with the captain’s answer.

And it came to pass, when Ahab’s reply reached Thunder Son, who happened to be drinking himself drunk at that moment, Thunder Son said to his shock-troops: “Destroy the city.”

Now, behold, Yahweh God came to visit Captain Ahab, and he said: “Have you seen the great multitude of shock-troops that are gathered outside the capital, making ready to besiege the caravan’s headquarters? I just wanted to let you know that I shall deliver them into your hand today.”

Then Ahab answered Yahweh and said: “But how?”

And Yahweh said: “By the magistrates of the satraps.”

Then Ahab said: “And what shall they do?”

And Yahweh explained: “They will help you win.”

“Win what?”

“The battle.”

And Ahab said: “What battle?”

Then Yahweh explained: “The one that you shall initiate this instant.” And he thrust Ahab out the door of the presidential residence, and Captain Ahab went forth with speed to the magistrates of the satraps, and he strategized with them, and together they readied the Defense Forces of the caravan, and they marched out at noon to attack the Syrian shock-troops of Thunder Son.

Now Thunder Son was drinking himself drunk in the pavilions, along with the thirty-three czarinas who were his helpers. And the magistrates of the satraps were in the vanguard of the caravansary’s forces; and when the Son of Thunder saw them through the window, he sent out several czarinas as scouts to gather info; and they returned saying:

“We inspected the front lines: these are good Samaritans. No worries.” (For they did not notice the caravan’s forces behind them.)

And Thunder Son said: “Whether they are good or bad is something only the Heavenly Thunder knows. Do not assume that those soldiers are good just because they hail from Samaria, which is our closest ally at present. Goodness is a property that must be proven through one’s actions: for instance, if the men in question were to find us all ailing on the roadside, and they were to come nurse us back to health, and supply us with money and transportation and a stable home with a loving family, then maybe I would call them good. Still, only the Thunder can see the inwardness of one’s heart. So I remain skeptical. Let us, therefore, just to be on the safe side, go out and give those soldiers a chance to surrender to us, and then take them all prisoner.”

So Thunder Son and his thirty-three czarinas left the pavilion, and joined up with their own amassment of servicemen that had been waiting for them outside; they then marched with these Syrian shock-troops over and greeted the magistrates, who were at the head of the caravansary, and asked if they and their army would like to surrender.

Then the magistrates of the satraps answered by slaying all the Syrian shock-troops that they could reach. And the Syrians fled; and the caravan pursued them: and Thunder Son the king of Syria escaped with his horsemen.

And Captain Ahab went out, and harpooned countless horses and chariots, and he slew the shock-troops of Thunder Son with a great slaughter. And he flensed their cadavers as he went, and extracted and preserved their oil and ambergris.

Elijah’s Damascus moment

Chapter 19

Now Captain Ahab told his wife Jezebel everything that Elijah had done, and moreover how he had slain all the LORD’s prophets.

Then Jezebel sent unto Elijah an angel of fierce countenance, and the angel said: “I swear by Yahweh the Volcano that you, O Elijah, will be dealt with just as you dealt with all those prophets. As it is written: ‘with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.’ Matthew seven, verse two.” Then the angel returned to his mistress.

After receiving this message, Elijah arose, and ran for his life. He went a whole day’s journey into the wilderness. Eventually he reached Roman Fountain Seven, the Area 51 of the caravan; there he found a booth under a juniper tree, which had also a gourd vine growing over the top of it, providing a shelter from the sun. Elijah stopped and sat in the shade there; he then fished his communication device out of his mantle-pocket and tried to initiate a conference with the Wizard; but Omega Zoroaster was offline, or so it said. Therefore, Elijah chose to record a video message for the Wizard; he held the device up and shouted into its screen, saying: “Enough! I’m being hunted like an animal. This is the end. Take my life, O master; for I am now no better than those adversaries that I entered this world to oppose.”

Then Elijah, exhausted, slouched over, and a deep sleep fell upon him, there in the booth under the gourd and the juniper.

Now, after he had slumbered for some time, behold, a branch from the juniper brushed against his face, and Elijah awoke. Looking up, he saw there before him the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet. This man was gathering berries from the tree. All that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat.

The wild man said to Elijah: “Rise and eat. I just came here for seed cones to flavor the gin.”

And Elijah looked, and, behold, there was a cake baked on the hot stones, and homemade gin in a pitcher. So he ate and drank, and laid him down again.

Then, after another interval, the wild man with the goat eyes came again holding the branch that he had broken from the juniper tree, and he brushed Elijah’s face with it, to wake him a second time (for he had again fallen into a deep sleep), and he said: “Rise and eat; you will need strength for the coming journey.”

So Elijah rose, and did eat and drink. And this repast gave him the energy to travel for forty days and forty nights on foot, as he followed the wild man to Sinai, the mount of God. And Elijah lodged there in a cave.

Then, behold, after more time had passed, the wild man with the abundant hair came to him, and said to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

And Elijah answered: “I have been very jealous for the Wizard, and on behalf of his savior Yeshua. For the caravansary’s captain worships the LORD, so I showed him and his people how the Wizard controls the weather, by causing a drought and then making it rain; after which I slew his many false prophets in the name of the One True God. But now the captain’s consort Jezebel seeks my life, and she has sicced her LORD upon me. So I fled to the wilderness.”

And the wild man said: “Go forth, and stand upon the mountain.”

And, behold, the volcano of potential manifested, and a great and strong wind tore open the hills and shattered the rocks by divine power; but God was not the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but God was not the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but God was not the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. When Elijah heard it, he grasped that the True God was inviting him to meet in person, so he wrapped his mantle around his eyes as a blindfold (for he thought that he would surely die if he were to gaze upon the One True God); then he stood at the entrance of the cave. And, behold, the voice came again, saying: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

And Elijah gave the same answer as before, saying: “I have been very jealous for the Wizard, and on behalf of his savior Yeshua. For the caravansary’s captain worships the LORD, so I showed him and his people how the Wizard controls the weather, by making it rain after causing a drought; then I slew his many false prophets in your name . . .”

Here the voice interjected, saying: “Not for me did you do this.” The wild man had placed his hand over the mouth of Elijah. Then the voice continued, saying: “What you did to those prophets was not for the volcano of potential. This ‘Wizard’ of yours, this Omega Zoroaster, and his ‘savior’ Yeshua, they are colleagues of mine, and I have no wish to speak ill of them: I would rather salute all fellow poets; nevertheless, I urge you henceforth to avoid blindly obeying, give over merely following orders. Be your own man, Elijah. And remember the lesson about potential that you just now learned: Performing parlor tricks with the weather proves nothing about God (rather the opposite: why should the ‘One True God’ be at anyone’s beck and call?) – God is not the heavy downpour, and divinity comes not with observation: for the kingdom of heaven is within you, and all deities reside in the human breast.”

At this point, he took the blindfold from Elijah’s eyes, and the latter was amazed to behold the wild man standing before him. Elijah wept sore and repented; and the Volcano was merciful. Then he continued his speech to Elijah, and said as follows:

“If you are willing to do some prophetic work for me, I have three new anointings that I would like to accomplish: three fresh messiahs. Understand? OK, so you’ll need to return the way you came, and go through the wilderness until you reach Damascus: that’s the first job: find a man whose name is Hammerhead Shark (this should be easy, for the guy looks exactly like the animal that he is named after) and anoint this Hammerhead Shark as the king of Syria.

“The next anointing shall be for the president of the northern caravan. Go find a fellow named Yahoo Yeehaw: he earns my popular vote. You must agree, ‘President Yahoo Yeehaw’ has a nice ring to it.

“Lastly, go down to the Meadow of Dancing – you know where that is, right? – and you will find a damsel plowing with twelve oxen before her: cast your mantle upon her. This woman’s name is Elisha. Anoint her. Not for any office of state, but to be your successor. And don’t take it too hard that, despite having just one moment ago accepted you into my service, I’m already scheduling your replacement – it’s not your fault: only because of the way that the Doom Window keeps shifting in spacetime, in order to carry out all my plans, I’m forced to employ a pair of dubious agents bearing similar-sounding names, instead of using just one trustworthy prophet. So, anoint Elisha. When you see twelve oxen: toss your mantle.

“What’s bound to happen (I might as well tell you) is that whoever escapes being jawed by Hammerhead Shark shall meet the sword of Yahoo Yeehaw: and whoever escapes the sword of Yahoo Yeehaw shall be murdered by Elisha. For everyone’s out to kill everyone, nowadays: it’s every man for himself, and God against all.”

§

So Elijah departed thence, and went to the Dancing Meadow. There he found a damsel plowing with twelve oxen before her: and Elijah passed by this woman, and cast his mantle upon her. And straightway the plowgal forsook her oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said: “Let me go kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.”

Elijah answered with a quote from Luke’s Gospel (9:62). “No dame, having put her hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Therefore this plowgal, whose name was Elisha, dispensed with bidding farewell to her family; instead, she hastened after Elijah, who kept on the move; and, as they went, Elisha slew the oxen that she had been driving, and boiled their flesh, and served the meat: and the pair consumed their meal on the run.

So that’s how Elisha became Elijah’s assistant.

Elijah’s science experiment proves divinity

Chapter 18

Now it was much later: three years into the drought. The visage of the Wizard appeared on the screen of Elijah’s mobile computing device, saying: “Go and show yourself to Ahab; then I will turn the rain back on.”

So Elijah went to meet Captain Ahab.

Now the famine was ravaging Persia. Ahab had called up his housekeeper Obadiah, and he said: “Go with me into the land: let us together visit all the known fountains, and see if there are any brooks that still flow: peradventure we may find grass to save our livestock, so that we can avoid losing all our beasts.”

Thus Ahab and Obadiah split up and went to search for vestiges of water: Ahab headed one way by himself; and Obadiah went another way, also alone.

Now as Obadiah was walking, behold, Elijah met him: and Obadiah recognized him, and fell on his face, and said: “Are you my master Elijah?”

And he answered him: “I am. Go, tell your Captain Ahab: ‘Elijah is back.’”

And Obadiah answered: “Ah! how have I wronged you, that you would hand me over to Ahab, to kill me? For I swear on your Wizard’s savior, there is no place that Ahab has not sent his minions to seek you: and when each place said: ‘Elijah is not here,’ Ahab would force them to certify their claim before magistrates. And now you tell me: ‘Go, tell the Captain: Behold, Elijah is here,’ yet it shall happen that, as soon as I turn my back, you will disappear – your Wizard will have spirited you away somewhere – so when Ahab comes looking for you and finds you not, he shall slay me.”

But Elijah said: “As the Wizard lives, whom I serve, I will surely appear before Captain Ahab today.”

So Obadiah went and told Ahab; then Ahab went to meet Elijah. And when Ahab saw Elijah, he said: “Are you the one I met, who keeps troubling the caravan?”

And Elijah answered: “I have not troubled the caravan; I only wanted to demonstrate the power of my deity. For you worship the LORD, but I have a superior force in the Wizard of Yeshua. And I would like to demonstrate this to you, if this drought that my Wizard caused is not already proof enough. Now therefore send word, and gather all your people to Mount Purgatory: assemble four hundred and fifty prophets of your LORD. We will have a contest: And may the best god win.”

§

So Ahab sent word to all the wayfarers of the caravan, and to those prophets who were maintained by Jezebel his wife, and gathered them together unto Mount Purgatory.

And Elijah came before the multitudes, and said: “How long will you halt between two opinions? If the LORD be God, follow him: but if the Wizard of Yeshua, then follow him.”

And the people answered: “Why not accept both within the celestial assemblage? Is the pantheon not big enough for every manifestation of potential? And do not all deities reside in the human breast?”

Then said Elijah unto the multitudes: “I am here to force a choice. Behold, I, even I only, remain a prophet of the Wizard, in the name of Yeshua; but the LORD’s prophets are four hundred and fifty men. Why the disproportion, if all is so fair and welcoming? My contention is that there is only One True God, the Wizard, and he was made manifest in Yeshua; but all other gods are false, and they anger the Wizard because he is jealous. Let us therefore perform an experiment: a scientific test. Give us two bullocks; let the prophets of the LORD choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, yet do not apply any fire: meanwhile, I will slaughter the other bullock, and lay it on wood, without applying any fire. Then you pray to your LORD, and I will call on the name of the Wizard: and whoever answers by fire, let him be the One True God.”

And the people answered, and said: “As you like.”

So Elijah turned and said unto the prophets of the LORD: “Choose a bullock for yourselves, and dress it first; for you are the majority. Then pray to your god, but add no fire to the grill.”

Thus they took the bullock that was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of the LORD all morning long, saying: “O LORD, hear our prayer.” But there was no voice, and no one answered.

Then at noon, Elijah mocked them, saying: “Pray louder: for he is a god who lives in heaven, and that’s far away, maybe he hasn’t heard you yet. It could be that he is preoccupied, talking with some other prophets elsewhere; or maybe he’s walking in his garden, or out on a journey through the wilderness; peradventure he is asleep, and must be awakened, because this is his Sabbath.”

And the prophets of the LORD cried aloud. And to aid in their sanctification, some of the Catholics in the masses even engaged in the discipline of self-mortification.

This continued through midday, and they prophesied until the time of the evening meal. But there was neither voice, nor any answer or response.

Then Elijah said unto the multitudes: “Draw near to me.” And all the people gathered closer. And there was an old altar to Tammuz which was in a state of disrepair: “I’ll repurpose this,” he said; and he took the stones therefrom and built an alter for the Wizard in the name of Yeshua: and he made a large trench around the altar. And he put the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood, and said: “Fill four barrels with water, and pour it on the offering, and on the wood.” Then he said: “Do it again.” And they did it a second time. Then he said: “Again.” And they poured out yet more water, until it ran round about the altar and filled up the trench.

Then Elijah the prophet came near, and said: “Omega Zoroaster, Wizard of Yeshuah the Zealot, let it be known this day that you are the True God, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things by your instruction. Hear me, O Wizard, hear me, so that these multitudes may know that you are Omega Zoroaster the Wizard, whose power was revealed by the acts of the savior Yeshua!”

Then lightning struck and utterly consumed the altar: it burnt up not only the wood but the stones, even the dust, and licked up all the water from the trench; leaving only the meat, perfectly cooked, to be served as steaks.

And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces: and they said: “Yeshua, he is the God; Yeshua, he is the God.”

Then Elijah said unto them: “Arrest the prophets of the LORD; let not one of them escape.” And they seized them: and Elijah brought them down to the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, all set about with fever-trees; and there he slew them.

Then Elijah said unto Captain Ahab: “Hurry up and eat the meal that I cooked; for, now that the Wizard has opened heaven’s windows, we should anticipate a significant amount of rainfall.”

So Ahab went to eat and drink. And Elijah ascended to the summit of Mount Purgatory, to look at the sky. At first he saw nothing, but after seven moments a little cloud started arising out of the sea, it was about the size of a man’s hand. So Elijah bound his skirt up around his loins and then dashed down the mountainside, yelling to Ahab: “Abandon the meal, go get in your chariot, or the rain will submerge you!”

And even as he spoke, the heaven grew black with clouds and wind. Then began the torrential downpour. Captain Ahab drove his chariot, while Elijah ran before him, all the way home.

Introducing Elijah

[The obligatory image is a photograph taken by my mother.]

Chapter 17

Now Elijah the Ozian, who was of the denizens of Emerald City, spoke to Captain Ahab as follows: “From looking around here, I infer that you worship some sort of storm deity, or a volcano god, and his consort. Am I guessing right? Well, I myself serve the Wizard: he can control natural events too, precipitation and whatnot. He does all these things in the name of Yeshua the Zealot, who is his city’s redeemer and savior. (Just look at the main entry gate: you will see his image there.) I wonder if I could interest you in adding this Wizard to your pantheon. He just gave me an oracle that I can pass on to you, in the name of Yeshua – maybe it will help convince you, when it comes true. The Wizard’s prophecy is this: ‘Thus saith Yeshua: There will neither be dew nor rain in this present age unless I command it to happen.’ Now I will leave you, O Captain. I look forward to the day when your messengers shall come seek me out, to deliver your plea for my Wizard’s help, in the name of Yeshua. Or, if you prefer to doubt his great power, then I shake the dust off my feet and say: Enjoy dying of thirst!”

And after addressing Captain Ahab, Elijah departed. And the visage of the Wizard appeared on the screen of his mobile computing device, saying: “Leave that area. Go eastward, and hide yourself by the Munchkin River, that is before Gillikin Country. I’ll turn off the water now: but you shall drink of the river; and I have programmed robotic ravens to feed you there.”

So Elijah faithfully obeyed the visage of the Wizard: for he went and dwelt by the Munchkin River. And the robo-ravens (which looked somewhat like regular ravens) brought him bread and flesh in the morning, and bread and flesh in the evening: two square meals daily. And he drank of the river.

But it came to pass after a while, that the river dried up, because there had been no rain or dew in the land. And Munchkin River is rather small and thin, hence its name.

So the visage of the Wizard appeared on Elijah’s mobile computer’s screen again, saying: “I know, I know, the stream evaporated; I meant to contact you earlier. Get up and go to the Mirror Maze, and find the Crystal Cabinet, where the Bonobo Folk reside. Lo, I have commanded a single mother there to sustain you.”

So Elijah arose and went to the Mirror Maze. And when he came to the doors of the Bonobo Zone, behold, there was a female bonobo there gathering sticks for kindling; and she was unmarried, and she had a baby bonobo on her back. And Elijah called to her, and said: “Fetch me some water in a vessel, woman, so that I may drink.”

Then, as this unwed bonobo mother was going to fetch water for the Wizard’s prophet, he called to her again, and said: “Woman, bring me also a slice of cake.”

And she turned and answered: “I swear on your Wizard’s life that I have no cake. There is nothing baked: only a handful of flour remains at the bottom of our jar, and a little oil in our cruse – look: I was just gathering some sticks to help prepare all this as a last meal for me and my child, so that we may eat it, and die.”

Then Elijah said to her: “Fear not, woman; go and do as you have planned: however, bake me a little cake first, and bring it to me. After that, you can make food for yourself and your son. For the Wizard in whom I trust tells me that the jar of flour shall last, and the cruse of oil shall not diminish, until the day when the Wizard, in the name of Yeshua his savior, decides to allow rain to fall again upon the earth.”

So the unwed bonobo mother did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and he, and her babe, were able to eat for many days. The jar of flour went not empty, neither did the cruse of oil fail. Everything accorded with the prophecy of the Wizard, which he spoke on behalf of Yeshua, by way of Elijah.

And yet it happened after this, that the baby of the unmarried bonobo came down with a sickness, which intensified until all the breath of life abandoned his body. Thus the mother said unto Elijah: “What injury have I caused you, O servant of the Wizard, that you come here and induce fate to slay my son?”

But he said to her: “Give me the lad.” And he took him out of her arms, and carried him up into the loft where he was staying, and placed him on his own bed. Then Elijah cried unto the Wizard, saying: “Omega Zoroaster my God, have you also brought evil upon the mother with whom I sojourn, by killing her son?”

And he stretched himself upon the child, three separate times, while crying unto the Wizard, and saying: “Omega Zoroaster my God, I pray you, let this child’s soul return to him again.”

Then the breath of life came back to the lad, and he revived.

And Elijah took the baby bonobo, and brought him down from the loft, and delivered him into the arms of his unwed mother. And Elijah said: “See, your son lives.”

The next leaders of the north and south caravan

Chapters 13–14

Meanwhile, Solomon’s son Rehoboam was the Lime-Green Prez of the southern 15% of the caravan’s populace. He was forty-one years old when he took office, and his term lasted seventeen years in Solomon’s gated district of Eldorado. And there were sodomites in the land.

And in the fifth year of Rehoboam the Lime-Green Prez, his gated community was sacked by the king of Egypt. (This was the same Pharaoh who sheltered Jeroboam the ROY-BIV 85% Prez from Solomon’s assassination attempts.) And the King of Egypt stole the treasures from Solomon’s Perma-Tent, and the treasures from Solomon’s own personal palace, where Rehoboam now resided. And after all the gold luxuries had been taken, President Rehoboam replaced them with bronze approximations.

As for the rest of the savvy moves of President Rehoboam, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?

Then Rehoboam died, and was buried in Eldorado. And his son Candied Yam Man governed in his stead.

Chapter 15

Jeroboam had been president of the northern 85 percent of the caravan for eighteen years, when David’s great-grandson Candied Yam Man became president of the southern 15 percent.

President Candied Yam Man governed for three full years in Eldorado. And he warred against his rival President Jeroboam, all his life, just like his father.

Then Candied Yam Man died, and they buried him in Eldorado. And Candied Yam Man 2 became the next southern President. (This was in the twentieth year of northern President Jeroboam.)

The term of Candied Yam Man 2 lasted forty-one years.

§

Now after Jeroboam served his term as the ROY-BIV northern 85 Prez, his son Natas got elected as his successor; that name means “Friend, opposite of adversary: the reverse spelling of Satan.” Natas was president for two years.

Then a parvenu named Baa-Baa the Sheep conspired against Natas; and Baa-Baa smote Natas when he was at the Sea People’s annual Guppy Dance. This happened in the third year of Southern President Candied Yam Man 2.

So Baa-Baa the Sheep became the ROY-BIV president; and he assassinated the entire family of Natas his predecessor, and Baa-Baa murdered every relative of President Jeroboam the father of Natas. For Baa-Baa the Sheep claimed to be a close friend of God.

Now the rest of the acts of Natas, and all that he did, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents?

And the southern 15% hated the northern 85% of the caravan. So there was constant war between Candied Yam Man 2 and Baa-Baa the Sheep: they fought for the entire duration of their respective presidencies.

Baa-Baa the northern 85% ROY-BIV Prez built what he called a “Yam Dam” in Rosemount, to keep out all supporters of Candied Yam Man 2.

Then Candied Yam Man 2, the southern 15% Lime-Green Prez, took all the treasures from both houses that Solomon built, the God House as well as his Personal Palace, and he delivered all these riches as a bribe to the king of Syria, whose name was Thunder Son, saying: “Dearest Thunder Son, here are all the precious gemstones and silver and gold of my country; let us make a pact, you and me; and I wish you to break any league that you made with my rival President Baa-Baa the Sheep. Do we have a deal?” And Thunder Son accepted this bribe, thus agreeing to be friends with Candied Yam Man 2. So, at the latter’s behest, Thunder Son sent his Syrian shock-troops into the main zones at the north of the caravan. When news of this reached the northern President Baa-Baa the Sheep, he left off building his Yam Dam and moved to Tasmania.

Thenceforth the southern President Candied Yam Man 2 and all his supporters were free to travel in and out of Rosemount.

The rest of all the acts of Candied Yam Man 2, and all his might, and all that he did, and the cities which he built, are rumored to be written in that famous lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents.

However, in the time of his old age, Candied Yam Man 2 suffered from a foot disease.

Finally, Candied Yam Man 2 gave up the ghost, and he was buried with his father Candied Yam Man in the heart of Eldorado. And his son, Fat Jehovah, was elected southern president in his stead.

Chapter 16

Now if you’re curious to know the rest of the acts of President Baa-Baa the Sheep, all you need to do is go find that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents. It’s all in there.

So Baa-Baa slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tasmania. And his son, Unbeatable Deity, was elected to succeed him as president.

Unbeatable Deity governed from Tasmania for a double twelvemonth. His term began in the twenty-sixth year of Candied Yam Man 2, the president of the south.

Now this Unbeatable Deity had a pet angel named Azazel, whom he compelled to be his cupbearer. One day, when Unbeatable Deity was drinking himself drunk in the Tasmanian Meat House, his angel Azazel came and smote him and killed him; then stole the presidency. This occurred in the twenty-seventh year of Candied Yam Man 2.

And it came to pass, when President Azazel began to govern, that the first item on his agenda, which he immediately accomplished, was slaughtering the whole house of Baa-Baa the Sheep: he assassinated all his family and friends. As the King James Bible says: “He left him not one that pisseth against a wall.” [1 Kgs 16:11] Thus did Azazel destroy the entire lineage of Baa-Baa, including his only begotten son the Unbeatable Deity.

§

President Azazel served a short term: just seven days. The end of his rule had roots in that same Guppy Gala where Baa-Baa smote Natas. For the Sea People were known to throw lengthy dance-a-thons, and the one in question lasted a quarter of a century. Here is what happened: While the wayfarers were capering with the mer-persons, a newsflash bubbled out of the underwater loudspeaker, announcing as follows: “Unbeatable Deity’s pet angel Azazel has assassinated the president and commandeered the caravansary.” Then, before the populace had a chance to react to this scandal, the buzzer buzzed, indicating the end of the dance-off, and the winner was determined by a panel of judges, which awarded the trophy to a wetsuited wayfarer named O-ring (short for Onion-ring). Wherefore all the caravan’s voters decided spontaneously to elect this O-ring as their True North Prez.

So, still in his wetsuit, President O-ring left the Sea People’s Annual Dance-A-Thon, holding his trophy high, and all the wayfarers of the caravan followed him, and they went as one, flipper-walking over to Azazel’s headquarters in Tasmania, and besieged the usurper.

And it came to pass, when the now-masterless angel Azazel saw his state surrounded, that he dashed in through the pet door of the presidential residence, which the Unbeatable Deity had erected there, and he burnt the whole house over him with fire, and died howling.

§

Now the northern and southern parts of the caravan had been divided since the beginning, from all the way back in the David-versus-Saul days. But now the northern 85% of the populace was divided additionally into factions supporting either of two ROY-BIV Prezzez: one was O-ring, whom we have already met and learned to love because he was such a good underwater dancer; and the other rival northern candidate for president was a Straw-Stuffed Scarecrow on a Cross. And the ROY-BIV populace was split between these two choices straight down the middle: half followed O-ring; half followed the Scarecrow.

But the people that followed O-ring prevailed against the people that followed the Scarecrow, who was stuffed with straw and hanging crucified. So the Scarecrow died, and O-ring reigned.

§

President O-ring began to govern the north in the thirty-first year of the southern presidency of Candied Yam Man 2. And O-ring was president for a term of twelve years; six of which were spent in Tasmania.

One notable accomplishment of President O-ring is that he bought a hill in Persia for two silver caesar coins.

Then O-ring passed away; and he was buried in his hill. After which, his son Ahab burst out of Persia and was elected captain.

It was in the thirty-eighth year of Candied Yam Man 2’s southern presidency when northern President O-ring’s son Ahab earned the captaincy of the caravan: and Ahab commanded authority for twenty-two years, during which time he oversaw the navigation and enforced all laws and regulations amid the wayfarers.

And Captain Ahab took to wife Jezebel the Zidonian. And they served the LORD (Baal) Yahweh the Volcano of Peor, for they were Persian Fire-Worshippers. They feasted to the Volcano with steaks on the grill, in the House of the LORD that they had built in Persia. Ahab also made a grove or sacred post, known as an Asherah pole, in the high place there.

Rival presidents: Rehoboam vs. Jeroboam

Chapter 12

Now Solomon’s son Rehoboam went to Hutland, the land of huts; for all the wayfarers of the caravan were gathered there to elect him president. (They chose to hold the election in Hutland because it’s the place where the patriarch Jacob settled after reconciling with his brother Esau, whom he had cheated; it’s also where Jacob’s daughter Dinah met Sheila: so the happiest marriage in the Bible occurred in Hutland.)

As we learned in the previous chapter, the caravan would soon be fractured: one president would govern the northern 85 percent, corresponding to six colors of the rainbow, Red Orange Yellow Blue Indigo Violent, whose initials spell ROY-BIV (the seventh color’s absence being indicated by a dash in the acronym), while an alternate president would govern the remaining 15 percent of the caravan, the southern region, corresponding to the middle color missing from the abovementioned collection of rainbow stripes: Lime Green.

What the present chapter will try to explain is how an ex-slave named Jeroboam became Roy-Biv Prez of the North 85, while Solomon’s son Rehoboam was the Lime-Green Prez of the South 15.

Recall that Jeroboam was one of the workers from President Solomon’s forced-labor project. Solomon promoted Jeroboam to the position of overseer; but then, when Jeroboam delivered the prophecy that Solomon’s heir would suffer a severe reduction in power as the caravan was divided, Solomon stopped favoring Jeroboam and started hating him: so much that the president was determined to assassinate Jeroboam. Therefore, Jeroboam ran for his life and hid in Egypt.

Now, from Egypt, Jeroboam heard the news that Solomon had died, and that the caravan was preparing to gather in Hutland to elect Solomon’s son Rehoboam as its new president. Jeroboam’s comrades from the caravan sent to him, asking him to come join them.

So Jeroboam went to Hutland, and he gathered with the rest of the congregation. His comrades then urged him to confront Solomon’s son Rehoboam, the president-elect, and to relay their collective concerns. So Jeroboam lifted his voice and addressed President Rehoboam, saying: “Your father President Solomon ruined our lives; he took away our freedom and compelled us to do hard labor. Therefore, lighten our workload, and we will serve you willingly.”

Then President Rehoboam the son of Solomon said to the workforce: “Let us adjourn for three days. That will give me time to think about how I should reply. We shall resume the present meeting after the recess.” So all the multitudes departed.

During the interim, Rehoboam consulted with the moguls of his advisory board. They were the same committee that counseled his father Solomon. He said to the elderly oligarchs: “How shall I answer?” And they spoke to President Rehoboam as follows: “Pretend that you will appease the workers; speak in accord with their views, adopt their stance, proclaim their philosophy: in short, say whatever they desire to hear. Then the workforce will be like putty in your hands: a group of supporters, malleable and compliant. You just need to get yourself elected. It matters not what you say to gain the office, but only what you do once you have obtained power.”

Rehoboam, however, forsook the counsel of those moguls; instead, he consulted with another group of nouveau-riche investors, which were his campaign’s biggest donors. Rehoboam said to them: “You heard the population beg me, saying: ‘Lighten this heavy yoke that your father put upon us,’ referring to the forced labor that President Solomon implemented. How do you say I should answer them?”

And the nouveau-riche investors who were his campaign’s biggest donors said to President Rehoboam: “Here’s what you shall tell those dirty commies who cry ‘O please be reasonable and lighten our burdens, O please stop abusing us, O please show us some mercy.’ Say to them: ‘My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins: as Solomon made your burden heavy, I Rehoboam will make it a hundredfold heavier. For you are all idle and lazy. You have been spoiled, and now you act entitled. Instead of laboring, you wish to lean and loafe at your ease. But I will make this earth a living hell for you scum. My father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions.”

§

Once three days had passed, Jeroboam and his comrades in the workforce returned and met again with President Rehoboam, the son of Solomon. And Rehoboam answered the caravan with harsh words; he did not follow the counsel of the moguls on his advisory board, but rather spoke how the nouveau-riche donors instructed him, saying: “As my father made your burden heavy, I will make it a hundredfold heavier.”

So when the people of the caravan saw that the president did not listen to them, they said: “We do not belong to the nation that Rehoboam rules: we have no care for the Lime-Green stripe of the caravan; let the son of Solomon be president over the fifteen percent who are willing to swallow his ruthlessness, but let the rest of us hard workers return unto our homes.”

Yet as for the wayfarers who dwelt in the southern regions, which were traditionally the pro-David faction; those areas around the Black Lodge in the Chaos Buffer Zone: President Rehoboam reigned over them.

Then President Rehoboam sent a new overseer to the workforce in the caravan’s northern majority that had deserted him. And Rehoboam waited in his chariot, at a safe distance away, while he sent the overseer forth to strongarm the people: but the people all threw stones at the overseer until he died. Therefore, President Rehoboam hastened to flee in his chariot back to the Black Lodge.

So the caravan rejected the house of David unto this day.

§

And it came to pass, when all the wayfarers of the caravan heard that Jeroboam, their comrade from the forced labor projects, had returned from hiding, they sent and called him before the congregation, and anointed him president over all the caravansary. President Jeroboam enjoyed the vast majority’s approval; only a small percentage followed President Rehoboam of the house of David and Solomon.

Now when Rehoboam the minority Lime-Green Prez came into Eldorado, he assembled an army of one hundred and eighty thousand thugs to fight against the ROY-BIV majority Prez Jeroboam. But as President Rehoboam was leading his shock troops toward the latter’s workforce, behold, he saw in the sky a cross of light, tilted to make an “X,” and, in a dream accompanying this vision, the Volcano instructed Rehoboam, saying: “Do not do this.” President Rehoboam and his troops therefore turned around and marched back home.

§

Now President Jeroboam of the ROY-BIV northern 85% of the caravan rebuilt Hutland with extra fortifications in the mountain of the Parisians, and he dwelt therein; then he went out from thence, and rebuilt and fortified God Camp, by the Black House, over the Potomac. And President Jeroboam said in his heart: “The population is liable to lean toward supporting the Lime-Green Prez, my Davidic rival from the southern 15% of the caravan, if all the people go up and feast to the Volcano in Eldorado, where Solomon built that new Perma-Tent: their hearts shall turn toward Rehoboam, the creditors’ darling, and they shall kill me.” Therefore, President Jeroboam fashioned two extra liberty statues of Yahweh, after the likeness and image of the golden idol installed on the lid of the ark (which King Bryan sculpted for the people in the wilderness, back in the days of Moses); and Jeroboam addressed the workforce of the caravan, saying: “Behold your elohim, O my fellow laborers. Remember how the Volcano freed our forerunners from being slaves in the Empire.” And President Jeroboam set one liberty statue in Hutland, in the Temple of the Hairy One, and the other liberty statue he put in the Himalayan Mountains between the Land of Oz and Las Vegas. For there was a God House (Beth-el) there. And he said to the populace: “It is too hard for you all to keep making the trip to Solomon’s Perma-Tent, way over in that ritzy section of Eldorado; instead, stay closer to home and feast to the Volcano at these two new convenient locations: in Hutland and the Himalayas.”

And President Jeroboam threw many feasts at both these places; he grilled steaks continuously, and the whole workforce was always invited. This idea ended up boosting his popularity, which was already high. And good luck followed him.

Solomon’s wives; a presidential schism

Chapter 11

As far as President Solomon’s love life went, he wedded many foreign women. In addition to the daughter of Pharaoh, he married women of the Moabites, women from the sticks in the wilderness, Midianitish women, and those damsels who lived within the mountains, also Ammonite women, frigid Canadian women, Persian Fire-Worshippers, Eurasian ladies, female yeti beings from Eden, lovely Zidonians, bisexual Bonobo Folk from the Crystal Cabinet of the Mirror Maze, flirtatious Hittites, and Cornellian librarians. Even lesbians who hate men happily married President Solomon.

Of all the nations concerning which the Volcano said unto the wayfarers of the caravan: “Ye shall go in to them, and mix and mingle: for surely they will turn you on to fresh philosophies, and to new ways of dancing and coupling,” Solomon clave unto these in love.

So President Solomon had seven hundred wives who were princesses, and three hundred concubines who were queens. And all his wives were dear unto his heart.

Solomon also married two goddesses: Ashtoreth of the Zidonians, and Milcom of the Ammonites. Extremely alluring, these two goddesses were.

§

Now it happened that Solomon’s presidency was mostly peaceful, at least relatively so: it was not as tumultuous as his father’s. For recall that David had not one instant within his time as president when there was not a counter-president threatening regime change. President Solomon governed a long time unopposed, but near the end of his term there did arise a challenger; his name was Jeroboam. Here’s what happened:

When President Solomon was directing the construction of a citadel near his Egyptian wife’s new house, one of the forced laborers caught his eye: it was Jeroboam. Seeing that this fellow was industrious, and a mighty man of valor, the president promoted Jeroboam to the position of overseer, so he was given charge of all the compulsory workers on that project. And to signify Jeroboam’s authority over the workforce, President Solomon gave him to wear his own coat of many colors.

“Take my coat,” said the president to Jeroboam, “thus shall the workers see that you are invested with my powers. Continue to wear it for the duration of the project, and when the work is finished, come and return the coat to me, and I will reward you.”

Then it came to pass, when the construction project ended, that Jeroboam was leaving the worksite, heading toward the presidential palace of Solomon, to return the coat of many colors which he had been given to wear. On the way, Jeroboam noticed what seemed to be a fire upon a hillside. In curiosity he drew closer, and then he saw emerge from the light the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet: all that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat. Jeroboam stopped in the way, and this wild man approached him, and he reached forth and grabbed the coat of many colors. Jeroboam drew back, leaving the coat in the wild man’s hands. Now this hairy man tore the coat in seven pieces; then he said to Jeroboam: “When you return the garment to the president, give Solomon the following message:

“Thus says the Volcano: Look how each color of your coat is now a strip of its own: red, orange, yellow, lime-green, blue, indigo, and violet. These correspond to the time zones of Eldorado, and each also represents one of the seven provinces of the caravan. I might have torn the coat into twelve parts, corresponding to the twelve tribes of Jacob: but I am more interested in mixing, mingling, and melding: I have no false pride in place and blood. So here are the seven fragments of the caravansary: you can hold them in your hand. I give you one, the lime-green one, while keeping the other six colors for myself. This means that you and your heir, whom you shall elect as your successor, will inherit one seventh of the caravan: that shall be the fragment that you govern. Meanwhile, I shall make Jeroboam the president of the other six sevenths, or roughly eighty-five percent of what was once your united oligarchy. And whoever takes over, after his term, I leave up to chance. Does this sound fair? It is not fair. Life is not fair. I would have given you, dear Solomon son of David, a larger percentage of the caravan to rule over, if only you and your freebooting father had not chosen to be so creditor-friendly.”

So, during the partial return of his coat of many colors to President Solomon, Jeroboam delivered the Volcano’s message. Then, from that time forth, President Solomon sought to assassinate Jeroboam. Therefore, Jeroboam arose and fled into Egypt.

MORAL: When times are hard, either flee into or out of Egypt, depending on whether you are already there or not.

And the rest of the acts of President Solomon, and all that he did, and his wisdom, are they not inscribed and preserved in some now-lost book?

§

The amount of time that Solomon served as president of the caravan was forty years.

Then Solomon died and was buried in Eldorado. And Rehoboam his son became the Lime-Green President.

Solomon wraps up his construction projects; the Queen of Sheba visits

Chapter 9

Then it came to pass, when President Solomon had finished building and dedicating the house for the Volcano, that Yahweh appeared to Solomon the second time, as he had appeared unto him in a dream at the clubhouse in Dunster Street. And the Volcano said to Solomon:

“I have heard what you said, when you stood before the people in this house that you made. I permitted your father David to become president, and I have permitted your presidency. I am taking no action at present, one way or another. I am the volcano of potential: Do you understand what that means? I will be wherever and whenever I choose to be, and absent myself for any reason, whether according to whim or purely at random, without prior notice. Now, concerning this house of yours, which you have devised for me, and which is so exalted, I must warn you: it shall someday come to ruin; and everyone that passes by it will be terrified, and shall hiss. They shall say: ‘Why has Aton done this to his own resting place?’ I just want you to know: if I avoid the abode, it is not your fault; I simply do not require much sleep – I don’t stay dead long. My preference is action: I favor truth over repose. For I am Endlessness.”

§

Now after the twenty years that it took President Solomon to build the two houses, one for himself and one for the LORD, it was time to settle the bill for the goods and services, which Solomon had purchased from Hiram the son of Belial, king of Tyre. (For Hiram had furnished Solomon with cedar trees and fir trees, and with all the other supplies that he had needed. Additionally, Hiram sent expert craftsmen from his country, to do the curious work on the details of the Perma-Tent’s interior.) So, to pay off Hiram the king of Tyre for all that he had done, President Solomon gave Hiram twenty cities in the Valley of Exploding Earth.

Now Hiram came out from his homeland of Tyre to see these cities which Solomon had given him; and he was displeased. He said: “What nothingness is this land that you have given me, my brother?” Therefore that region is known as Nihil unto this day.

Even so, Hiram sent to the president one hundred and twenty talents of gold.

Now the reason that President Solomon inflicted his people with forced labor is that he needed to build the house for the LORD, and his own house, plus the wall around Eldorado.

And any people who were left of the Columbians, the Cornellians, the Princetonians, the Brunonians, and the Yalies, who were still visitors, mixing and mingling in Eldorado, and who had not officially joined the caravan as permanent settlers, along with their children, Solomon made them all bondslaves: and they remain so unto this day.

But the wayfarers of the caravan Solomon did not outright enslave; he did not treat them as permanent chattel, at least not at this point: he only forced them to labor on the God House, and on his presidential residence, and on the great wall of Eldorado.

President Solomon also instituted the Empire’s Army, and many wayfarers served as its soldiers, and captains, and charioteers, and horsemen. He also made a navy of ships near the Port of Corpus Christi, on the shore of the Red Ocean. And the king of Tyre, Hiram son of Belial, sent shipmen that had sea-smarts as servants to Solomon. Also, many of the wayfarers became marines. And they went out to Ophir, a wealthy peninsula, and from thence they took four hundred and twenty talents of gold, which they brought to President Solomon.

Chapter 10

Now the prettiest and wealthiest woman in the whole wide world was the Queen of Sheba; and when she heard of the fame of President Solomon, she came to test him with hard questions. She arrived in Eldorado with a lengthy train, with camels that bare spices, and very much gold, and precious stones. And when she met the president, she spoke with Solomon about everything that was on her mind. And he answered every one of her questions: nothing stumped him; there was nothing he did not know.

Thus, after witnessing Solomon’s wisdom, and seeing the house that he had built, and the cuisine of his table, and the splendor of his servants, and their fine apparel, and his robotic waitstaff, and the procession with which he ascended into his glorious God Vault, the Queen of Sheba was bedazzled. And she said to the president: “It was true, what they told me in my native land about your power and your acuity. But I doubted the report, until I came here: now that I have seen it all and spoken with you, I realize that what had been told me was not even half the truth. Your wisdom and prosperity surpass all the gossip and rumors. Happy are those who serve you, and blessed is your god.”

And she gave the president one hundred and twenty talents of gold, and precious stones, plus a very great stockpile of spices. There was never a more abundant accrual of spices than that which the Queen of Sheba gave to President Solomon.

And President Solomon gave unto the Queen of Sheba everything that she desired: whatever she asked for, he wrapped it up as her gift. Then she turned and went back to her own country, she and her personnel.

§

Now the weight of “please don’t attack us” bribes that President Solomon received in a year from surrounding nations was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold. That is aside from what he received from the merchantmen, and the traffic of the spice pirates, and of all the princes of Arabia.

Moreover, the president replaced his father David’s executive chair with a great throne of ivory, and overlaid it with the best gold. The throne had six steps, and its top was round, with vast wings fanning out of the back, and two lions stood beside the arms. And twelve more lions crouched on the stairway before it: one on each end of every step.

And all President Solomon’s drinking vessels were gold, and all his silverware was gold: none was silver. For the president’s navy sallied out with the navy of the king of Tyre, Hiram son of Belial, and they brought back gold, and ivory, and apes, and peacocks.

Thus did President Solomon exceed all the kings of the earth in riches and wisdom.

Solomon’s dedication of Yahweh’s forever home

Chapter 8

Then President Solomon called before him all the moguls among the wayfarers, together with his chiefs of staff, and all the self-styled yogis and gurus, so that they might transfer the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance from where it was parked in Eldorado to this new Perma-Tent of the Hairy One (which is how David referred to the place in the paperwork for the financing of the purchase of its foundation land from Adonai). So they all assembled themselves and enjoyed a feast.

Then, with all the bigshots looking on, Nicholas the android and his father the robot Man, respectively the bellboy and butler of the Tabernacle of Potential, took up the ark. And they brought this mobile museum, with all the historical curiosities that were in it, out of the Volcano’s tent; and they left the ark in the charge of Solomon’s moguls and yogis and gurus, while the robots returned and dismantled the tent and folded it up. President Solomon had gathered the congregation of the rest of the wayfarers around the old tabernacle, as they did this; and he kept slaughtering and grilling sheep and oxen, for their ongoing feast: he cooked so many steaks that their number could not be counted.

Then the mechanical assistants brought the ark, topped with its golden image of Yahweh, into the oracle of the Perma-Tent, and set it down in the Most Holy Place, even under the wings of the cherubims.

The wayfarers had deposited various memorabilia within the ark, during their journeys with the Volcano, when he guided them out of Egypt, through the wilderness, and into the many lands from Las Vegas to Eldorado. And when the ark was in the Tabernacle of Potential, it was filled with all these keepsakes that the people had secured there; and this intellectual treasure was always free to be viewed by the public. However, sometime between their removing the ark from the old tent and their resettling it in the Most Holy Place of Solomon’s God-House, the ark’s contents must have gotten secretly raided. For, now, when they lifted its lid before the multitudes on this special occasion, behold, there was nothing inside but two tables of legislation (which, as their fine print explained, had been drawn up by the yogis and the gurus under the supervision of the select committee of moguls). Even the Volcano’s original contracts were gone.

The caravan’s general populace was collectively shocked by this sight of a nearly empty interior – the Ark of Remembrance had proved to be a Void of Forgetfulness! But the yogis and gurus who had gathered on the stage to preside over the dedication ceremony seemed unperturbed: they attempted to carry on as if nothing were amiss.

But they could not manage to begin their presentation, because of the black clouds of smoke that had amassed: for the Volcano had apparently filled the house in this way.

Then President Solomon addressed those who were gathered, saying: “The Volcano said that he would dwell in thick darkness. Now I have surely built him a strong place: one that will last, in which he might rest in peace forever.”

And the president turned about within the heavy smog, endeavoring to bless all the multitudes of the caravan (while the people stood wondering and whispering one to another); and Solomon began to deliver a speech that he had prepared, saying:

“Blessed be Yahweh God of the caravansary, who today has fulfilled what he spoke with his mouth to my father David, when he said: ‘Since the day that I brought forth your people out of Egypt, I lived in a tent among them; and now you desire to build me a house; nevertheless you shall not do this, but your son shall establish my permanent habitation.’ Now Yahweh has performed these words of his promise, and I am risen up in place of my father: I am the president; and I have created this place for Lord Yahweh the volcano of potential. And behold, the Ark of Remembrance is here, with the tables of commands that you should obey. (If you follow them, God will bless you; and if you break them, God will curse you.) These tables are Yahweh’s covenant with you: it is the reason that he brought you out from Egypt.”

And Solomon stood there with his hands held out, obscured by the thick clouds of darkness that filled the air. And he spoke again, saying:

“But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Lo, the heaven of heavens cannot contain him; how much less this vault that I have constructed.”

And the president, with all the moguls and yogis and gurus of the select committee, grilled steaks before the multitudes of the caravan, and feasted before the Volcano: they went outdoors, to get away from the thick smoke, and there they slaughtered and cooked a total of twenty-two thousand oxen, and one hundred twenty thousand baby lambs. So that is how the president and his select committee dedicated the Perma-Tent to Lord Yahweh.

This feast continued for fourteen days. Then the president dismissed the masses, and they all returned to their homes well-fed.

The magnificence of Solomon; his covenant with the king of Tyre; his building projects

Chapter 4

So President Solomon ruled the whole caravansary. And he had princes. And he had scribes. And he had a recorder. And Zalmon A‑hole was his Top Thug, whom Solomon appointed as captain of his shock troops. He also had officers over the shock troops. And the robot Nicholas was Solomon’s bellboy, and the android named Man served as his butler. And President Solomon also had one friend. And there was a man who managed his household. And someone who collected taxes for him. And an overseer for the slaves. And there were a dozen bakers who provided pastries for the presidential residence: and each one also made many other succulent desserts.

So the wayfarers of the caravan were numerous: as the sand which is by the sea for multitude. And they were experts in eating and drinking and merrymaking.

And Solomon was president over all the nations from the Potomac to the land of the Sea People, and even into the borders of Egypt. And the surrounding countries brought presents to him, to appease his volatile nature; daily Solomon received the following from terrified foreigners: two hundred bushels of fine flour; fifteen tons of meal; ten fat oxen; twenty rams from out of their pastures; one hundred sheep, in addition to gazelles and roebucks, fallowdeer and fatted fowl.

For Solomon had dominion over all the region known as Eldorado, and he maintained a tense peace with every nation round about him. And he had forty thousand stalls for his chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen. And barley and straw were fed to his horses and dromedaries.

§

God gave President Solomon a tremendous amount of wisdom and understanding. Solomon was wiser than all the eastern magi added together with all the wisdom of Ancient Egypt. He had more understanding than anyone: He was wiser than Moses combined with Confucious and Siddhartha Gautama, plus Albert Einstein multiplied by Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus Christ, and the Seven Sages of Greece. Even the supercomputer named Deep Blue, which was the first machine to win a game of chess against a reigning human world champion, got beaten when it played against President Solomon.

So Solomon’s fame spread through all the surrounding lands. And he spoke several hundreds of proverbs; and the ditties that he composed were a thousand and five. And he gave lectures on vegetation, covering everything from cedar trees to hyssop; he also wrote essays about beasts, and fowl, and creeping things, and fishes. (Basically, anything that my old rap group made a song about, Solomon also taught about. My old rap group is probably the only thing that was almost as smart as Solomon; and we made a total of three thousand and five rap songs: that’s even more than Solomon’s ditties.)

Chapter 5

Near the caravan in Eldorado was a place called Tyre, a wealthy and powerful country that did a large amount of commercial trade. This country of Tyre is the focus of the Lord GOD’s curse in the scroll of Ezekiel (28:12-16), where the prophet says:

The word of Yahweh God came unto me, saying: ‘Take up a lamentation upon the king of Tyre, and tell him: “By the multitude of your merchandise you were filled with lawlessness, and you have sinned: therefore I will cast you as profane out of the mountain of God; and I will destroy you!’”

This king of Tyre whom Yahweh cursed was named Hiram. He was the son of Belial, David’s handler among the Creditor Class. Now this King Hiram son of Belial sent emissaries to Solomon; for he had heard that a select committee had anointed him president in place of his father; for Hiram, like his own father Belial, was ever a lover of David.

Then Solomon replied to Hiram, son of Belial, saying: “You know how my father David was prohibited from building a house for our Volcano-god Yahweh, because my father could not stop warring with everyone everywhere. But Yahweh our God has given my own presidency peace, because all our enemies have been assassinated; so, now, I aim to build a large temple for our Volcano. For I was told that Yahweh said to my father: ‘Not you, but your son, shall construct me a Permanent Tabernacle.’ Therefore, I do hereby place an order to purchase mega tons of cedar trees from you, O Hiram son of Belial, king of Tyre. I will pay you for all the supplies, and for all the labor, and for all the shipping. Because we wayfarers of the caravan know that nobody can cut timber like you Tyrants, oops I mean Tyrians.”

Then, when Hiram the son of Belial and king of Tyre heard these words of President Solomon, he rejoiced greatly, and said: “Blessed be Yahweh on this occasion. The god of the caravan gave to David a wise successor, since he decided to place a large order to buy our goods and services.”

So Hiram son of Belial, king of Tyre, sent Solomon cedar trees and fir trees until his desire was satiated. And President Solomon in return gave Hiram the son of Belial twenty thousand measures of wheat, plus a fifth of a tithe of one million baths of pure oil, as an annually recurring payment.

And Yahweh, for his part, gave Solomon wisdom, as he promised him in the dream. And there was peace between the president of the caravan and Hiram son of Belial: and they together signed a treaty.

§

Now President Solomon issued an executive order inflicting the populace with forced labor. Thirty thousand workers at a time, in rotating shifts of ten thousand people. (In the past, Yahweh led their ancestors out of Egypt, to rescue them from similar subjection.) Additionally, there were seventy thousand porters, and eighty thousand quarriers in the hills, apart from thirty-three hundred overseers who were supervising the gangs performing the toil.

Chapter 6

Thus it came to pass, in the four hundred and eightieth year after the workforce had escaped from servitude in Ancient Egypt, that the descendants of that workforce began to slave away at another pyramid.

And the dimensions of this tomb that President Solomon built for Yahweh were as follows: its length was sixty cubits; the breadth was twenty cubits; and its height was thirty cubits.

And it had a porch. And windows of narrow lights.

And Solomon compelled the workers to build chambers round about, against the great hall and the oracle or shrine. And he permitted no use of tools within the place as it was being constructed: neither hammer nor ax nor any iron implement could be employed; but every stone had to be cut and fashioned to perfection far away, back at the quarry, so that it remained quiet within the structure, to let God rest in peace.

And there was a door for the middle chamber on the right side of the pyramid. And there was a winding staircase.

And the walls and ceiling were covered with wood, and the floor was covered with planks of fir. And boards of cedar encased the oracle, which was intended to be the most holy place. And this cedar was carved with knops and open flowers. For the Ark of Remembrance was supposed to be set within this place called the oracle.

Then the space of the oracle was overlaid with pure gold. And there was a partition with chains of gold at the oracle’s entryway. And within the oracle were two cherubims of olive tree, each ten cubits high, with wings five cubits long. And their wings remained stretched out at all times, and extended to the uttermost; though they never could fly. And the walls of the interior were carved with figures of cherubims and palm trees and open flowers.

It took eleven years to complete this construction project. And, at the same time, President Solomon was building a residence for himself: and that project took thirteen years.

Chapter 7

As for President Solomon’s personal residence, its dimensions were one hundred cubits by fifty cubits by thirty cubits. And it had four rows of cedar pillars. And three rows of windows. And all the doors and posts were square. And there was a porch.

President Solomon also made a little side-house for the Egyptian Pharaoh’s daughter, whom he had married.

And he made two brass chapiters to go on top of the pillars in his own house, with nets of checker work, and wreaths of chains. And on top of the chapiters were pomegranates, and upon the top of the pillars was lily work.

And he made a molten sea. And underneath were knops compassing it. It stood upon twelve oxen, in teams of three facing each of the four cardinal directions, so all their hinder parts were inward. And it was shaped like a cup, a handsbreadth thick, whose brim resembled the petals of a lily. And it contained two thousand baths.

On the borders between the ledges were lions, oxen, cherubims, and palm trees. And every base had four brazen wheels: and the four corners thereof had undersetters. Then he made ten lavers of brass: one laver contained forty baths.

And Hiram the son of Belial made shovels and basons.

And Solomon made all the vessels that pertained unto the house of Yahweh: the altar of gold, and the table of gold, whereupon the shewbread was, the candlesticks of pure gold, before the oracle, with the flowers, and the lamps, and the tongs of gold, and the bowls, and the snuffers, and the basons, and the spoons, and the censers of pure gold; and the hinges of gold, both for the doors of the inner house, the most holy place, and for the doors of the outhouse.

So was ended all the work that President Solomon made. He built himself a personal residence, with an extra house for his wife, and on the far side a brazen sea; also, Solomon commanded a place for the LORD to be built, and he finished it with forced labor. It was Yahweh’s “Forever Home.”

Solomon’s marriage; Solomon’s wish; Solomon’s judgment

[This photo was printed on an envelope that contained junk ads.]

Chapter 3

The caravan’s relationship with the country of Egypt had changed, over the years. In the days of Moses, the Volcano led the workforce out of Egypt by turning their rivers to blood, plaguing the Egyptians with frogs, lice, flies, and painful boils; killing the Egyptians’ livestock with pestilence, destroying the Egyptians’ crops with hail and locusts; then casting the whole country of Egypt into pitch darkness, and finally murdering all the Egyptian firstborn, both humans and beasts. But now, in the time of President Solomon, the caravan became allied to Egypt: for Solomon married the daughter of Egypt’s Pharaoh, and brought her to live with him in Eldorado.

At this time, President Solomon was working on three construction projects: (1) building his own house, (2) building a house for Yahweh, and (3) building a wall around Sweet Beulah Land.

Since there was no Perma-Tent for the Volcano, everyone simply threw feasts on high places, and grilled on hills, to worship Yahweh Peor, in those days.

And the president went to Dunster Street in Cambridge, to have a cookout; for there was a great high place there. A thousand steaks did Solomon grill on that altar.

Then, when Solomon spent the night in the clubhouse that was there, Yahweh appeared to him in a dream by night; and the god said: “Make a wish. Ask me for anything, and I will give it to you.”

Solomon said: “Just one wish? OK, let me think. Well, I’m glad that you elected me to be president instead of my father; and now that I’m the holder of the highest office in the land, there’s no remaining power that I need to grasp. But I’m still a young man who’s inexperienced: I have no idea how the world works; meanwhile, I am supposed to rule over this great multitude of people. So here is my wish: I desire for you to give me an understanding heart to make wise judgments.”

Now it pleased Yahweh that Solomon had wished like this. And the god said unto him: “You could have asked for long life, or riches, or for me to destroy your enemies; but instead you asked for discernment to judge righteously. Therefore, behold, I have granted your wish: I have given you a wise and understanding heart. No one has ever been like you before, and no one shall ever be like you again. Also, as bonuses, I have given you the other things that you did not ask for: riches, honor, and longevity.”

Then Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream. So he went back to Eldorado, and visited the Tabernacle of Potential, and he grilled many steaks.

§

Then two whores came and stood before the president. And the first whore said: “Mister President, I and this whore here dwell in the same apartment; and on Monday I crouched down and gave birth to a child while she was in the room. Then, three days later, she, my roommate, crouched down and gave birth to a child in the same room. Now, we were the only people in the apartment: just us two whores and our newborns. Then, overnight, while we were sleeping, her baby died, because she rolled on top of it. At that point, she snuck over in the dark and stole my baby from beside me, while I was asleep, and kept it in her bosom, and placed her dead babe at my side. So when I woke in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I looked closer at the babe, it was not the child that I had borne.”

And the other whore said: “False! this whore is lying. The living child is mine; hers is the dead one.”

Then the first whore said: “No, my child is the live one, and yours is dead. You smothered it.”

Thus they argued before the president. Then the president replied: “Let me summarize your case. The both of you graduated from Harlot College on the same day. You fell in love, and took lodging together, and lived as roommates. You ended up impregnating each other. Later, you both crouched down on the carpet of your shared apartment, and at once gave birth to a pair of healthy infants. That night, being whores, you slept together; and your children were napping in a crib beside the bed. While locked in a passionate embrace, you two ended up rolling together off the mattress and knocking over the crib, causing one of your children to fly out and hit the hardwood floor. On impact, that infant gave up the ghost. You then tossed this tiny corpse back and forth like a hot potato, while your living child, still napping, wandered out of the room. One question would be: Shouldn’t a baby first learn to crawl before he masters the art of sleepwalking? But, putting that aside, the crux of the issue is that each of you desires sole custody of your remaining heir. One of you says: ‘My son lives, your son is dead,’ while the other one says: ‘No, your son died, mine is alive.’ Here is my verdict. Bring me a sword.”

And the whores brought the president a sword.

Then the president said: “Divide the living child in two; then each of you take the half that you prefer. That seems fair; is it not?”

Then the first whore shrieked and said: “O my lord, stop this cruel joke! Just give her the whole child alive, and in no wise divide it.” But the other said: “No, split the lad, then we each get our share – just make sure they’re equal slices. And perform the cut lengthwise: don’t part it at the waist, otherwise we’ll fight over heads or tails.”

Then the president answered and said: “Give the child to the whore who said ‘Don’t chop it up.’ She is the true mother. Or, if she isn’t, she should be. The other one lacks compassion; I would feel awful awarding custody to a mother who has no compunctions about slaughtering her own infant. That you could be willing to permit such an act, just to settle a legal dispute, I find morally repugnant. I’m frankly a little uneasy with my own mind for being able to think the idea. But that’s what happens, when one dreams that Lord Yahweh has blessed one’s brain with perfect judgment: one’s eyes fall open, and one becomes as God, knowing good and evil.”

Now all the populace of the caravan heard of the president’s judicial decision; and they feared the president, for they saw that his powers were not only limited to heading the executive branch of government but that he was basically their entire legislature, plus the judge and jury, all in one.

And the whore who had welcomed Solomon’s severing suggestion was made an officer of the shock-troops under Top Thug Zalmon A‑hole.